#019: How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul | Jason Evert
Ladies, if you've ever felt discouraged and alone in your search for love, this episode is for you. Jason Evert offers advice from the book he and his wife wrote titled How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul.
By listening, you'll get:
The type of guys to avoid
How the "Love Test" helps you figure out if a man really loves you
One thing you can do to reduce the chance of divorce in your own marriage
How to break up with a guy, even if you're afraid
Encouragement if you've made mistakes and how to heal from them
Plus, enter our random giveaway to win the book How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul! We’re giving away three. Details at the end of the episode.
Buy the Book
How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul: 21 Secrets for Women
Links & Resources
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Books & Research:
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study
[Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the link above, your purchase will support Restored. Thank you!]
Follow Jason Evert
Podcast: Love > Lust
Instagram: @jasonevert
Facebook: Jason and Crystalina Evert
Website: Chastity.com
Catholic dating websites Jason recommends
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Ladies you are in for a treat. If you or someone, you know, has ever wondered, how do I find a good guy? How do I build love without settling? If you've ever felt hopeless in your search for love and your search for a good man, this episode is for you. My guess today is Jason Everett. The last episode we did with him was for the men and this one's for you ladies.
Jason and his wife, Lina wrote a book called how to find your soulmate without losing your soul 21 secrets for women. And they've sold hundreds of thousands of these books. Women just eat it up. And as you'll hear him say, after traveling the world and speaking about love and relationships, they saw some common themes in the struggles women face.
And so they wanted something. They could just handle the women to help them in their search for love. And the book is their answer. So we'll dive into the content in the book and even go beyond it. And some of the benefits you'll get from listening to this episode, you'll know some of the guys you wanna avoid.
Jason talks about the love test and how it can help you figure out whether a man really loves you or not. We speak about hookup culture and how that's so toxic to your love life. Jason gives a couple ideas on how women should respond to the constant pressure in our culture, for them to have flawless bodies.
We mentioned one thing that you can do to reduce the chance of divorce in your own marriage. Jason gives some guidance on how to break up with a guy, you know, you should. Even if you're afraid. And lastly, Jason just gives some encouragement. 10 of you ladies out there who feel broken, who feel like, you know, it's too late for, you've made some mistakes.
So Jason will speak into that and give some advice on how to heal. We're also doing a random giveaway. We're giving away three of these books. I'll tell you more about that at the end.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you cope, heal, and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce or separation. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 19, and if you've been listening, you know, that we're in the middle of our love and relationship series.
Research shows that the biggest way. Our parents' divorce affects us is in our romantic relationships. And you may be wondering why basically, because we don't have a roadmap for love. We've seen a broken model of what love and marriage look like. And so when it's our turn, we feel lost and we struggle in numerous ways in our relationships.
And so we're bringing you a roadmap, actionable tips and expert advice on how to find and build authentic love that lasts. What about Jason? Jason Everett has spoken on six continents to more than 1 million people about love, relationships and sexuality with his wife Carlina. They're the authors of more than 15 books, including how to find your soulmate without losing your soul pure womanhood.
And if you really loved me, Jason earned a master's degree in theology and undergraduate degrees in counseling and theology with a minor in philosophy at Franciscan university of Steubenville, Jason and his wife, our frequent guest in radio shows throughout the country and their TV appearances include Fox news, MSNBC, the BBC and E w TN Jason and Chris married in 2003.
And now they live in Phoenix with their beautiful family. And I know I say this often, but for any of you guys out there who are listening, who aren't religious. I'm so happy you're here. Uh, Jason and other guests of ours are religious. And so they may talk about God about faith, but even if you take out those parts of the episodes, you're still gonna get a lot out of it.
And so if you can keep an open mind, there's so much good stuff in this interview for you. And I do apologize. There's some background noise throughout the interview. So please bear with us on that. Here's my interview with Jason, Jason. Thanks for being back. Great to have you on the show again. Oh, I'm glad to be on.
Thanks for having me. I love, uh, I love the soul, my book. I read it a while ago. I know I'm not a woman, but I thought it was excellent. A lot of great advice that I would want my sister and my future daughters to read. And before getting into the content, I was curious, let's go back in time. What inspired you to write this book in the first place?
Yeah. Well, first I'm glad to hear that you read it and I'm here more and more guys are, even though it's, you know, clearly for women, one guy came up to me at a conference, was buying the book and I said, Hey, well just, you know that just for women. and he said, I know, but my girlfriend told me I need to read it.
so like, okay, then enjoy. Um, but where it came from is that we would speak at, you know, these young adult gatherings or universities, even high schools. And the, the women would come up afterwards in lines just with these serious issues, just one after the other, after the other. And we began to notice these patterns, these trends that were going on in their relationships and their personal lives and the, the difficulty, the abuse, I mean, just, just so much stuff that they were having to navigate through on their own.
And, you know, they say necessity is the mother of invention. And then just felt like I just wish I had something. I could just hand these women and say, here, this is it. A to Z. This is how to get through these tough single years, uh, without having to lower your standards on your quest for real love.
Here's how to know if a guy's worth dating. Here's how to know, you know, if he really loves you once you are dating and how to keep the thing strong. And, and so we spent a couple years just putting it together and, uh, You know, it's been a blessing to see the fruit of it. I saw one girl decided that the girls at my university need this.
So she put up some signs, Hey, we're gonna do a book study on how to find your soul mate without losing your soul. And a bunch of girls signed up for it. And then it got too big. And so they had to split it up to the next floor of the dorm for another study. And that got too big. And before you knew it, there was a book study on every single floor of the girls' dormitory, uh, going through this book because the girls are hungry, uh, and they look for guidance.
That's not gonna pander them, not gonna water it down, not gonna make 'em feel shameful, but just empower them to be the women. You know, the guy I've created them to be. That's amazing. And the women, like you said, have responded well, how many have you given away? How many have you sold? Do you know, offhand?
Uh, we're in somewhere into the hundreds of thousands. Uh, you know, I haven't kept taps on how much more than that. Um, but it's, it's moved, you know, partly. It resonates with women. And also we make it available at $3 a piece@chastity.com. So you can get a box of 'em at a time and share 'em with the women in your young adult group share 'em, you know, with the theology on tap group or their, you know, high school classmates or whatever, you know, our goal is just, let's just make this dirt cheap and get it out because if women can just get this part of their life relationships, sexuality in the right sweet spot, life becomes so much easier and, and less complicated and difficult.
And so we just wanna come alongside these girls and, and, uh, help them the final love that they deserve. I have a confession to make some, uh, years ago I bought a box of the books and after, uh, I think after Christmas mass or something, I had texted a bunch of my friends and I started, uh, selling 'em out of the trunk.
and, uh, the, the reason for that was, yeah, I wanted them to get 'em out to people who they thought, you know, could use the gift and I sold them for like a dollar more than, than you sold them so that I can do it again. Uh, so I hope that's okay. Little confession? Yeah. On the black market. Yeah. Yeah. Chasity black.
Yeah. No, well man, whatever gets it out there. I mean, and you know, and sometimes I'd keep a stash in my car. I remember I was getting my cut once and ladies starts asking what I do for a living start explaining to her. And she's like, oh wow. She's like, you know, I work at a, a center for women who are leaving, like the sex trade industry and all that.
And wow. You know, and, and, you know, people have been life prostitution, whatever. And she said, oh, we could, we could use a case of them. We'll do study for the girls. So, you know, just brought her a whole load of books out of the car and you know, and they let us study the girls. So you never know when an opportunity's gonna rise.
So kudos for you for keeping a stash in your trunk. And Jason, what do you want for the women who, who read it? What's your hope for them? I, I remember one mom in the Philippines asked me when I was there. She said, if I can tell my daughter, what is love in one sentence, how can she know if a guy really loves her in one sentence and I'm sitting there, I'll see, you know, one sentence.
And I thought, okay, the closer she gets to him, The more, she becomes herself. That's a real of it. Whereas the opposite is the closer you get to this person. You don't even know who you are anymore. And so, uh, I just want these women to feel like themselves again, but sometimes they get stuck in these relationships that are so.
Cloudy and confusion, confusing and difficult and hurtful that, you know, after a few days or weeks or months or years of this, like, you don't even know who you are anymore. Just so disorienting to be in the wrong relationship. So we wanna help orient them in a sense to, to a love that actually makes them feel cherished.
Instead of perhaps just taking advantage of one of the first problems you identify in the book is missionary dating. Would you explain what, what is missionary dating and what's wrong with it? Well, you know, guys and girls are guilty of doing this. I think girls in a particular way, because sometimes they can really see the positive qualities of a guy that he might not even see in himself.
And she dates, she sees like, oh yeah, you know, I know he is got this proper, that crop, but, but we can fix it. It's almost like one of those home makeover, TV shows where you fall in love with this dilapidated property. And then you think of all the potential that's within it. You know, and some girls are dating like that.
Where if the guy was a house, he'd be like some dilapidated haunted. Crack house in Detroit and she's thinking, oh, but you know, we can put a swimming pool in there and I'm gonna get new curtains and it's gonna be brand new and they're not really dating a person. They're dating a project. They're dating their imagination of, of who they hope he can be or who they thought he was when they first met him.
Um, and it's just draining because yeah, someone gets changed in that scenario, but it's not the guy for the better, it's typically the girls for the worse. Hmm. So true. And it's so sad to see that in real life. And I think some listeners may in the back of their head be thinking, but I've seen this situation or that situation where this worked my aunt or my uncle or my friends, you know, was with this guy.
And eventually he turned things around. What would be your response to someone who thinks that, well, maybe it can work some of the time. Yeah. You know, and maybe it can some of the time, but you know, if we're gonna put our money down on, so. This is not the place to put it. Um, I mean, it's an investment that can take years and years and years, and you think, oh, well, our love is stronger.
Our love is stronger. You know, we'll overcome this. Um, but your whole vocation is at stake. I mean, what type of man do you want raising your kids? I mean, do you want the guy raising your kids who, and you've gotta drag him to church and you've gotta beg him not to drink and not to look at porn and not to treat you like garbage.
Like, is that really what you want for your own life? Probably not. And so I would say don't date somebody hoping they're gonna change into a different person, date, someone hoping they're gonna stay the way that they are for good. You know, otherwise, like I said, you're just dating your imagination. And so torture is really a time where the person is typically on their best behavior.
And, uh, I'm sorry if their best behavior is pretty bad that don't expect for things to get better as time goes off, because like the best indication of the, the future of a relationship in the past, As the past is tumultuous and difficult and full of bickering and whatever infidelity, jealousy, I, you know, it's, it's a bit naive to expect.
It's gonna be sunshine, roses and lollipops. You know, if you just try harder and that's often how they make you feel, well, if you just did this or you just didn't do that, then I wouldn't have done this. And that's just not a healthy dynamic. I couldn't agree more. You give a list of the top 10 guys to avoid.
We do describe one or two of them. We can't go through through all of 'em of course. But you, would you describe a couple? Yeah. One, one, you know, one of the biggest ones is the flip Flo, you know, we're one minute, you know, you are the best things to slice bread, the whole world, the revolves around you. And the next minute he's not even answering his cell phone, not picking, not returning your text messages.
And then he is kinda goes dark for a while. And then he kind of thinks he's end into this other girl maybe, but then he is back with you and he, you know, oh no, you're the one I. And if you put your heart in the hands of a guy like that, I mean, it is a emotional rollercoaster that will take a significant toll on you.
And so nobody can take you out of that situation. You have to choose to unplug yourself and be like, you know what? I don't need some indecisive flip floppy boy, because the fact is, men are simple creatures. If we wanna be with a woman, we'll, we'll act in such a fashion. Uh, and, and so girls don't need to stay up at night creating 10,000 excuses and, you know, justifications for why he's not, oh, well, maybe he's really busy and you know, maybe this and maybe that it's like, no, if a guy, everyone deserves to be with someone who wants to be with them and you as a woman deserve those things.
And so you should hold out for it. And so that was one of the guys we really highlighted in there. And then the other guy is another one. Just one more is the kind of the smooth. And meaning by that, he's not gonna pressure you too much to do sexual things, but he'll literally take everything that you're willing to give.
And I remember one guy came up to me after a chance that he talked at his school before I was heading over to the all girls school. And he said, do you ever tell the girls that we tell them we're okay. Not doing something sexual, just so that they'll give it to us. And I said, yeah, I actually do point that out to them that there are guys out there like that who think that it's the girl's job to be the Chasity cop.
And he can push the envelope gently and quote unquote, respectfully. And Hey, if she's willing to do it, I'm okay with it. If she's not willing that I'm okay, but he's never really gonna lead that relationship in a positive direction. He's just gonna continue inch by inch to see how much he can take as much as she's willing to give.
And that's not the guy you want to end up with. You want a guy? Who's gonna realize that. Hey, guess what? Like girls have temptations too. It's not just the guy. and when she's tempted, he needs to be strong. Instead of every time she's tempted that both of them fall. And so you, you know, those are just two of the 10 guys that we kinda highlight in the book.
Um, but we, that's how we start. The book is jumping right into that whole section because, you know, girls need to realize like you are not alone in your desire to find authentic love, and you're not alone in your frustration and how difficult it's been up to this point. But if we could just weed out the wrong kind of guys to get started, You're you're definitely gonna be offer the right on the right foot.
Absolutely. You make the distinction between love and being in love. Would you explain the difference there? Yeah. Being in love is a part of love. It's it's fun. It's exciting. It's, you know, it's a beautiful experience. And I think everybody, you know, I hope everyone gets experience that. Um, but that it in itself is not love.
It's just the, the beginning, the kindling, so to speak before the fire and, uh, love on the other hand is not a feeling. It is an act of will that consists of doing what's best for the other person. And so if you have all the Twitter paid infatuated, feelings of love for someone, but you're not really willing to sacrifice and do what's best for that other person, call it whatever you want.
It's not. And so love as desire is the beginning. And then it blooms into this union. I want to be together with this person, but if it does not mature into a love of good will of I'm willing to do what's best for this person, then it is love. And so this is why you got guys saying girls like, well, if you love me, you do this with me tonight.
It's like, dude, if he loved you, he wouldn't be asking for it in the first place that isn't love. You know, he's trying to guilt you into ING him instead of actually dying to himself to do what's best for. And so a woman needs to listen to her heart and to her conscience instead of falling for the counterfeit infatuation, instead of the full type of sacrificial love that she deserves when it comes to dating, you say that there's some wrong reasons today, and there's some right reasons today.
What are some of the wrong reasons? What are some of the right reasons? Well, wrong reasons could be just, just pure loneliness. You know, I gotta fill this void and, uh, you know, or, or for social reasons, you know, everybody has a boyfriend, I wanna have a boyfriend, you know, obviously those superficial reasons, but, you know, under.
You know, in that moment is that ache, that desire for communion. It's a good thing, you know, it really is, but we need to be, make sure that am I capable of being happily single? Like, do I have purpose in my life? Do I have mission? Do I have community friendship, family, faith? Like, do I, have I got my stuff together?
Or am I expecting this relationship to be almost like an idol, that's gonna make everything great, you know, and wonderful and perfect. And you know, once I get that, it's gonna, everything's gonna be great. And some people make an idol out of dating. Some people make an idol out of marriage and they think, oh, well, once I get a spouse, you know, or once I get those kids and I, then I'm gonna be a happy person, then I'm not gonna be so much this or so much that, um, but we've gotta realize.
All idols are meant to be broken. And CS Lewis even said, all idols will break the hearts of their worshipers. And so we've gotta make sure that we're putting God on the throne of our heart, not a human person. So good. I remember Matt Fred saying once that he was speaking to, to women and he said, it is better for you to be alone than to be with a man who's not worthy of your love.
And that, that is a hard truth, but it's an important one, isn't it? Yeah. You know, I often tell the girls, it's also, it's a much better thing to be disappointed in some guys than to be disappointed in yourself for settling for a guy who's only half the man that you deserve. And so, yeah, loneliness, the single years can be difficult and frustrating.
Um, but it's important that you not lower your morals and, and settling for something, cuz I mean, you know what? I can get you a date tonight. If you really wanna date, I can get on Tinder and swipe this way in that. And we can get you all set up within a matter of moments, but the difference between quantity and quality.
And so, you know, if you lower the bar low enough, you can get a significant quantity, but it's not the quality that you deserve. And it's never gonna satisfy that ache. Like you said, that we all have in our hearts. Yeah. I mean, we, what we long for is something, you know, that, that takes time, that requires patience, you know, faith in God and trust.
And you know, it, it can be a long and painful process because it's like, God, I know my desires are good. I just, I wanna start my vocation. I want, you know, godly spouse, a beautiful family. And it's nowhere in sight. And like, God, how come, what I want does not seem to be what you want from me today. And in that is a very.
Heavy cross, you know, and God wants to meet us in that cross and walk with us, you know, so that he can show to us, you know, what he's doing in that time of solitude in that, in that time of patient waiting my generation as a millennial, we want everything. Now we want instant gratification. And I think we need to remember that masterpieces aren't built overnight.
They don't happen overnight. Yeah. So it just, it takes time to, to find that love to find the right person. And that's just the starting point. I mean, you know, I I'm married now. Yeah. Did you, did you go through that as well? Would you say? Yeah, I, I would say so when I was starting my dating relationships, I wanted to, you know, kind of dive head long and figure out is this the person I'm gonna marry?
That was one of it. Like, I wanna know now, God, like, I don't wanna wait six months. I don't wanna whi year, I wanna know now. And then, you know, once I got further along, I, I wanted to know, okay, I wanna build a really good and beautiful relationship, but I wasn't very patient with the process. And I think that is a struggle with so many people, uh, in, in my generation.
So yeah, I would say I absolutely. I dealt with that, but I like to think of Olympians, professional athletes, uh, you know, artists like Michael Angelo when they're working for gold, right. When they're going pro, when they're building some sort of a masterpiece, it takes time. It just does not happen overnight.
And it amazes me that some, you know, architects or builders, uh, in years past they would spend generations. Cathedral and the cathedral was absolutely gorgeous, but the grandfather didn't see its completion. The father didn't see its completion. It was the grandson who finally finished it and they were so willing to put in their life to, to build something beautiful.
And I think we all need to take that approach. Yeah. Yeah. I think it was Theo, um, in Milan took 800. Years to build. Now, imagine how cranky your parishioners would build. If the parish committee couldn't get that, you know, , you know, parish hall built for 800 years, but you know, good, good wine takes more time, so, Hmm, amen.
So good. And the right reasons to date, there really is only one isn't there. Yeah, no, I mean, there's, there's only one reason to date and that is to find a spouse. Um, it is, you know, marital discernment. It is purposeful. It's clear. It's intentional. Um, it's not born out of desperation, desolation and loneliness.
Um, yeah, there, there could be some aloneness and ache there behind it. Yeah. It's finds natural, but the, the driving force is like, God, is this not only is this the right person, but is this the right. You know, do I, do I have my ducks in a row? You know, am I ready to enter into my own vocation or prepare seriously for it?
Or do I have some, some skeletons in the closet, some junk that I really need to sort out before I invite someone into, into my life in that way? Yeah. I think one illusion that we take into marriage often is that it's gonna fix our problems, but you and I both know it just magnifies any problems that are already there.
So we really do. Yeah. It just creates more. Yeah. And it creates more. Right. So when you really do need to take time to, to heal, shifting to, uh, the next chapter, love your spouse before you meet him, that's what you tell the women. You encourage them to love their husbands before they even meet him. Why is that important?
Well, you know, on your wedding day, you're gonna promise, you know, I will be true to you. I will love you all the days of my life. Okay. Well, today is a day of your life. You know, why don't we honor and love our spouses before we even meet them, by the way that we live our lives. So if I'm a single guy. And I'm looking at porn or using women.
What, what am I just gonna meet? One of those women not use her and then promise to love her forever. It's like, well, let's be faithful to our spouses before we even meet them in the sense that I'm preparing my, my body, my heart, my mind, my soul, you know, for this vocation that God might call us to together.
And, and so that's a, it's just a way to, to put everyth all the sacrifices and context they're in the context of love. Like, why am I not sleeping around? Why am I looking at porn for love of my God, for love of my future spouse, for love of just women in general. That I respect. Um, love is the motivating power behind these things, not guilt or repression or what have you love that?
I think it was NCHE who said, you know, give a man a why and he can endure almost any how so we really need to keep love at the center of chassis. It's not this arbitrary repression, but it really is to make love more beautiful, stronger, more authentic. Mm-hmm yeah, yeah. That, I mean, if you don't understand the connection between Chasity and love, the Chasity is not gonna last in.
Neither will love, um, the, the, the two sink or swim together. Some people listening may not be familiar with the virtue of chastity. Would you explain what is it and what are some of the benefits? Yeah. Well, chastity is a virtue kind like courage or honesty, but one that applies to your sexuality and it doesn't eliminate your sexual desires or attractions.
What it does is it orders. According to the demands of authentic love. And so, you know, when you see like, you know, I say driving down the street and I see, you know, a woman jogging down the street and you know, let's say she's not wearing a whole lot of clothing, you know, there there's a moment there there's a choice.
How do I look at her? How do I see that as that that's passing by, you know, there may be the initial instinct of the sexual attraction, but now okay. There's a sexual value there for sure. But is that sexual value greater than that? Woman's personal value. No, the personal value is above the sexual value.
And so at Chasity, he does, it helps to arrange those in right order where, where you may be tempted to look at someone as some thing to be used for your gratification. Chasity helps to take that desire and say, no, no, no. Remember human being first, she is first and foremost, a daughter of the king of heaven, your sister in humanity.
And, uh, instead of being tempted to look and think as, as women, as things to be used for our enjoyment, Chasity helps to order those desires, right? So not simply in what we think, but what we look at, how we speak, how we act and, you know, for a single person, it would involve abstinence. And even for a married person, chastity involves abstinence at times in marriage when that's necessary, but that can be a part of married life as well.
But it's just the proper use of the gift of our sexuality, according to whatever our state and life will be. Um, but it frees you. I mean, it frees you to know, uh, it frees you to love. because if I can't say no to my sexual desires, my yes. Means nothing. But then it also frees, you know, if you're being loved, because if a woman takes a sexual element out of a dating relationship, Watch how the guy reacts to it.
I mean, does he have an anaphylactic meltdown? Does he get pouty? And petant distant, whiny and withdrawn because he's not getting what he wants. Well, what did he really want you to begin with? Or did he only want the pleasure he was getting at your expense? And so that virtue of chest that he brings to the surface, another person's intentions to see if it's love or simply loss.
And at the core of chastity is self mastery. And I think it's so important to point that out because this virtue doesn't mean that you're gonna have a great marriage, right? It's not the only virtue that you need, but that virtue of self mastery does extend to other areas of your life. And it is an essential ingredient to have a great marriage.
Is that right? Oh, absolutely. I mean, it's the integration of our sexual desires, not, you know, and some people say, well, what am I supposed to do? Just, you know, repress all my desires to make God happy or indulge in them to make myself happy. But, you know, repression is not pleasing to God and indulgence will not bring you joy.
The the real alternative is that of the integration of your sexual desires of that virtue of chastity. And that's what God's calling us too. In the book, you talk about the love test. What is that? And how can a woman use it? Uh, well, the love test is when, like, let's say you're in a relationship with a guy, maybe things have gone too far, or you're just getting started.
And you kinda announced to him your standards when it comes to sexual morality, or you take the sex out of the relationship, but basically the element of marriage, the forms of affection that are really proper to spousal love. And you say I'm saving that for when I have a spouse and you watch how the guy reacts and you're only gonna get one of three reactions reaction number.
Is, you know, he freaks out what, you know, are you some prude? Like, do you not like me anymore? You like some other guy and, and he gets angry or distant or pout or whatever, you know, if that's his reaction, then you, you know, very clearly what you're dealing with and you should get out. The second reaction is he acts like he's okay with it.
Oh, well, if that's what you wanna do, I respect that. But then you wait three weeks and back of the same old stuff. Well, can we at least do this? Can we at least do that? And he, like, he really doesn't get it. The reaction I'm looking for is not where he is just willing to wait for you. You know, like a dog, that'll wait for a treat that you balance on his nose.
He's actually willing to wait with you that if you're tempted, he could be strong. And so that's the reaction you're looking for is the guy who would agree with you yet. These are the moral principles that I wanna live by as well. Or maybe if he doesn't fully understand them yet, he's open to learning and you explaining them or sharing some good books and CDs with him.
And you can grow in this virtue together, but you just wanna really be careful he's self-motivated and you're not the one always having to be the Chas to be cop. And so, you know, that's the basic love test, and then you watch his reaction and you can gauge from that where his true desire is like, cuz if he really loves you, then if you take the sexual stuff out, guess what?
He still has. You you're right there. Uh, what you're taking out is the pleasure. If you removed the pleasure and then he leave. It shows that's all, all he was ever after to begin with. He's forced to choose between the person and the pleasure. That's really good. I like that. Yep. It's a, it's a great tool for, for any woman to use.
One analogy you think of is like a cigarette smoker. Doesn't really want a cigarette. A, a cigarette smoker wants the feeling. He gets from the nicotine, from the cigarette, because when he is done with that cigarette, he just flicks it with the curve and the gutter. He didn't ever want the cigarette. He just wanted a feeling.
And sometimes guys date like that, or he's not really after the woman properly speaking, he's only seeing her as an asset that can get him what he wants through her. And, and that's just not love. And a woman knows it in her heart. There's some couples listening right now. Jason, who genuinely wanna live a pure life.
They wanna chase relationship, but they're struggling. You know, they keep falling for one reason or another. What advice would you give to, to couples in that situation? Well, one thing is you you've gotta avoid the occasion of sin. Like if, you know, Well, yeah, well, we've been hanging out at her apartment at 11 o'clock at night, you know, watching a movie and you're on, on a couch and there's no one else living there.
Like what do you think's gonna happen? You know, I remember buddy of mine's youth minister in east LA and a teen came to his door, knock, knock, knock. He said, Hey, Chris, I feel really bad. I had sex with my girlfriend, Chris, what happened? Well, I was over a house. Her parents were there and one thing just kinda led to another.
Chris said, okay, don't go to her house. When her parents aren't there. And the guy's like, oh, that's a good point. Week later, kid knocks the door. Oh, Hey Chris, I feel very bad. I slept with my girlfriend again. Chris's like what happened? He said, oh, this is my girlfriend's house. Parents were there. And you know, it just happened.
Chris said, Hey, here's an idea. Don't go to her house. When her parents aren't there. The kid's like, oh, that's a good idea. Week later it did happen. And like the kid just didn't get it. Like. Spend more time in public mm-hmm , uh, you know, if you can't be together in private alone, you also have to ask yourself, are we ready to date spiritually, emotionally?
Are we mature enough? Or are we just fallen flat on our face and hurting each other, even though we don't intend to. And you, you, you might need to take a little break, a little retreat from the relationship not to run off and date somebody else, but to get your, your stuff together, you know, maybe the guy needs to work on something privately, whether it's some addiction he has pornography or this or that, that wasn't quite dealt with.
Maybe you can get a good spiritual director, you know, maybe there's stuff she's going through. Maybe counseling is needed somewhere. And so to make sure that you can, you know, it's gonna be part of the fight. It's gonna be a battle. You're gonna take your hits. You're not always gonna win, but you gotta make sure you're in this thing together.
You're dedicated to prayer. You're avoiding the, you know, the inclination of sin or the occasions of sin. And, uh, just making sure you're accountable. It's not just her and you against the world. Like you gotta have people in your life who know what's going on, you know, that can call you to a higher virtue.
And, uh, and having that accountability is a big piece too. And my wife and I use this when we were dating, I know ideally, you know, you should be able to be alone with a woman and not be tempted to use her, but sexual desire is a real thing and we gotta be smart. We can't overlook our weaknesses. And so one thing my wife and I would do when we were dating was if we were gonna be alone, uh, isolated, we, you know, we try to go out in public and avoid just being isolated.
But if we were, we would do this thing called no touch. Where we literally would just not touch each other. And we would, you know, act as if we were friends, watch a movie, play a game, do something like that. And it worked. And so, you know, like you're saying best, avoid it all together. But if, for some reason, like during a quarantine, for example, you're in a situation where you can't, I highly recommended that.
And honestly it built our friendship cuz we were forced not to just focus on the romance, the affection, but actually talk to each other. And so that was a really beautiful thing. Yeah. And another thing, you know, following your advice, I would check in with one of my best friends every week on Sunday, I'd shoot, 'em a text or I would give 'em a call and just tell 'em how, how the week went.
Like, you know, was this, was it a week where, you know, we struggled, we fell or was. A good week where there's some victories. And I know for me, I know I'm being vulnerable with everyone right here, but this stuff actually worked for me. And it was so helpful both to do that, no touch rule thing, uh, when it was needed.
And then on the other hand, have someone who I knew I was gonna have to tell them, Hey, you know, I messed up here or, or this went really well. I had a victory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, it's just so key. Not going lone ranger on all this stuff, because otherwise you can end up in this cycle for years of like, oh, we messed up.
I feel bad. So do I let's try again. Oh, we messed up. I feel bad. So do I, let's try again, you know, have an accountability can help not only call you on, but like be a reminder before you do that of like, uh, do I really wanna have to tell this person again that I messed up again? No, let's, let's, let's skip it this time.
So having that account. Just keeps, keeps you in check a little bit more. Jason, some women are with men who just aren't good for them, really bad for them. And often the women make excuses for those men. They make excuses for their bad behavior. And so I'm curious, what are some of the most common excuses that you've heard women make?
And what's your response to, to some of those we can't cover all of them, but just a few, if you would. Yeah, well, I wanna like, well, you know, he came from a bad family and he is really been through a lot or, you know, he's under a lot of stress and just an infinite number of things, but that all typically show a real lack of emotional maturity in the man.
And so she's trying to come up with excuses for him so that he doesn't have to actually man up for his behavior and be like, yeah, you know, I shouldn't be behaving like this at all. And I literally begged the woman get out, just please just get out of the relationship go. And if you can't do it for love of yourself, do it for love of your future kids.
They deserve more stable, peaceful home environment than this guy is likely to ever be able to provide. And, you know, I know it's hard because a woman will hold onto a vision, a dream she has of like, no, no, I see what the future can be. And if we just try harder and we try one more time, but you know, if, if he's treating like garbage, one thing can do write it down, make a diary.
And, uh, you know, and just take a journal, you know, today he said this and he did that and he didn't do this. And this happened, that happened. Okay. Just jot it down. As soon as it happens, get it verbatim, put it down, um, and keep doing that because you can argue with your memory and your feelings, but you can't argue with your handwriting.
And when it's there in the ink and you see that pattern playing itself out day after day, week after week, it's sober. And sometimes that's, what's needed to get that reality check of like have I'm I'm diluting myself and thinking that things are just gonna get better if I just wait long enough and just put on a Cape and just try to be superwoman or wonder woman and just try harder and try harder.
Like it's not your job to be his mother or his Messiah. You know that that's for somebody else, it's your job to be his partner in a relationship. And if he doesn't have the emotional maturity to return the favor to you, then you're gonna end up feeling like you're both taking care of the same person in the relationship and that's him.
And that's just not a healthy relationship. In my opinion, in order to, to walk away you and Chris Lina tell women, you need to grow a backbone, you need to grow a backbone. Why is it so necessary for a woman to grow a backbone? And what are some practical ways that she can do that? Well, one is you've gotta know beforehand what it is you really want.
When it comes to dating and relationship. Cause if you don't really know what you want, unfortunately you can end up settling for something that's much less than you really desire. And so if you don't know what you're looking for, you don't really have a, a map of destination map. You can spend so many years just kind of wandering aimlessly in the wilderness, hoping you're gonna just stumble into the right thing.
And so know what you want beforehand and have the guts to stick to it. Because you know, if it's time to break off that relationship and you feel like you don't have the backbone, one thing I really recommend, even if you do have a backbone to get a breakup buddy, meaning someone who knows the situation, who knows you, who loves you and is gonna be by your side, that when you're tempted to text him at two o'clock in the morning, you text her instead and you go eat a gallon of ice cream with her and watch an ice chick flick and just get away from it all.
Like don't try to break off alone because there's gonna be so many moments where you feel weak to go back and then you can end up breaking up with the same guy five times. And it just takes an emotional toll where you keep thinking, no, this time it'll be different because what's frustrating is it's almost like every time you start to pull away, that's when he begins to exhibit his best behavior.
And it creates this vicious cycle of like, no, this time it'll be different. And it just keeps looping you back back for more. And, uh, it's just terribly painful to live through that. So you gotta learn how to trust your gut and let go of that, which was never meant to be because you're really, in my opinion, potentially clogging up your love life with someone who is never really meant for you in the first place.
And that's painful to admit, but what's more painful than admitting it is spending a lifetime denying it. And then ending up with someone who. Is not gonna be the best person for you on somewhat of a separate note. Uh, how can a woman balance between keeping her standards high? Right. So important, keeping her standards high yet at the same time, not expecting her spouse, her future spouse to be flawless.
Yeah. I mean, if, if you're holding out for Mr. Absolutely flawless, you know, flawless looking flawless income, flawless spirituality, flawless dis flawless, the flaws, not in him, it's in you, you know, because we we're human beings. We're gonna have shortcomings, we're gonna have failings. And, uh, and we all know that, you know, I, I think unfortunately, most women are not falling into that category.
Most women, I think, fall into the category of not having high enough standards, but, you know, in my opinion, you wanna shoot for the SARS. You want to keep that standard high and, and, you know, make a list of what you really want in the future. And then really step back and okay. Is this realistic? I want him to not take drugs and not look at porn to want to lead me closer to God.
Like these are not unrealistic expectations. These are standards. And so women, I think if anything, just need to be reassured. That they're not studying, setting their standards too high, because I believe that a man can be as much of a gentleman as a woman requires if a civilization of women aren't requiring much from their gentleman.
Unfortunately they're not gonna end up with much from the gentleman. And so I think as a civilization, women would do well to put those standards super high and leave them there. One of the thing that sabotages love is hooking up and hooking up is easier now than ever with apps like Tinder and the million other apps out there.
Why is hooking up so toxic? Well, it's just basically the opposite of what we really want, because I mean, if you think what men are afraid of, sometimes it's, they're afraid of initiating and committing and giving of themselves. And then women are kind of afraid of, well, I'm not really worth the effort.
I'm not really worth the pursuit cause I might end up alone. So I'll settle for whatever. And if you look at where those two fears collide, it's hooking up where the man's not really giving himself, the woman's not expecting anything more and we're just becoming slaves or weaknesses. And this is just mutual use and you think, well, it's not bad.
I mean, we both agree to it. It's like, no, it's just it's mutual use. It could be like emotional prostitution in exchange for physical prostitution where, you know, he's given her love for the sake of getting sex and she's given him sex for the sake of feeling loved. Like this isn't giving it's using and the human heart is made for better than that.
So the woman who's listening right now, who feels stuck in the hookup culture, what advice would you give her for getting out of that? Um, one, like I had mentioned before, you gotta get some accountability. You need some friends to get around you and, and better ones. Cuz maybe the friends that are around you have not been very supportive.
Maybe they're the ones knocking at your doors saying, Hey, let's go club in this weekend and back with the same old junk. And so you've gotta take a good, honest look like because a friend of mine said, friends are like elevators. They either take you up or they take you down. And so you gotta take a look like what direction am I being taken here by my own friends?
Because you always become like your friend. So I think that's one of the biggest key pieces is friendships. And then look at your cell phone. Like are there contacts on there? That you have no business having that, you know, when that guy calls or whatever, you know, what he's interested in, or people that you you're following on social media that show up in your Instagram or Facebook feed that you need to start unfollowing because you don't even need to be seeing that imagery or those messages that they're getting off.
Um, and so just, just take a good, honest look. Like, what is it you really want? You know, it's not this you're made for so much more and it doesn't matter. You know, my wife always says it doesn't matter what you've done, where you've been, all that matters now is where you go from here. And so just because the past has been messy, doesn't mean that your future's gone, your future's still spotless and that's all yours.
It's like a book and yeah, maybe the first 40 pages haven't been so pleasant, but the rest of the book of the script, it's. You get to put on those pages, whatever you want. And so just realize that it's, it's that way with God that every morning his mercies are new, so good. And that advice of getting new friends is life changing.
I know for me when I was, uh, young and when I was 11 years old, I was hanging around with my sports buddies and, uh, one of em introduced me to pornography. Another one, the mom would let us watch our rated movies as 12 year olds. And, uh, just exposes so much crap to be honest. And, uh, once I met new friends, uh, my life started to change.
And so I, I love that advice. Oh yeah, no. I mean, I, I remember having friends, exact same thing in junior high and high school where one of my buddies, his, his, his mom paid for him to have a subscription to Playboy magazine. Hm. And it's like, what are you thinking? And, and going to the, you know, blockbuster video back when you get, you know, DVDs and videos there and the mom, like not caring what we're checking out with.
Like, I'm like, wow, this, this lady really doesn't care. Like we can get anything we want under her watch. And it's just like, you know, when we don't have parents that aren't vigilant, you know, sometimes we're getting get exposed to, you know, a lot more junk than we need to. Unfortunately, I mean, I was blessed with parents who were vigilant.
But then I'd go other parents' house. It wasn't the same way, unfortunately. Yeah, no, me too. I was playing, you know, grand theft auto down the street, even though my mom would never allow that. And so it, it, you really do need to take an assessment of the people you're surround yourself with. Yeah. In the book you say that it's important to understand when it comes to sexuality, men and women are wired differently.
Would you explain that? Yeah. And this is not to say that women obviously don't have sexual desires. They do, but I, I tend to find, operate a little differently, whereas they can say a woman could be compared almost like to an iron, or if you plug in an iron. You know, at first it's not hot or you wait a little, okay.
Now it's getting warmer. Okay. Now it's hot. Oh, what? Now it's searing hot. It just takes a little bit more time. Whereas with a guy, his sexuality tends to operate a little bit more like a light bulb. You flip the switch and it's on immediately, meaning that, you know, if you're with your boyfriend and you're just cuddling or whatever on a couch together, she might be perfectly content with only that, oh, this is nice for clothes.
We're cuddling, whatever. Whereas with the guy, he might be thinking, Hey, you know, this is what's happening now. You know what could be happening five minutes from now, I'm already getting, you know, excited, whatever. And so just to try to have regard for the fact that we're wired a little bit differently to help, uh, that virtue of chastity develop in him, uh, just by avoid.
You know, the, the things that might get, because I remember meeting one girl and she told me, she told the boyfriend, now, now all we're gonna do is make out. We're not gonna do anything more than make out. And the boyfriend's like, okay, whatever, you know? And then, you know, after a couple of weeks or whatever, doing that, you know, he said to her don't you ever just get bored?
She said, no, I don't. And he said, well, I do, because it was stirring up all these desires that she just had to slam the brakes on mm-hmm so it's, it's, it's much better to, I think what you'll find is the more pure you, the easier it is be pure. Uh, whereas where you kind of sit on the fence and saying, we don't do this, and we're still gonna do that.
It then makes it a lot more difficult, cuz you're revving up all these desires and then having to repeatedly slam on the breaks. You know, it's only a matter of time before the breaks, give out shifting gears a little bit. You and I both know that women are under such pressure in our culture to have flawless bodies have the perfect Instagram.
How should women respond to that pressure from society? Well, I think two things. One is that women should take an active role in shaping. Society of being like, you know what, I'm gonna start a, you know, modest line clothing or, you know, bathing suit line. You can, you can make it cute and fashionable without having to be so small.
And I'm gonna show you how you can do that. And, you know, I know women that have done this, that have actively entered into the fashion industry that transform it from within, instead of constantly complaining about it. I had heard of some girls that were shopping in, I think in Norstrom or something, and everything was like low cut this and super tight that, and, and they just wrote a letter to the manager.
Like, dude, we want more modest clothing options. And they started getting signatures and petitions. And before you knew it, you know, the department store actually brought these girls on as fashion consultants to help change the wardrobe selections for teenage girls in the store and like change can be made.
Uh, and so that's active an activist role, I think is important. But then another big piece you gotta look at. Is how you look at yourself. I mean, look at the, the, the most, the women in the world who have the most perfect bodies, like, do they have the most perfect loving relationships in their lives? No.
They often have the most dysfunctional ones. Now think of the people, you know, that do have the most perfect love. Do they have perfect bodies? No, they're probably like 85 years old and overweight and wrinkly, but they have love because the perfect body doesn't get you. Perfect loves. And, and woman has attempted saying, well, you look at that woman on the magazine.
If I look like that, I I'd have love too. Well, not necessarily. I think you have to begin by loving yourself and by loving yourself, I don't mean being infatuated with yourself of like, oh, I've got the greatest body in the world, cuz frankly. You're gonna lose that contest. And so am I, I mean, only one woman gets to be the most beautiful in a woman and woman in the world.
And she's probably not listening to this show. The most beautiful man in the world is not hosting this show or being interviewed on this show. And that's okay because it, it's not a contest to be on the top of the pile, you know, it's to be able to say, you know, I like who I am as a human being and I'm living a purposeful life.
And, uh, and once you have, cause you ultimately wanna be loved, not because your body is so flaw. You wanna be loved because who you are with all your flaws. I'm a little offended by that, but I will, uh, I'll chiller it's okay. You're in the top 10, but I dunno, top five question. So it's a little bit of a stretch.
Uh, you in talking about friendship, you encourage women to find their bridesmaids first, then their groom. Why that order, um, one, you need that sisterhood, not only for the accountability, but a lot of times when a girl gets in a relationship with a guy and he becomes her everything. A lot of times, maybe she gets married young, 19, 20, 21, whatever.
And then like five years in a marriage, she just gets itchy. Like, wait a minute. I never traveled to Europe with my friends. I never, you know, figured out my career. I never did this. I never did that. Everything was the boy, the boy, the boy, the boy. And, and it can end up stifling the relationship quite a bit and even make her resent him to some extent.
And so I think it's important that you, you find yourself and your fellow sisters before you find your soul, you tell the women not to play house. What what's wrong with living together before you're married. I know this topic really deserves its own episode, but, uh, in, in a few words, what would you say is wrong with living together before you're.
Well, sociologically speaking, there is no benefit whatsoever to marital stability or happiness by living together prior to marriage. In fact, those who cohabit prior to marriage actually have a higher divorce rate, higher infidelity rate, higher rate of domestic abuse. I mean, it goes on and on and on.
This is not the way to prepare for marriage by playing house, because essentially what you're doing is starting the whole thing off on the wrong foot of a trial marriage of like, Hey, we're gonna give this a shot because if you're not all, I think your crack up to date, and I wanna know that a door is still open for me to exit through, well, that's really starting things off on a wrong foot.
And people say, oh, well just financially, it makes more sense. You know, I just split the rent and whatever, but you know, I think what we've got right here is a culture of single people who pretend like they're dating the culture of dating people who behave like they're married. And the fruit of that is a culture of married people who seem to think they're single.
Everything's outta order. And so if we are not married, we shouldn't pretend to be husband and wife. So women listening, like if you're single, don't pretend like you are his girlfriend, you're not his girl. If you're his girlfriend don't behave like his wife. And if you're his wife live as one, and imagine if guys would just do the same thing, I mean, relationships would become so much simpler.
A lot of women listening right now come from broken homes. And I think so often, so many of us have seen brokenness around us when it comes to marriage. So many divorces, so much separation and. I think that's part of the reason why we fear going into marriage. And so instead, like you said, so well, we'd kind of tiptoe into it.
Uh, you mentioned some of the statistics, I'm just curious. Uh, why do you think it is? Why is it that couples that live together before the wedding are more likely to get divorced? And like I mentioned, so many people listening comes from that and were afraid of repeating the divorce. We don't want that.
Yeah. I mean, there could be, I mean, there are a number of reasons. I mean, uh, you know, one reason being, you know, people who refuse to go habit typically might have, you know, religious reasons behind that, of morality and things of that. And those things could be beneficial to marital stability in the future.
Um, but if you look at, I think one of the biggest reasons is. You know, what do you need the most in marriage, patience, you know, sacrifice, putting other person first, you know, all, all that stuff that that's what you need for marriage, but you don't learn any of that by cohabiting. You don't learn patience by rushing ahead of your wedding date.
You don't learn self control by sleeping with your boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn't train you in faithfulness when you don't really even have to say no to your own desires on a daily basis physically. And so the, the very things that make mirrors laugh, the patient's self control, uh, all, all that.
You're training yourself in, by waiting for that big day. And it just makes it more special. Cause like, I mean, if you're already living together and sleeping together and all that, and then you get married, how is life really that different? I mean, you go through a ceremony, you get a piece of paper, you get some new Tupperware and silverware, whatever.
And then back life as usual mm-hmm um, And so marriage should be an exclusive lifelong, permanent union with another person. And you cannot test drive something that by its very nature is permanent. You're either all in or you're all out. And so thinking we can tiptoe into marriage is like thinking we can tiptoe into relationship by hooking up first.
Well, I don't really wanna date her, but you know, we'll kind of do this and, you know, see what happens and if it works out, maybe we'll end up dating. It's the wrong way to enter dating. It's the wrong way to enter a marriage. We've already spoken quite a bit about breaking up. Is there any additional advice you'd give to a woman who knows that she should break up with her boyfriend, with the guy she's with, but she's.
Yeah, well, they, they say courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the judgment that something is more important than your fear. So it's okay. You're afraid. It's okay. Let yourself feel that feeling. You don't need to stuff it, you don't need to repress it. It's okay to feel afraid. But I think the real thing you should be afraid of is staying with him.
The real thing you should be afraid of is what you're missing out in your life. By not letting go by living off of this trail of bread, crumbs from this guy when God would rather give you a feast somewhere else. And so don't starve yourself and this relationship, I mean the biggest choice you will ever make in your life is that of a spouse.
And if your boyfriend does not have the qualities that you know you want, and a husband, girl, get. And don't look in the rearview mirror and will it hurt? Will it sting? Yeah. But that thing's gonna go away and you're paying a price and letting go, but that's an investment and it's gonna be worth it. It's gonna pay off.
I really believe that. I mean, I really don't know that I've met any girl who's ever broken up with a guy and looked back and regretted that and be like, oh gee, I wish I put up with it for another couple of years. Typically by the time you're out. And you're seeing things more clearly, uh, you'll experience the, the, the fruit of the piece that comes.
I've heard it said that when you overcome fear, you feel free. And in this case you're free to love. Yeah. I mean, you could stand at the edge of that cliff, you know, jumping down on the, like you go cliff dive and you're kind of stand at the edge. And so harrowing and afraid. I don't know I do this is, this is this the right decision to make like, oh, it looks so far down, but then when you jump off and you splash the water and you laugh, it's like, okay, I.
And that fear immediately gets replaced with something else. And yeah, it it's scary. Um, but to me, it's a lot, nothing scarier than living outside of the will of God. And so if this relationship has not brought peace and purity and, and joy in your life, you know, like I said, everyone deserve to be someone who really wants to be with them.
And if you really wants to be with you, he'll love you. He'll cherish you and he'll treat you that way. Jason, just a curious question here. Why do you think that a lot of girls date jerks? You, you know the saying nice guys. Finish last. I'm just curious. You have your take on that. Yeah. Um, you know, one thing is a, I think a lack of emotional maturity on the one's behalf.
Of really seriously. What is the purpose of dating? Is this adventure? Is this like a movie where I'm gonna fix the bad boy and I'm gonna tame him and I'm gonna make him finally faithful to me and me alone. Like it's some game like it's some contest. So there could be a real lack of emotional maturity on the woman's behalf.
You also could have a deeper psychological thing going on where maybe her father was cold or distant or difficult to please, or a rebel or, or whatever. And it almost feels like if she can win the affection of a boyfriend, it's almost like she's winning the affection of the dad that she feels she never really.
Maybe she feels like she lost out on that love of a father. Um, but when she meets guys who are similar to his temperament or has his, his, his lack of maturity, they kind of gravitate towards such guys. And it's sad because I mean, I had her a roommate once in, in San Diego that I live with and he met this beautiful girl once San Diego state university and they started seeing each other and then she broke up with him and she said, you know, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I don't date, nice guys.
I only date jerks. And she actually said that, wow. And, and it was so sad. It was like, man, she, she missed out on an awesome guy and a potentially awesome future because she apparently didn't think she deserved better. Yeah. And if anyone listening is curious about learning more about kind of why we do that, why we tend to repeat our, the mistakes we saw in our families, our parents' mistakes.
Listen to episode 13, we brought in a psychologist, a friend of mine who has her doctorate in psychology, and she kinda explained what's going on underneath the hood. And, uh, so real, really good episode, if you're interested in understanding kinda why we repeat our parents' mistakes, or like Jason said, we tend to seek to rewrite a broken story, uh, after the fact.
So real, really good content. Mm-hmm in the episode, episode 13, Jason, a lot of women, uh, they have made mistakes. They have regrets that haunt them. How can a woman heal? Uh, I think one of the most important things is you need to begin. But to not infect the previous wound, you know, it needs time to clean out.
And if we're rushing back to the same old problems, the same old stuff, you know, you can't close that we, you can't close that, that wound as, as long as it's, there's junk getting into it. And so step number one is to get out of these toxic situations. And then not be afraid to go to counseling. If that's something that you think would be fruitful, uh, you can find good there's counselors that may not be so good out there.
So you might need to shop around a little bit. That's one of the greatest gifts that you could give to yourself is, is the gift of holiness, um, of being able to mend those hurts in the past. And yeah, you know, they hurt, but living purity can heal the past and you, sometimes you learn wisdom in painful ways and you can grow from this and be a stronger woman and be like, yeah, you know what that stinks going through.
That was really rough, but you know what? Now I know for the future, I'm, I'm not gonna date with guys like that, and I'm not gonna put myself in those situations and you don't wanna beat yourself up. Like this is all your fault. And if you had only done that, don't let yourself just bludgeon yourself over the head about the past or with the future, cuz God doesn't want you to live in either one of those places.
He wants you to be with him in the present moment. So as much as you can to entrust the past in the future to him, What final word of encouragement would you give to all the women listening in their search for love? A lot of them after hearing this conversation, after reading some of the book, maybe thinking this is impossible, you know, where can I find a good guy?
So what, what encouragement would you give them? Well, I mean, some guys wanted the same thing. Like where can I find as decent girl? And, you know, unfortunately there are fewer and fewer decent guys out there because of the prevalence of internet porn with the guys. And not that it's only a guy problem, but so many guys have been hooked on that junk in junior high.
They don't even know how to look at a woman and let alone how to speak to one and relate to her. Um, but to be patient, to hold out. I mean, if there's anything. Holding out for it is love. And I know it can be long and it can be discouraging and it can be frustrating, but you'll speed up the process. If you're filtering out the guys who aren't even realistic candidates to begin with, and you can find decent guys, like there are good, you know, faith based dating websites out there, like Catholic connection.com or Ave Maria singles.com.
Like there's good ones out there. And obviously you still have to be discerning cuz someone might pretend to be spiritual on that website. But in reality, they're not, you know, or you find someone good that they live in Abu Dhabi and you know, they're not gonna move here in the next decade. So you gotta be prudent there, but.
You know, put yourself where good guys are likely to be, get involved in service work and the church, youth groups, and things like that where, uh, pro-life work or just some places where guys who have the same passions and standards are likely to be. Uh, and so don't wait for 'em to come knocking at your door, get involved in young adult groups in your diocese or in your city, you know, put yourself out there, uh, and, and broaden your horizons instead of just staying in your, your narrow social circle, hoping he is gonna walk through the door.
Um, so there's, there's good means out there, but you want to take advantage of them. In the meantime, you know, I remember one woman, Sarah Swofford, she said become the woman of your dreams and you'll attract the man of your dreams, meaning focus on who God's calling you to be. And then, and then see what God is saying to you in these single years, and then see what happens in the future and leave those in God's hand.
I remember you quoting, I think it was Curtis Martin who said, you know, don't pursue your soulmate pursue God. And after a while of running after him, turn to see who's keeping up with you. Yeah, yeah, no, that was, that was a memorable quote from him that I've, I've used with many shared with many people.
Just, it just gets your priorities straight. It's like if you're a sailor a century ago and you didn't have GPS and you're out in the middle of the ocean, all you had was the stars navigate by, you know, but if you, if you, if you can see that one bright spot and you keep your eyes on that, it'll lead you to the port.
Absolutely. And for those of you who aren't religious, I know there's a lot of people listening who aren't seek that purpose for your life. Like what are you on this earth to do? I think, I think you'll find that what, like Jason saying, by ordering your life in that way, uh, things will just work so much better for you.
Jason, how can, how can, uh, people follow you? Uh, if you just go to our website, which is chastity.com, uh, there, they can connect with us on social media. On Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube. They can donate to the ministry, they can connect with the new podcast. We're about to launch here. So all that and the books that we wrote, like how to find your soulmate without losing your soul, that's available on the website as well.
Uh, for as little as $3 a piece, you can share it with friends and that's C H a S T I T y.com. Jason, thank you so much, guys will link to all of that in the show notes to make it easy for you. So if you wanna pick up the book, you can, Jason really appreciate you. Appreciate everything you've done. Like I've said before, you've been a huge mentor of mine and helped me, uh, navigate this world of love and relationships.
And I know, uh, you're doing great work, so keep it up. Thank you so much for being with us today. Well, God bless you and thanks for having me on. So much wisdom from that, man. And if you wanna get more wisdom from Jason and his wife, Lina, you can buy their book, how to find your soulmate without losing your soul.
You can buy it for yourself or you can buy it for someone else who, you know, needs it. And so it's really easy to do you just go to restored ministry.com/nineteen that's number one, number nine. So again, that's ReSTOR ministry ministries to singular.com/nineteen. We'll link out to where you can buy the book.
And once you go to that link, just complete the purchase and good to go. Like I mentioned, at the start, we're doing a random giveaway of three books and the way to enter that giveaway, you just go to, again, that link restored ministry.com/nineteen. And you'll just subscribe to our email list. Just put your name, your email, and just answer one quick question.
And then we'll announce a winner by June 19th, 2020. And if you buy the book, now you could still enter that email list for the random giveaway. If you win and you have two copies, you can always give one away to, to someone else that you know, and anyone who's already on our email list, you're automatically entered into the contest.
The resources mentioned are in the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 19. Thank you so much for listening. If this has been useful, please subscribe and share this podcast with someone you know, who could use it. Always. Remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
