#029: Stories of Impossible Marriages Redeemed | Leila Miller
Struggling spouses often feel like they have two options: Stay married and be miserable or get divorced and be happy. Thankfully, there’s a third option: Healing your marriage.
Leila Miller shares stories of hope from her new book, “Impossible” Marriages Redeemed: They Didn’t End the Story in the Middle. It features 50 stories of broken marriages that have been healed and more.
By listening, here’s what you’ll walk away with:
Common things that breakdown a marriage and common things that heal a marriage
What to do with suffering in your marriage
Extreme cases where separation may be necessary
What’s at stake in a culture where divorce becomes rampant
Resources and practical advice to heal a broken marriage for struggling spouses or anyone who loves or leads them
Plus, enter our random giveaway to win the book! We’re giving away 3 copies. Details at the end of the episode.
Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links above and below, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!
Buy the Book
“Impossible” Marriages Redeemed: They Didn’t End the Story in the Middle
Links & Resources
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
Podcast #002: How 70 Children of Divorce Have Suffered | Leila Miller
Resources for Struggling Marriages
Peer Counseling: MarriageResponders@gmail.com
Books & Research:
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study
Code of Canon Law, 1151-1155: “In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored.”
Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak
Study: 1/3 high conflict divorces, 2/3 low conflict divorces
Follow Leila Miller
Facebook: Leila Miller
Website: LeilaMiller.Net
Enjoy the show?
To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.
TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
We live in a culture where so many marriages are weak, they're broken. And so many of them end in divorce. Everyone knows this. In fact, I bet, you know, a couple or maybe a few couples that are going through a really difficult time in their marriage right now, or maybe they're even getting divorced. And it leaves all of us feeling kind of hopeless about love and marriage, especially if you're a struggling spouse.
If you're someone who's in a really. Difficult or painful marriage right now, but that's also true for people who come from broken homes. Maybe your parents are separated or divorced, or maybe they're just going through a really tough time in their marriage. It can leave us feeling pretty hopeless about love and marriage and kind of the results of all this, where this all leads is that many of us feel like there are only two options for a struggling marriage, stay married and be miserable, or get divorced and be happy.
But thankfully there's a third option and that is healing your marriage, but is that even possible to prove that it is possible today? I speak with Layla Miller who compiled the book of 50 stories of broken marriages that have been redeemed that have been healed. And we're diving into those stories, especially the stories where the marriage seemed the most hopeless, where it was just really, really in bad shape yet.
Thankfully it was redeemed. And by listening this episode, some of the things that we talk about, some of the things you're gonna get out of it, we touch on some of the patterns, some of the, the factors that led to the breakdown of the marriage, and then some other factors that led to the recovery of the marriage.
We also talk about what to do with suffering in marriage. Like what do you do? When marriage gets hard, we talk about this extreme and intense cases where there's abuse, or maybe there's infidelity. That's just continuing on. Talk about what to do in that case and how separation may actually be the right step to eventually hopefully healing your marriage.
We touch on what's at stake in a culture where divorce becomes ramp. And then Layla gives some practical advice and some resources to heal a broken marriage for any struggling spouses out there, or anyone who just loves or leads them. This episode is for three types of people. One it's for anyone who comes from a broken homeless parents are separated or divorced.
So maybe they're just going through a really rough time in their marriage, or they just don't have a good marriage. It's for you. It's to help you believe that love. Can actually last and also there's some practical things that you can do if marriage gets to a point where it's really bad, where it's really painful, it's, it's really a difficult marriage.
It's also for struggling spouses, anyone who finds himself in a difficult marriage right now, again, lots of hope and some practical wisdom for you. And then also for anyone who loves or leads, uh, struggling spouses or people who come from broken homes, young people come from broken homes. There's so much excellent content and it had so much hope.
So much wisdom. I know you're definitely gonna benefit from this. So keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you cope, heal, and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce or separation. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 29 and we're almost at the end of our love and relationship series. The research shows that the biggest effects from our parents' divorce are experience in our romantic relationships.
Why is that? Basically because we don't have a roadmap for love. We've seen a broken model of love and marriage. And so when it's our turn, we feel lost and we struggle in numerous. In our relationships. And so we're bringing you a roadmap, actionable tips and expert advice on, on a find and build authentic love.
Before I introduce my guests, I wanna tell you about some exciting news. We're now accepting questions for the show. That's right. You can submit your questions and we'll answer them on the restored podcast. They'll be answered by me or by my guest. And you can ask anything. Maybe you. Stuck or you're unsure about how to handle the pain or, or the challenges from your parents' breakup.
Maybe you're just unsure of how to begin or continue down the path of healing. Maybe someone you love, or someone you lead is going through their parents' divorce and separation. You need to know. How do I help them? Whatever your question is, we'll give you specific and practical answers right here on the show.
So we'd love to hear from you. Here's how you can submit your question. Just go to restored ministry.com/ask Joey again. That's restored ministry.com ministries, just singular slash ask Joey. Just fill out the quick form there with your question. And then as we're able, we'll answer your question on the show.
I'm really excited about this. We look forward to hearing your questions and answering them on the show. So go ahead and submit your questions today@restoredministry.com slash ask Joey. My guest today, Layla Miller is a speaker and an author of four books, including the book that we're gonna talk about today.
Impossible marriages redeemed. They didn't end the story in the middle. In episode two, you may remember, uh, hearing from Layla, we spoke about. Her book titled primal loss, the now adult children of divorce speak. This is kind of the sequel to it. So to speak, we'll get into that in the show. Lela writes and she speaks about topics like marriage, family, and sexuality.
She's been married to her husband for 30 years. They have eight children and 10 grandchildren. She's a frequent guest on national radio. She's had television appearances and has quite the engage Facebook following as. She is a passionate Catholic Christian. And so naturally she speaks from that perspective.
And if you're not religious, as I frequently say, I just invite you to go into this episode with an open mind. You're gonna get a lot out of it, even if you don't believe in God, uh, or you don't see things the way that Layla sees them. And I have to say some of the stuff we talk about today may make you uncomfortable.
We talk about some really unpopular truths that really need to be talked about. So it may not be easy to hear, but honestly, it's actually helpful. It's hopeful and it's even freeing, especially for struggling spouses for struggling marriages. So give this a listen through you will not regret it. Here's my interview with Layla Miller.
Layla Miller. Welcome back to the show. Thank you, Joey. It's so good to be here with you again. It's been, uh, it's been a while since we spoke. And last time we spoke, we talked about your other book, primal loss, the now adult children of divorce speak. Now we're talking about this book, impossible marriages redeemed.
They didn't end the story in the middle, and this is a different book than primal loss, but it is related. How is it different yet related? And what inspired you to write this book in the first. Well, when I wrote primal loss, it was a pretty dark book, uh, as you know, yeah. Um, there's a lot of heavy material in the, the hearts and minds and lives of the children of divorce.
And I knew when I wrote that book or when I compiled those responses to my questions, that I would need a little something. Um, at the end of that book to make people not feel completely hopeless. And so I, I had a small chapter that had stories of hope, which were not the, the children of divorce, but rather people who had come through difficult marriages either themselves or their parents and had, um, or had those marriages redeemed in the end.
And so that chapter, which was chapter 10, um, was a small part of the first book. , it was really appreciated by my Bishop, Bishop Olmsted, and also some of the priests who said, you know what? We could use a whole book of those stories because we deal with people in crisis marriages all the time. And if we could have a book to hand them, that would be really helpful.
So I said about. Doing that doing just that. And I got, I just collected a bunch of stories and, um, Iowa was a little slow. It took me about three years to get it out there, but finally I did. And, uh, so that's the Genesis of, of this follow up book was just a need to, to inspire, um, the people who right now.
Don't want to get to that point where their kids would be, uh, children of divorce. And it is, it's very inspiring. It's very hopeful. And like you said, different in that sense from PRI loss, which was very heavy, but I, I found it incredibly refreshing, uh, As someone who comes from a broken home reading about how these marriages truly were redeemed and you know, they're not perfect.
No, no marriage is, but they're really, they turned a corner and they're in a much better spot. Now I'm curious for people who pick up the book who read it, what's your hope for them? What do you want them to get out of it? So kind of the theme, I think is the same. That's the theme of, of Christianity in general, which is that if we are not a people of redemption, then we are nothing at all.
And so when the church. Stands for, and is the, you know, the greatest champion of marriage or, or is supposed to be, this is what we mean. We mean that when the cross comes and the cross will always come, uh, we know that redemption is not far behind. And so if we keep our faith, whether it's in, um, just the everyday pitfalls of life, Itself, but especially in marriage, because marriage is the foundation of, of society.
Keep the faith, understand that this is about God's promises. This is something supernatural. You can get to a place where there will be redemption. Uh, so, you know, if that's, that's kind of the, the theme of our lives and it really should be the theme of our marriages is that we know what our God can do.
And if we throw it away or throw off our cross before. He is able to work through grace in us. You know, we don't see those miracles. We don't see the ending that he had planned. So that's kind of what I want people to keep in mind is this is always a life itself. And marriage is, is a long haul process.
It's not, uh, something that we try to figure out quickly or in the moment it's always about, you know, through the cross to redemption. And if we cut that short. Everything will go wrong. It's not God's plan. So that, that's kind of, my hope is just we, we wanna read these and see, this is just, this is life itself.
This is how God works, and we need to cooperate with him. And you said marriage is the foundation of society. I wanna touch on that for a second. Before we get into the C of the book, the question really is what's at stake. Cuz some people say divorce is really not a big deal. Like really not a big deal, but what happens to a culture?
If, if divorce becomes ramp. So it's an interesting question because I even after writing or editing primal loss, I hadn. Fully envisioned or put that together in my mind of what it looks like to have a society where so many millions of children come from broken foundations and I was on, um, a Jeanette, uh, Williams Jeanette bank, Vic Williams show on 10.
Couple years ago, I think. And she put it together for me as she's interviewing me. And she was talking about the fabric of society. And, you know, if you pull at a little bit of the fabric of something, it'll, it'll kind of get messed up over here. And she said, imagine, you know, you've got the entire. Nation or an entire culture where you've got these tears and rips, but it's throughout the entire country, you know, it's, it's, it's our culture.
And so if one story has so much is fraught with so much dysfunction and, and difficulty and pain and darkness and. Heaviness and, and, um, inability to know what to do or how to, how to act or all these different things that we, we, we encounter when we talk to, or understand the heart and mind of the child of divorce, you multiply that by millions and millions of people.
and you can start to see why it's, why we have the society we do right now, which is so disjointed. So disconnected, chaotic, confusing, um, wounded, broken. I mean, all these different things that we, these adjectives we could use. It's societal, it's, it's all the way through the fabric of society and you cannot.
This full, beautiful tapestry or this stable society when you've got the foundation being broken people. I, I don't think anyone would argue with that, that the world is very broken right now. And so I think you're right to focus on the source of it, which is the breakdown of marriage and the family. Cuz as you said, it is the building block, the foundation of society and that's.
Really what we're all about at ReSTOR. So I'm happy you're championing this message and getting it out there. Let's get into the book. You broke it into two main sections. Would you explain the first section is the larger section, and that is 50 stories of marriages. Either the spouses themselves are discussing the marriage, or it's a child who is talking about, uh, a difficult marriage that their parent, their parents had.
Um, but these are stories that all got redeemed. So really D. Problems in the marriages and yeah, probably probably more difficult than your average marriage out there. That's breaking up because most marriages, I believe are pretty low conflict. I mean, I'm sorry. Most divorces are pretty low conflict. Um, statistically, yeah.
People just get unhappy, you know, they wanna move on, but these stories that are redeemed, um, are the. Gosh, the things that most people would say it's very justified to leave. For example, um, alcoholism, uh, there's pornography addiction. There is, uh, financial ruin infidelity, lots of infidelity. So these, uh, mental illness too.
Um, so those first 50 stories take us through either again, from the perspective of the spouses or the children, how. They got through it, how they overcame it and became stronger redeemed. It saw the miracle. And so they're hopeful. Very, very hopeful. Mm-hmm the second section is also quite hopeful in my opinion, but these are the standards.
So there's 15 stories of spouses who are standing for their marriage vow. even though the other spouse is gone and that is very unusual. And, and that's why people, they really raised their eyebrows at that. They're like what, you know, somebody's voluntarily staying single and lonely and alone when everybody tells them to move on everybody, I'm, I'm talking even in the church, you know, just move along, you know, get your enrollment, move along.
Yeah. Find that new romance. But these standards are really taking their vow quite seriously. They really meant what they said on the altar. And they're carrying across that is heavier than most crosses. I would imagine out there, um, because they're getting ridiculed on top of being lonely, but it's, the stories are just so beautiful.
Like you, you see the holiness in these people and you see that even the abandonment has made. Even more holy and, and, uh, you get really inspired by these stories as well. And, and there's a reason that we would want to have a witness of such people that will keep their vow, their sacred vow. Until death, as they promised it's, it's beautiful and heroic.
And of the, the marriages that were redeemed in that first section, uh, which of them seemed the most hopeless. And, and what happened? Tell us the story. Yeah. Well, there's quite a few that seem so hopeless. Uh, but the ones that I think there are a couple in there that had even gone so far as. Actual civil divorce and remarriage, and then had come back from that.
So not only adultery and some other issues, but also just literally actual civil divorce. And, um, one of 'em was, you know, this, this couple that's actually still married today. I think they're married 55 years now, but, uh, her husband had. Multiple affairs. They were very devout when they got married, he, they kind of started to just be a little lax in the practice of their faith.
He began to have an affair. I think this was in the seventies, you know, sexual revolution had come or about, he came back for like two weeks. She got pregnant during those two weeks. He left her again. I mean, so she's got these little kids. Finally, he says a few years later, I'm divorcing you. I'm just never coming back.
I'm gonna marry this other woman. I mean, all these things are happening and this woman is just shell shocked, you know, but at, at the time she's still very devout and she's thinking, what do I do? Well, it's still kind of in this time where people thought, you know, in the, in the seventies, people still kind of thought, especially Catholics, you know, that worked devout.
Not gonna leave. You're not gonna get an enrollment and none of that. And so she didn't, so she, she kept going and she kept being faithful and just waiting and praying and praying the rosary for her husband. And, and eventually he came back. He came back the second time and, uh, I, I think he, he might have left one more time.
But eventually when, even when she was told by the, the first priest, this is kind of interesting to me, the first priest, the priest that, that married them, told her at first, no, you have absolutely no, no grounds for annulment. And so she's like, okay. You know, so she went along the second time he left the same priest said, oh, you know what?
You do have grounds for enrollment. Cause I think like 10, 15 years had passed and the culture had changed and the culture in the church had changed. She went to her spiritual director who was father John harden, who is servant of God. He's going to be, you know, canonized, God willing. And he said, no. He said, no.
In fact, he said, I just came back from St. John Paul second. Obviously he wasn't canonized then, but he said, I just came back from Rome and he just saw JP two pick up a, a stack of annulment papers from the us and just threw them back down on his, his table. And he said enough. And, um, so she decided to stay faithful and he ultimately, after all the prayers and all the forgiveness that she provided him, and they had to think a total of seven or eight kids, he came back and they now for the last.
Probably, I don't know if it's 15 or 20 years now have been very, very happy. They have like 32 grandchildren. They live in a, a very, um, wonderful Catholic community. And it just shows the miracle of God's grace. If you, if you keep your vow. And keep praying for your spouse and keep forgiving and, and a miracle occurred.
It was, it was pretty, it was a pretty amazing story. Yeah, it's unbelievable. And you know, I can't imagine how painful those years must have been for, for her. And just how many times perhaps she just wanted to give up. Absolutely. And it's interesting, you know, that when she first, when he first left, what went through her mind was.
Gosh, I think, I think she was only 24 the first time that he left and she said I'm, I'm young. And, and it was right around again, the, the late sixties then. And, uh, she said, you know, sexual revolution was happening. She's like, I, I, I, I don't wanna be single my whole life, but at the time the culture, see, here's the safeguard of the culture in the church.
They all said, no, still, you know, her community wasn't in, you know, divorce. Wasn't still a big thing. Um, it wasn't. It was, it was still frowned upon. And then of course, in the church, as I said, her, her priest said, no, you're not gonna get into annulment. So that pressure was brought to bear to be faithful.
And nowadays that's gone. That's completely gone. So, um, she in the meantime had become so holy that by the second round, she was already determined to stay faith. Wow. No, it's an incredible story and very heroic on her end, especially just going through all those injustices. I wanna speak about the, the standards, the, those abandoned spouses, uh, what motivated them to, to stay faithful to their wedding vows?
Mm, well, it, it had to be a special grace because again, there's nothing, um, surrounding them that would would say to do that. In fact, every single voice. From friends, family, the church, the culture says to not do that, there is something inside people where they are. They have such integrity that when they take a vow, a sacred vow, they there's something in them that cannot.
Break it, and they, they have the feeling that, you know, when I said for better or for worse, you know, in sickness or in health and by the way, sickness can also mean moral sickness. Then I, I meant it. They meant it. And so some of them were so, so devastating. I mean, it is devastating and it's devastating when nobody seems to be on your side and you seem to be the one that's being shamed, but, uh, you know, they have the grace.
Of God, they had the teachings of the church, whether or not, you know, a lot of people in the church still follow them. And really, you know, with a little research, they also found that the church says specifically JP two, again, we go back to the, the Saint, you know, he said in familiars consortium that these people who stand for their vows need to be and should be seen as witnesses.
And as heroes really in the faith and that they need the support, the full support of the community and the church. And so that gives them courage, you know, to know that, but it's, it's very difficult. It really is just a conviction that they have occasionally they'll find other standards and that really bolsters their, um, Their commitment and their, um, um, belief that this really is the way that Christ would have done it.
And in fact, it's the way Christ did do it, because think about it. He was the ultimate abandoned spouse and he did stay faithful. Until his death and, um, never once wavered in his faithfulness. So they really have conformed themselves to the cross and to Christ himself. And they just find that within, and it just has to be God's grace because there's no earthly reason why they would do that today.
I, I remember in the forward of the book, the, your author, the author who wrote the forward, he said they have found a way to love someone who has become unlovable. And I personally, like he said, I think that makes them hero. It is heroic and, and that's the model that Christ gave us again. He was biblical, right.
He loved us while we were still unlovable while we were still in our sin. And marriage is supposed to be a reflection of that. and we forget that, that it's not about, well, we're gonna love someone until they become unlovable. And then we're gonna kick 'em to the curb. And if we do that, what are we showing our children?
You know, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, UNC unconditional. I made, you know, I made this vow, your, you know, your father or your mother, and I love you too, just as much. And then later on, oops. Oh, dad became unlovable. Mom became unlovable. I'm done with that person. What does that show us about?
Not only, uh, what could happen to us, right? Yeah. And so the insecurity of the children forever, but it, what does it say about God? If, if, if that's your model and you see that happening with your parents and, and, and they represent God in your eyes in so many ways, you start to doubt God, too. So, so it's very heroic to be the one who does the uncommon thing.
And that's what these people did. Absolutely. And like you said, as a child of divorce and just speaking and working with so many children of divorce, when you see that, that, you know, someone can leave you who, who loved you at at one point, um, it really makes you doubt almost everything. Because it's like, well, what is secure?
What won't break apart. If, if the family is the most basic tribe, the most basic form of security, if that falls apart, then we really go through life questioning everything. Right. And that was the biggest shocker to me. Because again, I, I remember one of my, uh, the well, Alicia Hansen, I, I, um, had dedicated my, the primal loss book to her because she was kind of the inspiration for that.
Cuz she opened my eyes to this. Uh, I remember her saying, I always wonder. You know, why you had confidence Layla in the way you do. And, and it just never occurred to me to feel insecure about life. Hmm. Um, and then I recognized through the, obviously listening to the answers of so many adult children of divorce who seem to really be really put together on the outside.
And I realized what goes on inside. And I thought, my goodness, I don't know how I could withstand it. It, it. Mind boggling, but it's a completely foreign experience to someone who has an intact family. We cannot understand that type of, um, insecurity because everything that was your foundation was shattered and taken from you and split.
And I always have to keep reminding myself of that. You know, this is a new, a new thing for me to know, because it, it, I did not go through this unnatural breaking apart of my identity. So yeah, it's, it's. It's very difficult. It is what children are seeing. Mm-hmm and then, you know, we always go back to what's wrong with this generation, you know, they don't wanna commit.
They don't, they don't seem to, they seem to be wandering. They don't seem to have any purpose and, okay. Well, how many of those have come from shattered foundations? So many it's it's unbelievable. And one thing you said about vows, thinking back to something you just said a as a boy, after my parents separated and later divorce, uh, I remember holding promises in such like a high regard.
Like you don't break your promise and obviously a vow is different than a promise. It's a more serious thing. But, um, but yeah, I remember that stuck with me. It's interesting. You mentioned how, you know, those abandoned spouses, especially just. They know that their vow means something so serious that they're willing to suffer for it, which man that, that takes guts.
That's, that's very heroic. I think it's almost unheard of today. I don't know that we even talk about that anymore, because I do know that in the past, you know, you see old movies or old books and it was always like, you know, a man's word is his bond and people really. Honor was honor was much more important than happiness to a person, um, when we had our priorities straight and when God was truly the center of, of most people's lives and experiences and you're right, like now who talks about.
Keeping promises or it's not even a thing really. It's it's it seems to be nothing we even discussed. So that's interesting to me that you even say that, that, that was, that really struck you as a, as a kid or a young man, cuz that, that is true. We don't talk about it. We don't think it's a big deal. It's like, well, you know, I, I said it then, but I don't mean it now.
I mean, what's the big deal I need to, I, I change, I evolve, right? Yeah. But boy, it used to be that you made a promise and that was who you. if you broke that, that means you, you were dishonored. Yeah. And there was good positive pressure to keep those promises, which is what you alluded to before. I wanna talk about those extreme cases, because whenever you talk about this topic on social media or do interviews or write articles, people criticize you saying that you're telling spouses who are in really super difficult situations where there's abuse or even the threat of death to, to stay in those situations.
So. Again, for the record, we did this last episode too. Would you clarify kind of what you're saying to those spouses in those situations? Absolutely. As always I say this, I say exactly what the church teaches because the church, we always fall back on do what the church requires or what the church says.
And the church says that in cases of, uh, danger, In cases of an unlivable situation in cases of, um, unrepentant adultery, you may physically separate. Okay. That that's what is allowed physical separation is permitted. Um, it should be with the permission of the Bishop, but we won't go into that because no Bishop holds to that cannon in America.
So that's a whole other story. but. But, you know, it it's, it's allowed because nobody is saying that you have to stay and be abused, however, can law says something else. It says, well, first of all, we also know that that doesn't mean that a marriage has ended simply because someone is abusive. The marriage is not dependent on what someone is doing to you, you know, 10 years in or 20 years in, or if they become an alcoholic or if they.
The marriage is dependent on what happened that day of the wedding vows. Anything else after that is across in, in the marriage. And, and again, we're not gonna get into how do you evaluate a, a true impediment to what was a valid marriage, but what Canon law says is that at no point basically, um, here and I can even, I can even quote it, which, which is always helpful.
In all cases, this is Canon law, uh, numbers 1, 1 51 through 1 55 in all cases. When the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored. Okay. So the point is we've always been about reconciliation. We've always been about forgiveness. If it gets to the point where those problems cease to be those problems anymore.
Reconciliation is required, but physical separation absolutely is permitted in those circumstances. What isn't permitted is, oh, I'm not married to you anymore. I'm going to just go ahead and move on. Yeah. And for anyone who doesn't know what Canon law is, is basically church law. And so that's what Laylo was, was reading us there.
Mm-hmm but man, that is very counter cultural. , it's something that we don't talk about a lot, but as you said so beautifully, it's all about the reunification of the spouses, the healing of the family, bringing everyone together. And if your book proves anything, it proves that that is possible. It's not just some lofty idea that some people, you know, across the ocean made up very true.
And in fact, so I have, you know, how many 50 of those redemption stories. I get, there were plenty more. I hear about them every day. I get emails, you know, and even you look around in your neighborhood, I guarantee you that the older married couples and the people married for a long time, you know, they had something that could have led to a divorce.
There is no couple who is not going to have a serious cross mm-hmm statistically almost impossible. There might be a perfect couple here or there, but I've never met them. So, um, So this idea that, well, you just found the 50 people who really overcame some difficulties. No, most people don't try. Most people.
When they come to those crosses. And so what I'm saying is there's a lot of silent people, everywhere, millions who have overcome really bad things, or even just standard annoying misery, you know, some people are just miserable and they, they can overcome that. Or even if they don't have this perfect, perfect romance, love bloom, you know, butterflies in your stomach forever for 55 years, which that's not really what God intended anyway is never what the promise was that they can get to a point of content.
Even if the person is imperfect, even if they feel like they didn't find their quote unquote soulmate, which is another, you know, annoyance to me to think of that, we, we think we have to find someone that's perfectly suited for us or we haven't, you know, we're unable to. Yeah, exactly. Like, I mean, are we unable to have marriage then?
Unless we find the perfect person, then why would Jesus expect that almost every human being on earth who reaches adulthood? Naturally be married. Um, if we have to find the perfect, perfect spouse, that doesn't cause us any trouble. So, um, so all these stories exist out there. They're they're in every family.
The only difference between people who have a long marriage and get to that point where they are just ha have a beautiful ending, really. The only difference is that they chose not to get divorced at whatever particular difficult time there was. And they continued to work. Yeah. Those two parts they didn't give up and they continue to work.
Cuz if you just keep where they are, it will eventually deteriorate even worse. Exactly, exactly. Which is what the people in the book found out. I mean, they were the, the thing I did when I started editing these, these stories about halfway through, I thought, you know what? These are, these are conversion stories and I hadn't really thought of it that way.
They're talking about how they changed, you know, cuz a lot of 'em are, you know, the, the spouse that was supposedly, you know, the one that was wronged and they're talking about their interior change that actually led to a renewal of the marriage. Yeah. Even though maybe they weren't the one with the addiction, they weren't the one with committing adultery or having the mental illness or whatever it was.
And they began to. Focus more on their relationship with God than their spouse's sins. And so then they would renew themselves and they would become holier. And as they did that, they were able to forget all their resentments and what I'm, you know, I need him to change this way and I need her to do this and they became.
Almost saintly. And, and with that came a forgiveness and there's the key. There, there is a key to every one of these stories, which is forgiveness. And I can't even explain how that, that is the thread that goes through all these stories of redemption of very terrible, terrible issues in the marriage. The ability to forgive and love.
and then it ends up changing the, you know, the quote unquote bad spouse. So is, it was fascinating. It really were. It was, it is conversion stories, stories of God's grace. I don't know how people would. Things worked and redeem things again, not just keeping the status quo, but redeem things if they don't have forgiveness and, and the grace of God.
Yeah. And it's a slow work and that's, I think something that we struggle with a lot in our culture, we want everything. Now. We want things change immediately. We want, I mean, Amazon prime, for example, like if I have to wait three days instead of two, I'm like frustrated, why isn't that package getting here sooner?
Absolutely true. And, and that is a real problem today. In the past, we didn't have these quick exits when we're miserable. So in the past, you didn't have no fault divorce, which is a greased exit ramp. And you, you know, someone who wants a divorce will always get a civil divorce. There's nobody who doesn't get one.
If they want one, it's just done. It's a court case that is always predetermined. So you have that quick exit ramp. And then if you're Catholic, you pretty much know that you. Get an annulment too. I mean, I'm not saying everybody does, but boy, we have a pretty high rate. So when you have those assurances, that, and these are these, I call 'em the two major exit ramps.
These two greased exit ramps, then there's nothing keeping you, like you said time, it takes time. Well, there's nothing keeping you for maybe, oh, it might take four years, five years, 10 years, 20 years to get to the point where God is gonna show you what he's doing with your marriage. And so we, we, that's why I said the subtitle, you know, the is, is they didn't end the story in the middle because if you end God's story in the middle, you're not gonna get.
The beautiful part that he wants you to see. Absolutely. And if you walk out of a movie in the middle, you're gonna think it's a horrible movie. Yeah, exactly. And it's not gonna make sense. Yeah, exactly. No, it'd be so confusing and you don't see the character transformation that that is possible. And you know, we're not naive.
We don't, we know in every case. It's it doesn't happen, but, but like you're saying, there's so many cases where it does, but even in those cases where it doesn't, you can say true to, to that promise. So, so many, so many beautiful points. I wanna talk about suffering, cuz that's really at the core of everything that we're talking about, uh, in the book, an important point that you make is marriage involves suffering and, and you say the weight of what we are promising is unknown to us on our wedding.
Powerful. Would you elaborate on that? Yes, absolutely. And, and there's a beautiful exoration that used to be read at the beginning of every Catholic wedding, which pretty much elaborated on that and said that, you know, everything in the future is hidden. It's hidden. You don't know what it is. You're, you're kind of taking this on trust.
And so we take this vow, we have this idea. That, especially now. I mean, we have this romantic view of marriage. We have this idea that now we've been completed. now we're, um, with this person we love, and now we just get to kind of rest on our laurels and, and, and enjoy this bliss that we have cemented here today.
It's quite the opposite. What you've done is you've. No matter what comes in, in, in life, which could be anything from, you know, a cancer diagnosis to death of a child. I mean, there's so many different, terrible things that could happen. We have promised that we are not going anywhere and we're going to love each other through it.
I will love this person. Actually. It's only a value take. Right? You make the vow to the other person to God. I will do this thing. I don't know. What's. Probably we can all guess because we know life, you know, it's going to hurt, whatever it is, is going to be cruciform. It's going to be shaped like a cross.
That the reason we take the vow, we would not have to take a vow. If we thought everything was gonna be good from here on in, you would not need a vow. You would stay because you want to stay. The only reason we take a vow is because there are going to be times where we don't want to stay anymore. And the only thing we have to fall back on is this promise that we.
That's it. So 50% of that vow is bad, right? In, in sickness in bad times when we're poor 50% of what we're promising is negative. Wow. And that should show us. It's very simple too. It's a simple vow, but it is pure. It's a pure vow and it's a vow that is sacred, but yes, there is no idea. You have no idea past that threshold, what you're gonna encounter.
And isn't. I, I don't know how to describe that. It's it's, um, breathtaking. This is huge. So when we say, uh, you know, when we get to a across and we say, well, no, I didn't expect that. Well, what I mean, that was, that was your vow. So. I wish we still had that exoration at the beginning of each marriage because it, it hammers home that idea that you are promising something you're promising something to a future that you cannot see, but that's how profound this is.
It's it's absolutely stunning, but yeah, we, we don't think of it that way anymore. We think of it as this person's gonna fulfill me and make me happy. I remember hearing, uh, I think it was Chris Hanick, uh, speaker author, who, uh, was telling the story about. And his marriage, his wife had been abused as, as a girl, sexually abused as a little girl.
And a lot of it bubbled up years into their marriage and she just needed time where they weren't having sex at all. Mm-hmm , it went on for, you know, a few weeks and he was strong and he was saying, okay, I love you, honey. I can do this for you, but then it went on for a month and two months. And. Three months.
And I think it went on for six months or perhaps even a year, a long time. And, uh, you know, being a Catholic, he was praying and he said, Jesus, like, I like, I don't, I didn't sign up for this or something along those lines. And I think he heard Jesus say, actually you did . But, uh, but what a difficult thing to go through, but you know, that promise that, that vow, the more serious version of the promise, uh, was, was what held.
To be faithful, of course, and to endure in that really, really difficult time. And you're you're right. We all need that because it's too easy to just go, uh, after the easy thing, the convenient thing, the comfortable thing. Well, yeah. And you have to trust that God is doing something here. Like it's not that he's just arbitrarily, you know, creating misery for you, by having, you know, some suffering come into your life this way through your spouse or through your marriage, he has something he's doing.
And it's profound, but he's not, you know, we're called to be patient too. I mean, he's not just gonna suddenly do this self gratification thing and just give you what you want instantly. He's gonna make you really prove that you love him and you love your spouse and that you, you will get that reward, but it's not, not necessarily gonna come right away.
We know this. And, and what you said about him and his situation, that is the lived reality of these standards. You know, they, they see their spouses oftentimes go off and, and get remarried and have these big romances and. And they're alone, you know, they're sleeping alone and, and they know they'll likely die alone, even.
Although the last story in the book, the very last story was just absolutely amazing because it was a, the story of a woman who waited, you know, everyone told her to just move on. I mean, he just, he had gone on, he'd had another child with another woman. I mean, all these things happen and she just said, no, I made, I made a promise.
I made a vow. And, uh, and he recently passed away and all she had ever done was pray that could I. Help him get to heaven. And it was like three days before he died. The, she, she got called into his bedside cuz they had never actually officially divorced. So he hadn't, she hadn't seen him in 13 years. Wow.
And um, she was able to forgive him to hold his hand, to pray the rosary, to get him last rights, to whisper in his ear that she had forgiven everything. And she sent him off to heaven. You know, she sent him to God with the Sacra. As his wife. And she said, that's all I ever prayed for. That's all I wanted as his wife.
So there are these miracles that God will, will work, but you will have to possibly wait till the end. And yes, you might be lonely and yes, you might have a cross, but what are we asked to do that? Our Lord did not already experience before us. I always say we, we have a God who, I don't think I said it, but you know, we have a God who went before us in all.
So as lonely as we feel, as, you know, abandoned, as we feel as, as, as unjustly, as we're treated, Christ had all that, but way more than we ever will. So, so it's a beautiful, the cross is not something that we should just think of throwing off all the time, but that we should say. This is a gift, you know, let, let me, let me become holy through this gift and you truly need supernatural strength to be able to endure this, like you alluded to already.
So, wow. What, what a powerful, powerful story. Uh, what were some of the, the common themes of the patterns that contributed to the breakdown of the marriages, uh, in the book that, that you noticed when you were compiling it, you, you already touched on them a little bit. You said things like pornography, financial issue.
Mental illness, affairs, all that. But what, what other things would you add? Mm-hmm I think the key thing in all of it that started to really break down communications, you know, between the spouses or, or starting to, uh, turn them against each other, is, is this resentment, you know, this idea that you're not doing what I want or need you to do, or you're not who I thought you were.
You're not what, you know, not doing what you're supposed to be doing. And in many cases, yeah, that's true. But then they. Re, you know, have this resentment over it rather than, okay, Lord, you know, what, what do you want me to do with this? How can I forgive this person? But in instead it's this I, I need, I want, and so you start to resent and resent and resent, and then no matter how your spouse might be trying to even improve or try to help, not enough.
And there's something, I mean, I was gonna say women understand this. We women do. Tend to really want to change our husbands, like kind of control the things that they do. And, and, and we probably do know what they should look like and what it should be like and how they should act. Um, and so we're just trying to help , you know, in a lot of ways, but, uh, but it's something that we do and we end up.
Emasculating our men. I mean, that's just, that's just a common theme in this culture. It's a it's that we're swimming in the so of feminism and we don't even realize it, uh, which is a whole other topic for another day. But, but we don't even know it. We don't even realize that we're, we're emasculating our men.
And when we do that, he spirals down because all a man really wants to do is please his wife and, and know that she's easily pleased. Well, we're not easily pleased. So it's this, this vicious cycle that can start and, um, And then he pulls away or, you know, or, uh, we double down or whatever. So there's a lot of that instead of pulling back and just being with God and saying, you know what?
This is about me and God, it's always about me and God. And then the whole year we get the less, we will look to that person to fulfill us. And the more we will just say, well, how can I love that person? How can love that person? God fulfills me. God fulfills me. So. The resentments, the lack of communication.
Another thing was, you know, the threat of divorce, like one of the husbands was like, as soon as she told me, she used to threaten me with divorce. He said, as soon as she said, I'm not going to divorce. You. Everything changed for him because it, it, it gave him that safe space to, to be a sinner, but to try to improve and be allowed to improve.
And he had been an alcoholic and all these different, bad things had happened. And she just took that off the table and that released such a burden from him. So we don't wanna use the, the DWORD as a, as a weapon because that will really crush. The love, you know, and the, and the, and the trust and the commitment.
And, um, so, so things like that, you know, resentment using words as weapons, and back up, go back to God, take care of your own, you know, stay in your lane, get holy, and then your spouse will come along. Usually. Yeah, that's so common that, you know, years and years before a divorce takes place, that threat of divorce that we haven't really talked about that in this show, but I experienced that in my own family.
And I know, uh, other people listening right now, restores audience, especially we've yeah. We've experienced that threat and it is very, very lethal. But on the flip side of what we just talked about, uh, what were some of the common themes in the recovery of those marriages, right? Yeah. Adoration. Oh my gosh.
There's plenty of stories where they go to, you know, adoration of the blessed sacrament. Uh, prayer. Prayer is huge. The rosary, um, I know all, not all your audiences is Catholic, but you know, prayer, you know, scripture, uh, follow Christ. See what he did when he encountered difficulties, they would look upon their spouse, uh, with love.
You know, with love, seeing their wounds, seeing the spouse's wounds, you know, they got pornography addicted husbands. My goodness. Some of these poor guys got addicted when they were children. Hmm. It's not cuz they wanna be, you know, so there's this heart for. For the spouse that's, that's suffering forgiveness again.
Huge, huge thing is forgiveness to if and, and Christ said himself, if you do not forgive others, you will not be forgiven. If that's the one thing we should remember it in front of our minds, always no matter who we're dealing with, we have to forgive because we will not be forgiven otherwise. Uh, we have this idea that we can just, um, be righteously, indignant, be, be right.
You know, I'm right. Well, he was bad or she was bad. It's like, Okay, but you're not perfect either. And what if, God, didn't forgive you. So there's a lot that, you know, we're not used to forgiving people in this society, but it is, it is huge in the recovery and the turnaround. So it's not just, okay. We can stay together.
It's that, there's something more beautiful that comes later than even was at the time of the wedding. And that's what people don't understand either you get you're more in love after you get past those crosses. So forgiveness is, is huge. One of the things that I noticed that, that you alluded to you even explained well, is that, uh, each spouse taking ownership of how they contributed to the breakdown of the marriages, not just blaming and even in those cases where one of the spouses was truly more to blame.
Maybe they had an affair, they were dealing with an addiction. But, but the, the other spouse was able to admit that they played a role and they, when they took ownership of their part, it seemed to help so much and contributed to the healing and the recovery of the marriage. Yeah. There's an astounding story.
And it's the first story in the book. And the woman discovers that her husband has been having an affair probably for years. And she is enraged, absolutely enraged and betrayed. And of course, I mean, every feeling she becomes. An alcoholic. I mean, she starts to drink heavily. She eventually, again, this is all in the story, but, uh, she eventually through prayer, through God's grace, she is able to forgive him and not only forgive him, but she starts to see that she had in her words, other, this is so interesting how she puts it, but she says, I, I realized that I had.
Found fault with him for so many years. And I made sure he knew over the years exactly what was wrong with him. And I hand, you know, I, I criticized and I I'd belittled him and I emasculated him and I ensured that he would, you know, that all his broken pieces, you know, he took, he took himself to another woman who made him feel.
So it's not, it's not that she was saying he wasn't at fault for adultery because he was 100% that's his choice. But she said, I wrapped his broken pieces up in a bow and handed him over. To a woman who was treating him nicely. And, and the interesting thing about that story is she, I mean, she completely forgave him and then she absolutely owned her own sins against her husband, which were, which were pretty serious.
That's pretty serious thing to do to your husband. But he went on to have another affair a few years later and it took almost no time at all for her to forgive him again. Wow. And she got the grace of seeing him with such love. Such love and they are in a very happy marriage right now. So, you know, you think of these kids, they could have been, they could have been just completely destroyed by a divorce and, and blaming and, and, and, you know, everything that comes after that.
And, and now they're, they're in an intact. Very happy. Very Catholic family. Wow. Wow. Incredible. And to the, for those of you listening right now, who your minds could go to? Oh my gosh, that woman is a doormat. that? She's not a doormat. She's forgiveness is not saying that what someone did wasn't wrong or that it didn't matter that didn't hurt.
Oh my goodness. It's just releasing them of, of that debt really similar what they owe you because of their wrong actions. So yeah, she's, she's no doormat. That takes incredible, incredible strength to do something like that. Yes. And, and not only is she not a doormat, I mean, the, the, the beauty of it is she's a very happy woman.
So, you know, people say, oh, she's beaten down. And she's like, oh no, no. I, I happen to actually know this woman and she is, uh, incredible. And she's incredible. She's got a great family. So, so yeah, so her, her relationship with God is intimate. She is very, very close to God in prayer and she is a strong and a very joyful woman.
So it, it is it's, it's just really neat to see. Beautiful li I wanna get your advice and encouragement for, for different groups of people who are listening right now, the first struggling spouses, spouses who are in a really difficult marriage in a difficult situation, uh, they may be thinking that there's only two options, you know, leave and be happy, uh, or stay and be miserable.
Uh, what advice would you give to them and, and what could they practically do to rescue their marriage? Mm, right. There's always a third option, which is to faithfully live out your. And become a Saint like that is if you read any Saint story anywhere, they had incredible suffering, incredible hardship.
And a lot of it was unjust. In fact, you know, once you get to that point of sanctity, most of it's unjust. I mean, uh, and they have such joy, so there is another option and that is to, it is very simple, you know, it's to simply. Live out your vows, live out your vows. God will take care of the rest. God will deal with, you know, if something needs to be dealt with, he will deal with it in the end.
And, and even in the, you know, before the end, but you do your small. Steps of faithfulness and the practical things, you know, there are, um, I would say there's not a lot, unfortunately out there for people who say I want to stay married and not divorce, and I want help. Uh, because a lot of people say, well, you know, past this point or that point, you need to get divorced.
So you always have to make sure if you, if you're going to find a counselor, even if it's just for you, it might just be for you, but it might be marriage counselor for both. That is your stipulation ahead of time. We are, we don't wanna talk about divorce, take divorce off the table, help us help me. But if you're gonna talk about divorce, I don't wanna hear it.
You have to find someone that respects that there are places. If both, if both spouses want help and they're struggling, uh, the Alexander House is the, I recommend that to everyone. They do such good work. Um, I'm good friends with Julie and Greg Alexander. Retrovi which is a program for very difficult troubled marriages, or even people who are already divorced that's a, a, a weekend.
And then there's some follow up on that. People can email marriage responders, gmail.com, and that will lead to some people who will try to kind of. Peer counseling, assess the situation, try to give you some general ideas of what you can do or where you need to, to look for help. But most problems are rooted in the same types of things.
You know, anger, pride, addiction. I mean, there, it is not like there's. Such unusual things out there that people will never know how to deal with them. It's it's usually been dealt with and people, people can find ways to help with those situations. Make sure you are around people who affirm your marriage and support marriage rather than picking aside.
That's massively important. Pick your friends wisely. I was reading a book in a classic Catholic book from the 1940s. That said, and this is way before divorce was popular. That said that a woman's girlfriends are some of the worst influences on a, a marriage on a wife, because she will look to what her girlfriends are SA are saying.
And I've found that to be even more true now because I've been around for a long time. Now I've been married 30 years. I'm 53. I've been around a lot of women. Married women. And yes, what women's friends say will influence them to, you know, if they say no, honey, you know, let's, I will help you stay in your marriage.
We we're gonna figure out this. How, how, how to make this work. Tell me the best things about your husband. Tell me it's good qualities. You know, I'm not gonna, you know, help you get a divorce. In other words, Versus, oh my gosh, he did what, what you don't deserve. Are you kidding me? You need to leave.
Absolutely. You deserve to be happy. God doesn't want you to ever suffer, you know, all this stuff. So there's a huge difference between types of girlfriends. Make sure if you're a woman, you have the right type of girlfriends. Yeah. So those are some of the practical things you can do and make sure if you're, if you're a friend or a family of a struggling, uh, couple that you do not drive a wedge between.
The husband and the wife, husband, and wife is a sacred bond that God formed. Uh, you have no business putting a wedge between them. You can help, uh, facilitate forgiveness or help, you know, help 'em find a good counselor help 'em, um, get, have 'em cry on your shoulder. And, uh, Sometimes it requires humility.
And I, and again, I'm not saying doormat, you know? Okay, fine. Again, UN repent adultery. That's one of those things in Canon law because there's issues of disease and issues of, you know, that's a really bad situation. Yeah. You can, you can separate, you can separate, but forgiveness is always an option and it should always be part of our, our Christian, uh, you know, our tools.
That's what, that's what Christ expects of us. Beautiful. So, yeah. Yeah, there's a, there's a lot, there's a lot in there, but, um, but the, but the healing and the truth of things, you know, it's all still very simple. It's all very, uh, it's not, it's not overly complicated Christ in his message, you know, when he told a parable or, or sentence here or there, it was very simple words.
So we have to not overcomplicate things. Beautiful. And I know you put in the back of the book resources for, for couples or for friends who wanna help their friends who are in a struggling marriage. So guys pick up the book, Layla, thank you so much for being here. If people wanna follow you, how can they do that?
Yeah. My website is Layla miller.net. That's L E I L a miller.net, and I'm also pretty active on my, um, My personal Facebook page, which is always public. I have a writer's Facebook page too, but the personal one is, is always going. That that's pretty much, I I'm, I'm somewhat more a wife and mom than, than out there, but, but that's where you can find me.
Perfect. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you for putting together this book. I think it's gonna help a lot of couples who are struggling, but also people like me and people who, uh, are listening to what ReSTOR has to say. People who come from broken homes, we wanna believe in love. We wanna believe in marriage and this book gives us a reason to do so.
So thank you so. Yes, it's a, it's a, a shot of hope. So I, I hope that's what people get out of it. And thank you so much for having me on Joey. It's been. Wow. That interview gave me so much hope. Even when I was listening at, before we launched it, it honestly made me tear up. It was so beautiful that love can be so faithful so deep, and it could even fight through the worst of situations.
It just made me believe that that it's possible that even those. Marriages can be redeemed. And if you wanna hear more of those stories, you can buy Layla's book, impossible marriages redeemed. They didn't end the story in the middle to do that. Just go to restored ministry.com/ 29. Again, that's restored ministry ministries, just singular.com/two.
Nine, just scroll down. You'll see the book click on that link, and then you can check out on Amazon. We're also giving away three copies of the book randomly. We're giving it away to, to anyone on our email list and to join, you can go to restored ministry.com/ 29. The same link. I just mentioned, just scroll down to the form, fill it out, and then you're entered the win.
It's as easy as that. And if you're already on our list, of course you're entered to, to win one of these books and we'll choose the winners randomly. On November 1st. And if you join, you'll also get a free ebook on some practical ways that you can cure loneliness. You'll get exclusive email content. And then whenever we come in with a new article or podcast episode, we'll email that to you.
We really don't send many emails, no spam, just really solid content. So join our email list. The resources mentioned during the show notes, it's at restored ministry.com/two nine. Thank you so much for listening. If this has been useful, go ahead and subscribe and share this podcast with someone that you know who could use it always remember you are not alone.
We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
