Four Ways to Work on Trust in Dating Relationships
4 minute read
How many times have you checked your food at a restaurant for poison?
Probably none.
Would it be pretty easy for a chef to sneak something undesirable into your meal?
Most likely, yes it would.
So how come we all don’t examine our food closely upon its arrival and do some serious investigating before tucking in?
We trust.
If we didn’t trust, life would be much more difficult. What about that bridge you have to cross to get to work? Are you sure the engineers knew what the heck they were doing when they built it all those years ago? After all, bridges have collapsed before.
Think of the directions on your phone you so readily obey, what if the voice telling you to turn left is just as lost as you are?
Textbooks, recipes, reviews on Amazon...day in and day out, our normal, life things require us to trust.
This is especially true in relationships.
However, if you are from a broken family, it is very likely that you struggle with trust a little more than the average person.
An unfortunate consequence of our parents’ separation is that something that ought to have lasted forever, something that we should have always been able to count on, something that we trusted completely—let us down. Hard.
This makes navigating the already dicey world of dating less exciting and more agitating.
I certainly found this to be true in my own relationships as I began to date in my early twenties. I was constantly on edge, looking for the red flag, wondering when the ball would drop, and interpreting the smallest gesture or word to mean something catastrophic. I became angry easily and lived in suspicion.
I knew they were going to leave, it was just a matter of time. And I was not going to be caught off guard. Not again.
The issue with dating is that you are right when you say it may not last forever. That is how dating works. There is a risk. Just like eating the food that could be poisoned or taking directions from a machine...it could end poorly.
Of course, the possibility of a relationship ending is much more proximate than a plotting chef.
So, how do people like us handle the uncertainty of how things will go in a relationship, while also giving the other person the benefit of the doubt?
Great question.
Know what you are looking for in a future spouse.
And by that, I don’t mean how tall you want them to be or what color eyes you think they should have. Think about the non-negotiables: how do you want them to treat you? Be specific. Are they mature? Responsible? Do they strive to be a better person? Do they have goals in life and intentions with dating? Can they appreciate the things you care about? Do they respect you and your world views? Sharing the same religion can be especially important as a lot of important values stem from that.
I found it helpful to make a list. That way, the next time someone you might be interested in comes around, you can compare them (over time) to the list you made when you weren’t staring deeply into his or her beautiful blue eyes.
Have trusted advisors
This also helped me out a whole lot while I was navigating the murky waters of relationships and dating. I found myself constantly interpreting things negatively and then catastrophizing as a result. Thankfully, I had a handful of people whose judgment I trusted that I could reach out to when I couldn’t tell fear from facts.
A peer can be helpful, but I would also recommend someone a little farther down the road in this journey, too. For me, it was my older brother, my mom, and sometimes my therapist. You want to have people who have been there done that, and can spot actual problems with their 20/20 hindsight perspective. Your point of view might be a little blurred with the excitement of a new relationship, and/or jaded because of your past. So give yourself some grace and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Know that you are going to be okay, even if it’s not okay.
This one was extremely difficult for me. I clung to my partners and stayed in relationships longer than I should have because I was afraid of the pain that I knew would inevitably accompany a breakup. In short, I made things a lot harder than they needed to be.
It did hurt. The breakups were awful, there’s no way around it. But I survived. And looking back, I’m so glad those breakups took place. Like extremely. Sometimes the aversion to suffering ends up just causing more suffering.
When you’re starting out a new relationship, you have to take solace in the reality that even if things don’t work out—you are going to be okay. You really are. And furthermore, this isn’t it. If this person isn’t your forever, it doesn’t mean you are unlovable, it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there for you, it just means this person wasn’t that person. And that is okay.
There is something so freeing about knowing that you really are going to be okay if things don’t work out with this particular person at this particular time. It allows you the space to truly discern if they are right for you and to enjoy the process of learning and loving another human being.Actively work on healing your wounds.
As a child from a broken home, you will struggle with relationships. It’s a hard fact to face, but the sooner you do, the sooner you can take steps to make this hurdle easier on yourself.
When I realized how much anxiety dating was causing me, I turned to therapy to help me with something I felt was too big to handle on my own. I can’t emphasize enough how much these sessions helped me. My therapist was able to question some underlying beliefs that my parents’ divorce had convinced me of, such as: men can’t be trusted. Love doesn’t last. I am undesirable/unlovable...it was hard work and painful at times, but well worth it.
There are also other ways you can begin to work toward healing:
Try this exercise.
Start a journal.
Find some support with our private online community.
Start growing in your understanding of love and relationships.
Set goals for yourself: spiritually, intellectually, physically and emotionally--where do you want to be? What do you want to accomplish?
It takes time. And I mean a lot of time and effort to work through some of the wounds that come from our parents’ divorce. Take one small step at a time. Be gentle with yourself and don’t give up. Dating can be really scary for people like us, but for those of us who are called to marriage and family life, it is a risk that is 100% worth it. And it doesn’t have to be a super painful process. See it as an opportunity to grow in trust and as a person so that you will be well-equipped to take on the challenges that come with the next season of life.
Looking back, I wish I had trusted the process a little more and stressed a lot less. So learn from my mistakes, take a deep breath, and relax.
