#055: I Wish My Family Was Normal | Ashlyn Frederick
If your family is broken, you’ve probably felt like our guest today who badly wanted her family to be normal. It’s such a natural desire which goes painfully unsatisfied.
In this raw episode, we discuss:
How an affair broke her family apart and how that’s impacted her
How we often use excessive drinking to cope with our pain and what to do instead
When moving away from your family could be the right thing for a time
Buy Joey’s book: It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain & Problems from Your Parents’ Divorce (affiliate link)
Links & Resources
Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
Ashlyn Frederick
Facebook: Caperture It Photography
Instagram: Caperture It Photography
Enjoy the show?
To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.
As a bonus, you’ll receive our free ebook, 5 Practical Tips to Cure Loneliness!
TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
If you come from a broken family, you've probably had the thought. I just wish my family was normal. I've been there. I felt that I think most of us have, and I remember some sort of situation at home where there was some drama going on and one of my siblings said something like, I just want our family to be whole again.
And that just destroyed me. It just struck such a nerve inside me because I felt that desire so strong. And if you can relate, you're gonna love this episode. You're gonna love my guest today. In this episode, we touched on how an affair broke her family apart and how that's impacted her. She shares how anger was a real struggle for her and what she did about it.
And she offered some advice on how you can handle your anger in a healthy way. We discussed. How many of us fall into drinking excessively in order to. With our pain and what you can do and said, and we talk about how moving away from your family could actually be the right move for you. At least for a time.
This is such a down to earth conversation, lots of good stuff in it. So keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm. Joey Pelli thank you so much for listening. This is episode 55, and if you haven't heard, my new book is live on Amazon. It's titled it's not your fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce.
And the sad truth is that for a lot of teens and young adults, the most traumatic thing that they've endured is their parents separation. Or divorce, but nobody shows them how to handle all the pain and all the problems that stem from their family's breakdown without guidance. They continue to feel alone in struggle, in serious ways with emotional problems, unhealthy coping relationships, struggles, and so much more.
And I've experienced these problems. Firsthand these exact problems firsthand. And it really shouldn't be this way. This book, it's not your fault is an answer to that problem. It features 33 questions and answers on the most pressing challenges face by teens and young adults from broken family. Such as after my family broke apart, I felt abandoned, unwanted, inadequate, and even rejected is something wrong with.
Self-harm is my way of coping. How do I stop? What's your advice for navigating the holidays in other life events? How do I avoid repeating my parents' mistakes and build a healthy marriage? I feel broken. Like something is wrong with me. How can I heal and feel whole again? What can I do to heal my relationship with my parents?
What does God let bad things like my parents divorce. Happen and so much more, the content itself is based on research, expert advice and real life stories. And after reading this book, it's not your fault. Teens and young adults will learn how to handle the trauma of their parents' separation or divorce, how to build healthy relationships, how to overcome emotional pain and problems.
They'll learn some healing tactics to help them feel whole again. To learn about how to navigate their relationship with their parents, how to heal their relationship with God and how to make important decisions about their future. And if you come from a broken family, this book is written specifically for you.
And if that's not your background, this book is also for you because you likely know someone who comes from a broken home, it's a solid resource that you can use yourself to understand them and help them, or even gift to them, give to them so that they can benefit from it. Now, like I mentioned, you can buy the.
On Amazon right now, just click the link and the show notes. So you can go to restored ministry.com/books. Again, that's restored ministry, ministry, singular.com/books. Now, if you're not ready to buy, you can also get the first chapter for free. Just three easy steps to go to restored ministry. Dot com slash books, click on the button to get the free chapters.
Just fill out your name, your email, and we'll send you the free chapters again. That's restored ministry.com/books, either by the book or get the free chapters today. My guest today is Ashlyn. Frederick Ashlyn was born and raised in Denver, Colorado where me and my wife and my daughter Lucy live right now.
And as one of seven kids, her sisters and brother. Biggest support system and best friends, especially after her parents' divorce. Ashlyn was raised in a conservative, uh, Christian Catholic home, where much of her identity was based on those Catholic values. Through her parents' divorce, Ashlyn has had to reconcile and rediscover her identity and through the process of healing and understanding God's plan for her life.
Ashland made the courageous decision to move to Kansas city, Missouri. This is the first time she has lived away from her family. And the first time she moved without really knowing. Many people in that area are having a job lined up. Ashland has seen the fruits though of this decision has only flourished in Kansas city.
Ashland is now the executive director of a nonprofit in Kansas city called the mission project where she gets to combine her passions of fundraising and working with individuals. With disabilities Ashland also, co-owns a photography business with her boyfriend KJ called Ture it photography. I love this conversation with Ashland.
It's so real. It's so raw. She's so honest. She doesn't pretend to be someone that she's not. She's just honest about where she's struggling right now in her life, but she also shares where she's grown a lot where she's healed. So super refreshing, very hopeful. And like I said, very unfiltered and honest conversation.
So here's my conversation with Ashlyn
Ashlyn. It's so good to have you on the show. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. Thank you for having me. I'm very excited. Now I get to talk about all the depressing stuff that's happened in your life. It's always a yes, a heavy conversation, but it's really a good conversation. I think it offers a lot of hope to a lot of people.
So if you would. Take us back in time. Take us to that day when, uh, your parents separated, let us know. Yeah. How old were you? What happened? Yeah, so my parents actually separated twice, so we, I was in seventh grade, so I was about, I guess I was like 12 or 13 years old. And that was the first time that they separated.
So what happened was, I just remember. Getting home from school and my dad was there alone and he was really upset. I could just tell. He was just off, there was just something wrong. He is a man that doesn't show a lot of emotions. He's very quiet. He doesn't really express his emotions. So for him to be like expressing his sadness was something completely new to me.
And he, we get home from school, all my sisters and I, and he just kind of explained he's like, your mom is going away for a little bit. She did something bad and kind of. Made it seem like my mom was in trouble in some way. And at that age, I didn't understand everything that happened or had gone on behind closed doors.
But from what, what I learned through like private conversations between my parents and from things that my siblings found out by accidentally looking on my mom's cell phone, my mom had had an affair with someone. And so they separated, they didn't divorce at that time. Um, and then probably six months later, my mom moved back in and everything was sort of back to normal as much as it could be back to normal, but ever since then, so 13 years old, my parents had never had a stable relationship after that.
There was always arguing. There was always really hushed conversation, arguments behind closed doors, but we knew what was going on. All my siblings knew what was going on. Then fast forward to the second time that they separated and then eventually got divorced a year later, I was 24, I believe maybe I was younger.
Um, maybe 23 and I had just moved back to Colorado after college and I wasn't living at home at the time, but I was living with a friend very close to my parents' house. And I just remember. My dad called me one day when I was at work. And he was like, Ashton, I need to tell you something. I was like, okay, what's going on?
And I could just tell that again. He was very upset. He was very scared to tell me whatever he had to tell me. He told me that my mom had been arrested for a DUI. So the du DUI kind of launched into him. Going through a bunch of paperwork that my mom had discovering that she had essentially a nine year long affair.
So she never ended the affair that she had when I was 13 years old. And so it was devastating for my family. My mom was kind of, my dad essentially kicked my mom out of the house. because he was just so angry, which understandably. So I don't blame him for his anger. We were all angry and it just really tore my family apart.
So much of like, what I understood to be family was kind of just lost in that moment. Mm-hmm I think it was lost when I was 13 years old when the first initial separation happened, but. This is when it was known that, okay, my parents probably aren't gonna get back together. So my parents lived separately in the same house.
So my mom lived in the basement while my dad lived upstairs for probably six or seven months of their divorce process, their divorce took an entire year and eventually my dad did move out after like seven months of them living separated in the same house. Every time you entered into that house, it was just full of just sadness and very, um, uncomfortable energy.
And I think I really stepped up cuz my mom did have to do, you know, jail time for her DUI. Unfortunately. So I had to kind of step up and help my dad with my younger siblings. Cause I still had siblings living at home that weren't able to drive, but my dad worked full time as a teacher at a different school.
So I kind of stepped up and instead of like grieving the divorce at that time. My grieving period really got delayed. So because I had to take care of my siblings and kind of help my dad work through some of the stuff that he needed to work through in the home life and all of that. Right. So when my parents finally separated for good and got divorced, my, they were finally living separately and it was still very, um, painful to go to my childhood home where my mom was living.
There was still a lot of anger. Mm-hmm I think all of me and my siblings had, and of course my dad still had a lot of anger, so that's kind of what happened and when everything kind of crashed and burned so that's, that's really. My, the background of my parents' relationship and looking back, I don't think that they ever had a very good relationship.
Sure. Yeah. But they hid it very well until I was about 13 years old is when it kind of starting get to get exposed. No. Wow. I can relate so much to really everything you just said. Um, on so many levels. I, yeah. Um, my dad actually had to spend some time in jail as well because he had broken the order of protection that my mom had, um, against him.
So many times that they like. Bumped it up a level to basically make it necessary for him to serve some time. So that is like, yeah, I can relate on that. That, that kind of punches you in the gut. Like, you know, your family has problems, then all of a sudden you're like, wow, I never thought. One of my parents who, you know, you looked up to I'm sure.
I know. I looked up to literally has to serve jail time. It's devastating. And that, isn't the only thing. Right? There's so many things that you said. I, I really, to so much, I know, even now going back to my. Childhood home can be difficult. Sometimes it's easier than others, but there there's a lot of emotions that come up when you're there and all sorts of just messiness, um, messy dynamics with your parents and things like that.
So there's a lot to handle that. I think most people, uh, don't realize my wife recently. Kind of caught on more to the reality of all this. Um, when we visited, uh, my mom's house and she's like, wow, like I never realized that you guys dealt with so much and it cuz it is so hidden. So I, yeah, I, I can relate again on, on so many friends when.
You were going through all of this, you obviously had to step into that parent role. Um, you said you kind of stuffed away a lot of the pain that you were going through and you didn't really have a time to grieve and heal from it. What, how, how else did you react to that aside from stuffing it away? Yeah.
Um, I will first say that me stepping into that kind of parental role was actually a very natural thing for me to do because. for most of my life, my parents kind of put me on a pedestal. I was the only child that really entered into, um, like youth group and really exploring my faith. And so mm-hmm for some reason, I don't know what the reason is, but they.
Thought that, because I was exploring my faith, I was more mature. So they did expect a lot from me. There were times where I had to like help my parents pay the bills. And so it was nothing new to me to step into that role as like a parent. But besides that, I think some of my coping mechanisms or my, the way that I kind of dealt.
And the things that I experienced, I think I was very angry and I definitely took my anger out on my boyfriend at the time. And he didn't deserve that. And that definitely affected our relationship. Obviously we're no longer dating, but mm-hmm, I think just so much anger, like was like boiling over and I.
Know how to express it correctly. And I didn't know how to talk about it because I felt like, especially in the circle that I grew up in, I grew up in a very conservative Christian circle. Mm-hmm divorce was taboo. I mean, you do not get divorced. That's what my parents taught me. And so. There was almost like a sense of shame and fear.
Mm-hmm surrounding the situation that my family found itself in. You know, I, I just remember feeling so afraid that anyone would find out that my parents were getting a divorce. And I was 24 years old. Like I shouldn't have been so afraid of that, but I was, and I was filled with so much shame and I also really kind of started struggling with my relationship with my other siblings.
Like we were all experiencing the same event, but we were all grieving in a different way. And so I couldn't understand their feelings and they couldn't understand my feelings cuz we were all experiencing it in a slightly different way. And. So I, I think it was just kind of grappling with the chaos of it all.
I, I just felt like I was just in a world of chaos and I didn't know how to express it. And so I just kind of ignored it for a long time. I ignored those feelings. I didn't ask for help. I didn't talk about it, cuz I was so embarrassed about my family and I, I even stopped going to my childhood church that I had grown up in.
My family had been that family that everyone knew at that church, you know, there were seven kids in my family. We were like that big Catholic family. Mm-hmm and then all of a sudden you didn't really see us anymore. And I just, I was so embarrassed about that. So I stopped going to that specific church and it was really sad cuz I felt like my sense of community was lost.
I felt like I didn't know who to talk to. Or who I could trust to talk to about it because I was afraid of being judged. Totally. And there were people that did my boyfriend's, my, my ex-boyfriend my boyfriend at that time, his family did kind of have that idea or that judgment that, oh, you know, you're, you're a product of divorce parents.
So that, I think that wow kind of affected me too, because I, they had that idea. And so I thought everyone had that idea. If they didn't have divorced parents. And I felt like somehow some something was wrong with me because my parents were divorced, even though I wasn't the one that made that decision.
Right. You were totally a, a victim in the situation. You had no say over it. And man, I am so sorry. That is to be honest with you really upsetting and, and, you know, I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt you, but. Just like judging you like that, just because you come from a broken home. Uh, it's just not right.
It's not fair. It was just like a lack of understanding. And I mm-hmm even, I didn't understand what was going on with my own family or what was gonna be the outcome. And so then for someone to have even more of a lack of understanding and a lack of compassion, it's just like really difficult because you already feel confused.
mm-hmm, totally, I completely understand what you're saying and I can relate on the anger front as well. It's been something that, you know, I've had to grapple with at different periods of my life. Um, I think it, it is a natural reaction as you know, in the grieving process. That's part of it, just, this anger comes up and I've talked to people who they like can't feel anger for the longest time, for one reason or another, they just kind of feel numb.
And then the flood gets open and they feel all this anger. And that is very overwhelming. I'm just curious on that front. Cause I think there's a lot of people listening right now who do struggle with that. Um, what have you learned to help manage your anger to help deal with it in, in constructive. Yeah, absolutely.
I think the best thing that has helped me is finding a third party. So like a therapist that is not biased, that doesn't know the full story. And just being able to talk to them about those emotions and that anger that you experience. I, I still get angry to this day about my parents and it's been. You know, a few years since my parents got divorced and totally, I still experience that anger sometimes because there are times where I just wish my family was normal.
I just wish that I could not have to celebrate two Christmases or two Easters or have to, when I travel back home to Denver, have to figure out how I'm gonna see both my parents on a weekend trip, you know, and make it fair for the other parent. And I, that makes me angry. and so finding a therapist was probably one of the best things that I could have done for myself.
And it took me a long time to get to that point. I will say it was not easy for me to admit that I needed therapy. It took a long time and I tried so many different therapists and I would go for like maybe two or three sessions, but then we started getting too. and I start had to start actually telling the truth of how I was feeling about things and it scared me.
So I would quit and I would find a new therapist. Now I've been consistently with the same therapist for a while now. And it's been so healing for me, just being able to talk to someone that doesn't know all the nitty gritty that doesn't even know. The people that I'm talking about, you know, they don't know my siblings, they don't know my parents.
So I can really say what is truly on my mind without feeling like I'm venting to a friend, you know, mm-hmm , I think I did try to talk to some of my friends about it and it just wasn't healthy. And I would try to talk to the person I was dating at that time. And it just wasn't healthy because. I would unload all of this stuff and burden them with all this stuff.
When they knew my parents, they knew my family members and it kind of tainted their relationship with my own family, which that's, I don't want that either. So a third party, unbiased person to talk to has been the best thing. And then the other thing is just. Taking time to do the things that I know I enjoy.
For example, I do enjoy painting. I can't say that I'm any good at it, but it's something that I enjoy to do for myself as kind of a therapeutic thing. Sure. So I've kind of made myself a promise that, okay, I will spend one day a week painting or drawing or writing. And those are things that I really enjoy doing.
And it's helped me kind of release some of those built up emotions that. Maybe I haven't talked to someone about yet. So, and then I'm a big runner too. So running has been very therapeutic whenever I feel angry or feeling like, like emotions are building up. Running has been a great thing for me because you can, I can just go on a run and not have to think about it.
And then I kind of forget about it for the day, you know? Totally. And I was able to kind of release it all on that run. So those are just some things that I have learned about myself through the process that I know have helped me a lot. And I hope, and I encourage anyone listening right now to. Do those things as well, just find something that you enjoy and do it once a week.
And then also find someone to talk to. That's not in your friend's circle, not in your family, someone that's external that doesn't know the full story. So good. I love that advice. And I have seen that helpful in my own life too, because I, I think sometimes what happens with me is, um, actually I'm going through a hard time.
Something's happening maybe with my family or some other area of life. And. Maybe I'm down or anxious about it, or just afraid whatever emotion I'm going through, whether it be anger or another. And I think I just start to neglect myself. And then also, I almost forget what it's like to do things that I love.
And then all of a sudden, after maybe like a couple weeks, I'll do something that I love. And I'll. Wow. Like, this is amazing. Like, I feel great. Like, this is so fun to play this sport. Like I love volleyball, for example, you know, at times I go weeks without playing volleyball and then all of a sudden I play volleyball.
I'm like, I need to do this more often. And then I, you know, don't do that. And it's no, it's such good advice. And, uh, it's so simple too. But like you said, with counseling, you might know that you need to do it, but it's a totally different thing to. Do it and stay with it because like you said, sometimes maybe, um, in terms of counseling, at least the emotions can be too intense.
So I admire you for pushing through that and getting to the point that you are. It is not easy. So seriously, I admire you a lot for that. Thank you. I will also say I've also learned how to set boundaries. I. Started realizing every time I would go home, the anger would come back. And I, not that I didn't wanna see my family, but I've come to learn that there are times that it's really hard for me to go back to my childhood home.
Like, like we mentioned earlier, or totally, it's really hard for me to celebrate Christmas, cuz it just doesn't feel the same when the whole, whole family's not together. And so those things like really started to affect me. I would get really angry after going home for a weekend or celebrating a holiday.
And I still visit my family, but I've learned, okay. When I visit Colorado, I'm gonna stay with a friend as opposed to staying at my childhood home mm-hmm and kind of creating that boundary and that balance to recognize, okay. Staying in my childhood home has not been healthy for me at this point. So. I'm gonna say with a friend so that I can enjoy my Christmas so I can enjoy my weekend with my family and catching up with my siblings and my parents, and then having a place to go afterwards.
So I can just kind of process and kind of take the time that I need to kind of rejuvenate after that. So, totally has another piece of advice that I would definitely tell anybody that. Find a different place to stay when you're visiting your family. If it's hard for you to go back home. And experience those emotions all over again.
That's so good. Yeah. You need that space to, like you were saying decompress and another trend I've noticed in my own life. And a lot of the people that we work with through sword is that when we're in those scenarios, being at home, we tend to just neglect our basic needs. Like we don't sleep as much, or we just don't.
How we should, or like you said, exercise and do all those basic things that we should be doing to take care of ourselves, but for one reason or another, we just tend to neglect our needs. So I think if you create that physical space, like you're saying, you're probably more likely to get better sleep to, you know, maybe get a workout in, eat a little bit of healthier.
Um, so I think, I think that's really wise. I wanted to circle back to the affair. Yes. So that is such a huge. Thing in your life, not just, you know, between your mom and your dad, how specifically did that affect you then? And even now? Yeah, I mean, it definitely, obviously the OB most obvious thing is that it definitely broke my trust and understanding of what true marriage is.
It didn't make sense to me that, you know, 26 years ago, my parents stood on the altar. Said their vows made all these promises to each other and then they didn't keep it. I still am confused by that. It makes me weary of marriage. It makes me kind of scared of marriage around the time that my parents were getting divorced.
I was also going through a breakup with an ex-fiance. And he was cheating on me too. So that combined with my parents, you know, that my parents scandal and all of that, it was, it made me question relationships a lot. And I just didn't really trust anybody moving forward. So after my parents got divorced and I started dating again, I just, just didn't really ever open myself up to anyone because I didn't want to get to the point.
Of, you know, essentially falling in love again and then down the road being cheated on because I, in my head, I thought just everybody cheated , you know? Yeah. I just thought that it was normal behavior because that's what had been shown to me essentially since I was 13 years old. And. Even still now I'm in a very stable, healthy relationship.
We've been dating for two years, even now. I still am like afraid that I'm gonna find out that he cheated on me, even though he has never indicated that he is not that type of person at all. He's the most loyal person I've ever met, but it's still just kind of like a question in the back of my head, like, oh my gosh, what if this happens again?
What if this is truly the behavior of everybody in this world? and I think too, I just don't really trust my mom very much with a lot. Like I just don't really tell her much. So it does affect my relationship with my mom, just honestly, it, it definitely makes me weary about sharing details about my own life and personal details about my own life with her.
Because one of the things that kind of happened when we discovered that my mom had an affair again. My sister, one of my sisters, she had later on shared with us that she knew that my mom. Had been cheating on my dad for however long she was, but that my mom had convinced her to not say anything. And so knowing that really affected me too, because it just seemed like we were kind of taught and raised to lie.
Like we were taught that it's okay to lie. And I know that rationally, it's not okay to lie. So I'm also afraid that, oh my gosh, what if I become like my mom? You know, I'm always afraid of being like my parents and I, I know myself well enough to know that I would never cheat on my significant other, or I would never cheat on someone or lie to someone mm-hmm , but it's still in the back of my head.
Like what if I become like that? Because that's kind of the home that I was raised in. Totally. No, and I have so many of those same fears too, and kind of in the back of my head, even though I know my wife is, you know, a good woman and she's faithful and everything like that, I ask a lot of those same questions even now, you know, years into marriage.
And it's something that has gotten much better with time. It's not like I'm walking around constantly thinking like, oh, she must be cheating on me or she's gonna just up and leave. But it does, it scars you on such a deep level that it's hard to maybe ever. I don't wanna say ever, but maybe ever get that totally outta your system.
Mm-hmm and I, I think we can progress to such a point where it's not a major concern or maybe even it isn't even a concern at all, but man, you can't undo that. You just can't undo that. And I totally get that. That would be in the back of your mind, even though the guy you're with is a great guy. Yeah. And you are a good woman and you wouldn't do that, but there's that fear.
I know that I feel. And so many people like us feel of repeating. What we saw our parents do. Mm-hmm and, uh, it can be very debilitating. It can be, it can be very much so I wanna, uh, switch over to relationships. You've already talked quite a bit about that, but I am curious, uh, in what other ways that maybe we haven't discussed yet, have you seen your relationship broken marriage?
You know, eventually their divorce affect your own dating relationships. Yeah. So I kind of touched on it a little bit, but after I, after my parents got divorced and I started dating again, it just definitely made me never really enter fully into a relationship. So with that being said, like, I definitely, um, struggled with my modesty and my purity because.
I was, I think I was trying to fill whatever wounds my parents had caused, but then the next easy step was just to leave after that, you know? And I think also it definitely makes me question if I ever truly, truly, truly wanna get married, I do wanna get married. I know that, but I think it makes, I am afraid of marriage.
And so. In any relationship that I had that was longer than, you know, six months marriage always came up as like a topic of conversation. And it just always made me very anxious. I, I had so much anxiety about that topic and it really took. A long time for me to kind of get over that anxiety in my new, in my current relationship, not new, we've been dating for two years, but, but then on the same hand, like token on this other hand, I wanted to get married so bad because I didn't want the person to leave.
Mm-hmm . So on one hand I was terrified of it because I didn't wanna repeat my parents' mistake, but I also put the pressure on to whoever I was dating that we needed to get married because we need to. Solidify this we can't, you know, you can't leave. Those are just two really extreme, unhealthy ways of thinking and, and dealing with a relationship.
I think I just kind of allowed myself to be used a lot by men, unfortunately, because I just didn't really see a lot of value in myself because of the same phrase, like, oh, I'm just a product of divorce, you know? Like I'm worth nothing else because I'm a product of divorce. There's clearly something wrong with me.
And that affected so many of my relationships, my current boyfriend, I mean, probably for the entire first year of us dating, he was so patient with me and he was so patient with my insecurities because. Day after day, he had to like, try to convince me that I was worth more mm-hmm and that's a really sad reality, but it's also really beautiful that he was so patient with me and stayed with me through all of that.
Until I could start believing it for myself. Mm-hmm , that's beautiful. I think even though it was really hard to get to that point, something really beautiful did come of it. You know, not all people are that patient and they probably get really sick of people being insecure and not having a lot of confidence, but he was very patient and he was very.
Encouraging. And he did give me a lot of, like, he basically gave me a confidence boost because of how well he treats me and how, how much he just cherishes me. And I have never really found that because I was just kind of throwing myself at these guys that I would be UN dating apps. Totally. I wasn't respecting myself in those relationships.
Then I met my current boyfriend and I slowly started to respect myself because he respected me. I think that's suddenly how it affected my, my relationships. And, and then also just like how I've grown from that. Sure. As well. No, that's amazing. And I think it's a good lesson to anyone listening who maybe doesn't come from a broken home, but they're dating someone from a broken home or maybe they're married to someone from a broken home.
It does require a lot of patience. Like I know same thing with my wife. She, you know, just had to go slower with me. I wasn't as quick to trust as some people are. And it was, yeah, I. Was afraid, really afraid and dealt with, like you said, crippling anxiety, um, at times about this whole topic of marriage and just so much fear of repeating what I saw in my parents' marriage.
Just not wanting that. And like you said, kind of going between those two extremes on, on one hand, just wanting to run the other way when it came to marriage. And on the other hand, um, honestly I struggled. Idealizing marriage just making it into completely the opposite of what I saw in my family and wanting that for myself to a point where it got like unrealistic.
It's like, no, that's not what it's meant to be. That's not real. That's not human. That's something else. It's some ideal that just doesn't exist in this world. And so I. I, uh, dealt with that too. And so I think it's good for people who don't come from our backgrounds to really listen to what you're saying here and understand that, okay.
Like there's not something wrong in the sense that this person you're dating has just like the only one in the world who feels this way. And it experiences these emotional problems and these fears and all that. No, it's actually pretty typical for people like us. And it does require a lot of virtue, a lot of patience, like you said, but your continued love, of course, assuming this is what, where you're meant to be, um, is incredibly healing.
That there's so much beauty to that. Obviously it's not supposed to be the primary source of our healing, but it it's such a huge part of it. and, and it has been in, in my marriage too. And I'm so happy to hear that you, um, you, you have a boyfriend like you do, it's, it's really, really beautiful going back to coping.
So you mentioned some, you know, the unhealthy ways that you had coped. Was there anything else you wanted to add on that front? Yeah, I mean, I definitely also coped with alcohol alcohol, a very big coping mechanism for me. When I lived in Denver still, I lived with a few of my close friends and we would throw parties at my house all the time.
And they, I mean, we were in the young adult Catholic community, so it was always other Catholics. You know, we would throw a Halloween party or a Mardi girl party, but I really used those social events to drink a lot. And it was because I just could not deal with the anxiety. And the anger and the sadness that I felt over my family.
So alcohol was kind of like my escape for a long time until I moved to Kansas city. When I moved to Kansas city, I only had one other friend here. And so my drinking kind of just stopped because, well, there was no one to drink with, I wasn't throwing parties anymore. Yeah. And I actually had to feel the emotions that I had been holding onto for so long and covering up with alcohol and.
You know, I had a few slipups here and there, but I also realized that, okay, you know, the history of my family, my mom had a DUI. I don't think that she was ever technically an alcoholic. Maybe she was like a closet alcoholic, but just the fact that she got a DUI shows that. This might be something that I struggle with.
Maybe I need to take a step back and not drink for a while. So I had committed to. A year of sobriety. Um, actually just a few months ago, like back in July, I was like, okay, I'm gonna commit to a year of sobriety. And God is really funny because a week after I made that commitment, I found out that I was pregnant.
So , you know, I just think it's really funny the way in which God is like giving me grace, because I don't know if I could have done a year of sobriety, but now I have to, because you know, I'm carrying a child and I. Not drinking alcohol for the past few months has been just so eye opening. Like I'm actually sticking with therapy for the first time in, in my entire life.
I'm actually able to express my emotions in a healthy way and then cope with them in a healthy way, instead of just being like, okay, like it's Friday night, like let's go out and drink. And not that alcohol is bad. But totally. Yeah, for me, it was definitely a coping mechanism instead of stopping at one or two drinks, I would drink three, four or five, you know, and, and that was just really unhealthy for me.
And it was my way of just numbing myself. So I couldn't feel. The confusion and the anxiety that my family's situation made me feel totally. And I think it's just, it's so common on so many fronts in our culture for people, our age to, you know, just go out and have fun and. Drink and get drunk and all that.
So it's, you're, you're definitely doing something, um, so good for yourself and I just commend you for it. It's it's amazing. And I think so many of us have different ways of coping. Like for one person, it might be alcohol for another person. It might be porn for another person might be cutting it. There's just so many different, uh, different things that we fall into that just aren't, you know, good for us at.
Some of the things that are done in excess other things that maybe should just never be done, but that's amazing. And I wish you luck in I'm sure. I know you're gonna do great. Thank you with, uh, with getting through that. That is not an easy thing. What, uh, what you mentioned counseling, you mentioned running, you mentioned a few other.
Things that you've done, like painting to help you cope and heal. Uh, was there anything else that's been really instrumental in your own healing process? Yeah, actually moving to Kansas city was really instrumental. I had kind of discerned and prayed about moving to Kansas city for probably about six months before I actually committed to moving here.
And one of my fears about moving was, well, I grew up in Denver. My entire family is in Denver. I need to be. Near my family in case something happens, but it wasn't until my sister, she lived in Ireland for a year and I went to go visit her when she was over in Ireland. And I was just kind of telling her, I was like, I'm just like not happy in Denver.
I feel so much anxiety living there. I feel so much pressure that I have to like be the sibling that takes care of my younger siblings. And I just feel like I haven't had any time to like really. Figure out how I'm feeling and how I'm dealing with the divorce. And I was telling my sister all of this and she's just listening.
She's like, Ashlyn, why don't you just move? And at first I was like, no, no, no. Like I can't do that. I can't move. And she was like, Ashlyn. I moved across the world, you know, and it's been so totally healing for me and not to say that you should run away from your problems, but there is something to be said about creating your own independent life.
And I had not been able to do that since my parents got divorced. You know, I had been thrown into this parental role. I had been thrown into just making sure that all my siblings were okay and making sure that nothing else in my family broke. I think ultimately my sister was like, you should just do it.
Like this is gonna help you. You're not running away from your problems. Your siblings are still gonna be there. You can still be a support system for your siblings, but you need to be your own support system for a little bit. Six months later, I moved to Kansas city and I just didn't even realize how healing that would be because now I can really, truly.
Have that distance that I needed. Mm-hmm to be able to process everything that had gone on the last few years, cuz I had like no time to process it until I moved two years ago. And I think it's been just been so instrumental because I don't think that if I had ever moved, I don't think I would have gone to therapy as long as I have.
I don't think I would've been honest about my feelings. And then also another thing that I'll mention is. Through moving to Kansas city and knowing how to like name my emotions and name my struggles and name my wounds by, by name, you know, identifying my wounds. That's helped me in my current relationship because now I'm able to be honest about this is really bothering me.
Mm, in my relationship, like, I can be honest with him about, you know, this isn't sitting right with me and we need to talk about it. Right. Whereas two years ago I could have never done that. Cuz I was not able to talk about my own. Feelings or anything. And I think moving to Kansas city really was a launching path for me to be able to truly open up my heart, to healing and opening up my heart to honesty and being honest with myself, cuz I don't think I was being honest with my myself and.
You know, it's not to blame Denver or to blame my family, but, you know, sure. I had kind of taken this role upon myself while I was living in Denver. I needed to be like the one that protected my family. And that's just the furthest from the truth. I never needed to do that. And I think moving to Kansas city kind of proved that because I learned that I can be independent while also still supporting my siblings.
Um, I can be an independent person that expresses their emotions in a healthy way without having to shove them away and not express them. So mm-hmm, moving to Kansas city has just been such a saving grace for me. So good. And I think there's an important lesson in what you just said about moving away.
Don't feel guilty guys. Like if you need to do that for a time again, I think Ashlyn's wise to balance that advice by saying you don't wanna just do it to run away from your problems, but you might need some space and that's okay. You don't need to feel guilty about it. You can do that and you can so love your family from afar.
Um, in different ways and that's exactly what you're trying to do, Ashland. I know that's what I'm trying to do, cuz my family is from the Chicagoland area and, and I don't live out there. And part of the reason I moved away too, was because it was a lot to handle. And the thing I felt most guilty about, I think was, uh, my siblings like feeling like I was just abandoning them.
But what I've realized over the years is that me pursuing. What I'm called to do in life, both in work and in my, you know, marriage now, it was really, um, good. Not only for me, but for my siblings too, for to model, hopefully for them, not that my wife and I have a perfect marriage, we have our struggles for sure.
But to some model for them like, Hey, you can have this too. Like, you don't need to be afraid of it. You can have it too. And it can be really good and it can be really beautiful. And I, I think in the long run, looking at kind of the long game, um, Doing, what I did was really good and healthy. Not only for me, but also for, for all of them as well.
And again, it's not like you're just walking away guys and never talking to your family. Again. Certainly there are situations where you need to take a break from talking to maybe one or both parents, or even relatives, perhaps even siblings too, but take the time and the space you need. Again, you're gonna become a healthier, more whole person so that in the future, you can be better at loving them setting boundaries and doing all those things that we need to do to navigate this really messy reality in our lives.
So such a good lesson Ashlyn, and I, I wanted to ask you too. Now that you've been working through a lot of this, I'm sure you would say that you're still work in progress and I am too. But how, how's your life different now that you've been through doing therapy and doing all those things that you mentioned?
Yeah, I think my, my life is just so much more stable, I think. Um, now that I'm not spending every weekend drinking and partying and. You know, coping with my emotions in an unhealthy way. And then also, because I've had kind of like that time and space away from my parents, I have been able to form better relationship with my parents for a while.
I didn't even talk to my mom. I didn't want anything to do with her. Um, and then like after a little bit, I didn't even talk to my dad for a while. And now I, I do think that my relationships with both my, my parents, they both improved. And I, I don't think that that would've ever happened if I had never taken the steps to enter into therapy and just learn how to set boundaries.
And my life is just so much more peaceful. I think too, you know, I, I'm not having to kind. Fight with my parents out of protection for my siblings and mm-hmm , um, I think that's just really powerful. It's just a really, my life is just so much more peaceful. And I wouldn't say that it's happier. I mean, there are difficult times still, and I still struggle with my parents divorce as I'm sure I will for the rest of my life, but I've, I've also grown to kind of appreciate my family in a different way.
My both my parents are remarried or my mom's getting remarried in November, so, okay. I've, I've been able to like, kind of welcome new members to my family, you know, my step parents and I don't call them my step parents, but that's what they are, you know, but I've been able to like welcome these people into my life and.
Kind of opened my heart to new people, even though I may not agree with it. I may not agree that my parents got divorced and I will always wish that my parents were still married, but I also recognize, okay, if this is making my, my dad happy or is this person's making my mom happy, then I'm gonna be happy for them.
And I will do everything I can to still have a relationship with my parents for a while. I thought I was gonna completely cut my parents out of my life. . But I also realized that that wasn't healthy either. Like that's not what I desired either. And I do understand that some people have to do that with their family members or what have you.
But I know that my parents still love me and they will still do anything and everything for me. if I needed it. So I was just never willing to completely cut them out of my life. Mm-hmm so I, I made it a goal of mine to just have a more peaceful relationship with them. And it has, it has been like that because I've been able to set the boundaries that I need to set.
I've been able to tell them when they cross a boundary mm-hmm and now we just have a more adult respectful relationship. Where I respect them, they respect me and we are able to just kind of live our own lives and then come together when it's a holiday and celebrate that holiday in peace. Instead of talking about the divorce or talking like angry at each other, or, you know, stuff like that.
All the things I, I get you. Yeah. That's beautiful. You've come a long way and I'm sure there's even more ahead for you. Um, if you stay on this path of healing really, really beautiful. Uh, I did wanna ask you, you've been a member of resorts community for the longest time. I'm just curious. Uh, what's been most helpful, um, for you that, that we've done, that we've produced that we've provided.
Yeah, absolutely. I. Hearing all the stories that you guys have shared on the podcast and then reading all the stories from the blog, and then I've actually gotten connected and made friendships with a few of the other members. It it's just helped me realize that I'm not alone and that, you know, my story is not that abnormal.
It's not that different than a lot. And I, because I think at the time when my parents got divorced, I thought, my gosh, my family must be the only family that. Is this messy, you know, you kind of feel like you're the only one. Totally. That's not true. Like the reality is, is this is a very sad reality for a lot of families.
And so to know that my story can be shared with other people and they are also sharing their story with me just has helped me heal tremendously. It also has provided kind of like a sounding board for my, for myself, like. Saying, am I crazy to feel this way? And someone saying no, that that's a product of, you know, that's the consequences of being a victim from a divorce.
Like we are victims and recognizing that we are not at fault and that this was something that was done to us has just been so powerful in my own life. And. Allowing myself to say, yeah, I'm struggling with this. What do you guys think that is just tremendously helpful for me to be able to have my feelings acknowledged by, by this community.
I mean, it really has become a community for me, a very. Healing community for me. And I just really appreciate how everything that I share through from my own experiences, that's just acknowledged and accepted. And then I'm given encouragement to keep moving forward. Amazing. Thanks for sharing that I don't mean to too around horn.
I just did wanna know kind of what's been helpful and what maybe hasn't been, but so good. And we'll link to, uh, some of the articles that, um, Ashlyn has written. So you guys can check those out. You're, uh, a good writer Ashlyn. And I remember the latest article that you shared, just talking about your story, um, was really powerful and beautiful, and that actually led to this interview.
So thank you for, for coming on. Thank you for being here. If people wanna connect with you, if they wanna talk with you, what's the best way to. Yeah. Um, just find me on Facebook. My name is Ashlyn Frederick, or you can, I mean, if you're in the restored group on Facebook, you can find me through that and just Facebook message me.
I'm also on Instagram, but I honestly don't know my Instagram handle. No worries. So, let me look it up really quick. Oh, it's Ashland underscore Kayla and Kayla is spelled K a I L a H. So you can definitely find me on Instagram as well, or just email Joey and he can get us connected as well. Yeah. Sounds great.
Happy to do that. And, um, yeah, we'll throw all that in the show notes for you guys, so you can contact Ashton if you'd like to, and there's a good incentive to, uh, join the ReSTOR community. You can talk. Ashley connect with, uh, the other people there, cuz there's, we're met over 50 people at this point. Um, and we're constantly we're, we're not constantly, I should say we're recently trying to find better ways to make the community even more valuable.
So lots of cool things coming, uh, in an upcoming months and year. Uh, so Ashton, thank you so much for being here. I wanna give you the last word. Um, you're, you're very wise. You have a lot of good things to say very articulate. So I'm really glad that, uh, you're able to join us and share, um, your story and your advice with our audience.
But I do wanna give you the last word. And so the question is this, uh, what words of encouragement would you give to someone who is listening right now feels really just broken and they feel stuck in life because of their parents' broken marriage, their divorce separation. What advice would you give.
Yeah, first and foremost, I will just say that you're not alone and that it's, it's okay to feel the way that you're feeling and you should acknowledge those feelings and allow yourself to feel those, but don't dwell in them for too long. I will also say that it does get better. Give yourself grace, be patient with yourself.
Allow yourself to explore healthy ways of healing that work for you, whether that's going for a run or going to therapy, I would encourage everyone. That's been through something like this to go through therapy, even if it's just for a few months, therapy is just something that's. Kind of taboo in our society, but it has really truly been the most helpful thing for me.
So I would just encourage you and anyone who's gone through this to just try to explore it and give it some time, um, to work, but also just know that there is a community for you in restored and that any member would be willing to talk to you. If you just need someone to vent, to, or ask questions to.
Find find a community like that. What maybe it's not restored, but I hope it is. But if it just find a community where you can truly talk about these things, cuz I think sharing your story is so important for healing and it's helped me with my own healing journey and I encourage you to just share your own story.
Because it will help aid in your healing.
If you wanna email Ashlyn, her email is in the show notes, or you can hit her up on social. Again, all those links are in the show notes. A question for you to think about when you're hurting, how do you deal with it? Give that some thought, try to identify the ways that you deal with your pain, that you deal with your problems.
You might be surprised most of us, I think, think that we know how we deal with our pain. We know how we deal with our problems, but if you actually kind of study it, you'll realize that there might be some unhealthy things going on. So first, just try to recognize that. And then you can make a plan to deal with them and to cope healthy ways instead of unhealthy ways.
So again, when you're hurting, How do you deal with it? If you wanna join ReSTORs online community, you can do that in three easy steps. Just go to ReSTOR ministry.com/community. Again, ReSTOR ministry.com/community. You'll just fill out a form and then we'll add you to the group. And some of the benefits to joining is you'll have a safe place to speak.
Openly about the pain and struggles that you face. And this is with people who get you, who come from broken homes as well, young people who come from broken homes, it will help you not feel so alone and will also challenge you to grow into a better, stronger person. Again, if you wanna join our online community, just go to ReSTOR ministry.com/community.
If you wanna share your story with restored, we'd love. To read it. And what we'll do is we'll turn it into an anonymous blog article, but some of the benefits first reflecting on your story is actually healing on a neurobiologic level. It makes you healthier, makes your brain healthier. Writing your story specifically is also healing.
There's been studies that have shown that people who write about emotionally significant events. In their lives are less depressed. They're less anxious, they're healthier and they're happier and so much more. And if you share your story with someone who is able to receive it, empathetically, it's actually healing as well on a neuro biological level.
And then also it gives guidance and hope to people like you, who come from a similar background who are maybe struggling as well. And so again, if you wanna share your story, just go to restored ministry.com/story restored ministry. Dot com slash story. There's a form there. That's gonna guide you in telling a short version of your story.
It takes a little bit of time to do, but not much at all. And then we'll turn that story into an anonymous blog article and we'll share with our audience. So share your story now. Restored ministry.com/story. The resources mentioned during the show notes ever stored ministry.com/ 55. Thank you so much for listening.
If this has been useful, feel free to subscribe. And if you know someone who's struggling from their parents' separation divorce, or even their broken marriage, share this podcast with them, I know it's gonna be helpful. And always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
