#011: I Thought My Parents’ Divorce Didn’t Affect Me | Jennifer Cox
Jen thought her parents’ divorce didn’t affect her - until her brokenness surfaced at 26 on a medical mission in Honduras. Still, she didn’t make the connection between her struggles and her parents’ breakup right away.
In this episode, you’ll hear her story, her struggles, and how she has healed. She also shares advice and words of encouragement for anyone in a similar situation - especially anyone who is single but wants to be married.
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Links & Resources
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Books
Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak
Buy a physical copy here [Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through this link, your purchase will support Restored. Thank you!]
Research
Nazmiye Civitci, Asım Civitci,and N. Ceren Fiyakali, “Loneliness and Life Satisfaction in Adolescents with Divorced and Non-Divorced Parents,” Educational Sciences: Theory & Practice, 9 (2) (2009).
Articles by Jennifer Cox
Contact Jen
Blog: Jumping in Puddles
Instagram: @jen_coxRN
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Coming Up: Episode #012: Counseling: How It Works and Why It Helps | Dr. Julia Sadusky, PsyD
Thanks for listening! Our next episode features Dr. Julia Sadusky, PsyD. We breakdown how counseling works, why it is effective, and how to make the most of it.
TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Do you feel unaffected by your parents' divorce or do you know someone who feels or, or seems like they're unaffected by their parents'? Divorce? That's actually the story of today's guests. She prided herself on being unaffected by her parents' divorce. She thought it had no impact on her life for the longest time, and from the outside it looked like she had everything together.
Like she was fine and the divorce really didn't have any effect on her. Until all of her brokenness bubble to the surface. And one thing I've noticed in doing this work and producing this podcast is that our culture tells us that our parents' divorce shouldn't affect us. That as children, we are resilient and we'll be fine.
And we believe that. So often we think that everything is normal, that nothing is wrong, but almost every time that's simply not true. We are affected. It may just take us some time to realize how we're affected. We'll talk about that and more in today's show. Keep listening.
Welcome to the Restored podcast, helping you cope, heal, and grow after your parents' divorce or separation so you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pontarelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 11, and in the show you're gonna hear. How my guest, Jen, really thought her parents' divorce didn't have any effect on her, and how that all changed.
When she went to Honduras as a medical missionary at age 26, her world just started falling apart. She started to feel very broken in. In her own words, she said she felt like something deep inside. Had been exposed and she couldn't hide it any longer. She just couldn't keep it together, and that was really the beginning of her healing journey, even though she didn't connect it to her parents' breakup.
And she was shocked to realize that the struggles in her life were very connected to her parents' divorce. She also shares how she's coped by being a perfectionist for a lot of her life and how she's tempted to find her value in external things. She also talks about how her parents' divorce has really affected her dating relationships and how.
It is a struggle being single. As someone in their thirties, she also shares some tips on healing and really one of the hardest, yet most beautiful things that she's done to heal. A little bit about our guests. Jennifer Cox is most proud to be called a friend, daughter. Godmother, aunt and nurse. She loves to spend time with her family, travel to all the places and practice Keo, uh, when she hasn't injured herself.
Kempo is a, is a martial arts, I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. Her nursing career has offered her some really beautiful opportunities over the years from working at the bedside at one of the top pediatric facilities in the country to being a school nurse serving in Honduras. She is currently the nursing director for a small nonprofit serving children with special needs just outside Washington dc.
Jen is actually a contributor to the book, Primal Loss, The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak. You heard about that in episode two with Layla Miller, and she serves on the retreat team for the DC based recovering Origins retreats, and you heard about that in episode nine with Dr. Daniel Meola. She really has a heart to sit with others in their pain and to encourage them in their healing, which is exactly what she does in this conversation.
So here's my conversation with Jen. Let's dive right into your story. Take us to the day that your parents separated. How old were you? What happened? How did you react? Let's see. So I was in second grade. I was about seven or eight ish. And I mean, I was like living life. I, my, it was just me and my parents, so it was good.
Um, I just happened to be outside playing with my. Friends and our, um, I just, I remember this like so clearly, like it happened yesterday playing outside in the cul-de-sac and all of my friends were there. My parents had called me over to the front porch or the front door, and my mom, I just remember my mom was like visibly upset.
She, she's crying. My dad was standing next to her and they. Told me that they were getting divorced. And I remember, you know, looking at them, I, I, I just really didn't know, I didn't fully understand what that meant. They were just told me that, and I basically was just like, Okay, well can I go back and play with my friends now?
And I mean, I literally like that they told me and I just went back and played my friends and I was like, Um, hey everybody. We're getting a divorce. We're getting a divorce. Mm-hmm. , because I didn't know what it meant. And like looking back, it's a very touching, slightly comical. Oh, really? Just, it's just sad.
It just makes me sad that like, you know, that that happened. Um, yeah, so I, I didn't really know. I had no concept really at that time of my life, like what that meant. Yeah. So that's really like when I found out, I remember. It's funny as I've grown up and I've really like hashed all these things out, my memories are really limited from.
Prior to that, so I don't really remember, and like around that time I don't really remember, which I suppose makes sense in terms of, you know, trauma and all of that type of stuff, which is typical for traumas. But it is just fascinating that I, I don't really remember a ton of detail about time prior or really around that particular period of time.
So eventually, I would imagine so my parents must have like sat me down and maybe tried to explain a little bit more. Um, I lived in Maryland at the time and um, the separation is much longer in Maryland. And so my dad essentially lived with us, um, for quite some time, but he lived in a different, Or he stayed in like the guest bedroom.
Mm-hmm. . So for all I knew at that time, I don't know, that's what divorce was like. Okay. I mean, Sure. Um, and then eventually my dad moved out and, uh, my mom and I moved up the street to a, uh, townhouse. And that is just kind of where life really began. Like, I like to say I had one of those quote unquote good divorces because, Fairly straightforward.
I mean, for all of this, as much as blessing in many ways, like there was straightforward custody arrangements. I saw my dad very regularly, um, every other weekend, um, every other holiday. He was very involved in my life growing up. He would come to my. Swim meets. He would come to events, he would be around, like, it was very like, good.
It was good and normal and like all of these things. And, and I, yeah, and I, I mean, honestly, I just, it was great. I grew up, I literally grew up believing that things were good. And fine, because in my mind they were, I mean, they were fine. So I really didn't, I mean, there were moments I had probably throughout like high school that it was challenging.
I remember when I, I would have hard times with my dad and my mom was always very encouraging to like, have conversations with my dad. So like things didn't necessarily linger and whatnot. Like it was all very, like they did their best to make things. I don't know. Seamless or easier or something. Yeah. But yeah, so that's kind of really how I grew up.
I, I didn't, it was very kind of matter of fact and that's how life was and I, I just did what I had to do. I, I mean, yeah, that's, that's kind of, that's kind of it so often. When our parents split, you know, obviously it's a shock, especially when you realize the gravity of it. Mm-hmm. , but so often we kind of just see it as normal and we don't really think twice about it, and it becomes our new normal.
Then years later, usually it's like, wait a minute, this actually isn't normal. This isn't. Right. Yeah. This isn't the way things are supposed to be and so yeah, it can, it can bubble to the surface. But How old were you when, uh, you guys moved into the town home? Do you remember? I mean, it had to have been within the like year that they had like, let me know they were getting divorced because I Okay, makes sense.
Cause I was still. It was still within that year. I, I don't know, timing is a little off, so, or you know, was always fuzzy Sure. When you're looking back. So, yeah, so it was still around that time. It wasn't like years and years later or anything. It was very short. Um, so essentially I, the house that I grew up in with my mom, It was like the house that I grew up in.
Like I very, I don't really super remember my, you know, home with both my parents and it, it was, it was interesting. Um, it's just funny, It's funny to like think back on it and how normal it did feel. Mm-hmm. . Um, and I think that really it does play into a lot, um, of my difficulties and struggles later on.
Um, and we definitely get into that, but, Yeah, so essentially I had a, I lived a good life and I have a good life. Um, and I grew up my entire life believing that, you know, I went to college or I, I did well in school growing up. Like I was, you know, definitely one of the kids that, um, got good grades, didn't get in trouble.
Um, those types of things. We can come back to that in a little bit, but, you know, I just, I did what I had to do, like I. I was a, I was a good kid, you know. Yeah. Um, went to college. Graduated college. I, uh, graduated with my nursing degree. So I found a, a really great job at one of the top pediatric facilities in the area.
I did that for a while. I served in Honduras. I lived in Honduras. Um, I. Went to, like I lived in Florida, um, and did some other things, you know, and came back to this area for my job. I bought a home, I bought a condo, you know, like so from the outside. Very much like my parents' divorce. Had no bearing on my life.
Had no effect. On my life. And I was very proud of myself because of that, that yes, like I'm one of those people that my divorce or my parents' divorce didn't affect me. And I believed that. And I was very like, proud of that, you know? And that was kind of the, the narrative that I. Taught to believe anyway because mm-hmm.
right? Because as we know, like kids are resilient and all of these things and whatnot. And I just, I was very like, proud that, see proof that I, everything's good. Look at my life, like all these wonderful things and, and it is good. And I did do some wonderful things, but interestingly, uh, when I was in Honduras, um, that actually really opened up a lot for me.
I describe it as a stripping away of. Everything. And obviously like, um, mission work, especially overseas mission work does do that in many aspects. Um, but I realized at the time, you know, being in a different culture, being in a place I didn't know anybody and, you know, learning something completely new and all of these different things.
I didn't have my normal, I didn't have my sense of normal, you know, my family wasn't around my, you know, my normal like sense of comfort. It really kind of exposed. Something deeper inside of me that I, at this point now had nothing to keep it together. And at the time, now, I can only verbalize this with many years of therapy because at the time I, I really just thought that I was struggling with being a missionary and being in Honduras.
Like I just really thought, I was like one of those people, like, Gosh, maybe this isn't the life for me . Like I can't really cut it out and, and all of this. In retrospect and in hindsight and after much healing, I realized like that was the beginning of like, this wound that I had that was, was essentially like ripped, like open and exposed, and it just, uh, like I needed to, like, I couldn't do anything about it.
It was there. And so I was in a really difficult place, like, and it was a really dark place and I knew that I had to leave, but I couldn't really verbalize it. So I actually ended up leaving. Honduras early and was like, I just need to figure it out. I didn't know what I, I didn't know what I was figuring out, but I knew I needed to figure something out.
Cause clearly I was, I was really, really struggling. So, so I came home and I kind of had a significant transition. I stayed with my brother who, as a side note, we have the same dad, different moms. He grew up with his mom out in Kansas. So, um, while I technically grew up as. Only child. He, um, we, I did have a brother, but we just, we didn't grow up together, um, geographically and all that, so that makes sense.
Um, but we're fairly close. So when I came back from Honduras, bless him, he and his, um, wife and growing family, um, like welcomed me in to kind of transition me and that was a great time. Um, and then I moved to Florida and my best friend and her husband were having their first baby. So I kind. Stayed there and through that and, and kind of being around their beautiful like marriage and witnessing their, you know, their love for one another within their marriage and like bringing this baby into the world and all these wonderful, beautiful things.
Mm-hmm. , I, you know, I really like, I kind of put everything that I was feeling aside cuz I was feeling okay. I was very distracted at this point. Like, I was like, oh. Guess is good, but like I knew that I still needed something and I was still really very much struggling. So I was there for a year and I believe eventually was still very in a dark place.
And really it was probably still one of the lowest like periods of time in my life. And I was like, I need help. I need help, I need, I need help and I need to reach out to, um, a therapist. And so I did. And that has been one of the hardest and beautiful things that I. Done in my life thus far. Yeah, no, it, it takes so much courage to do that and get to that point where, you know, not just thinking about it, not just like researching it, but actually pulling the trigger and going in there, committing to stick with the therapy.
And then, you know, of course eventually you'll see the results, but man, that is, it's like busting through a wall. It's hard. Yes. How old were you when you went to Honduras? I turned. 27 when I was there. Okay. So I was in my mid twenties, uh, when all of this kind of really like started. So yeah, it is fascinating to kind of, um, objectively look back and to realize that like I held it together, quote unquote, you know, all of this, this wound and this stuff for.
20 over 20 years of my life, you know? Yeah. Um, at that, at that point. Um, and even then though I didn't have a clue though that it was related to anything related to my parents' divorce. It's interesting to look back and how much you just kind of assume is other things or whatnot, until you really take the time to, to step into that wound to find the root, and sometimes the root is not really what you.
Expected it to be. Yeah, I wanted talk about that a second, because I think this is common for, for many children of divorce, we may be struggling with something in life, whether it's, you know, a struggle with advice like alcoholism or pornography or something like that. Or you know, something else, something maybe not as as serious.
But we don't connect the dots, We don't see, we, we make this kind of attribution error, meaning, you know, we're so thinking at the root of. Stuff is something else when it's actually the brokenness in our family. And so your story just tells that perfectly. But I think so many of us can relate to that. We don't, we don't connect the dots.
Yeah, totally. Especially for in situations like ours, in terms of our parents' divorce. because the culture in which we live and the narrative that we are told to believe is that divorce isn't going to affect you as the kid. Of course not. Because if your family is there and loving you and being present to you, like what more do you need?
Essentially, you know? Mm-hmm. like your parents, you know, are there. You know, and they are, and I, I do wanna say that like my, my parents did do the best they can. I think that's, but that's also part of the thing. It's like, yes, they did the best can, but also I still was wounded. That's it's did the best Also, I was still affected.
So let's talk about that. Like I'm allowed to like process that and whatnot. And I think that's just something that we're not always willing. Talk about like the choice that this person made over here does have effects on. Like these people over here. And I think that is just part of the conversation that's missing a lot, unfortunately, uh, when divorce is brought up, is like, this is a decision that adults are making and it will affect their subsequent children if they have children.
You know, it's just, yeah. It's just part of the deal. And I, I think it's just unfortunate that, And so when you, when you don't have that conversation when no one's really kind of putting that in light or. Reminding parents when they are thinking about divorce, like then of course, like the children aren't necessarily going to have the, any dots to connect in that way.
That like, Oh, that that could have been a thing for me. I had no idea. Yeah. , it's been buried so deep they just don't even think about it. Yeah, no, I, I see that left and right and I love what you said, you know, divorce, it, it, it's traumatic basically that in so many words, that's what, that's what you just said.
Mm-hmm. , And I've never really heard people outside of, like, our circles of course talk about the trauma of divorce. It's like, that's a phrase I wish people would use because it is traumatic. It does really affect everyone involved, including the parents, but especially the children. And yeah, like you said, we're not, we're not hearing a lot about that, so I'm so glad that we're having this conversation.
So you touched on a lot of the ways in which you were affected, and the interesting thing to me was that from the outside looking in, if someone looked at you in your life, they would say, Oh, you. Jen, you're successful. You know, you've accomplished so much. You, you're doing good things with your life. Like, how can you be broken?
I mean, it's, it's almost like looking at you, some people compared to maybe people who kinda wear the brokenness on their sleeve, like on the outside, right? They may have looked at you and said, Oh gosh, you, you, you're totally fine. You have nothing to worry about. But inside something was very different.
And so when you went to Hondura, That just, you're outta your comfort zone. You're out of your routine, you're in, you know, you're being stretched in different ways. That stuff's just fall to the surface. So, uh, I wanna get into that a little bit deeper, but mm-hmm. . Um, but before we get to that point, were there any other ways in which your.
Parents breakup affect you in the years leading up to that, and then of course after that as well. Yes. I'm, I mean, like objectively yes. Like it did their divorce totally like affected me, but I feel like because it was so normal for me, I just didn't know any different, you know, like I didn't know, like, like I know for example, holidays are always like challenging, Right.
You know? And it's what sucks to not. Both my parents and all my, like one side of the family were visiting, Oh, this year we're gonna go to my mom's side of the family, all of us together, or we're all gonna be with my dad's side of the family, or something like that. Like growing up and realizing that like I was me who had to go with one or the other, you know, whatever holiday it was like, of course, like I remember like feeling, gosh.
Stinks, but I just, I didn't really have time to think about it. I just moved on There wasn't really a, a thing, so it's just hard to kind of like look back and like, I mean like now I can see it, but like, then when I'm like living it, when I'm in middle school and high school, living my life, unfortunately, it was just very normal
Mm-hmm. . And it it like, you know, and right now just thinking about it and like thinking back on it, it just, it does kinda make me sad a little bit that, that. Was so normal when really, I mean, it's not, and it shouldn't be. That's not how it, how it's meant to be. And it's just, it, you know, it does make me sad a little bit that I, you know, that was like my perspective, but I just, you know, part of me is like, I'm grateful for that because I feel like in some ways it would have, if I was so focused on the fact that my parents were divorced, I'm not sure I would've have held me back a little bit more.
Would it have like defined me in other ways? I mean, it's already. In ways that I'm learning, learn, have learned, and still learning how deeply it has affected me. But yeah, it is interesting to, to kind of, to look back and recognize like, but I, I don't know. That's the problem. Like I wouldn't have been able to, like if you came up to me when I was in high school, for example, to tell me, Hey, I'm so sorry that your parents are divorced, and I'm sorry that you had to, that you have to like go every other weekend to your dad's.
Honestly, I probably would've maybe just looked at you like, Okay, I mean, thanks like mm-hmm. . You know, and I, I would like to think like, Wow, that really would've spoken to my heart or something in some way. I don't know. And who knows? No one ever said that to me, so I wouldn't, I don't know how I actually would've reacted, but, but I think just because it was so normal for me, and I think there's just so many young people out there.
Today still that that is still very much normal and it's like, I, I'm, I want to like give them a hug, all of them and be like, I get it. Like it, it doesn't have to be, it's not normal and it's okay if you have some feels about it, it really is. Okay. , Yeah, we talk, we talk about that on this show from time to time about, you know how a lot of this stuff doesn't bubble to the surface, so you're, you know, may at the earliest you.
Mid teenager, late teens, really in your twenties. It seems to be the trend that people start connecting the dots and realize, hey, oh, okay, this, uh, you know, this isn't normal and this is actually affecting me more than I ever thought it would. So, so your story, you know, it makes so much sense. And one of the things, uh, just reading through your story, cuz you've written, you know, some beautiful blog articles.
About your story, one of the things that stuck out to me was how you, you know, you, uh, in some ways would take care of your parents, and it's almost like the roles reversed. And so that, uh, that stuck out to me if you would, you know, talk about that briefly. How, and, and again, that's again, that's something that's kind of normalized.
You don't maybe think twice about it as a kid, but, you know, comparing that to a really healthy fa like intact family. That's not normal. Yeah, for sure. And I think that it is like something that you just kind of take on. So, and one of the things that I, you know, really dove into part of my like, um, therapy was to realize that I took on the responsibility of, in ensuring that my parents, specifically my mom, cuz I.
Lived with her primarily were okay. I wanted my mom to be okay. And that was, that was it. Mm-hmm. . And so really, like growing up, I, I didn't like kind of coming back a little bit when I was, I had mentioned before about never, um, getting in trouble or never, you know, or always getting good grades and like doing well or whatever.
I didn't wanna rock the boat essentially. Mm-hmm. , I didn't. I just, I didn't like, I wanna ensure that everything was kind of level, even playing field. I mean, there was very few times where, um, I did like get grounded or something happened. I think I got detention one time ever in all of my schooling when I was in, you know, growing up.
And, um, like I, you know, I was very concerned about getting good grades and, um, I had to do them. And, you know, actually interestingly, my mom recently was reminding me of this time when I, when I was young, We were in the townhouse, so it was after my parents divorced, but I was very upset because I didn.
Finish my spelling homework or something. When I was in elementary school and I didn't finish my spelling homework and I was very upset. I don't remember this. This was just her sharing this with me and she just had, She was just like, Okay, Jen, Like I was just so, like I was visibly upset that I didn't finish this homework and that I.
Like, I was gonna stay up super late to finish it and my teacher was gonna be upset and all these things, and she just had to, you know, call me down and be like, Okay, I'll write a note that says didn't get finish. Like, it will be okay, you know, whatever. She called me down and, and I just think it's, it's just interesting, like how, I think that's a very, like a good example of how I essentially like, Needed to make sure I did all of the work and all the things and make sure I got it all done.
That, like, carried on with me throughout my schooling and all of that. Um, but essentially just so that I, Cause I didn't wanna make anybody else worried. I didn't wanna have to have worry. Anybody else? Everyone else. I like my mom, My dad, they had, well really for my mom, She already went through a lot, and I didn't wanna make her any more upset or have to affect her in any way.
I didn't wanna upset my dad, of course, because ultimately my dad's the one who left, and so mm-hmm. . If he left, he stopped loving my mom, and I then made him upset or something. Well, obviously he could stop loving me, you know? Mm-hmm. . And so, I mean, that's like the, the truth that I believed up. I was, uh, late in my late twenties.
So . Yeah. You know, but underline, right? Like, it's not like I knew that up until like, I just, but that is how I live my life essentially. Yeah. So you almost felt like you, the love was conditional and you needed to really keep your act together. Otherwise, what happened to your mom would happen to, you, could happen to.
Yeah, no, that, that makes so much sense. And if, if you're open to talking about it a little bit, I wanna dig into kind of the perfectionism. It seems that in some ways you coped with all of this as kind of being a perfectionist, like being really behaving really well, getting your grades, doing all your homework, like everything that you just laid out.
Would you say that's kind of the primary way that you coped over the years? Yes. It's funny cuz I kind of think about this like concept of coping and I didn't know that I was coping, you know, because I didn't know that. Needed to cope. I didn't know that there was anything wrong, but yes, I mean, I think so.
I think that I probably, I wanted things to be right and good, and if they were not right and good, then somehow I failed and it was going to be terrible or that I was wrong and like it was gonna make. My mom upset or make my dad upset and all of these things, and it really, Dr. It drove my, my ability to, that's like just how I lived my life, you know?
Mm-hmm. , because I, I, If I didn't do all these things, then somehow then I failed and I think. I internalized that and I believed the lie that then, because I couldn't do all these things, like if I failed, if I wasn't good enough, if I wasn't all the stuff, then it, that was me. Then like, it became about who I was at the core and therefore I wasn't good enough and I wasn't, then I was a failure and I wasn't strong enough and all of that.
And so of course that just, you know, plays into. Self confidence and thinking that you can do things and all of that. So, yeah, and it, it drives so many of us really, really hard. And I think that's why you see a lot of children of divorce who are pretty successful, you know, in terms of career and things like that.
And from the outside, you know, it may seem like we have all, everything in order, we have our life together. Um, but once you kind of dig. Deep and often into our relationships, you start to see that, uh, there's actually brokenness here, but, but yeah, I, my story, you know, I was 11 when my parents operated and my immediate reaction was really bad.
I, I got into things like pornography and, uh, other, other really unhealthy ways of coping and. Then clean that up, thankfully. Mm-hmm. , that was really good. But then I went, kinda went to the opposite extreme. I started to be a perfectionist and really wanted life to. Look kind of perfect on the outside, but I still felt broken inside.
I didn't know really what to do with that. And, and a lot of this, like you're saying, I wouldn't have been able to put into, uh, into words as well as I can now, but I certainly went to that opposite extreme of being a perfectionist of perfectionism. And uh, then later it kind of came out because I was like, Ah, I can't keep up this facade.
It's just, I feel too broken. and uh, yeah. But, but I do think this is so common for, for children of divorce dealing with perfectionism. And certainly not everyone does, but a lot of us do. And I've seen this, uh, you know, in working with children of divorce and just talking to, to people like us, it is definitely common.
I think another aspect of that too, for me, like it co goes into from like, Perfection. Like I have to have this all right and good, and it has to be like right and good, so I don't fail at it. Well, it really led into me or led me to really kind of find my worth in external things. So like if for example, work was not going well, then somehow my entire.
Was not good. And then because I wasn't being able to make it go well, like whatever struggle I was having at work, like it really impacted me as a person and how I viewed myself. And that's a very, you know, not great and dangerous place to be because if you're so focused on the external things going well, , and that is where you're putting your soul , um, like value in who you are as a person.
As soon as something goes wrong, like whoop, then you're, then you feel. That much more broken and yeah, so I've had to really work hard, really, really work hard to kind of separate those things and recognize that who I am is very much not related to all the things that are Yeah, that that will. Change and, and be different, um, at some point in time.
So, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you hit the nail, the head. I think so many of us deal with that too, just that external looking for value and external things like work or maybe relationships or something else. Wanna one kind of scary thought, but, but a good one to wrestle with. And I encourage everyone listening to think about this too, if all that stuff was stripped away from you.
You know, if your job was stripped away from you, if your relationships are stripped away from you, if your even your health was stripped away from you, what's left? Like, where do you find your value? You know, where do you feel important? And, and I'm not saying that it's bad to do well at work or to have good relationships.
Of course it's not, it's a good thing. But I've had to kind of wrestle with that too over the years because yeah, I have found so much of my worth. And what I do instead of really who I am at at the core. And one of the things that has come up in conversation with children of divorce is that often we are so driven to succeed because we're terrified of failure.
And the reason we're terrified of failure is we feel that if we fail, nobody will have our back. And we are kind of on our own in life to figure it out. And so that has really shaped and driven so many of us, which is really sad. It really is. Turning to coping. So you're in your twenties, you go to Honduras.
And do, do this great mission work and then all the stuff bubbles to the surface. How did you react? How did you cope with that? And talk about if you would, the healthy ways that you coped with it, and then if you're willing, some of the unhealthy ways, if, if those were present. So once I, Once I, Okay. So I mean, I think the biggest thing, like once I realized like all this stuff was like happening, um, I knew that I needed to do something.
So the one thing that I did was I left Honduras, I left the thing that I thought was the problem and that of. In retrospect, it wasn't that thing was the problem. And so I had mentioned before it took me a while to get to the point where I like could call and like reach out to a therapist. So in the meantime, honestly, I just kind of, I think I avoided it.
I mean, I. I knew I needed to deal with it, but I was like, Oh, maybe it'll be fine. I it'll, you know, cuz like, I had a lot of things that were distracting me up until that point. And so I really started diving in with my therapist. Bless him. Whew. I was shocked, honestly, and, and a little bit angry to realize.
So much of my current struggles and so much of the things that I, I was dealing with all somehow related back to my parents' divorce, and I think that really began this like huge, like wrestling for me because now I was face to face with this entire life that I have been living so proud that I didn't have.
any effects, right? Like, I was good. I got all these things, I was living my life and blah, blah, blah. And now I'm realizing and I can see the dots, like I can see the lines connecting these dots like, Huh, wow, this has affected me. Mm-hmm , it did affect me. It is affecting me, and I'm not actually quote unquote fine
And that just, Broke me. Like that really broke me in ways that I was really wasn't expecting. And I was dealing with a lot of anger and I dealt with a lot, like, of subsequent shame, a lot of shame still that I kind of have to wrestle with today. Um, quite honestly, But shame and the fact that like somehow I couldn't deal with it or I, I was not strong enough to handle my parents' divorce.
It did affect me and. I, Yeah, I was, I just dealt with a lot of shame because I just believed, you know, for so long that I was fine and that I, that I was okay. And I was just like, it was just something that I, you know, I had to, you know, it wasn't a thing that I had to deal with. And so, To now dive into this whole thing and to see it face to face, like, wow.
Okay. And I recognizing then like all of the ways that I was, in terms of like unhealthy ways probably would be like, you know, self-protection. Like, you know, I didn't, I'm not like a huge risk taker by any means. I don't, you know, cause clearly, Opens up a whole lot of things and no one wants to rock the boat in that way, and I don't wanna have to fail.
I gotta, if I don't know, I'm gonna be perfect at it, then don't wanna try it, you know? So I protected myself in those ways. Just avoided the pain. I avoided trying to deal with it for so long and all of that. So those are the biggest things. But honestly, what has helped me the most is my therapist for sure.
Journaling has been. A godsend, like I've always been a journaler. Um, but being able to write out my thoughts and write out my, my pain and my confusion and my just, all of that has been really helpful. Prayer has been, um, a beautiful thing for me, of course, but therapy has been like, like that's been the biggest thing.
of course. And I think I just as a side. On therapy. I still see my therapist regularly and I think that I've just recently kind of come to the terms with it, that that is also okay. Mm-hmm. , that I still am speaking to my therapist because again, I think I've been carrying around this like I this shame that like, wow, this thing is like still affecting me.
It doesn't necessarily though mean that my life is bad or that my life is like somehow less than. Because I'm dealing with these struggles. It's just that I'm dealing with these struggles and I'm trying to be proactive about it, and I'm trying to live my life the best way that it can. And sometimes you need a little extra help.
And that is okay. That's even courageous in, in my opinion, because you're acknowledging I can't do this alone. I can't, you know, I don't have the ability to, to deal with this all on my own. I, I need help And, and to someone who you know for so long in your life. Done things on your own, who's figured things out, who's excelled in so many areas.
Yeah, that's super humbling. Thank you. I'm not sure I would've put it in those words, but I appreciate you saying that . No, absolutely. And I, uh, I think so many of us, when, when you're talking about the shame, so many of us need to hear that it's not, it's okay not to be okay. It really is. Mm-hmm. , and again, like your story says, so.
When we put up that facade, that mask, or, and even, you know, believe ourselves for the longest time that everything's fine, We're fine, everything's good, we're okay. Um, once it comes to that point where it, it comes to the surface, it is, it's super humbling. And, and like you said, shameful and it's just like, I don't have control of this.
This is not something that I want to be dealing with. But, uh, but yeah, I think all of us need to hear that it's okay not to be, And it's okay to ask for help. In fact, you really can't heal on your own. It's true. It's just impossible because you're only gonna be stuck in your own head. Um, I think that's what's beautiful about Restored is like being able to at least write it out or have the ability to write it out.
That's like a beautiful first step, but that's only one step because you're only gonna, your words are only gonna be stuck in your own head, and you need to figure out the best way. To deal with those things and to cope appropriately. I think that's one of the things that was, that I'm realizing as well, you know, or that I have realized over the last few years is that I, I was never taught the appropriate ways to cope with things that were difficult.
Right. Or that, or really do deep wounds, uh, because. Again, because we, no one really knew that divorce is going to affect me as the way it did, you know? Mm-hmm. . And so I was never given the appropriate tool. So essentially what therapy has been for me is like a constant reminder of how to unlearn all of these terrible habits that I've built and like unlearn, unie, all of these lies that I have believed for many years about myself.
And so, so I myself am. Learning how to, to do all of these things in healthy, appropriate, good life giving ways. And that's, it's hard, it's hard to do. It's, it is very, it is humbling too to, to, to do that. So, Absolutely. Uh, that, that makes so much sense. And you mentioned some of the ways that you've, some of the things you've done to heal.
Was there anything else to add to that? Like any, anything that you've done? Any technique, any, You mentioned prayer, you mentioned journally, you mentioned counseling. Um, and those are, Amazing. We definitely encourage people to, to do all those things. Was there anything else? You know, I had a couple close friends that were able to kind of listen, to listen and just like sit with me and my pain and I, and really like, wanted to hear, um, they were, they wanted to hear what my perspective and what I was going on and that was really beautiful and it really just gave me like hope, like wow.
Okay. My words matter, my experience matters. The, I am a contributor to the Primal Loss book. I know that you had Layla, um, on a few podcasts to go and, um, I was one of the, uh, contributors to her book, and I, we the like authors or the contributors to the book, um, have a private Facebook group and that has been really beautiful and healing, um, to just be part.
All of us together, um, having this common shared experience, um, to be able to kind of live life and lean on one another and pray for one another and just to, to see how we've done this and how did you do that and how do you guys handle this and things like that. That's been a really beautiful part of my, like, own healing.
And one other thing actually that's sometimes is as I feel is pretty rare, but I had a really beautiful gift to be able to share a lot of this with my mom. One of the things that we as. Children of divorced are terrified about is that our parents are gonna know how we actually feel, how we really feel about this situation.
Right? It goes back to like not wanting to rock the boat. We don't want to tell them because then they're gonna, you know, We don't know exactly. We just don't want them to know because it will, it could upset them. We don't want that. Right. And we just don't feel safe to, with our parents to share. And they're, you know, in years into my, like, healing, you know, So it's been a couple years now, but, um, just really randomly, I just was able to kind of share.
Kind of matter of factly my experience. And my mom was so gracious and really listened and heard me, and it was a beautiful, beautiful gift. And honestly, I don't think I realized at the time how. Impactful. That was in my own healing to be heard by one of my parents. You know, I've tried to, you know, share some of this with my dad.
It's just different. Of course, I love both of my parents and my parents. Clearly they love me. Um, but it's hard to share these things with them, especially even if as adults, , you want to share some of this stuff, and as an, and an independent adult. But I, I do wanna kind of give hope that, like for anyone listening or young people or whomever that.
If you have. Challenging relationships with their parents. Like I get that and I see you, but there is also opportunities to be able to genuinely share your experience with, with them at some point. Um, like don't lose hope in that either. Cause that. Was a beautiful gift for me. That's beautiful. Yeah. And man, that can be so healing.
There's some research that was done about children of divorce and loneliness in particular. One of the things that they found is if you are able to develop, you know, of course if it's healthy, and usually it needs to happen gradually. If you're able to develop a relationship with your parent, one or both, both being ideal, um, it actually helps you to feel less depressed, less anxious, less alone.
And so, uh, that's definitely something that all of us can, you know, work toward even if we're not at that point yet. I didn't realize the, like, value that it was to be able to share that with my mom and, and whatnot. So yeah, it was definitely a gift and I, and I hope and pray that others will be able to.
To be able to have that as part of their healing journey as well. Now that you've gone through some of this healing process, and of course you said you're still going through it, which makes sense, this is something that we deal with for years and really it's just kind of an infinite goal. It's something we're always working on, but, uh, but I was curious how, how's your life different?
How have you seen your life change after giving this attention, going through the kind of grueling healing process? How, how's your life different? Yeah, I mean, I think that I'm just more aware of the thing of the areas that I am struggling with, and I'm like doing my best to enter into those, um, parts, to, to heal them in ways and to live my life fully.
And, you know, I think that so much of, of, you know, living a life of trying to always put my best foot forward and, and having all of the things. You know, be perfect quote unquote and all of that. But also not really taking any risks, you know, has really like held me back in a lot of ways. I don't say that like I've not taken risks because when I objectively look back, I have taken risks.
Like, you know, not many people would go to Honduras to do mission work, so I like get that objectively. But you know, I think that overall, like just even though every day or like choosing to do this thing versus that thing, like, you know, I'm always going on the side of what's more comfortable and I think that's really.
You know, held me back, you know, in, in a lot of ways and I'm, you know, hopeful and, and I think that it has definitely been a light for me to see that. And so that I can like, move forward and make, you know, better, more full, you know, full decisions that like will allow me to live like a more, a full like life of.
That I'm thriving in or whatnot. It's, yeah, it's a beautiful thing to be able to take risks and know that if you fail, it's okay. It really is. And uh, I think so many of us fear that, but, but it's beautiful. We've gone to that point. As you, as you know, usually the biggest effect on us is in our relationships.
And so I wanna talk about that a little bit. How have you seen. Parents divorce affect your relationships, everything from your friendships to dating relationships. I definitely value like some deep friendships. Um, those are harder to find and like, like get to because it takes more vulnerability and whatnot and um, you know, time and all that to get there.
Yeah. But I feel like I've definitely had some like beautiful friendships in there, but it's also hard to like try. Be full yourself, um, and feel, um, safe to do that. And I think that that is a challenge, you know, kind of goes back to like, you know, Can I risk this? Can I risk putting myself out there? You know, whether that's with just good friends or with, you know, somebody you're interested in romantically.
So yeah, I, it has, you know, from like the dating perspective, I'm single. So it definitely in that romantic relationship department has definitely affected me more, I would say for. Probably assume obvious reasons. Um, I, you know, have a huge fear of getting hurt and, you know, similar things happening to me that happen to my parents, and of course I don't want that.
And so, I mean, there are many reasons. Like I have a, I have a huge desire to be married and have a family and all of these things. And there's many factors that play into how, why dating is extremely difficult. Today. Um, but it, uh, you know, it adds to it when you're already kind of, you know, you have a lot of like, worry and fear, I guess to like enter in and to be vulnerable in this, like this way because, you know, we all have a desire to be fully seen and known and you know, and we want.
We want that in our, in the person that we're like clearly going to end up with for in, in a marriage. And so to do that just takes some risk and, and whatnot. And I, it's been, it's been challenging for me. I and my, the last, uh, dating relationship that I had definitely brought out a lot of, um, things that I needed to work on in terms of my own continued healing and, um, realizing how.
Still self protecting. I was being in terms of my like, you know, being, oh, I don't know, like open and, and whatnot. So, yeah. Yeah, I think it's definitely a challenge. And so in the, uh, private, online, um, group for the pri loss book, I, um, a lot of those. People are married. And so I feel sometimes, not all of them, but many of them are.
And so it feels like everyone's talking about their families and family life and all these things and, and their marriage struggles and just supporting each other in that and all of that. And I'm just like, Oh, but what is not turn, you know? And it's hard to, um, to kind of be there and, and to kind of enter in.
And I'm going to be 35 at the end, actually next week I'll be 35. And so, um, you know, I am not a young chicken anymore. And so it's challenging to, to kind of, to be that and to not like, think like, gosh, like is it because of my wounds that I'm still like single and I'm still like waiting and doing all these things and just kind of like, is that really part of the deal?
And, you know, it's just, it's, it's the reality that I'm in. Um, It's not bad, but it is just one of those things that just kind of is a lingering, ongoing effect. And I can't help but think that the fears or the, the concerns I had and the self protection that I had, you know, throughout my life, you know, has played into my inability to kind of like give myself more and to find the right person.
But also that it's just how the cookie crumbles. And I, and I trust that this my life, you know, is good and God has a plan and all of those beautiful things. So I'm not super hung up on it, but it is, you know, it is a reality and um, I can't help but think that, you know, some of that is, it's just part of the.
The hurdles to go through. Yeah. Hey, thank you for being so vulnerable with this. I know, yeah. I heard, heard so many stories and friends who, you know, they have just such a desire to be married, but for one reason or another it's just not happening. And like you said, you know, there's a lot that complained it, but.
Oh yeah. I have no doubt that, uh, you know, our parents' divorce separation plays a huge role kind of in entering into relationships, learning to love and, and definitely approaching marriage. I know for me, I was just terrified of, of marriage of love, cuz like you said, so, Well, I didn't wanna repeat my parents' mistakes, you know, I didn't wanna.
Allow someone to hurt me the way that I felt hurt by their breakup. And so I really loved at arm's length and took a lot of courage even to date, to be honest with you. It was, it was a hard thing to, to work through and yeah, I'm still working through it today. I, I think so many people listening can relate to this and I'm so glad you, you brought it up and you were so vulnerable because yeah, I think it's gonna give a lot of people a lot of hope and just let them know that they're not alone.
Pretty kind of a open book in that area, you know? So , that's a good thing. I, um, yeah, I randomly actually, when I was, um, in Florida, Kind of had a significantly regular like blog series that I was doing online that was, um, kind of geared towards single women. And so I definitely have a heart for single women and obviously still being single.
It's just kind of a thing that we're, that I'm dealing with. So, Yes, I am all about talking about that part too. Yeah, no, thank you. And I actually, in closing out, I wanna give you a chance to talk about that a little bit. And so the question really is, you know, what words of encouragement would you give to someone who comes from a broken family who, you know, feels broken, feels stuck, but maybe they don't feel broken or they don't feel stuck, they haven't connected the dots.
Um, and if you would kind of add to that too, someone who really has seen. Their relationships not work out for one reason or another, but in part because their parents divorce is separation. What words of encouragement would you give to, to someone in that position? My biggest thing for anybody who is really, who has parents are divorced wherever you are, just know that I think I, I just wanna tell you that it doesn't have to be this way.
It wasn't meant to be this way. and wherever you are, whatever feelings you have about it, feel them. It's okay to feel them and you're not alone. And please look for. Somebody to talk about it, even if you're not even sure what your feelings are about it. Say you're similar to me and you didn't even know that you should be upset about, or you could be upset about it.
Just ask. Like it's okay to ask about it, um, to somebody. And I know you might not have family or your parents aren't the people that you can do that with, but I know that, um, you Joy Wolf kind of talk about the ways that Restored has for the opportunity to share, but. I just encourage anybody, wherever they're at, wherever, wherever you are in your, your journey in terms of understanding your parents' divorce, how it's affecting you, whether or not you think it is, just be open to that.
Ask about it. Dive into it, and just. Allow yourself to feel and you're not alone, and just reach out to somebody if you're really, really struggling, if you're really in a dark place, definitely therapy is the way to go. Um, and for all the, all of you who do have parents, um, that are divorced and you're a single, and it is something that is challenging to kind of deal with, I also want to remind you that you are not alone.
You were made for more and you are more than your relationship status. It is. Your life matters just as it is right now. No matter where you are, whatever you're doing, your life matters and it is good, and good things are going to happen for you. Thank you so much. If people wanna connect with you, what's the best way to do that?
I'm on Instagram, but it's like private, but you're more than welcome to send me a message on there. Jen underscore Cox rn. I like check there regularly. It's private, so you just have to send me a message. I also have a blog. I don't regularly do that, but I do. Um, it's there. It has some of my. Story has, if you're single, has a lot of things on there, resources for that.
Um, it, that is jumping in puddles blog.com. Awesome. Thank you so much. We'll put all that in the show notes for you guys so you don't need to remember it. But Jen, thank you so much for just being so vulnerable with us, for sharing your story and for, uh, the, the awesome advice that you gave to really, really appreciate you being here.
And I know. Everyone listening is better for it. So thank you. Thank you Joey, and your encouragement is beautiful and I really appreciate it. And I'm, um, honored again that you asked me to be on here, and I'm excited to see where Restored goes, So thank you. So many good takeaways. Just a few to highlight guys, always remember, there's no shame in struggling.
There's no shame in being affected by your parents' divorce. There's no shame in not having everything together. It's okay not to be okay, and it's okay to ask for help. You cannot heal alone, and it's not a weakness to need help to heal. It's actually courageous to seek healing and to really wanna make yourself a better, stronger person.
One of the things that Jen said that really stuck out to me too was that were never really taught how to cope with difficult things in life or deep wounds in healthy ways. I totally relate to that, and I've felt that for a long time in my life. In fact, that's part of the reason why I started restored.
We wanna change that. We wanna give you guys the tools and the practical advice that you need to learn how to cope in healthy ways, to actually heal, to make healing simple, and to continue growing. So that you guys can feel hold again. And one tool we're actually creating for you guys is the book. We're writing a book and more info on that later.
That will probably be coming out late in 2020. It's the first book that we're writing, so still learning the process, but that'll be out later and it's really gonna be a tool to help you either begin your healing journey or to continue. Your healing journey. Jen had mentioned that there's a way for you to share your story with Restored, and you could do that in three easy steps.
You go to restoredministry.com/story. Again, that's restored. Ministry. Ministry is just singular.com/story. You'll fill out a, a short form, take a little bit of time to do that, and then once you submit it, we'll actually turn it into an anonymous blog article. And like Jen said, it's really one of the steps to heal, to share your story, to get it out of your head, out of your chest, onto paper, onto a screen, to to share it with other people.
And so this is just a tool, a way for you. To easily do that in a safe and private way. All the resources mentioned, uh, in the show are in the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 11. That's the number 11. Again, that's restored ministry.com/eleven. Thank you so much for listening. If this has been useful, please subscribe and share this podcast with someone that you know who could really use.
Always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
