#010: 5 Practical Tips to Cure Loneliness

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Written By Restored

Did you know that children of divorce are actually more prone to experience loneliness?

If you or someone you know struggles with loneliness, this episode is for you. You'll hear 5 common sense tips that you can start today to overcome loneliness.

eBook: 5 Practical Tips to Cure Loneliness

“Mom told my siblings and me that Dad would no longer live with us. In fact, they were getting divorced... Immediately, I froze. I went numb. The 11 year old Joey couldn’t handle that news.”
— 5 Practical Tips to Cure Loneliness
 

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TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

Do you feel alone? Do you struggle with loneliness? If you do, ironically, you're not alone. People like us, people whose parents are separated or divorced, are actually more likely to feel lonely according to the research. And guys, I really feel for people who struggle with loneliness because I've been there, it's horrible.

Loneliness is truly one of the worst things you can experience, But there's hope. Today we're gonna give you five practical tips that you could use. You can start them today to cure loneliness. Keep listening.

Welcome to the Restored podcast, helping you. Heal and grow after your parents' divorce or separation so you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 10, and before we get into the five tips, I wanna open up to you guys about my own struggle with loneliness.

It really started on the most painful day of my life, which was the day that my parents separated, and I'll never forget it. It was a warm spring day. I was 11 years old, and my mom sat me and my siblings down to break the news to us. She told me and my siblings that my dad would no longer be living with us.

In fact, they were getting a divorce. Immediately. Soon as I heard that news, I froze. I went. The 11 year old me couldn't handle that news. And up to that point, my dad was my hero. I looked up to him so much and I felt very safe in his presence. In fact, I wanted to be just like him as a young boy. I treasured the days that he would take me to work with him.

He was in construction, so we'd get up early, we'd get donuts and we'd go to the job site, and I love that. And like so many boys who, who look up to their dads, I loved covering my face and shaving cream and, uh, shaving it off with a comb just to be like my dad. And in short, I, I felt close to him. So when I found out he was leaving, when he was moving out, it shattered my world.

Like I said, the 11 year old me just didn't have the ability to cope with that news. And immediately I felt abandon. I felt unwanted and I felt like I wasn't good enough. And so all I could do was cry. And so I hid in the closet and I just cried. And as I sat there, a million thoughts raced through my head.

I worried about my parents and what would happen to them. I worried about my siblings and I worried about my myself. What would happen now? And even talking about it to this day, a sadness still shoots through my heart because it really was a traumatic and such a tragic day for my family. Following that day, I became very bitter, very angry.

Sad and fiercely independent. I didn't wanna rely on anyone, and I did all sorts of unhealthy things to cope with the pain that I was experiencing. Around that time. A friend of mine introduced me to pornography and so that became my drug of choice. And even at a young age, I knew that I wanted to be happy.

And the pornography, even though it felt good in the moment, brought some relief. It offered an escape, some comfort, a. I just felt so empty, and so all of that really made me feel extremely lone. Eventually I found some really good friends and that helped a ton, but I still struggle with loneliness. In high school, it got worse.

I was athletic. I played sports. People seemed to like me, but I still struggle with loneliness. I would isolate myself and I don't totally know why, but part of the reason I did that I think, is because I felt, unlike everyone else, why did I feel unlike everyone else, because of my broken. Because of the bad choices I had made due to the pain that I experienced when my parents broke up, because I felt broken, and it seemed like nobody else was not in the way that I was, so nobody would understand me.

I guess I, I felt out of place like I didn't belong and so I just felt lonely and even though I had good friends, I was afraid to open up to them. I was afraid to tell them because, well, What would they think? So I silently swore not to be vulnerable. I never wanted to allow anyone the power to hurt me the way that my parents' breakup did.

And since my friends couldn't help, I looked around for some support, but I didn't find anything. Surprisingly, support for people like me, people whose parents are separated or divorced. Didn't exist, as I learned over the years, actually wasn't alone and feeling lonely. Loneliness is such a common struggle for so many people, but especially for children of divorce or separation.

And there are some really practical ways to fix it. But before we get into that, I wanna say a couple really important things. So, Listen up here. If you're a teenager or a young adult and your parents are separated or divorced, or maybe in the process of doing that, you're in the right place. In fact, I created a ReSTOR for you.

And if you're someone who loves or leads young people like that whose parents are separated or divorced, You're in the right place as well. We wanna help you guys. Help them. Now, if anyone listening is looking for an academic report by PhD psychologists, you're actually in the wrong place. I'm sorry to break the news to you.

I have nothing against academics. I have a master's degree myself, and I have a lot of friends who have PhDs. But I've learned in life we often complicate things that are actually pretty simple. And so the advice you're about to hear is simple because I believe that the simpler the advice, the more likely we are to actually implement it into our lives.

And so what you're about to hear really is just some common sense, practical advice on overcoming loneliness. It's based on my experience of wrestling with loneliness after my parents separated 15 years ago. It's based on the experience of others pulling lessons from their stories, and we have some research and expert advice.

That's referenced in this show where it's needed. So I'm not against that at all. But like I said, you don't need a master's degree to, to do this stuff or to listen to this podcast. We wanna really keep it simple. Now, all that being said, if your struggle with loneliness guys is extreme or paralyzing, even, go see a counselor and you could find a counselor if you go to our website at ReSTOR.

ministry.com/coaching. Again, that's restored ministry.com/coaching Ministry is a singular. Once you go to that website, the second step is just filling out a simple form. It'll take one to two minutes, and then from there we'll connect with you to show you options for counselors that you can connect with, counselors that we trust, that we approve.

Now, the reason I'm saying all this is because there are cases. Where loneliness is tied to some other serious psychological problem that really requires professional help. The advice that we're giving in this episode is no substitute for. Whether it's for those of us who struggle with loneliness, that is not due to a chemical I balance or a deeper psychological issue, because I believe that most loneliness is actually situational or even self-inflicted as opposed to loneliness caused by some serious or deep psychological issue.

So if you're in a really dark place with loneliness, Go see a counselor. And I know it's scary. It takes courage to do that. But take that first step. Go to the website, connect with the counselor, and one final thing before we dive into the content, the tips that we're about to give you. Are very practical and you can start them today, like I said at the top of the show, but do not do them all.

It'll overwhelm you, especially if these things are are new and you're trying them for the first time or you're not doing them in your life. In that case, really none of them will last, at least not for the long term instead, What I recommend is find one of them, find one of these tips that will help you the most, and then focus hard on implementing that into your life.

You're gonna see a lot more results by having a really narrow focus than trying to do everything at once. All right, let's dive in. The loneliness. It's a huge topic. It's a common struggle in our world. Yeah. Like I mentioned at the top of the show, and you saw my story, Children of. Are more prone to it.

And before we get into that, we really should ask the question, Well, what is loneliness? And as you can guess, loneliness is not just being alone. That's solitude. And solitude is healthy. We all need that. Everyone needs a alone time. But loneliness really is a lack of intimacy or belonging, right? You could be in a crowded room full of people and still feel lonely.

Broadly speaking, researchers define loneliness as the gap between the kind of relationships you desire. And the kind that you have. And another way to say it is the quality of your relationships doesn't live up to the hope you have for them. And there's two types of loneliness. There's social isolation and emotional isolation.

And the distinction's pretty, pretty simple. Social isolation is when you keep to yourself, you isolate yourself and you don't interact with other people. It's really a lack of relationships. Or maybe you have relationships, but you're not really spending time with your. And an example of this, of course, is someone who just locks themself up in their apartment, in their room or their dorm most of the time.

Emotional isolation is different. It's when you have those friendships and you see them frequently, but you don't feel close to those people, you don't feel understood. An example of this is a woman who has a husband and friends, but she feels like her relationships are lacking, that closeness, that intimacy, that she longs.

As children of divorce, there's a lot of reasons why we feel alone, but like you heard in my story, I think underneath it all, we feel like we don't belong. Even in our own families. Sometimes we feel broken. We feel unlike anyone else. We feel like nobody gets us. We're slow to trust and we tend to be very independent, so we don't wanna rely on anyone else.

We tend to be loaners, even though statistically we're not alone. Because as you've probably heard me say before, each year over 1 million American children suffer the divorce that their parents, but we still feel alone. Psychological research confirms that we are more likely to struggle with things like anxiety, loneliness, low self-esteem, and sadness.

Another study found that young people with divorced parents are more susceptible to loneliness than young people with non divorce parents. And I know guys hearing that can be really discouraging, but do not give up hope. There are some solutions. Some things you can do to fix loneliness, and that's what we're gonna dive in right now.

So how do you overcome loneliness? Well, the first thing is, of course there's no magic pill. There's no perfect solution. I wish there was. I wish I could tell you guys that wish I had that to offer, but there's not, unfortunately. But we do wanna offer five tips for these tips are human tips, and one of them as a spiritual tip.

The first tip is find meaning. In your life, find meaning in your life. Have you heard of Victor Frankel? Victor Frankel was an Austrian psychiatrist who was locked up in a concentration camp in World War ii, and during his imprisonment, he observed why some of the people in the concentration camp survived the Nazis starvation and torture and why others did not.

And in short, what he learned was that the people who had a. Reason to live were the people who survived. In other words, those who found meaning a reason to live that was much bigger than themselves, were able to endure even the hell of a concentration camp. And so the fact that these people could survive such misery says something.

And on the flip side, those who lost meaning were more likely to give up and even take their own lives or or die. So Victor Frankel wrote a book about all this, and the book is called Man's Search for Meaning, just a phenomen. Book and we'll, we'll put that in the show notes for you guys. But what he concluded again was that more than anything in the world, more than power, pleasure, money, fame, we long for meaning in our lives.

We want a deep reason to live that's bigger than ourselves, and we long for that, so much that we're willing to give up, pleasure or comfort, and even in dirt pain. If the reason is good enough, there's a million examples of this, but you can think of a mother who's carrying a baby maybe through really difficult and painful pregnancy, or giving birth through really painful labor or a soldier putting himself through some really rigorous training, some painful training work, maybe even torture without giving up, you know, secrets for his country because he loves his country so much, and the point is comfort, power, pleasure, Those things can only last so long, but meaning can last.

So how do you find meaning in your life? Uh, that's obviously a huge question, but one way to do that is to find your mission in life. Find the purpose for which you exist. That's easy, right? No, of course not. But really what I've learned is the search is half the battle. And so while you're on that journey of funding your meaning in life, and that goes beyond just your job.

Or what you wanna do with your life, but really why are you on this planet? What are you here for? What's the purpose of your life? You really owe it to yourself to think about those questions. And those are big, deep questions, but reflect on those questions. Think about that, and really figure out why you're here.

And in the meantime, while you're doing that, while you're discovering that. Get outside of yourself. Serve people who are struggling more than you are. Serve people who are lonelier than you are. Do that by helping out a food kitchen for homeless people or maybe reaching on to a friend of yours who is going through a rough time.

And the practical ideas for this tip is to simply grab a pen and paper, or you can just grab your phone and make three short lists. These don't need to be perfect perfectionist. I'm watching you, and they don't need to be big or complete. You can always go back and edit them later. So don't stress out about this, but make three different lists.

On the first list, ask yourself the question, What am I passionate about? When you do these things, time flies by and you feel energized just by doing that. Simple examples of this are exercising, cooking things you really. Are passionate about. For the next list, ask yourself the question, what skills do I have?

This is stuff that you're good at and you've able to learn these skills. Or maybe you're just naturally talented in these areas. Examples of this are playing music or sports or, or something else much simpler. And one thing about this, I've often been surprised to see how people think. They're not skilled at anything.

But then when you start talking to them and they start sharing about their experiences and different training they've had, Things that they can do, They actually know more about something or they're able to do something that most other people can't or maybe not in the exact way that they can do it.

And so that's what I'm talking about here. This doesn't mean that you're world class edit. Doesn't mean that you're gonna win a gold medal for whatever you're doing, but it's something that you're skilled at. And for the third list, the last list, ask yourself the question, what needs. In the world resonate with me.

And these, these are real needs that hit your hard and move, right? These are outside of yourself. They're not just things you're passionate about. You may be passionate about them, but these are real needs that people are experiencing in the world, and you just wanna help. Maybe these things make you angry or make you sad, and you really wish that things were different.

Examples of these are, of course, women in unplanned pregnancies. Maybe you just wanna help them or abuse victims. It looks different for different people. And one little tip, if you wanna apply this exercise for a job, if you wanna find a job that you'd love for that third list, instead of asking the question, you know, what needs in the world resonate with me?

You can just ask yourself the question, What can I do that's gonna make me some money? What can I do that will provide for myself, for my. And so the point of this exercise, of course, is not to help you get a job, but you can adapt it a little bit to find that. And really the intersection of your passions, your skills, and then the needs in the world could give you a clue.

I'm not gonna say it's final, but it could give you a clue about your purpose in life. And so this exercise has really helped me, so I hope it helps you guys too. Again, the three questions are, what am I passionate about? What skills do I have? And then what needs in the world resonate with me? So that's the first tip.

Find meaning in your life. Tip number two, build your relationships. And this, this goes back to my own story. Building authentic relationships has really helped me. Being known, being loved is really one of our most basic human needs. But instead of focusing on finding people to just love you, focus on loving others.

Make friendships a priority and not just focus on finding great friends, but focus on being a great friend. Build those quality friendships, not just a lot of surface friendships. I'm, my personality tends to just have closer, deeper, close friendships. But I know some personalities like having a lot of friends and there's nothing wrong with that, but make sure there's at least a few people who you could go deep with.

And I know this is a sensitive topic, but if it's healthy, And if it's safe for you, make relationships with your family a priority, especially your parents. This is something I'm still working on and, and the reason I mention this is because the research shows that the quality of your relationship with your parents impacts.

Your level of loneliness. In other words, a good relationship with one or both of your parents can actually decrease the loneliness that you feel and it actually strengthens your self esteem. Now, again, guys, only if that's healthy and safe for you and take your time as well, especially if you feel far from your parent.

It just needs to be gradual. And of course, you need good boundaries if there's been situations where boundaries have been broken. All right? Now back to your friends. When you're with them guys, put down your. Really challenge yourself to face the demands of friendships so that you can experience the joys too.

And remember, friends are actually good for you. Probably don't think of this when you're setting up a time to hang out with your friends or heading over to see 'em. But science actually says that greater social connection is associated with a 50% reduced risk of early death. So if you wanna extend your life, Hang out with your friends and if you're single, what I would say to you is work on building genuine friendships before starting any dating relationship.

And there's no reason to be perfect. I, I'm not saying that you have to be flawless before you enter into a dating relationship, cuz you probably never would, but just make sure you're healthy and whole before you. On that path of dating, seek healing for your brokenness and try to overcome the weaknesses you have, especially those serious weaknesses.

That's really the best gift that you can give to your future spouse, and it's gonna make your relationships so much better. And one last thing about friendships that really helped me. It became comfortable really gradually. To reflect on and share my story with my friends. And without becoming unhealthy, my friendships actually became healing.

I opened up to the right people, especially my guy friends. I found that it was really helpful and began to feel understood. I felt like I belonged, and so I really hope you guys can get to that point where, You can open up to one, two, or three of your friends just about the things that you've experienced in your life, and you can even tell them, you know, again, without this becoming unhealthy or a codependent relationship, or just relying on each other in unhealthy ways, you can tell them that you're feeling lonely.

The practical ideas for this tip are really simple. Just write down three people who you wanna be closer friends. And again, this is non-romantic, just three people who you wanna be closer friends with. And to take that a step further, schedule a time. Each week or every other week or once a month, however often, to hang out with those close friends.

Put it on your calendar, right? Set a reminder, turn an alert on so you don't forget, and just do that. Make that a habit. I do this with some of my friends who are spread out all over the country. We have one night a month that we just. Take to FaceTime or Skype each other and it's really good. We did that on like the, I think it's the second Monday of the month.

And it's super, super helpful to just have like that same time every month. And we often end up moving it to another night. But the point is we're actually doing it because it's on the calendar and we have reminders set up to, to tell us. And of course we're being intentional about it. Putting on your calendar is not automatically gonna make you do it, but you'll be more likely to do it.

And another friend of mine, uh, we hang out like every three weeks. We. Said, and I realized that some of you guys are like, Ugh, I don't wanna put things on my calendar. I'm not like that. I'm not that structured. And that's fine, but have some sort of regular routine way that you hang out with your friends if that's not happening.

And using your calendar doesn't make you like a need freak. So that's okay. So the second tip again, is build your relationships. The third tip to cure loneliness is change your negative thinking. Patterns not long ago. I've read an article in Psychology Today that explained, uh, a meta-analysis study about loneliness.

And if you're not familiar with meta-analysis studies, they're basically studies that summarize other studies that have been conducted instead of. Conducting their own study. And what they did in the study is they looked at various methods of treating loneliness, and they just asked the question, What is the most effective method at decreasing loneliness?

There were four methods that they considered. The first method was improve social skills. The second method was enhanced social support. The third was increase. Opportunities for social interaction. And then the fourth method is change negative thinking patterns. And I'll explain each of them a little bit.

So, improve social skills. So this is basic. This is learning how to have a conversation, how to hold eye contact, how to ask questions, how to pick up on social cues, things like that. The second enhanced social support. So this means people who will support you, who will be there for you if you're struggling or you're facing a problem in your life.

The next method was increase opportunities for social interactions. So basically, you know, if you're not going out and seeing people, just do that. Attend events, play games, join a league, whatever. So the last method was change, negative thinking patterns. And just to explain this one a little bit, the research found, it's kind of surprising, but the research found that over time, chronic loneliness, Makes us increasingly sensitive to.

And on the lookout for rejection and hostility in ambiguous social situations, lonely people immediately think the worst. Another way to say that is lonely people pay more attention to the negative in social situations than the positive. For example, if a lonely person is out with a friend, uh, who's maybe acting kind of distant, they're not really talking, they're not making eye contact, that seem kind of distracted, that lonely person may immediately think that they must have done something wrong.

That or something's wrong with them, and that causes the lonely person to withdraw, to isolate themselves further, which makes them more lonely. And so you could just see it's just this vicious cycle of loneliness. Now, which of those methods do you think was the most effective at reading this? I thought, well, it's probably one of the first three.

Right, because improving your social skills, that's definitely has to help. You know, getting more social support, people who can support you in difficult times, that's definitely gonna help too. And of course, interacting with more people is definitely gonna help when it comes to loneliness. But I was actually wrong.

I, I thought that, but I was actually wrong. What the study found was the most effective method was changing negative thinking patterns. The article went on to say, treatment methods aimed at changing. Thinking patterns were on average four times more likely than other methods in reducing loneliness four times.

In fact, the other three approaches weren't particularly effective at all. Pretty amazing. So what's the takeaway? Your thinking matters that much. And you may have heard this old proverb that's often attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson. So a thought reenact. So an act reap a habit. So a habit reap a character.

So a character, Repa Destiny. In other words, that really all starts with our thoughts, what we think matters, and in a way, our life is really a result. Of our thoughts. And so when you fall into negative thinking, immediately challenge your negative thoughts. Engage 'em with a logical part of your mind.

Don't just let your emotions rule. You can ask the question, is that actually true or is there maybe another way to look at it? And going back to the example of going out with a friend who's acting kind of distant, the what the lonely person should do is ask the question, is it possible? That maybe they had a difficult day, that maybe their boyfriend or their girlfriend broke up with them, or maybe their family's going through a rough time.

You know, asking that question is completely reasonable, cuz that might be the case. It might not be you, it might be something else. And so just consider other ways of looking at it if you immediately go to attack yourself or think that, Oh my gosh, I'm horrible and this takes being really intentional.

But it does work as the research shows. And don't be afraid too, to ask people if there's something you did that was. Don't constantly ask this question. You know, think through the other possible reasons why they might be feeling that way. But you can ask them, Hey, was there something I did that rubbed you the wrong way?

Or was there something I did that bothered you? And so the practical ideas here, kind of like I was just going through. And so the practical ideas for this tip, every night while you're brushing your teeth, just take two minutes, one minute to reflect on the things that you were thankful. And I know this might sound funny, or this might sound like a silly tip, but Harvard Research on Happiness actually shows that people who did this really simple exercise of reflecting on three things that they're thankful for, reported higher levels of happiness.

And so my wife and I, we do this every night. We just say three things that we're thankful for, and it could be really simple. I'm really thankful for the ice cream that I just say. I'm really thankful for the show that we watch. I'm thankful for the friends that we have. Whatever it is, it doesn't need to be complex.

Keep it simple. And if you're not seeing any progress after you try this for a bit, go ahead and seek out a counselor. Go, go find a counselor. There's really no shame in doing that. It's really helped me and they're, again, they're professionally trained to deal with this stuff, and so go to them. They have a bunch of tools and techniques that they can help beyond what I just offer that can help you change your negative thinking patterns so you don't feel so alone.

So the third tip, change your negative thinking. Patterns. Tip number four is a really simple and quick tip, guys. Find a community that understands you. And what I mean by this, friendships are fantastic, but you also need a tribe of people that are like you, that understand you and that know you what you've been through, and they know your experience.

And I love my friends. They're awesome, but they can't always relate to me when it comes to the struggles that I. As a child of divorce. And so being around people who get that at least from time to time is really healthy, important, and even healing. And so there's really nothing complicated here. Like I mentioned before, at the core of loneliness is a feeling that we don't belong.

And so finding a place where we do belong is incredibly healing. So find a tribe. Some practical ideas here for this. Tip, you can join a club, a league, a group on campus, and again, seek out counseling if you need it, especially group counseling. That could be really helpful. For this tip store, we have a free online community.

You can join our online community by going to restored ministry.com. Again, ministry is singular restored ministry.com/. Community on there. You'll fill out a quick form, again, one to two minutes, and then we'll get back to you through email and get you edited into the group and some of the benefits to that.

You're just, again, surrounded by people who understand you. They know what you've been through, they've probably been through it themselves. You can speak freely about the stuff that you're dealing with, again, to a group of people who actually get it, and you'll be challenged to grow into a better and stronger person and learn how to deal with the pain and the problems that you face in your life.

And so we'd love to have you in our online community. Again, that's restored ministry.com. Slash community. So that fourth tip again is find a community that understands you. And then our last tip. And like I mentioned, the four tips that we just went through we're more human tips. But this last tip is a spiritual tip.

And so the tip is build your relationship with God. And guys, listen up if you don't believe in God. If you have a rocky relationship with God or no relationship at all, you may be hesitant to keep listening, but I really encourage you to keep listening wherever you're at. It's okay to be there. And in those cases where you're really struggling in your relationship with God or you maybe don't even believe that God exists, I challenge you just to take an objective look.

An honest look at whatever it is that's holding you back from that. What I've often found is as children of divorce, typically the reasons we have for rejecting God or rebelling against God is usually more emotional than intellectual. And so for example, if you doubt God's existence, then take a serious look at the arguments for and against it.

You really owe it to yourself to seek those answers. Cuz this is a. Deal. Again, I'm not trying to shove God down your guys' throats, but this is a big deal and we all deserve to really ask these questions and to consider these things. If you're like me, the barriers to your relationship with God, like I said, aren't intellectual, rather they're emotional, and I've struggled, guys.

I've really struggled and still do at times to answer the question, why does God allow? So much evil and suffering in our world if he's a good God. And like I've said before, we're gonna do like a separate episode or maybe even a series of episodes talking about this topic, so there's no sound bite that I can offer to you to answer this question of.

Evil and suffering in our world. But if you wanna learn more about it, I'm gonna link to two videos in the show notes. One of them's by Chris Stephanic, who really awesome, awesome guy. I know him personally. He's just the man. And in this video he asked the question, Why does God let us suffer? And so again, that's in the show notes.

Which I'll give you at the end. The second video is from a Catholic priest, Father Mike Schmitz. He's awesome, awesome priest. The title of his video is, Why does God Let Bad Things Happen? Really, Really Well Done Video, and he just dives into this problem of why does God let us suffer if he's. So good. And just to touch on this topic briefly, you know, how have I dealt with this problem of pain and suffering in my life?

There's so much to say here, but just to keep it brief, I've dealt with it through prayer and through reflecting on the suffering and death of Jesus, and I've realized that. As I was suffering through my family's breakup, as I was going through all that pain, God wasn't simply observing at all from the distance that that's kind of how I felt to be honest with you.

I was like, God, where the heck are you? Where are you? And where were you looking back now? Where were you God, in those moments when I needed you the most? Where were you? And what I've learned over the years, and I'm very convinced of this, is that he was right there with me. In the messiness, in the brokenness, his heart was breaking with mine.

He was saying, I hate this too. I don't want it to be this way. Now, of course, you may be thinking, Well, why does God allow that? And the simple answer again, which needs much more explanation, which is why I mentioned those two videos, is that God values human freedom. That much. And then the second part of that, of course, is that he can bring good out of evil.

And there's a ton of examples of this, which again we'll get into in a later episode, but that still doesn't answer this question perfectly, Especially when you see a baby with cancer or some natural disaster that just kills a ton of people and wounds and mames others. But that priest that I mentioned, Father Mike Schmitz, what he says is that sometimes God's only response to our pain is his presence.

And it takes time to chew on that. I totally get it. But that's helped me so much. God's like a true friend who doesn't just like take away our problems, but he endures them with us. And again, guys, our relationship with God I realize is not an easy topic for so many people. I just know that he knows you.

Better than you know yourself. He's always present and he loves you passionately, and in the end, only he can ultimately satisfy that ache in your heart. For intimacy only, he can truly be the ultimate cure for loneliness. Even if those human things help a ton, only God can ultimately fulfill us. Now, the practical ideas here.

Spend time with God, just sit in silence with him for 10 minutes every day. Start just with one day. If you don't do this at all, that's okay. You can schedule it right. The two important things to do this are you need a time and you need a place somewhere in your house, in your apartment, on your campus, somewhere where you can just sit with God and talk with him, and speaker and writer, Matthew Kelly suggests that we just ask the questions.

God, who am I? Who are you? What am I here for? And what matters most and what matters least. So just ask those four questions in another tactic for talking with God, as Matthew Kelly likes to call it in the classroom of silence. Tell him about your life, right? You don't need to go to him with like a perfect speech prepared.

Just talk about what matters to you. He wants to hear it. And if you're struggling with something in life, tell him about it. Right? If you're having a hard time making a decision, ask him what he thinks and don't expect him to communicate to you like we do, right? Talking to each other audibly in my life, he's spoken to me more through my desires, through my thoughts, through my past experiences, and reflecting on them, and mostly through other people.

And one thing that's really helped me really untangle. My distorted image of God, especially due to my parents' separation and divorce, was finding a spiritual director. So this is like a coach that can help you navigate your relationship with God, that can help you answer questions that you have about God and maybe questions that you're struggling with, and to live out God's plan for your life, which is always a plan that helps you flourish, helps you thrive in life, even if there's suffering involved.

And you could find a spiritual director by going to restored. Dot com slash coaching. That's the same link as the counselors. We have two separate networks of counselors that we trust and spiritual directors that we trust and recommend. And uh, just like with the counseling, if there's not someone in your local area, you can meet with them, uh, on FaceTime, on Skype, or maybe even just over the phone and start to talk things through.

It can be super, super helpful. And in my life, that's been really healing overall, but especially when it comes to building my relationship with God in battling loneliness. And so again, the last. Build your relationship with God. I wanna quickly name them off again, the first tip, find meaning in your life.

The second tip, build your relationships. And then the third tip, change your negative thinking patterns. Number four is find a community. That understands you, and number five is build your relationship with God. A bonus tip for you guys, you've probably heard the saying, mind over matter, but there's actually another saying that goes body over mind and basically it's so easy to feel lonely when we're stuck inside our heads.

Right? Like we talked about those negative thinking patterns. And so one cure is to just exercise, like move your bodies, get your blood pumping, and without getting into all the signs behind it, cause there's a lot of research on this out there, exercising is gonna make you feel better. And so do whatever you can, do, whatever is safe for you to do.

Go on a run, ride a bike, swim, walk, lift weights, play a sport, do whatever exercise you. To do. And if you don't like exercising, then just go on a walk or do something that's a little bit more active than what you're used to. And this tip has helped me a ton, really exercises nature's medicine because it pumps your bodies with really good feeling endorphins.

And the last thing I wanna say here, guys, is. Loneliness is usually a symptom of a greater problem. And so I don't just wanna focus on treating the symptom of loneliness, but really getting down to the root problem. An example of this would be if you have a toothache, you should find relief from that pain, right?

You might need to take medicine or put ice on it, whatever, but it would be really foolish to simply stop there. Just just focus on making your tooth feel better and nothing more. You really should go to the dentist. Allow him to look at the tooth and discover why it is. Your tooth hurts so that he can fix the underlying problem so you can fix the underlying problem.

It's the same thing with loneliness, and so I invite you to think about this, to reflect on it, to journal on it, and really uncover that root cause. It may really help you realize that you need to fix another problem in your life first. And by fixing that problem, you may realize that you feel less alone.

And doing that alone can be scary, right? You might need a guide to face those problems. And so get a counselor or a spiritual director, or both. And like I said, many of the tips that we gave you guys do actually focus on the root cause, which is essentially, like I said, feeling like we don't belong because our family has broken and our parents aren't together.

But still, there may be other problems underneath it all that deserve attention to. And so here's the challenge for you guys. Pick one of these tips to implement today or tomorrow. Write it down on a post-it note. Put it on your desk, your bed, your laptop. You know, ask a friend to check in with you frequently and hold you accountable to, to doing that thing.

Or you can email us. You can email me. What practical idea you're starting and I can help keep you accountable. So you can email me@joeyrestoredministry.com. Again, that's joey restored ministry.com, and totally open to feedback too. On this episode. What, what was helpful, what wasn't helpful? I wanna learn so that we can create content that's better for you guys.

But if you wanna share what you're gonna do to help decrease the loneliness in your life, then go ahead and email me again. That's Joey ReSTOR. ministry.com and whatever you choose the advice in this episode, it's only gonna make your life better if you put it into action, thinking about it as fine and good, but it's only gonna make your life better if you put it into action.

So get after it. The resources and the citations to the different studies that I mentioned are in the show notes, uh, restored. ministry.com/ten, and if you want, you can actually get an ebook with this content on that link, and that's for free. Again, that's restored ministry.com/ten, the number 10. Thank you so much for listening if this episode has been useful for you guys.

Go ahead and subscribe and share this episode with someone you know who could use it. And always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person. You were born to be.

Restored

Restored creates content that gives teens and young adults the tools and advice they need to cope and heal after the trauma of their parents’ divorce or separation, so they can feel whole again.

https://restoredministry.com/
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