#060: Divorced Parents is All I’ve Ever Known | Sydney & Daniel Binette
Since she was 2 or 3, Sydney’s parents have been divorced. It’s all she’s ever known. As a result, she spent most of her childhood living out of a suitcase between Mom and Dad’s house.
While Sydney has navigated her parents’ divorce fairly well, there have certainly been challenges. In this interview, we discuss those challenges and more:
How Sydney has kept a good relationship with her parents and stepparents
As someone from an intact home, her husband Dan talks about how the divorce has affected her and their relationship
Real and raw talk about love and marriage, especially feeling at times like it is “too hard”
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Sydney Binette
sydneybinette@gmail.com
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Sydney was only two or three when her parents divorced. So it's really all she's ever known. And for so much of her life as a child, she lived out of a suitcase going back and forth between mom and dad, which can be so difficult. But I've always been impressed with Sydney for a lot of reasons, but one of them being, she seems like she's learned to navigate her parents' divorce pretty well.
However, as you're gonna hear in the interview, there's certainly been some challenges. So in this interview, we talk about how Sydney has a good relationship with her parents and her stepparents, her husband, Dan joins the interview to talk about how Sydney's parents divorce has affected their relationship and how he's observed it affecting.
Personally, it's really neat to get his perspective, cuz he comes from an intact family while Sydney and I come from broken families. We also touch on how challenging it is to split time between family during the holidays. And we talk about legal separation and divorce in cases of abuse as well. And overall, just a very real conversation about love about marriage, especially when you feel like marriage.
It's just too hard.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 60. If you're interested in helping us grow in helping us reach 1 million young people from broken families, helping them to heal and grow.
I'd love to speak with you personally. I'd love to meet with you on a video call or on a phone call personally, just email me@joeyrestoredministry.com. Again, that's Joey J O E Y. Restored ministry ministry, singular. Dot com I'd be honor to share the vision that my team and I have for the future. Our financial goes to make that vision a reality and the incredible results that we've seen so far, even though we feel like we've barely scratched the surface.
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So my main guest today is Sidney bonnet, and I wanna introduce her, but I do wanna say that Dan, her husband is kind of in and out of the interview at different parts. So I'll give him in a little bit of an intro too, but Sydney is the wife of Dan and mother to three young children, four year old Rosemary.
Two year old Benjamin and newborn max million Sydney was born in Baltimore, Maryland, where she was raised by her four parents from a young age. She moved to Denver, Colorado after graduating from FCAN university of Steubenville with her bachelor's degree in chemistry and has worked with students and youth of all ages as a lab manager for a graduate level, academic research lab, a high school and middle school cross country coach, as well as a nature outreach coordinator.
For elementary age students, Sydney is a devout Catholic and helped to establish the young adult group at her home parish in Denver, in her free time. She enjoys long distance running, hiking, camping, snoring, snowboarding, and traveling with her husband and children. Now, like I said, Sydney's the main guest, but I also wanna give Dan a little shout out.
Daniel bonnet is an ICU nurse and an air force reserve airman. Dan loves a good time volleyball and traveling the world. Dan, there's a lot more I could say about you, Dan and I have been friends a while Sydney and I have been friends a while as well. But, uh, without further ado, here's my conversation with Dan and Sidney,
Dan and Sidney. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Thanks for having us. Yeah, Dan, uh, right now, just to paint a picture in everyone's minds, he's holding his son, Dan and Sydney's son. Max max is a little fussy, but he's doing okay right now. So you might hear him. He might chime in into the interview, but it's really, it's good to have you guys here.
We wanted to do actually a four way interview with my wife, Bridget, but it was just too much with all the kids. So this is awesome that both of you are here. Sid. You've always kind of intrigued me. You seem, you know, I've known your story for a while. We've been friends for a while, but it seems, and correct me if I'm wrong.
It seems like you've adjusted pretty well to everything in your family. Like you seem to be doing really well in life. And I'm sure there's struggles and things, but I've always wanted to talk to you more about this because of that. And so I'm excited to, to dive in, but let's start with the basics. So how old were you when your parents got divorced?
Yeah, I was about three years old, two and a half three. I actually don't truthfully know too much of my parents' story and their divorce just cuz I was so young and I never. I never asked too many questions. They never told me much, but I was really young. And then I was also really young when my parents remarried.
They both remarried when I was about six, but they had both met their, uh, respective spouses when, you know, shortly after they divorced. Okay. So to me, you know, my parents divorced was all I ever knew the, the situation as it was with, you know, my remarried parents with my stepmom and my step was just all I ever knew and all I ever grew up with.
Totally. Okay. So there's kind of a, a blank space there. You don't really know, like you said, what went down, but did, do you have any sort of insight into that? Like over the years, have you. Learned much. I have, you know, that was probably one of the hardest parts of my childhood was I didn't know. And then there were slight comments that would be made through my childhood.
And, you know, I think it was, it was hard. It was definitely not an easy situation for them. My parents were both really young when they got married. Mm-hmm they had me and my sister really young. I, I wanna say they were in their early twenties, 20 years old, maybe 21, I think. Okay. But in their divorce, in their separation, it was, I think just a, a pretty bad relationship between the two of them.
It just, you know, kind of was something where they got married young and they just weren't ready yet. But yeah, there was definitely comments that were made through my childhood, from my grandparents and from my mom about my dad or vice versa. So I picked up on a few small things, but I just, I never asked cuz I never wanted to know.
I didn't want that to be my business or my awareness of who my parents were. Sure. It would probably change the way you thought of them or looked at them. That that makes sense. Yeah. And yeah, it's so interesting to talk to people who were really young when it happened or much older when it happened such different experiences.
And I think that's something worth mentioning that not everyone's affected the same way. It really varies. You have some people who are affected, you know, in some ways and other people who are affected in other ways, some people who are deeply affected and really struggle with all that trauma and then other people who are more well adjusted and there's different factors that go into that.
And parents that parents actually play a big role in mitigating a lot of those negative effects. So, um, I'm curious to kind of hear all of that. So growing up that was just normal for you. It's what you knew. How, um, how did you react to the dynamic in your family where. You know, you had your biological mom step biological dad, stepmom.
How was that for you growing up? Both as in your childhood and then into your teens and twenties? Yeah, thankfully I was just really blessed by the situation with my parents. I have an incredible stepmom, an incredible step. They're both an integral part of my life. My stepdad is one of my greatest role models.
He's an incredible man. And, and so I'm really thankful for the way that things unfolded over the years. Mm-hmm um, it's definitely, I, I don't wanna say that by any means to say that it was easy because there's definitely deep seated, you know, emotions, obviously with all of it. And, and I think one of the hardest things, to be honest is that.
I feel so blessed. And so it makes it feel like I shouldn't have the emotions that I have around my parents' divorce, because they really did a good job. Yeah. I mean, they set it up. Well, they never even went through a court system. They just had joint custody and it was just, they had a good enough relationship between my mom and dad that they, they didn't wanna involve a third party.
They just said, you know, we will fairly split your time. So for me, that meant as a kid that I was, I lived out of a suitcase, my entire childhood. I went back and forth. If my dad was off on a Wednesday, I was at my dad's house. If my mom was off on a Thursday, I went to my, so, I mean, I was the kid going to school with literally a suitcase in my hands.
And it was just where I was going after school every day. So I just, I never felt like I had a, a one set place mm-hmm but that being said, I had four amazing parents. And so it just, yeah, it's kind of that dual of, I, I have these emotions. It's still really hard to live this life, but. I love everyone involved, you know, I love my four parents, so yeah.
Yeah. So that was, you know, the good and the bad. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it can sometimes be hard for us to distinguish between those two, like hold the good and the bad in our hands at the same time, because you can, on one hand, admit like this has been really good in terms of, I have these people in my life, these parents who have, you know, sacrificed for me, they've given me so much, they've helped me in a lot of ways, but at the same time, acknowledging, yeah.
I've been harmed too. And it's okay to say both of those. And I think a lot of times we have this, we're like defensive of our parents against ourselves. So I know it's, it's hard for us to even admit that, you know yeah. They, that wasn't right. Yeah. It it's almost like we have this knee jerk reaction to just say, well, they did the best they can.
Yeah. That's a good way to put it. Which, which is okay to say, but just because someone did the best they can doesn't mean that's the way it should have been. And we're not saying that to. Be mean to parents. Do you hate your parents? No, not at all. Okay. I was asked that question because, uh, there's a big misconception, especially with this ministry that maybe we're trying to, so seeds of hate and try to divide the parents from the kids.
And that's not at all. We wanna help heal those relationships. And a lot of times it does require. Uh, digging into these wounds, having difficult conversations and so on. So I'm glad we're talking. So over the years, I'm just curious, were there any, um, as much as you're comfortable sharing, were there any ways that you kind of dealt with the challenges that came up maybe in unhealthy ways?
Like I know for me, um, one of my parents separated when I was 11 years old, it just completely shattered my world. So a different experience and I just did all sorts of things to numb the pain. I acted out. I was very angry, very bitter gun to pornography after a buddy of mine showed it. And that just kind of was a distraction and escape from all the pain and problems in my life.
So I'm just curious for you as much as you're comfortable sharing. Was there anything like. Yeah, truthfully, I don't have very exciting one answer because you know, my mom has said this over the recent years as an adult, now that I'm an internalize and I never thought that of myself until she has recently said that a lot.
And I'm like, yeah, I guess I really am. So, I mean, that's, it, I'm a, I'm a thinker, I'm an internalized, but I really, I didn't, I didn't find any way to cope because I didn't feel like I needed it. Yeah. And I, and so. Emotionally, it came out in different ways, you know, and we'll, I'm sure get into that, how it's come out in my marriage emotionally and, and in that way, but truthfully, I didn't, I, I didn't ever feel like I was harmed in any way to the point where I needed to do something about it.
And maybe it would've helped me, honestly, maybe it would've helped the emotions I feel about it today, but I just kind of went all my life thinking like, okay, this is how it is. And if I feel emotional about it, then I'll just cry to myself. And that's kind of just how I have to cope. Yeah. Cause this is how my life is and it's what I gotta do.
Yeah. Yeah. And you you've always been that type of person as long as I've known you. It's just kind of like, all right, this is, this is life. We just gotta do it. Like , there's no use like crying over it or, you know, or maybe letting other people know, even if you're crying in your room or out of the site, but no, that makes a lot of sense.
And kind of going back to what I said before, parents play a huge role, um, if parents do their best to, um, and, and by best, I mean like an adequate job of loving their children and helping them deal with that, it can really, really help. Like there's studies that show that if a child who comes from a broken family has a, a good relationship with one or both parents, they're statistically much less likely to struggle with loneliness, depression, anxiety.
And so it's really helpful. And sounds like you benefited from some of that, which is, which is awesome. Dan, I wanted to ask you a question because you know, you have known Sydney since you guys were. What you guys were in high school or was it even before high school? Yeah, I think we met when we were 15.
I think it was like 2009 spring of 2009. We met. Okay. So you guys were young and, uh, Let's go into that story just a little bit, and then we can kind of backtrack to effect. Sure. Just, uh, the short and sweet of it is. So we met at a restaurant. It was my first job I was working as a bus boy and Sydney had already had like 10 jobs by then, cuz she's hardworking and comes from a very hardworking family.
So German. Yeah, exactly. She's very German and they're hardworking. And I think that goes back to kind of how she internalized a lot of this where it's like, yeah, this is how it is. This is how we deal with it. We don't complain. You get what you get, you know, pitch a fit. And that's pretty much kind of how city roles.
So going back to how we met. So we met when we were younger and I mean too young to date in my parents' mind, but yeah, it's kinda like the old fashioned story, like, oh, you don't know what love is. It's too young. And like, yeah, we probably were super young, but we learned to love each other. And so we started dating in 2010.
Okay. And then. Got married in 2016. Cool. So yeah, started dating in high school, went to college and then got married a year outta college, a year and a half for Sydney. Yeah. And that's kind of the short and sweet story. Cool. I remember, uh, we were studying abroad in Austria. You guys remember this story?
This was really before I knew you guys at all. I knew you separately, I guess. Uh, I think Dan, I knew you a little bit better cuz we lived in a similar spot and in our dorm and uh, you guys were like in my room with my roommates, we were all hanging out and I saw like the way you were interacting. And I told one of my roommates later, I think.
I think Dan likes Sydney or Sydney likes Dan, one of the two . I was like, so insightful. Joey's way behind the ball. No, let alone. You've been getting foot we've dating for years. Yeah. I always love that story that cracks me up. And it's also, you know, a good point to make, because I feel like just in my personality too, when we, so I, I transferred to Franciscan university.
I studied for a year at the university of South Carolina first. Okay. Um, and I was a year ahead of Daniel, so he, you know, I, I transferred the year that he started his freshman year. Okay. Yeah. And it's funny because I remember when I was transferring and I said, okay, well, here's how it's gonna be. If we're gonna go to the same school, I'm gonna have my friends.
You're gonna have your friends. We're not gonna be like at each other's hip all the time. I want us to live our own lives. And so, yeah, it, it's kind of funny cuz that's just my personality a little bit, but you know, it's a little bit of a good segue because I think that a lot of that is probably rooted in mind, not wanting to be dependent on anyone because it was always frightening.
What was frightening about it? just that it didn't seem guaranteed. Like you can fall in love with somebody, but it might come and go, you know, you never know. So at that point we had been dating for two or three years, but, you know, and, and at that point, Daniel had already kind of communicated to me in high school that like, I'm gonna marry you one day.
And, you know, it was kind of a, it seemed like a joking thing when he said that as a little high schooler , but I, uh, I, I just, you know, it didn't really hold weight to me necessarily, cuz I was like, okay, well when we go to college, things could be different. We might be different people. So let's not hold onto this.
Like it's steadfast. Yeah. And maybe that is, you know, I never really thought about it until our marriage, but maybe it is rooted in the way I grew. Yeah. And I, I think that's, um, a lot of, for a lot of us deal with that, we just have that fear of repeating what happened in our parents' marriage. That kind of realizing that well, at any point, my spouse could leave me and that's a fear I still have to this day.
It's something that I've like worked through a lot and it's very minimal now, but it's still in the back of my head, which is hard, but yeah, a lot of us feel that and we'd rather, you know, not it too attached to involved. Yeah. When I had met Sidney, I mean, she pretty much told me she's like, I'm not gonna get married.
Tell me the least 27 until I've lived and done a lot of things that I want to do because that's kind of, yeah, exactly. I, a little bit afraid. I don't wanna say afraid of commitment, but definitely hesitant. I was definitely the one pulling the like, Hey, we should, I really wanna stay toge you know, definitely pulling whenever there were hard times.
Definitely grew up in a little bit of a different situation in my family. I was like very anchored in terms of like, you make a decision and you stay with somebody and there is that, is it? Yeah. Like, so in the same way that Sydney kind of lives her life. Matter of fact, in so many other ways, one of the only ways I live my life matter of fact, was like, if you commit to somebody, if you date somebody, then you think about marrying them.
And if you marry them, you bet you, you are not going to get separated from them. Yeah. So it was kind of a, and Cindy and I have talked about this, but just kind of a divorce or separation really wasn't in the vocabulary when I was growing up. Now, a lot of times I still saw my, you know, and my, my parents fought a lot and just like any other couple, but mm-hmm , it was always at the end of every fight.
I can almost remember my parents. Coming up to me seeing that I was upset if they fought or were in a they're like, listen, you know, that we love each other and you know, that we would never leave each other. Mm-hmm . And so that was kind of like very, I remember that like a specific that was very young. I can remember my parents saying that, so, wow.
I think you talk about the seeds. And so like, that was definitely just in the back of my mind, like, yeah, there is no second chance. There's no, Separation, like we're going all the way pretty much, no matter what happens. Wow. So, no, that's beautiful. So that's a very, very different background and your parents are still married to this day and you know, like you said, not a perfect marriage, but a beautiful example of, of what you yeah.
What you grew up with. Yeah. And I was just gonna chime in there, you know, from my side of things, you know, I, I hate to admit it, but I'll, I'll be the first to admit that like, even in our arguments, as a married couple, I'm kind of, I hate that my mind, the first place it goes is this is just too hard. Like mm-hmm we should just get out of this.
Yeah. You know, and Daniel, Daniel knows that well of me, but, but that that's just to me where he said divorce is not in his vocabulary. Like to me, it's, it's very much a Mo vocabulary, not even just in my parents and in my childhood, but there is one relationship in my whole extended family that has stayed together.
Wow. And it's my mom's mom, but every other grandparent, everyone is divorced. Aunts, uncles, uncles, aunts. Yeah. Everyone. And even, you know, The vocabulary. My parents use is very much like when I've seen other relationships in my family that have struggled, my parents are the first to say like, oh, they're really struggling.
I don't know if they're gonna make it. And so that's just, what I've always grown up with was, was that vocabulary was very prominent. Yeah. It's like, there's this off ramp that you can take. And it's like always available. And that's, I think one of the problems in our culture right now is that we, we see the divorce as a solution to problems in marriage.
And often like one of the first solutions, it shocks people to say that, but it that's absolutely true. Like so many people, a knee jerk reaction is like, You should probably get divorced. It's not gonna work out like, oh, you know, you got in an argument, you should probably get divorced. It's not gonna work out.
Your reaction is actually really normal. I, I, you probably know that, but it's really normal for people like us. Cuz sometimes we have these feelings or reactions to things and we think we're like freaks, but that's not actually the case. It's like given what we've been through, it's an appropriate response.
And uh, that's freeing, I've found that freeing and a lot of the people I've talked through through this nonprofit, through this ministry have found that freeing as well. So, but yeah, that whole idea of divorce being contagious, being something that, um, it's like a model that's set for you and it's like you said, always an option.
So I could see how you would be more sensitive to that and afraid of that. That makes so much sense. I want to go back to Dan, how did you see. The family dynamic with Sydney through the high school years and the college, and even, you know, in your twenties, how did you see all of that affect her, her parents' divorce and everything?
Yeah. So, I mean, first off when I met Sydney, in terms of, she wasn't kidding with like packing out of her, you know, living out of a suitcase or living out of a bag and yeah, this is probably terrible to say, but right now it comes in great handy, cuz she is so hyper efficient with packing and you better believe that when we took this trip here, when we're going anywhere, she's like everyone's packed already.
Got it done. And I'm like, thank you. Meanwhile, I'm literally struggling to pack my own single bag an hour before we're leaving. And she is the difference between an Italian and a German. Oh yeah. And exactly that as well. Yeah. Organization versus free spirit. And anyway, So, yeah, just kind of growing up and seeing like, with Sydney's case again, like her parents were always got along so well and they were always, so it was different because she, she, yeah.
And like everything she said, her parents got along and since they got divorced so young, but when I met her, no, yeah, she was mostly just back and forth. Definitely. Afraid of commitment. That was probably the biggest thing in terms of like, but we were young, you know, I could understand that. Sure. But definitely I think, I remember we got into an argument like early on when we first started dating and it was like very kind of scary how she was like, that's it.
And I was like, wait, this is just kind one argument. She's like, I don't wanna get hurt. I've seen what this ha I've seen what happens here. I don't want this to happen to me as well. It's happened to everyone in my family. I'm gonna get out before we get too deep into this. And that was definitely something that kind of hurt me, cuz I was like, wow, she's very, kind of got a wall up.
And like I get it. She doesn't wanna be hurt. And the only way that I can kind of combat that is just showing UN unwavering commitment and unwavering. Just kind of like, Nope, we're gonna stay together. It's okay. We'll get through this. Totally. Um, obviously that gets harder and harder. The longer you date, the longer you stay together.
And then once you get married, that's like that we've we will, tomorrow is our five year anniversary. So we will have been married for five years tomorrow. Wow. I remember the wedding. It was a, it was a fun wedding. Yeah. Best party ever. so, um, shout out to everyone at the wedding. Yeah. Anybody, but it was awesome.
So just kind of that day, it was honestly, it was a beautiful and incredible day, but I remember being like, definitely like, this is it. This is the biggest test. Like if Sydney and I go through this, that is going, this is gonna be the ultimate commitment and unwavering tests. So for me, what I saw to answer your question though, overall was just like that very hesitant, like, Nope, not gonna get married till I'm 27.
It's happened to everyone else in my family. And I'm like, well, my grandparents stayed together. I, I had a very like opposite, like, yeah, I've got some aunts and uncles that got divorced, but nearly everyone stayed together. So I was like, if you see me through this, we'll make it through like, just trust me.
Yeah. And she was kind of like on the other side of like, I really am hesitant to trust you. Mm-hmm so it was a trust thing, a commitment thing, but. Once Sydney makes her mind up with so many other things. When she sticks her mind to something, she gets it done. Mm-hmm . So I knew that that would overtake some of those commitment and anxieties with all that.
Totally. Yeah. No, that makes so much sense. There's this one researcher who says that, um, when it comes to relationships in marriage, everyone has some level of fear. Everyone faces challenges, but people who come from intact families where they've seen, you know, at least a good example of what marriage should be like.
Uh, they have that example to fall back on and it gives them confidence. It gives them courage to push on people like us who come from broken families. We feel those similar, maybe more intense fears, emotions, challenges, but we don't have anything to fall back on. We've seen a really broken model, which leaves us feeling more anxious and afraid.
Typically, you know, everyone's experience is perhaps different, but. That's why I can totally see what you guys are saying. Like you came from one background, so you came from another background. Yeah. It sounds super interesting and challenging to kind of mesh those together. I wanna keep going down this path unless you had anything you wanted to say to that.
Yeah. So I wanna keep going down this path of relationships and transition into talking about your marriage as much as you're comfortable. You know what I need to tell us everything unless you want to I'm, I'm an open book, you know, me, Joey. I'm pretty much an open book. Oh yeah. Yeah. So yeah. What have been some of the challenges that you would likely attribute to, you know, coming from a broken family or, or not?
What, what are some of the challenges that you guys have faced? Yeah, I think the biggest one is, you know, as we were just discussing. Every marriage has arguments. Many of them, I'm not saying don't get married, but there's always gonna be arguments in marriage. So we definitely fight a good bit. And it always to me comes to, you know, like, like I had previously said, just this is too hard.
Like maybe this wasn't wasn't right. So I think my thought process is, is definitely the most challenging thing that we face in our marriage. The next, just cuz it's on the forefront for me would be, you know, as it's early December, right now we're approaching Christmas mm-hmm and holidays are really, really hard for me.
Mm. Um, they always were growing up. It was always, you know, a back and forth kind of thing. Like we were here for these hours here for these hours. And it was just so divvied up. Mm-hmm . And so now you add not only, you know, most marriages would have two families mixed in now we have three cuz we have my mom's side, my dad's side and his parents' side.
Yeah. So trying to navigate that has been not only challenging, but to me it's like, this is even worse than it was when I was a kid. You know, I, it was enough for me to split it between two. I thought I was gonna get married and have my own family and now splitting it between three is, is really hard. And it honestly makes a lot of arguments between Daniel and I during the holidays.
Yeah. It brings tension, brings drama. It can totally relate. But yeah. Dan, if you had any thoughts on that love day. Yeah. I mean, you talk about in terms of. Trying to get family together and trying to be giving everyone equal time, um, you know, marrying into a family that has two families already, you know?
Yeah. My side of the family kind of sees it as, okay, you've got it's 50, 50 it's our family gets 50% and then Sydney's two families. They get 25 and 25. Mm. And it is tough because I'm almost immediately like, that's not, it's, it's a third, a third, a third. It's gotta be. And they're like, well, we're not the ones who got separated.
Why are we getting punished for that? I was like, mom and dad, I chose to marry Sydney because I love her more than anything in the world. And I chose to go into a family that has two families. So at that point we need to separate it into a third, a third, a third, and try to make it as equal as possible.
But at the end of the day, I mean, even Sydney and I have been married for five years and it's like, at the end of the day, we are still the bonnets and there will come a time when it's just gonna be. In turn it's, it's tough with holidays. Yes. Just like we are the only ones and we're gonna spend time with our family.
Yeah. Wow. I never, yeah. I never heard that ratio like of the 25, 20 or 25, 25 50 versus the a third each. Um, but that makes someone sense. And we've, we've experienced that too. When we typically go home to Chicago, it's, we're visiting typically staying with my mom. And so my dad, we don't see him as much, but now that we have a baby, now that we have Lucy, our time is even more valuable to them.
Like they wanna spend time with their grandchild, which totally makes sense. And I'm sure you guys see that too. Yeah. So, you know, whereas in the past, maybe it wasn't as big of a deal if we didn't spend equal time with mom and dad, um, now it's becoming a bigger deal and even the first trip we took there, people were unhappy.
yeah. So it's hard. It's really hard to, to navigate that. Has there on kind of the positive side, has there been anything that you've learned that has made navigating those holidays easier, better? I wish I could say yes. No, that's okay. Yeah. We're still, we're still figuring it out five years married. Yeah.
This will be our, I guess, fifth Christmas together. Okay. As a married couple. And um, and yeah, no, it's still really hard. Recently got into a conversation actually with my mom. We we're kind of jumping around a lot right now. We're in the midst of a, a big move for Daniel joining the air force and trying to navigate that.
But that being said, we've been living with my mom for the past two months. And then, um, recently just moved back up to my dad's house. Okay. Yep. And got into a conversation with my mom where she expressed how offended she was with the way that we've split up our time. Mm-hmm and it. Really shocking to me to have her say that I, you know, she was really justified in saying that because of the way we have divvied up, it's been a challenge, like we just said, but yeah, I was pretty taken aback to hear that mostly because, you know, my thought was, I didn't, I didn't wish this.
Like, I don't want to have to be the one to choose where I'm divvying up my time. So in answer to your question, no, we haven't figured out an easy way to navigate that at all. We're still working on it and that's definitely a really big challenge in our marriage right now. Yeah. Okay. No, that makes sense.
And thanks to your honesty, cuz I think that's where a lot of people are at and what I've observed in my life and the lives of the people that I talk to is that. Some years are better, other years are worse. And so, yeah, I wish I could say some years are better. I've hated it every year. So far.
increasingly worse. It's been increasingly worse. Yeah. And you know, not to say there's no hope cuz we're, we're gonna work on it. We're gonna figure it out. And like Daniel said, we're gonna establish ourselves as our own little family. Now with three kids, you know, eventually it'll come to a point where we are just our own entity.
And so that's really what I think we have to hold steadfast to is, is who we are as a young couple and as a, you know, growing couple together. Yeah. I think balancing any holiday or. Birthday or celebration graduation when Sydney walked down the aisle, her mom and her dad. Um, so our biological mom and dad were on either in, in both of her hands on her.
Right. And her left hand. Okay. Yeah. And her stepparents were actually just behind them. And I think it was a good symbolization of how well they get along and how well, like Sydney said, they were able to cooperate with each other and super nice. And they've hung out multiple times at graduations and things like that.
There's still some hesitancy when it comes to, you know, nobody wants to spend a lot of time with the person that they divorced. Obviously I can understand that, but I think just going back to the holidays and birthdays, and it's been. It it's been a learn. I mean, I don't wanna say tough cuz I could never understand what Sydney's gone through, but a lot of it is a learning experience for me the day that I married Sydney and her mom and dad walked down the aisle and there were two extra people mm-hmm who I thought it was a very symbolic kind of passage into, we are all family now.
Exactly. Like I was talking about with the percentages and we were all family now. And so yeah, when it's Rosemary's fourth birthday, she's gonna get three birthday parties. She's gonna get my mom and dad. She's gonna, and there was a point, I think Sidney was gonna say something like, I need to watch what I say in certain.
Scenarios. Hmm. Yeah. So we just celebrated Rosemary's fourth birthday last week. So that just happened. And that conversation just happened where Daniel said something to my dad about, oh gosh, she's already had so many birthday parties and gotten so many presents. We've done this with every parent so far.
And I didn't, I didn't say with every parent who are, but I, I definitely was like, geez, another birthday party. And like, it was totally insensitive because yeah, but it's kind of funny cuz you. Like I said, and like I talked about my childhood growing up, I'm an internalized and I just like, I, I just handled things and I just did what I was told.
And it was like, okay, we just opened Christmas presents all morning long, but now we're at another house opening Christmas presents again. And for a kid, that's a dream. Yeah. You know, two Christmases, but you know, it's funny now seeing Daniel kind of go through that process of growing into that reality now as an adult, whereas I experienced it as a kid.
And so to me, I have filters where I'm like, you just don't say certain things. Mm. And maybe you do, maybe you should say certain things, but I just I'm like, Nope, this that's not appropriate in, in this context. But yeah, it is funny cuz I, I just grew up with two of everything, always two birthday parties, two Christmases, two, um, you know, whatever it was, it was.
You just did you did double. Yeah. No, that makes sense. And that there's totally some positive aspects to that, but, um, I know what I typically hear is people will throw that around is like, see the divorce isn't that bad. Like everyone's happier. Yeah. And I know that's not what you're saying, but I think it's just worth mentioning for everyone listening, just so they don't misunderstand us.
But, um, yeah, for a kid that is, uh, I remember when my parents first separated like that Christmas, um, I think my dad was trying to like overcompensate and he just like bought us. Like at that time it was like PS two and just like all these games. And it was that aspect of, it was like, okay, this is kind of fun.
This is cool. But then deeper down. And I was like, this sucks. Like, this is really not the way I wish it was. But like you said, it's just the hand that we're dealt and we have to deal with it. So I want to go to, yeah, you brought up the kids, so let's just go there for a second. Have you thought about. Kind of Rosie's perspective on, and I mean, all your kids, but on her grandparents.
And have you had any conversations? I know she's so young now at four, but have you had any conversations like that or have you thought ahead to what you might say? Yeah. So to the first part of that, We actually recently, Rosemary, you know, we're, since we're bouncing around living with various family for now, she recently, you know, she's starting to learn like who is whose mom, you know, to her.
I am her mom. So to think of me having a mom is very like what . Yeah. Um, but so she's starting to ask those questions and it's, it's really sweet. You know, recently she asked that about my stepmom. She said, wait, but if only is your mom, then who are you? And so. She's definitely starting to understand that a little better and yeah.
And ask those questions and yeah, we do have to start thinking about how we're gonna answer those questions for her. Thankfully. So far, it's been just an over abundance of love because she has so many grandparents and family members that all love her. And, and so she's, you know, really sweet about just enjoying all of that time with everyone and, and who everyone means to, you know, what they mean to her.
Mm-hmm but in terms of answering those questions, it it's gonna be tough because, you know, especially for me, when, when Dan and I do get in those fights and we have those, those conversations, you know, for me, of course, my first thought is my kids. , you know, I guess my prayer for everyone who's experienced divorce is that that'll be the same for them because you think of your kids and you think of what it's done to you emotionally.
Mm-hmm , you know what it's done to me and what I don't wanna do to my kids ever. Yeah. So I think that's, they are a huge factor in what is gonna like keep our marriage moving forward, always because I don't wish this upon anyone. Yeah. Well, I think Joey probably has mentioned this in his other podcast as well, but just in terms of the fine line of staying together, if you're in a relationship that's struggling really badly and you have kids and just, yeah.
Staying together for the kids. Right. Is that like a blink 180 2 song or something? something , it's like about like, I think there's a, a line, you know, when of unhealthiness, like arguments and difficulties and then like, you obviously don't want to stay in an abusive relationship together if you have kids just to keep them, because that would do even more damage.
Yeah. To see mom and dad being abusive to each other. Mm-hmm , that's way worse than them being separated. Right. But in terms of just are, you know, there's there's and obviously, although I got a degree in psychology, I'm no psychologist, but when I learn and think about childhood development and just what a divorce does to, to the child's mind and to a kid, uh, growing up, like there is that fine line where I'm myself.
Sometimes even now, if things get bad enough, are we gonna stay together just for the kids? And where is that line for? I know I'm going off on a different track. No, no, this is very relevant. Keep going. Right. It's like, are we staying together for the kids? If Rosie and we're fighting in the car and Rosie's like, stop, stop, stop.
And I'm like, oh, it just kills me. Like we're raising our voices at each other. And my three year old in the back is like, mom and dad, stop. I hate it when you fight. And I was like, oh man, like, yeah. So, you know, there is that, that fine line, but it's also okay. If your kids see you fight. Yeah. You know, that's a normal thing.
I saw my parents fight and lots of people do, but it's that line of like, where things get harmful when kids can really get scarred. Mm-hmm . If they see you guys fighting in a. Super abusive way or anything like that. So, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, that's a great point. And this is a hard thing to talk about.
This is a very nuanced conversation when, with the topic that you just brought up, like, yeah, you should fight for your marriage, but where's the line where you need to like protect yourself for your kids. So what we talk about and what the, you know, for any Catholics listening, what the catechism says in can law that's church law.
If you're not familiar, basically it, that divorce is traumatic. It's brings disorder into the world. It's a very bad thing, especially for the kids, but there might be situations where it's a necessity because of abuse or threat of death or violence, something like that. And so in that situ. it should be looked at as a means as a legal maneuver to offer protection.
And it should never be used as like, well, I just wanna quit. It should be used only as like, I need to protect myself and my kids. And so that's and the church law, Ken law says that you separation might actually be a step in the direction of healing, the marriage. It's not ideal that you would go through that, especially for the sake of your kids, because that could be the separation itself can be traumatic, but sometimes it's necessary.
And so the hope and the goal is always to heal the marriage and bring the family back together. Now, is that always realistic? No, but then we get into the much bigger topic of, is marriage, just a contract? Is it a piece of paper or is there something more deep on a human level, on even a spiritual level where you make this vow and you're bonded to this person for life?
I. And if that's the case, which I believe it is, then marriage is more than just a civil contract. And so even if that civil contract were to be broken as a legal maneuver to offer protection, there's still the vows that you promised to your spouse, which it's a tough thing to talk about. It really is, but that, that's the way that we look at it.
So to anyone listening right now who maybe, you know, someone, or perhaps you are in an abusive situation, what we would always say is like, get to safety, get to safety, and that if that involves leaving your spouse, you do that. But thankfully just to offer a little more insight, cuz this often comes up, especially with this ministry, just offer a little more insight into that.
One of the leading researchers on the effects of divorce on the children, uh, has said that roughly 30% of divorces are actually, and this was years ago, 30% of divorces are actually those high conflict situations. So it might have gone up a little bit, but 70% are low conflict. Meaning there wasn't abuse.
There wasn't like a ton of, you know, overt fighting, just lots of violence or. Drama at home, 70% is situations where, you know, the couple has problems, but they could work through them if they chose and not to say, it's not hard, it's absolutely hard. But about 70% of, of those divorces, uh, could, could be worked through.
And that number might have gone up quite a bit because we've normalized divorce, uh, so much in our culture that, uh, it's a much easier thing to do now. And for the people who are in abusive situations, that's a helpful thing for people who need. Encouragement to stick with their wedding vows, to stick with their marriage, to work through the issues, to do whatever's necessary to get through that.
That's a bad thing. So it's very nuanced. There's like a lot to talk about here. So yeah. Any thoughts on that? Yeah. A couple comments on that, you know, first for us, when you talk about our vows and our wedding day, something that I frequently think back to, and Daniel's heard me say this a lot, but I really hold tight to what our, the priest who married us said in his homily during our wedding.
And he actually. You know, for those of you who aren't familiar with the Catholic church, usually priests can't get married, but there is a certain case where there are some priests, very few priests, but there are some priests who have been married. And so our priest was actually one of them. And so hearing it from his perspective is really interesting cuz he, you know, he stands for, you know, as a father of the Catholic church, but also as a father to his biological children.
Yeah. And, and he said in his homily to us, you know, today you are getting married because you love each other. But from now on love each other because you are married mm-hmm . And so I hold to that a lot. You know, when you talk about those, those cases of marriage where it's just low conflict or, you know, they've fallen outta love or the fights have TA overtaken their love, you know, I think that's one thing that's really important to hold tight.
Two mm-hmm mm-hmm is, you know what you stood. The day you made those vows and, and I definitely can't speak too much to the cases of high conflict sure. Situations, because it's just not something that I've ever experienced or am familiar with. Thanks to God for that. Yeah. And I'm sure that that's very challenging to maneuver, um, and to, to face for many but one thing to add to that is I, I think one way that I have kind of grown to cope with, you know, as we go back to the definition of, you know, bringing up the, the word divorce in your marriage.
One thing that I have really tried to separate out is the difference of separation and divorce. Yeah. You know, as a faithful Catholic, I, I really don't wish to stand for divorce. Mm-hmm um, except for in certain situations like we talked about, but, you know, I. The old saying separation makes the heart grow fonder, whether it's true or not, maybe not always, but you know, and Daniel and I have thankfully never faced this, but I try and just separate those two words out where maybe sometimes there's situations, if it is high conflict, where separation is essential, it's necessary to recover the situation.
And then the, the prayer moving forward was be that you still get back together, your divorce, your marriage hasn't, hasn't been broken, you know, you're still married, but maybe that, that time is necessary to be a part. So mm-hmm yeah, that's just kind of, I think a way of coping for me is I don't want to bring divorce into our marriage ever, but if it ever did come up, separation might be important first.
Sure. And I think that's something that our society really overlooks a lot. Yeah. And kind of skip that step no, a hundred percent. And the, the intention behind a divorce is very telling to some people, you know, like in the case of abuse, like we're talking about, they're doing it as a mean to protection.
Right. And, and there's kind of, there's two legal ways. You could go, at least in the United States, it might be different around the world, but there's, um, a divorce or there's a legal separation. And I, I couldn't tell you no lawyer. Couldn't tell you all the legal differences there, but one is more, the divorce is more final.
The legal separation is more of like an intermediate step. Yeah. It's, uh, it can be a step in the right direction to hopefully heal the marriage. Like I know of one couple right now, the husband's an alcoholic and he's just gotten down really bad path. And the wife is like, just genuinely wants to him to heal, get his act together, them to be a family.
Again, they have kids. It's really sad situation. Um, but he hasn't done that. And so she had to go the route of a legal separation. She didn't want to do the divorce because she believes in the, in marriage and it being lifelong. Um, but she can't be in that situation. So sometimes you have to make those hard decisions.
Yeah. Contrasting that with someone who, you know, might say, well, I've just fallen out of love. And I just want to get out of this and start over again. Those are ver two very different things. And that's the first case it's like, yes, that's understandable. The second case. It's, that's where we would push back and say, no, like fight for your marriage.
There's there's so much good that can come out of it, even if you have to fight for years to, to bring that good into your marriage. So yeah. Does that make sense with the two differences? Yeah, definitely. And you know, not to compare and contrast two marriages, but when I look at my parents versus my own marriage, thankfully, you know, I guess my response to some would be just that marriage is always gonna be hard.
I think, you know, I haven't talked with too many people about their encounters with marriage and their, you know, what they, what they deal with. But to me, I guess that's my perspective is that it's always gonna be hard. And for Daniel and I, we, there was nothing. In our dating life that would've indicated that our marriage wouldn't be great.
Yeah. Um, you know, we had a really great relationship dating. We were best friends. We still are in many ways beautiful, but it's, it's taken a, you know, it's different than it was when we were dating. Sure. Um, there's a lot more pressure. There's a lot more discussions to be had. And so it takes your best friend relationship to a, a different kind of level.
But yeah, for us, like we had a great intro into our wedding day. Um, so that being said. You know, having had that, versus when I look at my parents' relationship and how they didn't really have that, they were young, you know, for them, to my knowledge, they got married because they both wanted to be outta their parents' house.
They both wanted to be independent on their own. And the only way to really do that at their age was let's just get married, independent on each other. Sure. They didn't know each other too long. They were kind of a, an unexpected couple in college, very, or in high school, they were very different. And so looking at them and seeing how, how the, their marriage, you know, went about and ended mm-hmm is just kind of a Testament to me that it's always gonna be hard.
So, you know, even if you're best friends first, even if you have everything is rock solid going in, it's gonna be hard. And, and so, yeah, I think that's just something that I try to keep in perspective is okay. You know, even if I say that I wanna just start a new with somebody else, it's gonna be hard again.
Yep. Especially because. You know, Dan and I have the history that we have together that is such a rock for us. And, you know, you look at what your life could be like, and, you know, you have to ask yourself, is it really better? You know, is, is what that does to your children is what that does to yourself and your, your emotions.
Um, having a, especially having already grown up with divorce mm-hmm and then having to experience the emotions of that in a much more even personal level on your own. So again, of course, this is only for those cases where it's, it seems like an easy out versus it being a, a much more. High conflict situation.
Yeah. A necessity to protect people. Yeah. Max, you could hear max in the back. Hey, Hey buddy. No. So that makes so much sense. And, uh, there's this quote, I, I can't remember the whole thing, but it basically goes like, choose your heart. Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard. And it goes through like this whole litany of different things that are hard and you just have to choose which, which hard do you want to go with.
And so, uh, it, I, I think it's a good reminder. And one of the essential ingredients of having a really healthy marriage is, uh, good expectations. And if you go into it thinking it's gonna be a fairytale, you're gonna be very shocked to notice that it's not and you're gonna have conflict. And if you think you're never gonna fight, um, you're gonna be shocked and that's gonna lead you to doubt, like, man, maybe I married the wrong person, or, you know, maybe I shouldn't have even gone down this marriage path at all with anyone.
So, no, I think it's a great reminder. And the fact that, uh, when you get divorced and get remarried, your divorce rate is much higher because I think people are fooled by that thinking like, no, it'll be so much different. And not to say there's some people who have a second marriage, that's like very happy.
They're faithful and things go well. Um, so there are those cases, but statistically, the majority of people, it just repeats itself, which is I think very telling of what could happen. Mm-hmm so going to kind of, some of the struggles we've, uh, had, cuz I don't want you to be the only one sharing. Uh, it's certainly been, even in our dating relationship, it's been a.
Difficult because I was always really afraid of love and marriage and vulnerability. Like even when we were in Austria and you know, I was starting a relationship there, I was just terrified of that. I didn't really know how to go about it all, to be honest with you. And, uh, there's so much fear, so much fear, so much anxiety I wrestled with so much before I would even get to the point of like asking her to be in a relationship with me.
And no one could tell that unless I told them it was, you know, I kept a good exterior kind of like you and just dealt with it. But, um, man, it was so hard and then fast forwarding to met my now wife bridged in our dating relationship. It was always difficult for me to just be vulnerable and trust. I like you and pretty fiercely independent.
And a lot of that I think is just a protection mechanism. Just like, well, what if you leave me? I need to, you know, make sure to keep my autonomy. To an unhealthy level. And, um, and it certainly is a balance, you know, there are other people on the other end of the spectrum who have an over reliance on each other to where it becomes this enmeshed unhealthy relationship.
But on the other end of the spectrum, you know, you have people who are so fiercely independent, it's almost like they do nothing for each other. So we've tried to hit that balance, but it's been hard. And so, uh, another fear of mine, like I mentioned before is just that maybe one day bridge would just leave me cuz to me as a kid, that's kind of what happened with my parents.
It was just like, I, my parents didn't have a perfect marriage. They certainly fought, there were problems there. And we kind of knew that I was kids, but they were together and that was good. And then out of the blue, it seemed to me, I later have learned more of the details. Um, they just. Broke apart. And I was like, what?
Like, how could that happen? And as an 11 year old boy, uh, that just like imprinted this idea in me that at any point, anything could fall apart. And that's a difficult thing to bring into a marriage because what I've learned too is we almost had this subconscious expectation that our spouse will leave us or that the marriage will end.
And we act off of that expectation, which then contributes to it actually becoming a reality mm-hmm so you have this like cycle that we have to fight through. So it definitely complicated, but, uh, for us it's been, it's been challenging. And I think at times that can just be emotionally distant in my marriage, whether it's all, you know, related to what happened to my family or not, that can be talked about and debated certainly a lot of it is.
And, uh, I've had to be very conscious and work through that and we go to counseling and do all that good stuff. So, yeah. Um, you guys aren't alone and, uh, we certainly have our arguments and sometimes they're handled very well resolved. Well, other times they're not other times it ticks days or, you know, longer to really, uh, resolve a situation.
But one of the things we've always tried to do, especially now that we have our daughter, Lucy, Is to resolve it. And she's like you said before, the kids are so much more motivating. It's like, I remember I was interviewing Jason Everett and we were talking about people who, you know, just feel tempted to cheat on their spouse.
Cause that's a real thing. And um, one of the things he said is like, yeah, once you have kids, you know, you might feel like, gosh, like, you know, really angry at your spouse. Like I could cheat on you right now, but I can never cheat on my kid. And so I think it's really beautiful and it kind of shows what family life is meant to look like.
Not that everyone could have kids, but I think there is that it's more permanence once you have the kids in the family in an extra level of motivation. Yeah. That's really sweet story. And I was gonna go back, you know, to what Daniel said about Rosemary, has she makes comments about, you know, please don't fight or she'll say sweet things.
Like, you know, you just have to say, sorry, and dad, you have to forgive her. And you know, she kind of coaches us also on the things that we coach her on. So it's practice what you preach. You know, I think the question that that poses is like you just shared with your childhood, you know, you don't wanna set a facade for your children.
I recently read about blessed Jerome LA June is someone that I really love. I hope that he becomes a Saint one day. We just named our, our third son after him and was a French doctor. He was a French doctor. He, uh, discovered the, the cause of down syndrome, which is why we named our son after him. Cuz our second son has down syndrome.
That's right. But anyways, he, he was an awesome guy. He has a, a book about him that I was reading and his daughter wrote it. And she says that she never saw her parents fight, you know, mm-hmm which maybe they had a really blessed marriage where they just, they didn't very often, but maybe that's naive to say maybe they did.
And they just didn't expose their kids to that. So I think the question it poses, you know, like I was saying is you don't wanna lead your kids on to think that arguments don't happen. Mm-hmm I think more importantly, you wanna teach them that they do and that they can be overcome. Mm. Yeah. But at the same time, you know, I think a big thing for us, and I'm not very good at those.
You can say that too, but is, is showing your kids both sides because my love language is by no means physical touch , you know, the German in me, I guess, is very, just put up a wall and stand straight um, just kidding. Germans are great. I love them. she's right. but, but to me, you know, when you fight, you know, Daniel is the first to always end it in.
Let's just hug. and, and I think that's important for your kids to see too is affection. And is you showing them that it's okay to fight, but you have to overcome and you have to forgive each other. And, you know, I think it kind of circles me not to go on a totally different topic, but it circles me to one of the big things that I've always said to Daniel to try and teach him or show him, you know, how it really feels to be a child of, of divorced parents.
But it really hit me, I think the first time being exposed to his parents when I walked in the door one day and I just saw them, you know, his dad walked home from work and gave his mom a hug and a kiss. Hmm. And I think that's the first time it really hit me was when I saw that. And I was like, I have never seen that in my life.
Mm-hmm , I've never seen my parents walk in the door and hug and kiss each other. Mm. And so that's really hard, you know, I've seen that with my stepparents, which again, beautiful relationships, beautiful people, but just that it kind of just hit me like a jab when I was like, I have, I would. I would love to just see my parents walk in the door and hug and kiss each other.
And so for, for those who have kids and, you know, for those who maybe aren't married, you know, if you're in high school or whatever, you aspire to be a, a mom or dad and have kids and, you know, be a spouse is just keep the affection, you know, show your kids that it's okay to have arguments, but you have to love each other still.
Mm, wow. That's beautiful. And I love that desire that you had for that. I think that's what we all ultimately want. And I think part of the reason this whole thing is so painful is that it's a desire that's often Mo most often not gonna be fulfilled. Like I remember my siblings and I saying something like that, and there was some drama going on at home.
And, uh, one of us said, like, we just want our family to be together to be whole, I forget which siblings said that, but it just like destroyed me, like, and I, wasn't a really emotional guy and. High school beginning of college, but that, that was like a stung. It was like, yeah, that would be really great. So I definitely know that experience, so many good things.
Kind of switching gears maybe a little bit. What did you maybe need from your parents that they weren't aware of all those years? Uh, or maybe just didn't provide? Hmm. Yeah, that's a good question. I think maybe just more awareness of the situation, you know, as we've touched on, they were really good at, you know, and this is, like you said, the defensive side where you wanna defend your parents.
Mm-hmm they were really good at handling it. They were really good at showing us that we had two sets of parents who were very involved in our life, who loved us very much. And, you know, basically creating it as if it were a. Unbroken relationship. But I think with that, you know, what that did with me was made me feel like I couldn't feel emotions about it, or I couldn't feel like it was, you know, a situation to be sad about because they just, not that they masked it, but it just wasn't talked about.
Sure. It was just, you know, like I said, this is the way it is. You get what you get mm-hmm and, you know, especially, you know, as I touched on the conversation I recently had with my mom and my sister, and I have only occasionally talked about how we feel mm-hmm , but it was just, you know, maybe just having them say, I know this is hard on you.
Like that was just never verbalized. Yeah. It was more put on me of. , I don't wanna pressure you, you know, I don't want you, I don't wanna pressure you to come for home for Christmas or, you know, whatever the conversation was, but it was just put on me to make the decision, whereas, you know, I wanna throw it right back and say, this isn't on me.
Yeah. And so I think just that would've been really, really impactful. Mm-hmm to have my parents be the ones to say, you know, it's really touching to sit here with you, Joey. And have you say like, you know, you're not at fault or it's okay. That you feel this way. Many people feel this way. That's, that's really touching to hear.
But I think hearing that from your parents is even more impactful to just hear them say this isn't your fault. And I know this is hard cause I was never said a hundred percent. Yeah, I would, man, that would be really nice. I think like you said, you nailed it when you said a lot of parents are just unaware, like your parents using them as an example.
But, uh, but that seems to be pretty normal. There seems to be three types of parents just in this work. This is like, what we've learned. One type of parent is just a parent. Who's totally. They just like really don't have an idea or at least not a good idea of like what you're going through, what I'm going through.
The second type of parent is someone that they're aware. They have some insight into it. Maybe they went through their parents' divorce. Um, but they just don't know what to do about it. So they kind of, maybe they act like they aren't aware or they just feel pretty lost. So they just don't do anything.
And the third type of parent, which I have met, they're rare. They're the ones who have the awareness and then take like steps to help their kids deal with it and apologize and own up to the mistakes that they've made. And it's really beautiful. There's this one, couple Barb and Joe I've had the honor of meeting with and talking to, and, um, they just really beautiful.
They're like going to their kids and talking about how they're so sorry for what happened. They both were divorced. Got married. And then, um, 20 years later, they're starting to wake up to this reality. So a lot there, uh, just in closing out. if your parents were here right now, I know some of what you just said would apply.
What would you say to them? it's a tough, probably the toughest question I've asked so far. Yeah, definitely. Cuz you know, I wanna say, I'd say nothing. I'd say don't listen, don't, you know, don't hear my emotions, but you know, I think I would, I would say thank you for loving us and handling it the way you did and giving us, you know, showing us still what it means to love somebody mm-hmm because you know, they did that really well in their second marriage, both of them.
So I'd, I'd say thank you for that, but I'd also say, please hear me, you know, please know that this is hurt. Wow. Just closing out. I wanna give you last word first. Thanks for coming on. Um, for any of you listening, you might be wondering where's Dan , he's kind of been popping in and out taking care of the kids.
Yeah. Just curious to anyone who comes from the background that we come from. Dan, I'd love to hear your thoughts too. What, what advice would you give to someone like that, especially who wants to be married one day, um, who maybe, you know, Dan, from your perspective, advice to someone like you, who's marrying someone from a broken family, what would you say to them?
And then said, I wanna throw it to you as well to say, what advice would you give to, um, someone who does come from a broken family? Who's marrying someone from an intact family. Yeah. Just that stay strong, you know, no matter what I liked what you said at the beginning, Joey, when you talked about like, these feelings are normal, like not a lot of people, I feel like get told that like, it's okay to have these feelings about, you know, either blaming yourself and I know your book, it's not your fault.
like, that's a huge part of like, just being able to not blame yourself. And when you do have those feelings towards your parents, like, and then having that guilt as well, all of this is a normal process in a very similar way. Um, when we learn about the stages of grieving, like all normal things. Just because they're like, it's terrible.
They're awful things that have to, you have to go through, but those are normal feelings to have. And then just telling people who, uh, wanna get married or who are in a relationship like that, just like, yeah, exactly. Stay strong. And like, except for those things that we talked about, um, in terms of like staying together for the kids for certain other reasons, like if 70% of marriages get 70% of those divorces are because of like, I don't wanna say smaller issues, but what was the term you used?
Uh, low conflict. Yeah. Low conflict. Like, I feel that that is so true. So yeah, if you put your heart and soul into your spouse and into your marriage, you can make it work. Beautiful. Sid. Would you add anything for, you know, especially a couple like you guys, one comes from an intact family. One comes from a divorced family, any advice for navigating marriage and life together?
You know, as we've talked about, we're both Catholic. I actually wasn't Catholic growing up. I wasn't Catholic until I met Daniel for that matter. Um, and I know some listeners may or may not be, but whatever your beliefs are. I think that something that really hits home for me is when Daniel used to tell me that he would pray every night with his mom for his future spouse.
Hmm. And I was like, whoa, you know, having grown up, not even somebody who was praying at all, um, just the thought of like, there was this woman who sat with her son, however old, he was two years old in the bedroom praying for me and she didn't even know me. So I think my, you know, my biggest thing is whatever age you are, whatever stage you are in your life, pray for your future spouse, pray for your, the kids, your kids, future spouses.
Yeah. You know, I, I pray that that is what has brought us together. That that's what will keep us together. Mm-hmm um, the power of prayer is, is really important.
Love that conversation. If you wanna reach out to Sydney, you can find our contact information in the show notes. Again, if you'd like to meet with me personally, to talk about ReSTOR vision, I'd love to do that. Just email me@joeyrestorministry.com. Again, that's Joey ReSTOR ministry.com will schedule a time to get together.
If you'd like to make a donation to ReSTOR, just go to restored ministry.com/donate. The resources mentioned during the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 60. Thank you so much for listening, and this has been useful. Feel free to subscribe, but most importantly, if you know someone who's struggling from their parents' divorce or separation broken marriage, go ahead and share this podcast with them.
Always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
