#044: Practical Tips for Becoming a Great Parent | Mike & Alicia Hernon
For most people, becoming a parent is beautiful but also scary and intimidating. But that is especially true for people from broken families. Often, we didn’t see a great example of parenthood, so we feel lost and unsure how to do it ourselves.
In this episode, we talk parenting with Mike and Alicia Hernon, the parents of 10 kids and leaders of a ministry for parents called The Messy Family Project. We discuss:
How his parents’ divorce affected Mike as a husband and father
Fears he had about becoming a father, how he overcame them, and how you can too
Should you put your marriage first or your children first and why is that important?
Lots of practical parenting tips, especially for new parents
Encouragement if you feel like you don’t have what it takes to be a good parent because you never experienced it in your family
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
For most people becoming a parent is a really beautiful thing, but it's also scary. It's also intimidating and that's especially true for those of us who come from broken families. So often we didn't see a great example from maybe one or both parents of what it looks like. To be a great parent. So when it's our turn, we feel a bit lost.
Like we don't know how to do it. We don't know how to be a great parent. And we lack the confidence that we need to be a great parent. And so today we talk parenting with a married couple who has 10 kids. You heard that, right? They have 10 children. They also run a non-profit for parents called the messy family project.
The husband Mike, he comes from a broken home. And so he shares his story and how alcoholism really played a big role in the breakdown of his family's parents' marriage, which so many of us deal with and where you're gonna get out of this episode, by listening to it, you're gonna hear us discuss how his parents divorce affected him as a father and a husband.
He shares some of the fears that he had as a father and how he overcame them. Lots of good lessons that we can take and use. We discussed the question. Should you put your marriage. Or should you put your kids first? And we talk about why that's a super important question to ask and my guests get pretty vulnerable and they share how they've failed as parents and what they've learned because of it.
So we can learn from them and avoid making those mistakes in the first place. They also give a lot of great practical tips on parenting, especially for new parents out there. And finally, anyone out there who feels like they don't have what it takes to, to be a great parent, because maybe you didn't see that growing up.
They give a lot of encouragement and some advice on how to deal with that and how to overcome then how to be a great parent, very refreshing conversation, full of hope, lot a practical advice. And even if you're not a parent now, but you hope to be one day, you're gonna get a lot out of the episode. So keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce separation of broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 44 and today I speak with Mike and Alicia Hernan. They're the proud parents of 10 children ranging from eight to 25 years old.
They also lead the messy family project, a ministry seeking to encourage and empower parents in building vibrant families. Their podcast has grown to over 10,000 families listening every month. It's probably even more than that at this point. And they've been guests on shows such as the Catholic TV network EWTN.
Mike's actually hosted shows on EEW, TN, and he's appeared on Fox news, CNN and NPR, their children. They. Are the greatest joy in life. And as a family, they love to play music theater, playing board games and watching the Philadelphia Eagles, which my wife will be happy about. Cuz she is a Philly girl. She loves the Eagles and Mike and Alicia say that their home is always loud.
It's active and it's busy. And on a person I have to say they, they have a really beautiful family. I've been to their home. I met Alicia years ago after college, I went to Italy to teach English for two months. I lived over there for two months in Italy, just awesome experience. But in order to get that job, I had to submit a video of me teaching kids in English lesson.
And so Mike and Alicia were super generous and allowing me to work with their kids, uh, to make that video, uh, it was successful. I did get the job and it was just an awesome experience. So I have interacted with, with Mike Alicia and their kids and I just have. Beautiful family. They're everything that you would want them to be.
And they've built a really beautiful family, a really beautiful marriage. And so I'm excited for you to learn from them about parenting. You'll hear in the show also that Bridget and I, my wife are expecting a baby girl. So this is actually our second pregnancy. Our first pregnancy, we, we had a miscarriage was really difficult thing to go through, but now, uh, we've had a successful pregnancy.
Everything's looking good so far. So in two months, our baby girl will arrive. We cannot wait to meet her. I can't wait to meet her. Uh, it is super exciting. It's beautiful, but it's also kind of intimidating. This is a new chapter for us is gonna bring new challenges, but also, uh, you know, new joy, new meaning into our lives.
So please, uh, keep us in your prayers and I'm super excited to learn from this conversation with you because I'm a new dad. And so here's my conversation with Mike and Alicia,
Mike and Alicia. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Uh, it is great to be with you, Joey. Thanks for inviting us. Yeah. Thanks for having us, Mike. I, I didn't know that you were a child of divorce. I had, I knew about you cuz I went to Franciscan and uh, we have mutual friends, but I didn't know that you came from a broken home and apparently we both spoke at, uh, the same event recently.
And so I wanna. Start there. Uh, Mike, I'd love for, if you could just give us a summary of your story. I'm sure we could do a whole podcast episode on, on your story, but yeah. Give us a little bit of a background. Sure. Um, so I, I was raised in, um, in New York and I came from a, um, you know, my, my father was an, um, alcoholic, a recovering alcoholic and my parents got divorced, separated first.
And then, uh, ultimately got divorced, uh, in my early teen years. Uh, right. As I was getting into high school, I was thinking, gonna say New York, Irish Catholic alcoholic. Right. How many? That's just like every, so many people's story. Right. And, and I, for me, it was, um, you know, it was, it was a, a lull, uh, after my parents' divorce.
Yeah. Uh, there was some quiet in the home, but there was a lot of carnage, you know, I was always looking for, uh, peace. I think I was looking for some kind of escape and, and, uh, I actually started down the same path as my dad, uh, and early teen, I began drinking, but it wasn't until I, uh, kind of played my life forward for whatever reason, as a, as a teenager and saw I was heading down a path of destruction, it was grace and it was, yeah.
And I, I have to say, I think it was my mom's prayers, uh, that, that kind of shook me, uh, and woke me up to the fact that I was a mess and my life was a mess and through counseling, through prayer and, uh, just some good, good friends, uh, was able to really, you know, deal with that over, over the next number of years.
But for me, it was, it was a moment where I remember looking back and saying, this isn't what marriage is about. And this isn't what family life is about. Yeah. And I, I was looking from a very early teen years saying, um, what, what is marriage? What is family? And looking for models because I was, uh, You know, I, I, I, I knew what I had.
Wasn't the, the model, the perfect model. And I wanted something better. Mm-hmm so, anyway, I, I, I could go on, we actually did it recently, just did a whole podcast, um, on this, but I, I, um, I look back at that moment of my parents' divorce and although it had so much loss and so much pain and so much wounds that came from it, um, it also was a pivotal moment where I think we're doing.
Uh, you know, with our, our marriage and family, uh, effort that we're doing right now, the organization that we're leading I think was really birthed through that. And so out of my struggle and out of our, my woundedness, uh, it has, has changed and affected me as a husband and as a father, and has really brought me to a place where my faith is, is alive and real for me, because I, I needed something beyond my own ability to fix if you will.
And even though obviously this is Mike's story, not my story, but in walking with him these past 30 years, 30 plus years, you know, through the divorce, cuz he, his parents were divorced when he was 16. And then we met when he was 18. I think it's just important to note that there's several moments of conversion, you know, it's not like, oh, you know, in Mike's whole story, it's like the divorce was a pivotal moment.
And then there. Other pivotal moments after that, where God continued that process of healing and conversion, you know, it's not like we're not healed all at once. It's. You know, God gives us what we can handle at that time. And that's part of the beauty of walk, you know, the journey, the journey. It's not just like, oh great.
Now everything's perfect. I've arrived. You know, I thought it was a one and done thing. I didn't, would it be nice? It was like that, but sorry. No, absolutely. That, that was one of the unique things about this trauma is that it's like, in a way it's like an unending trauma, because most of the time our families don't come back together.
So it's so challenging, but Mike, I relate so much to what you said about just wanting the opposite of what you saw in your family. And I think that's so true for so many people listening right now. Like we desire something better. We don't want to go down the same path that our, our parents went down. We don't wanna repeat the mistakes that we saw in our family dis dysfunction there.
And so it's beautiful to see, like, you guys are so inspiring to see the beautiful family in the marriage that you've built and I'm sure. Yeah. It's been a journey and it's been I'm sure struggles along the way, but I'm curious. Mike specifically looking at you as a husband and a father. Uh, how have you seen your parents divorce affect you in those roles?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the reality is, is that there are probably still ways that I'm still uncovering and I think it's true. It's true for me. And it probably is true for others that I, I, I played forward. Right. You know, I, as a single man looking forward, I wasn't sure I could get married. I wasn't sure if I'd be a good dad, there was fears, there was apprehensions and, you know, counseling really played a role as well as for me a, um, really a spiritual father, uh, that, that stepped in, uh, to really walk me through that if you will, so that I could have a deeper level of confidence entering into marriage and in parent.
But ultimately I would say that it, it, it, the, the fears of am I gonna repeat the same mistakes, uh, of my parents, am I gonna have? And I did have anger issues, you know, and, and, and, uh, things that I had to work through as I became a dad, it was, it is almost as if you can only do so much looking at it, uh, from a distance.
And the real transformation in my life happened in the midst of being a husband and a father. Um, as opposed to, although I did have real fears and kind of concerns coming into this, I was so attracted to my wife. I, I abandoned all fear and abandoned, then no reason and jump in. And, and really that, that saved me, you know, because I, I, again, as, as a, as somebody who, you know, believes in, in God as father, um, I realized that I had a major impediment.
In relating to God as father, because of my own earthly father and wrestling with that, understanding that and getting to a place where I needed to be healed first as a son, before I could become a spouse. And then a father, if that makes sense to you, like my identity needed to be confirmed and affirmed that I was somebody's beloved son.
And as, uh, there's a moment. And, um, my, my eldest daughter, I, I have this moment where. I remember sitting there and I was, was holding this infant who did nothing for me, uh, who all that, that we, we fed her, we clothed her, we woke up with her in the middle of the night. And then as a thanks, she would throw up on us.
She would fill up her diaper, you know, this is, but, but I couldn't, I couldn't just understand how I could love her this much, you know, be it was almost overwhelming. And then I get to a place as I'm I'm sitting there and I hear this whisper of God to me. And now you have a glimpse of how much I love you.
Yeah. And for me it was, it was a, a pivotal moment. Again, I know everyone comes at a different standpoint, but if it was in that gift of me being a father of me, understanding. That I began to even receive love and to be healed and affirmed as a son. Um, and that was really a, a, a pivotal moment, you know, kind of as least Alicia was alluding to, but, you know, that was in the end of the journey.
And there was still lots of things to unpack because I, um, as I, I, I mentioned before, you know, I, I have lots of learned behavior. I have lots of wounds, but also learned behavior, uh, growing up that, of how to deal with what does discipline look like, or how does, you know, anger, uh, play into our lives? You know, and those, those things come out.
you know, all the junk of our past for sure comes out and. I needed to, to keep as a, an adult, uh, to recognize that the, the more that I was able to deal with, my divorce, the divorce that, uh, from my family, um, the, the, the loss that I had of a love of a mom and a dad of the formation, because there were both dealing with their own stuff.
Yeah. I needed to really process that so that I could be a better spouse and a better husband. I dunno if that, that makes sense, but it's just like, uh, there, there's such, there's such a, um, a pull for me to just dive in and feel like I, I should have known, uh, what it was, what it meant to be a father, but because of the divorce, it actually put me in a very humble place where I said, I have, I have no reference point.
And so I was really hungry looking for answers, but realizing I still don't have, uh, all that I need in some ways, but it, it, it kind of gave me the, uh, freedom. To say, okay, let's go find other mentors. Let's find others. And also required me in, in many ways to deal with the garbage that I had been given the, the, the feeling of being broken and having the humility and really the, uh, I guess looking back on it, the courage to admit I was weak, I was wounded and I needed help.
That was a, a big deal because that's not typical for men to want to admit that so that was, that was huge. Absolutely. And yeah, I can relate to so much of that. And you mentioned that, uh, yeah, just having a mentor, an older man who kind of could walk alongside you was so helpful. It was the same for me. Uh, it was actually a spiritual director that I had, uh, there at Franciscan and he was more than a spiritual director.
He was like I mentioned, uh, really just a mentor, able to help me guide me in different areas of life and just his affirmation, uh, of me as a man was just so, so helpful and so healing and yeah. So I, I can totally relate with that. And I think, uh, other people. Who who've walked that path too. They they've found it to be extremely helpful.
You mentioned fears that, that you experienced and you alluded to some of them. Uh, I'm curious, what, what were some of those fears about fatherhood specifically and what was most helpful to overcome those fears? I had to get to a play. Well, I'll do it by way of, I, I thought I was gonna follow in the same footsteps.
Like I felt so under the influence of my father, that I knew when I was a child, as an adult entering into marriage, you know, that, um, I thought I was crippled and I was, I was gonna be set off. And I had really very little, very minimal boundaries between my dad and me in healthy, uh, healthy relationship.
Right. So some word from him could set me off or this, or. and I had a, I had a spiritual, uh, so I'm, I'm not really answering your question, but I'm gonna tell you something but, but I had a, uh, you know, a, a, a, uh, uh, somebody, uh, spiritual father to me say, you really need to work. The, the only path through this is, is forgiveness, but not just a trite, not just a, oh, I forgive you.
It's okay. Move on. It was a know how you were wounded, know how you were hurt, know what, what, uh, was lost and, uh, and really itemize it if you will. Yeah. So as to then say, I forgive you for all of this, uh, and that. That was hard. That was painful. It was a long process if you will, with, with some counseling, uh, involve, this was before we were married.
Yeah. Before, when we were dating. Yeah. And being able to sit down and actually, and again, I don't recommend this for everybody, but I sat down with my dad and went through that. And although through AA, he has, you know, he has, he had, had kind of tried to make, uh, rested, amends and so forth. I don't think he understood from my perspective what had happened.
Um, and by saying that to him, it, it, it changed our relationship dramatically, but I, I ended it with, and, and I forgive you. And there was a release there that, that I felt like I was up until that moment. I was somewhat trapped under his. and, and it wasn't hit by his design, but it, but it was under the, kind of this, this old pattern, this old way of relating this old way of being a man.
I kind of made a, at that moment, made a break and said, you no longer have power over me. And I, I think it's important too, to note that he, when Mike had that conversation with his dad, he wasn't having that conversation to get something from his dad. Right. He didn't need his father to say I'm sorry, or anything, because he had already forgiven him.
He was ready, ready to rare. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so, so that conversation was kind of like the, the ending or the culmination. It was kind of like the outward result of something inward that had already happened. And I think that that's why it worked because if he was going there saying, I'm gonna tell you this, and I want you to say, I'm sorry, then you're then, then the father still has that power over him, you know?
Right, right. But he was like, I don't. , you know, I just want you to know, I forgive you I'm I'm and that then he was free. Right. And, and, and just because, um, if I was looking for some great response, right. I, I, I, I, I caught my dad way off guard. Yeah. And he was not, not only not expecting it, it, it, it really, I think shocked him, uh, you know, the, the kind of, some of the detail, but it.
It was important for me, cuz then I actually began a new relationship with my dad. Right. And again, but he's not a bad person. No. And we actually have a really decent relationship now, but it, but it, but again, not everybody's can follow that path and I don't necessarily recommend it, but it, it, it, it brought me new level of freedom.
So that the fear that I, so one of the big fears was, am I gonna let this pass through me? That was probably my greatest fear is that I was gonna let the poison of either alcohol or divorce go from my father, from my parents' marriage through, uh, me to my future bride and children and substantially at that date, I would say that that fear was resolved.
That was probably the biggest thing that was like I a dark cloud. If you will, from teenage years, all the way through thinking my life is heading towards a, a cliff on some level. And that fear was removed, but then there's the, you know, there's still the, I still don't know how to really give myself away to my bride.
I, I still don't know how to deal with my anger and that's something I, that, that, that was probably the, one of the other fears was that I was just not gonna be capable and able to be a dad. Cause I didn't know how to do it. And I didn't have a father that was present. Um, again, I look back on it now and I see much more, so many years later, I see many more bright spots than I probably was willing to appreciate back then, because I think this is for a lot of adult children sure of divorce is that we block out memories, you know, and we have patch.
I have a patchy memory of, of a lot of my childhood. And, um, that, that I think is indicative. At least the way I take it is that it's a self defense mechanism. You know, that there was some, uh, you know, the trauma of divorce, the trauma of the, the tension in the household before that. And I, from my perspective in getting married, like we talked about children and what we wanted out of our family, we talk a lot about those things before we got engaged, you know, and then during engagement.
And I always felt in some ways, and this is gonna sound a little crazy, but that the divorce, you know, was a hidden blessing in a way, because it made Mike so aware of what he didn't know, you know? And I think that I that's true, see some couples and they just kind of like skip into marriage, being like, oh, it'll all work out.
You know, it'll be fine. Mike never had that attitude. I, that was an illusion. I never had that illusion. He never had that illusion. That it's all gonna be fine. Cause he knew, you know what, sometimes it's not fine. You know? And so he was very, very intentional about, I want my family to be different. I want my family to be different than the way I was raised.
And I knew that. From the time we were dating, you know, which is one of the things that was very attractive to me in looking for someone I wanted to have a family with is that I knew, even though he came from this broken background, I knew that he was gonna be so intentional and passionate about being an amazing husband and father.
And I saw him taking steps to learn how to do that in the families that he was with and the spiritual direction that he was having and, you know, and all of those kinds of things. So in a way, it was like, Hey, God can bring good out of everything. You know, he really can. And I feel like that's what he did for us.
It's amazing. Yeah, there was no room for complacency. You had to make a choice one way or the other. And that's beautiful. There was something you mentioned that was really important. I wanna highlight for everyone listening and, and this is just a healing principle across the board, and that is, uh, naming how you've been harmed, identifying your wounds and just really understanding them as if they were a physical disease.
Like in order for a doctor to treat some illness first, they have to diagnose it. They have to understand it. And so one counselor that, that we love, uh, Adam Young, he has the podcast, the place we find ourselves awesome podcast. He says that when it comes to experiencing healing, naming how you've been harmed is about 70% of the battle.
And so I just love what you said there and, uh, just the role that forgiveness played in your story too. That's something we haven't talked about a, a ton on this show. It's so important. I've experienced that freedom that you're talking about. And it's hard to explain that to people who haven't experienced it.
It's like, yeah, forgiveness is really good. It's really powerful. Like it's really freeing, but until you actually go through that, it's really difficult to understand that that's just what we've seen in working with, with young people who come from broken homes. Yeah. It, it, it really, and I know I said this already, but it just, they know, by, through forgiveness the, my past and never had power over me again, you know, again, there were, there were still moments that it was repeating different things or whatever, but, but as a whole, it broke the past power, you know, the, the, the, the wounds of the past, having that power over me.
And I, I, again, not that I was perfect from that moment on, but it was such a moment of grace. And I mean that in the fullest sense of that word, you know, that there was just a gift, um, that I could see with new eyes. Um, and I, I, I really think everybody needs it. And I think as, as awful as divorces and as the pains and the loss, um, that, that come from divorce, we do, we are gifted.
We, we have a super, you know, it's kinda like the radioactive spider, that, that bit us, you know, we have a deeper, um, uh, appreciation and hopefully a humility that we've gotta work on this. And I don't think anybody. Perfectly equipped for marriage or, or parenting. Right. Um, but we as adult children, I think as a general rule know, we don't have it.
Don't have what it takes and we are gonna look for it and we're gonna be hungry for it. I think the biggest mistake anybody can make and, and us, uh, as adult children, as well of divorce is to say with false confidence, oh, I'll, I'll, I'll be fine. And I don't have to work on this, or I can ignore the past and, uh, and just move on with my life.
And then everything will be fine. Um, that as long as we don't take that perspective, I really believe that there is a power to our humility and knowing that we need help, we need work, uh, in our lives. Yeah. Uh, so good. It's so easy to be arrogant and just like completely miss, like, like you said, if you don't have humility, you won't even identify the problem in the first place and therefore you can't heal, you can't grow.
And, uh, when it comes to forgiveness, the point you made about like reconciling with your dad, that's so beautiful. You were able to do that. And I love that you distinguish that some people can, some people can't and kind of what we say is like, that's the ideal, like if you can reconcile with one or both of your parents, that's awesome.
But if there's a, an unhealthy dynamic, a toxic relationship there where it wouldn't be good for you to do that, you can still forgive at a distance. And I love that. Um, you highlighted that and I think it's really important. And going to what you said about. Blocking out memories. I have a friend who is a psychologist and she's, uh, a trauma therapist.
She specializes in trauma therapy. She's just about done with her PhD. And one of the things she taught me was that our brains literally have a mechanism. Like, like you said, that they block out memories that we're not equipped to like emotionally handle. And so until we're in a space and we have people in our lives who can help us so kinda work through those things, we literally will forget those things in a way, because our brain's trying to protect us.
Oh, I love how our whole body, our whole kind of ecosystem, our human, um, uh, system really works to protect us, to build us up. Like, cause I have just met many. We have met many couple. Who it's only when they're in the kind of safety of their marriage and that they feel loved and supported, and they ha that their issues start coming out.
And it, it is, it is some people were surprised by it. You know, like, why is this, why am I feeling this way now? And I'm like, cuz you couldn't have dealt with it before you weren't at a place where your life and your situation was able to. And I have found that, you know, even though it, it, it was a substantial movement, um, in that forgiveness, there have been those, you know, and then I've talked about the, my, my eldest daughter, but there are many moments of both bringing me, uh, to a very humble place.
But also just with the safety of, of knowing that my wife really means it when she says she loves me, you know, that, that they're, and that meaning that word, even the definition of what I thought loved was to what it really is when there's somebody who's willing to do anything for you, that's willing to be weak and strong for you in, in and give of themselves in a way that.
I'd never known that somebody could like me with all of the junk, with all of secrets revealed and the li you know, all that stuff that maybe we stuff down. And, and, and, but that's when there's true freedom, that's when there's true life, uh, when you're in that kind of a relationship and those, you know, and maybe not all memories will come back, but, but that, there is, I never thought about that before.
And for me now, again, we've, we've been married a while. I'm actually remembering more of the good things that I kind of blocked out to talking with your sister. Yeah. And talking with my, yeah. Talking with siblings about that in their own healing journey. That's the other thing I think that is really beautiful is that when you have siblings who you can journey with, you know, that path appealing, you can journey with them.
So Mike did the, um, the life giving wounds retreat with Dan Meola, um, just recently. And we had never, he had never really thought. What I think is interesting is that I had seen about this retreat. And I brought up to Mike and he was kind of like, eh, I don't know, you know, I've been through counseling, I've been there before.
Right. And I was like, well, you should, you know, check it out. Maybe one of your siblings would do it. And so he and his sister went through it together and, and it was so good because I think it opened up his eyes, Mike's eyes to the continual healing that God still wanted to do in him and what he wanted to teach him.
But then really so beautiful is that his sister who's so many years older than you, 10 years older than you or so, you know, they were able to connect on a new level as well, you know, as they both shared about their memories and things, which were different, know, it was actually surprise. It surprised me actually.
Uh, Joey, just even talking to my siblings, the. I don't remember, or she remembered differently, or I remember differently cause Mike is on the younger end and they're all older than him. And so it, it was, it was, it was very, very interesting to see and the relationship that she has versus the relation, you know what I mean?
Like all of those nuances, it helped paint a fuller picture. Right. And, uh, you know, there's, there's just a beauty about being able to see our lives and even the, the wounds of the past and see it from new perspective. And I don't think if I, if we didn't go on that experience, that retreat together, um, that we would've had the opportunity.
To share about it. And although we had kind of mentioned it before, we were kind of, we all knew that everybody's done their own little path, if you will. Right. But it was a perfect excuse. Yeah. And it actually brought us closer together through that as well. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Love that. Yeah. And I, I think it's so helpful to have like a space to work through those things too.
Uh, and that's where I think Dan's retreats are, are great because, you know, it's hard to listen to a podcast. We've even gotten this feedback on this podcast. It's like some of the things we talk about they're heavy and you, you kind of just need to take a step back from day to day life. And so I love that you were able to do that with your sister.
My brother and I actually were, were talking the other day. And we were talking about the fact that healing is not just like this checklist of things to do. It's, it's relational on so many levels and. There's so many voids that we have in our hearts that we need people to love and affirm us, like you mentioned before, Mike.
And so it's really important. And that reminds me of some research they did at Harvard on happiness, that the book, the happiness advantage, it kind of summarizes their findings. And what they found was really the happiest people were the ones who lived close to their family and they had healthy, intimate relationship with their parents and siblings.
Wow. I would love to see this study. that's so interesting. Yeah, it's fascinating. Yeah. Great book. So the happiness advantage is the book and, uh, it's probably could have been half the size, but you know, it's, it's like really, really great research and they found some awesome things and, and yeah, that's basically what they found is like the strength of your social connections.
Your family relationships in particular really are the determining factor of your level. That makes sense though, but beautiful. I love. I wanna, uh, shift gears a little bit and put you guys on the spot. So I hope you're okay with that. I'm just wondering yeah. Where yeah. OK. Yeah, no, I I've listened to your podcast and I love how vulnerable you guys are.
I think there's, yeah, it teaches so much. It's so helpful. Yeah. So I'm curious, where have you failed as parents and what have you learned from those failures? So we can learn from you and how much time do you have? No, , , let's see three hours. Exactly. Right. Um, how have I failed as parent? I think, you know what, the one thing that I actually was just thinking about recently is how important it is to put ourselves in our children's shoes.
You know? And, and I, I was actually thinking about like an experiment, like what if you had, and I, what, if you, what if you had a person sitting in a. And when they went over to this area of the room, they were just, you know, ignored, oh, you know, whatever good things happened. But then they went into this area of the room and all of a sudden, some people started yelling at them and they, they touched something.
And then you get like a little shock, you know, but then if you go over here and then, then you go over again, but nothing happens. Like sometimes we have to realize that's what it's like for our kids. Especially like toddlers, who the whole world is new to them. And how many times have I exploded at my children or, or expected them to know something that I never told them, you know, or like, and I've eaten.
My one, one of my kids is very verbal and very, um, outgoing. And if I like will yell at him or whatever, like he's turned around and said to me, mom, you just told me to do this. Or I wasn't doing what you think I was doing. I was actually doing this other thing and I've had to go, oh, sorry. You know, like I was assuming you were doing something wrong and he is like, mom, you're assuming I'm doing no, I'm not.
You know? And, and it's just because he's really verbal. How many. Would I say that to another child who's maybe more quiet. We have 10 children. I don't know if we said that before. So if kids from all ages, you know, eight to 25 and grandchildren as well, but how many times would I maybe yell at another child who wouldn't call me out?
You know, the way that my son did who would just kind of like internalize that and that's not good, you know? And so I really think that one of the keys that to good parenting and one of the things that I know I am still I'm doing better at now that I'm older , but I didn't do as well. Definitely when I was younger is empathy and putting myself in their shoes, you know, like, okay, why they're grabbing these cookies off the table, whatever, why are they doing that?
You know, not that we always have to analyze everything that they do, but I think just to have that empathy of realizing, you know, what they don't understand, you know, they, they just don't know. They don't know. Okay. And that, that kind of helps you to have more patience. And more understanding and more of a teaching training attitude rather than you are driving me crazy.
You're so frustrating. You know, so I think that it kind of like overall, like parenting failure, things like that, like there's, there's definitely a lot of times that I have gone overboard and hurt my children's feelings, but I think the key is, is forgiveness. You know, like just as you know, Mike needing to forgive his dad, like I need to ask my children for forgiveness.
I need to say, I'm sorry that I yelled at you in that way, you know? Um, I'm sorry that I yelled at you for taking the car or whatever, but you're still grounded, you know, so just like kind of like recognizing that we do need to provide training and guidance to our children. But we can't make our emotion, a weapon that we wanna like wield over our kids.
But when you do, you can ask forgiveness of your children and, and then God can use that because that can be a powerful thing, you know, to ask forgiveness of your kids, parenting failed, Mike. Oh, I, yeah. Again, we, we, we could go into this for a while, but I, I kind of alluded to this earlier, but my anger was definitely something that was, I I'm I'm, uh, my parenting philosophy had been for many years, ignore, ignore explode.
Um, and so, you know, a child's doing something that is either we disagree with or, you know, is just annoying. I'll ignore it, I'll ignore it. And then I, when they kept pushing, when they kept, you know, particularly teenagers, they seemed to be experts at pushing all of my buttons. , uh, you know, they may have gotten a master's degree and I don't know what, but, but it was one of those times that I remember.
Uh, you know, handful of occasions where I just lose my cool, I lose my control. And, um, and I would yell at the kids and I would then impose very, uh, kind of, because I was so angry because the synapsis in my brains were refused together. I wasn't thinking clearly. And I impose, you know, really harsh, uh, punishments on them, which later at least she be like, well, maybe we shouldn't do that.
Or then she would give me the eye, like yeah. You know, and, and happily, she didn't correct me in front of the kids, but afterwards, like, I don't think that you handled that really. And it was, and I mean, actually do remember sometimes, um, especially when our oldest were teenager. Having to come and, and like, kind of like almost take your arm or touch you and being like, we need to walk away right now.
You know, like this is getting, this is too much. And that was definitely, yeah. You know, that was a, a major, major fail. And it also led me to some great guilt of sure. Am I repeat, you know, then that's when the fears, if you will. Yeah. Resurfaced of like, am I just repeating what I grew up with? Am I falling back into the default, uh, of that?
So anyway, that was that that's probably the biggest failure, um, yeah. In, in my parenting, um, controlling emotions. Yeah. But then there's like the little things like last night, um, it's seriously, this literally happened last night. Our son is sitting at the dinner table. I had made spinach, which I love some of the kids love he tries to get up and he is like, I was like, sit down and you need to finish that spin.
And he is like, oh mom, I'm like, I do not care. Put it on your fork and eat it. And the next thing I know, he threw up all over the table. I'm not kidding. I was mad at him. I was like, how damn you throw up? And Michael's like, he literally, he threw all over the table. Alicia, he threw up it's it's okay. It was, it wasn't that he just spit out the food.
He empty his stomach and he actually, Mike said, Alicia, there was no food on. Bla a minute ago. And it was like full of God, which is gross. I'm sorry. You can edit that out later. OK. Before that one. And, and I wish we would've learned this lesson because that's not the first time that's happened, not with this child, but with other, that actually has happened before once before, when I have forced a child to eat something that would be a great failure right there.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So do you want, keep it going no, no, no. This is great. Yeah, I'm sure we could do like a whole show. No, it's, it's incredible though. I love what you said, learning from your fellows. That's so important. Like we need to have the freedom to fail. Yeah. It's so key. I talk about this a lot, you know, with my team members, like in the business world, and if you, you need to have that freedom to fail because that's how you learn.
That's how you get better. That's how you get stronger. And what you said too, is like, you can repair the relationship. And I think Mike, for people like us, that's almost like this revolutionary idea. It's like, You can actually resolve conflict. You don't just like walk away and leave it undone. And like things just fall apart.
No, it's like, you can actually repair the relationship when something goes wrong. And for me that's been so encouraging is in my own marriage. Um, and especially looking forward as an parent. No, I agree with you. And it's one of those moments where, you know, the business world would say, you know, our entrepreneurs fail fast.
It's like, do any parents look at our failures and see that as, as a moment for guilt or shame or regret or. You know, or we just ignore it and move on, like you said, but the reality is is that every one of us is gonna fail own that, be comfortable with that, and then just learn from it and what we, one of our, our principles, uh, that we teach in, in our parenting, uh, you know, in our podcast and, and the, the, the conferences and retreats that we run is that it is not your job to, to turn your kids into perfect little, uh, saints.
Uh, it's their job to transform you. Meaning we get transformed through our parenting, into the best version of ourselves. It's by giving ourselves away that we're figuring out our faults, our mistakes, our, uh, lack of virtue or lack of self control or whatever it might be. So that through this we're learning, we're being shaped, we're being transformed.
All our rough edges are being shaved off. And it's a beautiful thing. When we take extreme ownership for our lives. Yeah, and that that's gonna, it's gonna change us, but it's also gonna be, if we, if we get that on the front end, you know, Joe, we learned this on the front end, you know, our, you know it, but it's like our failures as parents are all about how we are formed as parents.
Right? If that makes any sense. And I think sometimes, especially if you think that it's, it's my job to make this child into a Saint, then if something goes wrong, well, they're just not becoming a Saint it's, you're focused on the child on, on them. It's like, no in wait back up, time out, you need to be working on you.
The only person that you can change is yourself, you know, and that includes your children. Yes. You're there to form them and guide them and model for them and, you know, discipline and give that guidance to them. But the changing has to be up to them and, and we need to look at ourselves and. How, how can I love them better?
How can what's what is in me that is causing this, you know, whatever this frustration that's rising up in me, because they're just a kid, like they don't know, they're not waking up in the morning saying, oh, how can I annoy mom today? You know, like, how can I drive crazy guarantee? They are not thinking that at all.
They're thinking, you know, just life love. I want mommy to love me. I want daddy love me, you know? And when we get angry with them and we get emotional about their mistakes, we need to look at ourselves and say, okay, what's going on here? Like what's going on in, in us and not look at ourselves as failures, but we're still learning too, you know?
And God's trying to refine us, like Mike was saying, that's right, shave off those rub edges. Bring us to our knees and make us aware of our need for God's mercy. And that is not a bad thing. If children make you more aware of God's mercy, that's, that's a good place to be. that? No, that's so refreshing to what you said.
It's like, this is part of the process, like expect it. And I think that's so hopeful for anyone listening right now who maybe feels like they're, uh, you know, not able to be a good parent. It's like, yeah, you're gonna fail, but that's okay. Like you can learn from it. You can move forward. And, and so many good pieces of advice that you guys said.
And Mike, I appreciate that, you know, telling the, the advice that you gave me to just expect that and, and really prepare for it, because I think so often maybe as men, we have more of this tendency, it's easy to thrive maybe in one area of our lives. Maybe like you said, being humble in business and learning to fail fast, but.
You apply it to your marriage and it's like, you're pathetic at it. I know I've experienced that in my own life. Like I'm good at something in one area and then the other is not. So I, I appreciate that. And I wanna go back to something you said too, just about anger. Um, I've personally dealt with this too, especially right after my parents separated, when I was 11, I had all sorts of anger issues and had to go to anger management school.
Basically. It was very humbling. Um, but yeah, I think so many men deal with this and I think it, it points a bigger issue of just letting your emotions control your actions and whether that's in marriage and business and friendship or, or in parenting. And so yeah, the ability to detach, to take ownership of your actions and when you do mess up, just own it and, and make it better.
Yeah, man, there's so much I wanna say right now, you guys are fantastic. Alicia, just back to what you said. Putting yourself in your kids' shoes. One of the things kind of to add to that, that I've noticed with parents just kind of observing my own parents and then other parents around me is that I, I think we kind of forget what it was like to be kids.
Like, I, I try to remind myself that sometimes, like, what did I think and feel when I was like that age? And, uh, the more I've done that the more I've realized like, yeah, like there should be more grace, a hundred percent. And I do, I actually , I, a lot of times I very reflexively think about my childhood and think about what did my parents do in this situation.
And I think that that is a disadvantage, um, for children of divorce, if you don't have any memory of your dad being there, how would my dad handle this? Or your mom being there? How would my mom handle this? I don't know. I have nothing, you know, but I really do think about that. A lot of remember. Oh, well, how was he kid?
What would my mom do? You know? And I just almost subconsciously, you know, I think that right. And it, and it's good too, to remember your own childhood. And if that's hard to do, I could see how that would be, you know, a difficulty. No, for sure. I want to, uh, get your advice. On, uh, a bunch of different scenarios.
I'm gonna throw these at you. We can do kind of a back and forth soundbite thing here, uh, cuz I'm sure we could talk about each of these for forever. Um, and I have to admit little confession, a little bit of a selfish interview because, uh, my wife and I are expecting a baby. Uh, she'll be in about two months and we're so excited.
Yeah. Thank you. And yeah, so just trying to, you know, we're reading and trying to learn and listening to your podcast and all that and it's been fantastic. Thank you for that. Um, so yeah, I just wanna go through just series of questions and if you would give us your advice and uh, yeah, I guess the first thing is like as a new parent, if you could go back in time to yourself as a new parent, uh, and give some advice, uh, yeah.
What are a couple things that you'd say main points and I'm sure this might echo some of the things you said before, but what the first, the first thing that comes to mind. Chill out uh, yeah, we we're, as, as parents, we, we have to recognize we're playing a long game. It's it's not a sprint. It really is a long race and that there are gonna be cycles and seasons, uh, you know, early on you may get no sleep with a newborn, you know, and, and, and infant, uh, child, uh, or there's gonna be times when you have maybe one or two little kids that are just draining you and you're in the survival zone.
Mm-hmm, , they're seasons of life. And, um, and we need to have a longer perspective this isn't, you're not gonna stay in that zone forever. Um, but which is, is good and bad, right? Meaning sometimes you'll get through it quickly, but. Um, there are good moments, which, you know, just to really appreciate and, and soak up those moments because, you know, we have two, uh, married children now and, um, you know, three others who are essentially out, uh, out of the house, they do kids do grow up so fast.
So, so one don't get stressed. I know it doesn't feel like it, but they do but, and I never believed anybody, uh, who told me that . Um, but I would, I would say that that, that don't sweat, the small stuff have a bigger, longer term perspective. Um, and really kind of embrace, uh, each of those moments cuz they, you, for that child, you only have, you know, you have a limited amount of time and it's, and it's a gift.
Right. Uh, and to really embrace that, I, I felt like I kind of felt like I was looking for the right answer to everything. Yeah. Like I wanted to just do it. Right. I wanted to find to be the perfect there. Different. Yeah, exactly. I wanted to find like that perfect method. And I think a lot of people do that today.
Well, studies showed this, so this is what I should do. But the problem is that you can find studies that absolutely contradict each other about the way that you should raise an infant as far as like sleep schedules and feeding and you know, how you respond to them and you can find studies that are all over the place.
But what you really need to do is just work with unity, with your spouse on what is the best for you as a couple, what is the best thing for your family? And don't worry, don't worry about. doing it perfectly. It's okay. Like you were saying before, it's okay to make mistakes. You're going to make mistakes.
You're gonna try something to get them to go to sleep and it's not gonna work. And that's okay. That's totally fine. You can try something else or maybe you just need to try what you were doing a little bit longer. And so I feel like for me, like what I would tell myself, you know, if I was talking to myself as a new mom, say, don't worry about getting it all right.
And also just enjoy your children more. That's part of the great thing about being a grandparent now is that can just enjoy our grandchildren. And I have to say that even our younger children, um, like numbers eight, nine, and 10, I feel like we still. Take more time to just enjoy them. Yeah. And them just play games, games, hang out and just like laugh at them and just realize that, you know what I mean?
Like just kind of relax a little bit and not worry about, well, I have to hurry up and teach them all these things, because this is the important point to teach this blah, blah, blah. You know, it's okay. It's okay. Like it is it, your childhood does go fast, but it's also, you have time to teach them things little by little and a lot of things, times you are modeling, you're modeling for them, the way that you live your life is more important than anything you say, or any discipline plan that you have or anything like that.
Loving them and modeling God's love for them. Honestly, I really do think is the most important thing. I think that's more important. Then being really strict and firm on certain rules or having the perfect rules of the perfect system. Sorry, one, one thing that, that I, as long as you don't contradict me, yes.
You, everything you said was perfect. There you go. Perfect. Um, so if you learn this after 27 years, it's about priorities man, prior battles wisely. Uh, no. So, so, but I, I think I, I don't, I think now I appreciate it more than I did back then. The importance of our marriage. Yeah. Um, a as much as I loved my wife and we got, well, I think I took things for granted, meaning we, we were good.
We were both good people. We were trying to deal with our own stuff. And we were collaborating in this great work of raising these kids. And I would probably look back and. get a better habit of date nights. Yeah. Uh, on a regular basis basis for sure. Uh, going out together. Um, I think that we, early on, we were very good about that and then kids just make it more difficult, but I think they make everything more difficult but I think we, I, I gave up or settled too quickly and then I accepted jobs, um, that had me traveling a lot for work and I didn't compensate, you know, by saying, okay, now that I'm physically not home, how am I gonna maintain my emotional intimacy, uh, with my wife when we're physically not present?
Um, I, I think that looking back I've, you know, that would be, you know, some of the things that I, I think is strong, We're also seeing the fruit, you know, again, I think we have a great marriage, but it's like not taking any of that for granted and, and really developing early on good habits of yeah. Date nights and communication and so forth because we're seeing some, um, couples now come to us, struggling with even their own kids who now have left.
The faith are not following in their values. And one of the things that, that I, a common theme, common, the common theme was they had some major challenges in their marriages. And I look at that and I think that has a bigger influence than we may realize. Yeah. Uh, on our kids, like sleeping in separate bedrooms, you know, for years and years, that's, that's gonna affect your children, you know, and that's gonna affect the way that they see marriage and that they.
God and the faith and, and all of that. So, and, and anyway, it's important to work on your marriage and I'm sorry, I know you, I'm gonna just throw this out, just cause I've seen a couple of people for adult children of divorce, who, because they don't wanna repeat. What happened to them as a child, they often pour themselves out into their kids and they pour themselves into forming and loving their children that they actually unintentionally neglect their neglect, their marriage.
Yeah. And, um, and, and by doing that, you're actually. Undercutting the way that you're loving your kids and forming your kids, cuz the, the, um, the number one thing is if you wanna be a great parent, you need to be an even more amazing spouse. And I, I think we sometimes get things disordered, um, in our parenting.
Yeah. So anyway, sorry. I, I probably have other stuff you wanted rapid fire no, no, no, this is fantastic. And yeah, I'd like to stay there for a second. I think you guys covered that topic well, but I just wanna make sure everyone understands what we're saying here. Uh, there's a very big difference between a family that puts the children first and a family that puts the marriage first parents who put the kids first parents who put the marriage first.
And I actually had. Kinda debate with my mom recently. She very much so took the approach that the kids come first. And, uh, and I just wholeheartedly disagree with that. I agree with what you guys are saying. I've heard you say it on your podcast. It's so important to put your marriage first and obviously like you can't neglect your kids.
Like you need to feed them and take care of them. Um, there's a balancer of course, but, but I, I do believe in kind of the marriage centered family. Um, yeah. Is there anything else you'd like to add to that for someone who maybe isn't sure why that's so important? The, I just think about it. What were you like Mike was saying about your identity first as a son or a daughter, right?
That's that's how we start out. We all start out as children. Well then that's the next thing that happens or that should happen in the order of relationships you get married, like you get married first, then you have children or you need another person. You need that relationship. Your children come from.
Your relationship. That's where they come from. Right. And they don't, they don't, the children don't come first. And then, I mean, it's ridiculous, right? If you just even think about it naturally in the order of creation, they can. But then if you think about the order of grace, there is no, you know, as Catholics, we believe that marriage is a sacrament.
Well what's is there a sacrament of motherhood or is there a sacrament of fatherhood? No, there isn't. It's the sacrament of matrimony. That's where you get the grace to be a parent. You get the grace to be a parent from the sacrament of Mamo and you can't be, you cannot love your child. You cannot, we, first of all, only God can satisfy your longing of their heart.
But even me as their mother, I can't give them naturally everything they need in relationship. They not only do they need their father. but they also need our couple love, right? Our love together as a couple, that child needs that. And which is again, one of the tragedy of divorces. Is that still? Yes. Your father still loves you.
Your mother may still love you, but you lost their couple love and that's a security and a, and a place right. Of safety for kids, kids. I mean, you know, it's kinda like if you just think about. Uh, kind of psychological development of, or civilization development. Like you can't establish yourself, you can't have civilizations when they're, they're moving from place to place and they're afraid of enemies attacking or they've got food, right?
Mm-hmm but it's like, but when you are able to create a marriage centered family, you create a stabilizing force for your kids to be at peace, to be at a place where they can reveal themselves. And again, it's we? Yes, we need, um, a mom and a dad. Every child has a right to a mom and a dad to love them, but they need that extra protection, not extra.
That protection is necessary for their development and growth to have the love of that couple. One of the greatest parenting, um, approaches that you'll ever have comes from the unity of yeah. Your, of the spouses. And if you don't have that kind of deep, uh, loving intimacy, your kids, aren't gonna understand what true love is.
Cuz you're the first model of what real love is what real sacrifice mm-hmm means about how to give themselves away. The lessons that you teach simply by showing up and loving your spouse will leave lasting lasting memories. We, we had this, this, uh, priest that we interviewed a little while back and his, um, when we asked him, how did he, um, you know, how did he maintain his faith and so forth?
The first thing he turned to was talking about his parents and his grandparents love for one another more than about God or experience it was that, that they passed on this deep love for each other. Yeah. And that was how he found his vocation to give himself away. And so we need to give that for our kids'.
A true witness of what, and again, as Christians, we believe that Christ said, um, marriage is the model of how Christ, how God loves his people. Mm-hmm and how Christ loves the church. And so that's an image that they need to learn from. We need that to be the foundation of their physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological development is that deep abiding love that no one person can do on their own.
And I really think too, that it's a it's disordered it's it sends a disordered message because when you have two adults looking at a child and they, this child is the center of their universe, that's a lot of pressure for a kid. You know, like most kids don't wanna be the center of their parents' universe.
They're like, yeah, I'm just growing up. Can you, you don't have a life of your ugly, you know, like I feel like it really is. It's too much. And it sends this message to their child that our life revolves around you. Our life does not revolve around our children. My life does not revolve around. That's creating a selfish child.
Exactly. My life has God in the center. And then our marriage with God, you know, intertwined is in the center of our family. And then our kids know that, and our kids are part of a community that is our family. They are participating members, not the focus of they are the participating members, which in this community.
And like, my dad would always say to us, he would like you kids. You're gonna be outta the house in 18 years. I'm living with this woman till the end of my life. You know, he was more important as far as the priority of relationships within the home. Their marriage was first. Yeah. You know, and we all knew that and it, and it gave us a, a sense of a real stability.
That's right. That's exactly so good. Yeah. And two things stuck out to me in what you guys said, one, just that the power of modeling, I, I think you guys have said this on your show. I've heard other people say it too. How you know more is, is caught than taught. And that's basically what you said before Alicia.
And, and I think that's so key because you know, Mike, you teach your boys. What it's like to be a man, how to treat a woman just by your presence, your example, the way you live your life and Alicia, the same for you and your girls. And so the them watching and seeing, okay, this is how you love. It's so important.
I think that's why we struggle so much in our relationships as people come from broken families, because we just didn't see a good model of that. And that's what the research shows. And the, the second thing is just the security. You guys mentioned that just the safety and security of the kids. So there's a couple that I really look up to.
They're just this beautiful marriage, great marriage. And I've been blessed to spend time with them. And they've really healed kind of this broken idea that I have of marriage. And, uh, they told me a story. Uh, on another episode we did with. They said that, uh, uh, Joe, the, the guy, his, his wife's name is, uh, Maria.
Uh, they were in the kitchen and he just like grabbed her and was kind of dancing with her and he kissed her. And, uh, his daughter, one of his daughters was just like standing there, just like soaking it all in just watching this. And, uh, he said, he looked down at her and he just saw this just pure joy in her face and just this sense of contentment and security.
And so there's more than maybe words can even express how putting your marriage through. So you exactly the situation you're describing. We have seen that many times with our children as well. It's true. As well as sometimes them going, uh, yeah. Are you kissing? But then we also seen particularly younger kids.
We were at Alicia was just talking about this the other day, about how, uh, particularly little guys, when we hugged. They'll like try to pull us in so that it's both of us, like she's getting like this, this group hug from mom and dad, you know, and there's this couple love that she wants. Like, I feel like that's the image is that, you know, I, oh, I love mommy.
Oh, but I want daddy in here too, you know? And it's like, that's the, that's the powerful symbol. Because again, at the end of the day, part of our hope for our children is that they are launched out into the world as you know, generous, kind, loving thinking about others first, all of these things that we want, well, how do we start that?
If, if they don't recognize that they're part of a, a community of love, right? And that they are the center, but that they are members of there, they are born in love for love and, and with love. Right. So that, that they then can be launched out, uh, with them. But without that stability. Without that marriage, uh, it really is.
It hurts. And again, that's what we're recognizing, right? As adult children of divorce, we're recognizing that we have had a wound that we've had a crippling. So the antidote for that yeah. Is not to simply protect ourselves and pour ourselves into our kids. It's the first pour ourselves into our marriage so that we together can form these kids and, and really change our family history, change the legacy that we have, uh, flowing out from us that our kids get something that we didn't get the love of both a mom and a dad, that marriage that is such a powerful force for kids.
Hmm, love it. Yeah. And it's, it's just so foundational when that foundation is shaken, it affects everything. And when it's strong, it affects everything. So good. I wanted to ask about, uh, when it comes to making decisions, like, obviously you make a lot of decisions as parents. Uh, what, what's your general advice from making decisions, especially when maybe you and your spouse don't see things at eye, you, you maybe disagree, uh, on something.
How, how do you handle that situation? Here's what I want parents to remember. It's better to be wrong together than right alone. Okay. you heard that, right? so we now of course, we're not talking about like moral, evil or whatever, but it's better for you to make a United decision that may not be like the absolute perfect plan or, you know, whatever, but it's something that you can both agree on rather than one of you being like, I know this is the right way and I'm just gonna go on and do it by myself.
Um, because your unity, the unity between mom and dad, that is the best parenting method then you could possibly have. And, you know, we talk about, we kind of already talked about this and the fact that, that, um, couple love or that the way we were just describing it to another couples we were talking to is like synergy, right?
So what's synergy in the business world. It's look all together. We can come up with a better idea than any one of us could by ourselves or than any one of us could come up with by compromising synergy is not compromising. It's not like, okay, well you wanted two and I wanted one. So we'll do one and a half.
No. Synergy is like, is us putting everything it's standing shoulder to shoulder with your that's gonna spouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Standing shoulder to shoulder with your spouse, looking at this problem, looking at an issue and saying, how can we do this together? Because we're on the same page. We're on the same team.
Yeah. I just, but out here is the problem just to add to that. I, I really think that too many times we try to settle and we try to compromise. And, and again, there is a place for compromising, you know, or we just gotta go along for the, for peace at any price. Right. You know, like I don't argue anymore, so I'm just gotta let it go.
And, and sometimes we do just need to say, Hey, it's not that big of a deal to me. Right. Let's let it. I'm not gonna worry about it because I think sometimes we make things a bigger deal than they really need to be. Um, sometimes there are decisions that. It really doesn't matter to me, but I'm fighting for the principle of it.
Like, well, she won 10 of the arguments. I should have one of mine. That's not what it's about. You know, in marriage, it's about we're all in a hundred percent, a hundred percent, not 50 50. I only, I I'll give her some of the decisions. I'll take some of the decisions. That's not what a marriage makes. Yeah.
What we are talking about is the two become one, which is not an easy process, uh, that the two of you are forming a more United approach, but it comes when we, again, we talked about this a little bit earlier, but, and as Alicia mentioned already, it's business world. We want to be able to make a, a unified plan for our organization to succeed.
And in order to do that, we, as Alicia said, need to sh stand shoulder, shoulder, and look at the situation, the decision that's before. And not look at our petty counting the costs or who has done this, or how many times have we gone to your family or my family or, or whatever, whatever the decision might be.
It's looking at the situation and saying what's in our best interest for us as a couple and us as a family. And not settling. And sometimes what we have done, um, is take a step back from the, the practical, uh, applications and look back at the deeper reasons why. Right. Uh, which is a whole other pro we have this whole thing.
I think you may have heard of us talk about this on the podcast, but. A family board meeting where you get together and get unity on some of the biggest stuff in your life so that you can have a plan when the little things come up, you've already got a process. You already got some of the big things decided which help make some of the smaller decisions easier.
Right. Uh, as you go along. So good. Thank you guys so much. If people wanna learn more and, and get your advice on further parenting topics. Yeah. We'd love to have them join us@messyfamilyproject.org. Our website, um, has we have a little over 150, uh, podcast episodes. So whether it's in iTunes or Spotify or wherever you get your podcast, we're, we're, uh, streaming there.
Um, as well as we have, uh, online, uh, guides and resources, free conversation starters, we have a discipline guide that has proven to be very popular for people. So you can go and check that out if you have discipline questions. And we've just recently started a, uh, some courses in other events that we're doing as well on, uh, for formation of, of parents.
So it's all on the website. Awesome. We'll link to those in the show notes. Thank you guys so much for, for being here. And I just wanna give you the last word. What encouragement would you give to someone who comes from a broken home who maybe feels unable to be a good parent? They feel like, I don't think I have what it takes.
Uh, what encouragement. I, I don't know why God has entrusted with you a child, but he has, and you are perfectly designed. That's right. Uh, to be a parent for this child. That's right. The greatest gift you can give your child, um, is first loving their mom or dad loving your spouse, and then making sure you're always working on yourself, taking extreme ownership because the, um, the, those who are wounded, who.
Deal with their wounds will continue to wound and hurt others. The more that we can invest in freeing ourself up by, by healing and transformation, um, we will then be the best parents our kids could ever want because this, this whole idea of parenting is both for them. And for us, it's a path where we're giving ourselves away and learning the path of freedom.
The more genuine we are, um, with our kids and giving them the fullest love, we can, that's gonna set them up for great success and don't sweat the fact that you're not perfect. No, one's perfect. You're not alone. And everybody, uh, fails. Everyone has, uh, stumbles along the way. No one is, is equipped to fully be the best parent.
We just have to make sure we show up with our level best in dealing with our past. And, and, and yeah, and just know that God is, God is bigger than everything, you know, that's right. There's no, there's no problem that he can handle.
I could have talked with them forever. So many great things, so many great practical tips that they gave. But one big takeaway for, for new parents is that you don't have to be perfect. Like Mike and Alicia said, you will make mistakes. You don't have to get everything right. And that's okay. Just, just do your best.
Keep learning, keep growing, keep getting better, but you don't have to be perfect. And there, I think there's so much freedom in that. And it's a good reminder. And if you want more from Mike and Alicia, if you want more of their great content, their guidance, go ahead and listen to the messy family podcast.
Wherever you listen to podcasts again, that's the messy family podcast and on their show, if you wanna hear Mike's full story, listen to episode 1 56, again, that's episode 1 56 on the messy family. Podcast. I recommend starting, uh, with that show, but of course, feel free to dive in wherever you'd like. The resources mentioned are in the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 44.
Thank you so much for listen. And if this has been useful, I invite you to subscribe and to share this podcast with someone, you know, who could really use it, who would be useful for always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
