#054: How to Stop Damaging Yourself with Your Words | Chris Stefanick
If you spoke to your friends the way you spoke to yourself, would those relationships become abusive? The words you tell yourself are often filled with lies, but you might not even realize it.
But those lies become your identity, which then dictates the quality and happiness of your life. Thankfully, our guest today can help you beat the lies and discover your real identity. In this episode, we discuss:
Why it is so important to uncover the lies you believe about yourself
How it’s simple yet difficult to replace those lies with the truth
Two tactics and resources you can use today to change the way you talk to yourself and renew your identity
Buy Chris’s book: I AM: Rewrite Your Name—Reroute Your Life
Buy Joey’s book: It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain & Problems from Your Parents’ Divorce
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
I have a question for you. If you spoke to your friends, the way that you talk to yourself, what would happen? Would you even have any friends for so many of us, those relationships would quickly turn abusive, but the problem is most of us don't even realize how badly we talk to ourselves. The subconscious second nature.
The words we say inside our heads are often filled with lies that we're not even aware of, but those lies told and believed long enough become our identity, which then dictates the quality direction and happiness of our lives. Does that sound important? It absolutely is. Thankfully my guest today can help you discover the lies.
You tell yourself and find your real identity. And don't worry, we're not talking about some phony self-help strategy with no substance. This stuff is actually helpful. You're gonna get a lot out of this episode, like learning why it's so important to uncover the lies you believe about yourself, how it's simple yet.
Difficult to replace those lives with the truth. And you're gonna get two tactics and two resources that you can use today to change the way you talk to yourself and discover your true identity. This is a very relevant topic for those of us who come from broken families. So keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce. Separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host joy. Elli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 54 before I introduce my guests. I'm so excited to share with you guys that the book I've written for you is now live on Amazon.
You can buy it there, but first, a little background on the book. The sad truth is that most teenagers and young adults from broken families are traumatized by their parents' divorce or separation, but nobody gives them the guidance. They need to navigate the pain and problems. And without that guidance, they continue to struggle in serious ways with emotional problems, unhealthy coping relationship struggles, and much more.
And I experienced this stuff firsthand. I experienced this exact problem growing up and it really shouldn't be this way. My new book is an answer to that problem. The title is it's not your fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce. And it features 33 questions and answers on the most pressing challenges.
By young people like us from broken families in the book. I answer questions like I struggle with low self-esteem. How can I become more confident after my family broke apart, I felt abandoned, unwanted, inadequate, and even rejected as something wrong with me. Self-harm is my way of coping. How do I stop?
How do I avoid repeating my parents' mistakes and build a healthy marriage? I feel broken. Like something's wrong with me? How can I heal and feel whole again, what can I do to heal my relationship with my parents? Why does God let bad things like my parents to force happen? And if you read the book and you implement the advice in your life, you're gonna see a lot of benefits such as you're gonna learn how to cope with your pain in healthy ways.
Instead of unhealthy ways, you'll become a better, stronger, more virtuous person. You'll learn how to overcome emotional problems. You'll be given tactics to build healthy. Relationships, you're gonna find evidence based strategies that you can use to heal. You'll learn how to navigate your relationship with your parents.
You'll improve your relationship with God. You'll make better decisions that build a better future for yourself. And most importantly, you'll be given tools and resources to get the help that you need. And guys. This is not theory. This is practical down to earth. Common sense advice. That's based on research, expert, advice and stories that we've heard from people like you, people who come from broken families.
And this book is specifically written for anyone who comes from a broken home, especially teenagers and young adults whose parents are divorced, separated, or really struggling in their marriage. And if that's not you, you probably love or lead someone who comes from a broken family. Maybe that's your kids, a cousin, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, perhaps you lead them as a pastor youth minister.
Teacher, coach, whatever this book makes an awesome gift, it really gives them guidance or gives you deeper insight into what they're struggling with. So you can help them. You can buy the book on Amazon right now. Just click the link in the show notes, or you can search. It's not your fault on Amazon. Plus if you order the paper back in September, 2021, you'll get the ebook in audiobook for free.
And to claim those free bonuses, just go to restored ministry.com/books. Again, restored. Dot com slash books, click on the September bonus button, fill out that form and then we'll email you the free ebook and audiobook. If you're not ready to buy, you can get the first chapters free. It's really easy. Just go to ReSTOR ministry.com/books.
Click on the button to get the free chapters. Fill out your name, your email, and then we'll send you the free chapters again. Restored ministry.com. Books. I'm so excited to share this book with you. We've been working on it for a long time and the feedback we've gotten so far has been really solid. So I know it's gonna be helpful for you.
A good tool, good resource to help you navigate the pain and problems from your parents' divorce. Again, you could get the free chapters that restored ministry.com/books or buy the book on Amazon today. My guest today is Chris. Chris is an internationally acclaimed author, speaker and television host, who has devoted his life to inspiring people to live a bold contagious faith Chris's live seminars, reach more than 85,000 people per year.
His reality TV shows videos. And radio spots reach millions of people and his educational initiatives are turning the tide in the Catholic church. He authored the chosen confirmation program, which has already formed more than 500,000 teens. Chris is actually a graduate of the same university that I went to Franciscan university of Stoneville.
He's also the founder and president of real life Catholic and nonprofit, which operates as the headquarters for Chris's various initiative. Above all. Chris is proud to be the husband to his wife, Natalie father, to their six children and grandfather to his granddaughter. Don't wanna make you wait any longer.
Here's my conversation with Chris Stephanic
Chris. Thanks so much for making time to be here with us today. May it's an honor. Thank you for having me. I think this is such a relevant topic for people, especially who come from broken families. And in the book you say that there's a war of words happening in your mind. The outcome of that war.
Determines your destiny. That's a bold statement. What do you mean by that? Uh, the, uh, the devil's real victory in our life. We, we think it's maybe a sin we committed for some, uh, wound we're suffering from, or, or, or something hard we've been through. No, I, I don't. The real victory is when we experience a, a difficulty or commit a sin and then label our.
Based on that, because then we continue to live out of that identity for the rest of our lives. You know, the, the way we speak to ourselves and the way we talk to ourselves and label ourselves shapes how we feel, which shapes how we act, which shapes how our entire life pens out. So really the, so many of the, the spiritual battles we face.
So many of the personal battles with getting to the next level. In relationships in career in happiness. So many of it comes back to when you dig deep enough, how you see. How you talk to yourself, it's that war, that fundamental war of words that determines really the outcome of your life. Mm-hmm uh, and, and a brother.
We, we, we really, we really can't get it wrong. We can't keep getting it wrong, you know, and I'm so tired of seeing people get it wrong. And you could tell there's times where I'm getting it. When people are walking through life, looking like they got the crap beat out of them. When they look tired and heavy.
It's so often because we're beating ourselves up on the inside and God's word tells us who we are. I mean, if you're a child of God, if you believe the things in the Bible, you actually believe the maker, you believe you're you're, you're crazy enough to believe that this universe didn't come from nothing.
That there's a. And that he loves you. If you're a Bible believing Christian, that that's the really crazy, amazing, beautiful part that makes life beautiful. And, and then he would die for you. If, if you just believe that as a matter of faith and leave it at church and don't let it inform the dialogue happening inside your head, you're not really experiencing a redeemed life.
And I'm just so tired of seeing the people of God look so tired we should look different. Absolutely. I think a lot of the people that we work with that restored often just feel so hopeless. And I think this ties into that. So well, I'm curious, what are some of the most common things that people say to themselves that distort their identity?
So I, I, I wrote a book about this called I am, and I have a program, a 33 day challenge program called I am. And the, the book goes through various wrong identities and, uh, replaces the, the lives, tell ourselves with God's work. And the, uh, the, the program is a little more focused in, in a straightforward journey.
And, uh, it's man, I'll tell you there's it, it could be any number of lies. I mean, I, I, I kind of pinpoint a couple key ones just to help people form the habit of becoming aware of what's going on inside so they could pinpoint their particular lie. But I, but I really think that whatever God is calling you to, however, he's calling you to glorify him, to magnify him forever.
The evil one sees that, and he tries to help you come up with a name for yourself that directly opposes. It's a matter of finding out what lie you're telling yourself, finding the opposing truth, and then engaging your will in the process, learning to start renouncing that lie and claiming the truth. And I, I think of Peter, it was one of my favorite scripture stories about this.
Here's Peter called to be the chief of the apostles that the first Pope of, if you're Catholic, you believe he's called be the first Pope. If you're not even a believer, you clearly think this guy's called to be a great leader. First time he encounters Jesus, he says, get away from me. I'm a sinful. So he named himself, he named himself sinful man.
He told Jesus his name and he, he did this in a moment where he could see that he was being singled out and called. He'd get away from me, Lord. I'm a simple, you got the wrong guys. What he was saying. I don't measure up. There was a lot packed into that statement and his name was Simon at the time and Jesus changed his name and he changed his name in a place called Caesar Philippi, where there's this humongous rock overshadowing, this town.
And I've been there. It's, it's, it's a mind blowing place and it's not part of the, it was not part of the Jewish community. It was a pagan. It was on the board of Lebanon. So there was no reason for them to even go here and it probably took a day and a half just to walk there. Jesus took a lot of time thinking about this location.
yeah. And, and, and went way out of the way it was, it was the opposite direction from Jerusalem to Galilee way outta the way, just to get this image in Peter's head. Peter you named yourself, you name yourself sinful, man. I have a new name for you, right in front of that massive rock named him, Peter, which means rock.
And why, why would he do that? Why would he go through the trouble? Because he was gonna make him the chief of the church in the early church, the, the, the fir the first folk. He wanted his identity to form how he led, how he acted, how he felt. He knew that everything hinges first and foremost on how Peter saw himself.
And he wanted that. To stick in his brain. Every time someone said his name, every single. You massive rock passing the fish. a little dramatic, right? Right. Yeah. I'm, God's, God's dramatic. Like that love is dramatic. Yeah. So, uh, that's an essential thing, but what, what is it for you? And for me, you know, is God calling you to lead the God that even one wants to convince you you're incapable or you're weak, but there's all, there's certain ways that God is, is calling all of us.
You know, we, all of us are, are, are blessed. I mean, our, our eternal state of being is gonna be eternal blessedness. And the even one wants to convince us that we're forgotten or we're cursed. I mean, all these lies circle around people's heads. That that have nothing to do with what God sees us. And when you disagree with God, the maker of all things about who you are and what you're worth in that equation, you're the one who's wrong.
yeah, absolutely. There's no way you can be right there. I, I think this seems simple on the surface, Chris. But once you start talking about it and think about it, I think it's a little trickier than it seems because so often I think the lies that we tell ourselves become so second nature, they're just subconscious they're there.
And so unless you really take time to go through your IM book or the course or something similar where you're doing some deep reflection on this, it can just pass over your head. I know for myself, one of the things that I catch myself doing often just on a subconscious level again, It's calling myself an idiot.
Like, are you idiot? You know, I do. I make a mistake. I do something wrong. You're you idiot, you idiot. So I think there's a real need to dive into this. It can't just be something that oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I get what you're saying. I shouldn't be mean to myself. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's simple, but simple is not easy.
Right. In fact, it's very difficult to boil things down to the simple again and much of our lives. We're trying to get back to the simple within marriage. We're crying out loud. Oh, Nothing could look simpler. I love this person. She loves me. I wanna give my life to her. She wants to give her life to me.
the amazing thing. Is it actually, is that simple? But it's not easy to keep it, that, that simple and to work through all the crap that comes in the way of keeping it, that simple, that wants to destroy that, that, that beauty, that pure crystal line beauty , but that's, that's the, uh, the same journey as the, I am, you know, there's, there is a simplicity that I, I want to introduce people to, because most people, they, they don't win this battle cuz they don't even know that they're in it.
They don't show up. We're we're passive recipients of the things that go on in our heads is that St. Paul two Corinthians 10, we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. I think that's a call from, from God's word to say, Hey dude, wake up. You know, people start to despair because they, they conclude there.
I, I can't win this battle. This is just how I am. So I'm just gonna sit here in. Just after years and years of telling yourself something, you just start to believe that on such a deep level, that it's really difficult. It can be difficult to change it. It can, uh, it takes a lot of vigilance for me whenever I feel literally punched in the gut.
I, I realize my old lies are coming up and, and I, and sometimes I feel like I'm gutted literally gutted and I, I'm not aware. That where it's coming from. But then I have to say, oh, this is, this is coming from somewhere. This feeling in the gut's coming from some, oh, I'm, I'm buying into the lies that I whispered so quietly to myself.
I don't, I don't even know I'm doing it anymore. Time to, to name it time, to renounce it, time to claim the truth. Again, again, again, until I PR keep practicing. It's like going into the boxing ring man, and keep punching back until it becomes second nature. That's right. That's right. And you start to. And your life starts to take a new shape.
My book's helpful. The program's helpful. Sometimes counseling is helpful to help people unpack more, you know, whatev whatever you need. Just, failure's not an option though. Losing in this. Battle's not an option. Yeah. So true. I think for some of us, if we treated other people, the way that we talked to ourselves, it would be an abusive relationship.
We'd have no friends, so, oh yeah. Yeah. Note, what are one or two tactics that everyone listening right now can use to change the way that they talk to themselves? Obviously the book and the course go into it in much more depth, but what's one or two quick things that people can use right now. Yeah. It really boils down to number one, realize that you are talking to yourself.
You know, we think without thinking about what we're thinking, realize that you are labeling yourself. There is a way you've decided to see yourself as a narrative that you tell yourself about who you are and, and it does. And, and you do have power over. So that's, that's, that's two you that you're not a passive recipient in the, in this story, you have to enter the battle.
Um, so show up for it. , mm-hmm, show up for that battle and, and, uh, it really the, the, all this, both the book and the program, and so much of counseling. Again go if you need it, but I might be able to save you many thousands of dollars.
so much of it really lands on identifying, naming how you're lining yourself. And then engaging your will, not every thought and feeling gets a vote. Not every one of them has power, unless you give it to that thought or feeling. All right. So stop being a victim to what's going on inside your own head show up for that battle.
And then, you know, are you believing that you're weak? You actually can make a difference, but literally out loud. I've renounced the lie that I'm weak. And I send that lie and all the evils associated with it, all the demons associated with it, to the foot of the cross for Jesus to send to hell when they belong.
And I claim the truth that I can, that I'm strong, that I can do all things to Christly strengthens me, that I'm capable. You know, what, what are you, how are you aligning yourself? I maybe I've renounced a lie that I'm dirty. And I claim the truth that I'm pure. I mean, I literally mean you gotta look in the mirror and say it, man.
You know, preaching is not something you, you, you just go to podcasts for. I mean, the reason that the church has a preaching ministry from, at mass on Sunday to podcast or Catholic radio to whatever the heck you consume, it's, it's all useless. If you don't learn to preach to yourself, that's the purpose of all this.
Is to teach you to start preaching yourself, could form your thinking to the word of God. And then you experience what it means to be a free, liberated, happy son or daughter of God, regardless of what's going on in your life. Amazing Chris, uh, about the book and about the program there, uh, the book itself is a 33 day exercise, right?
Is the program similar? Yeah, it is. It's, uh, I think it's 33 days in the program. Uh, the, the book is more, it's more of a circular thing. It it's. The program leads through different phases. That's, it's more of a linear course that lands on, uh, on making the firm commitment. We just talked about the book lands there too, but it's, it's more meditations on various lies.
People tell themselves in truths from the word of God, just, just to get you in the habit of bathing in those beautiful truths on a daily basis. So I I'd love people. Ideally you go through the program and then you get the book and you just keep reading it again. And. Just, just keep practicing, but you know, there's a lot of people who, however, the heck you feel drawn to do this stuff.
Just dive in. Okay. Sounds great. And how could people buy it and how could people follow you? Uh, it's all on real life, catholic.com, both buying that and following us sounds great. We'll throw that in the show notes for you guys, Chris, thank you so much for your time. Just wanna give you the, the final word and about how this can really make someone's life better.
Thank you brother. Oh, and also you could, you could text the word Chris to the number 4, 4 1 4, 4, and you sent up for a newsletter. I I'm just, I I'm honored by the chance to talk about this. This for me, you could probably tell by talking, none of this comes from, um, you know, I I'm, I have it all together.
Let me tell you how to live. A lot of this comes from spiritual battles have been through myself and the liberation I've experienced, uh, by engaging those battles. And I'm really, uh, Oh, I'm just honored to, to, to share this with you. Thanks for letting me in, because I, and I'm so excited of what waits for you.
on the other side of you entering that battle. Everybody needs this, this isn't just for people who are, who feel particularly acutely broken, which sometimes we all do. Right. But then a lot of times we feel like I got it together. No, no. Everybody has a battle when it comes to identity, everybody. And God is calling us the victory and he's allowing us to be a part in that battle.
Cause he wants to make us strong. He wants us to share his joy of victory. He can just win himself.
Chris is the man. I'm really glad you got to listen to that interview and a reflection question for you to think about. What lies do you believe about yourself? What lies do you believe about yourself? For me, some lies I've believed is I can't build love that lasts. I can't get married. I can't be a good husband.
I'm not enough. There's so many more, but those are just a few that I I've really wrestled with. And what about you? Give it some thought. Write it out. Talk it out with a friend. And if you pray, pray about it, bring it to God. Then I recommend picking up Chris's book. I am wherever you buy books, there's a link to Amazon in the show notes where you could buy his book and his program, or course like he mentioned, can be purchased at real life.
catholic.com real life, catholic.com. Once you're on that webpage, just click coaching, and then you can find the, I am. Renew your mind program, you can sign up for yourself or you can gift it. You can sign up for someone else as well. And then finally, you can buy the book that I wrote for you on Amazon. By clicking the link in the show notes or searching, it's not your fault.
A practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce. You can also get the first chapters free restored ministry.com/. Books, just enter your name and your email on there, and we'll send you those first chapters for free. Again, restored ministry.com/books. The resources mentioned are the show notes@restorministry.com slash 54.
Thank you so much for listening. If this has been useful, I invite you to subscribe, but most importantly, if you know someone who's really struggling from the impact of their parents, separation or divorce, share this podcast with them. I know it's gonna be helpful. Always. Remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
