I Just Want to Feel Healed

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 25 years old. He gave permission for this story to be told.

HIS STORY

My parents were always arguing when I was younger and I think my dad had another woman. He moved to a different city and then my mum followed. Mum has Alzheimer's now so I don't know her version of events but my dad said they became just like friends which I take to mean he was unhappy with their sex life.

I used to blame my dad for everything but now I realise there were two adults involved. Mum could be extremely stubborn and just did things her way. Dad is very unstable and mentally ill.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

For years I suppressed it especially as my dad had two further divorces and my mum got dementia when I was 16. It was normal at school, even though it was Catholic, and nobody cared. All people care about is the adults having 'freedom of choice'. I feel sad, lonely and disparate, like I have two irreconcilable sides to my personality. I just want to feel healed but I am carrying around all of these wounds and scars.

I really liked where we were originally and my whole life was totally uprooted because of my parents' inability to love one another. Looking back now I feel like they failed me and can't help but feel that if they loved me more then they would've stayed together. Why weren't me and my siblings good enough?

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

From 17-24 I slept around, did drugs, drank, smoked and treated women like sexual objects. My dad was a womanizer so I just followed suit. I hated God and was angry. I had this constant feeling of melancholia and I never understood why. I suppressed it and told myself I was stupid and a baby. I hated myself and still do sometimes.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Don't let people tell you to be grateful that you have two sets of Christmas presents or that it's “normal.” Don't listen to the lies. Allow yourself to be sad because you need healing. Reject the culture around divorce. Lies everywhere we look. Finally, don't blame yourself even though that's the easy thing to do.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

The Catholic Church needs to be more proactive about it and stop focusing their attention on trying to give communion to the divorced and remarried. There ought to be greater understanding about the hurt it causes and how we can overcome it. It's such an overwhelming problem I think the Church is scared to tackle it head on through fear it will offend people and drive them away but the children come first.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Felt Incredibly Betrayed

The story below is from Ashlyn, written at 26 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I was 24 when my parents finally divorced after years of infidelity, countless arguments that ended yelling at each other long into the night, and many other lies and wounds. I grew up in a large Christian family. We always attended church together and my family was the "staple" Christian family at said church gatherings. But as long as I can remember my parents argued. My parents were angry with each other and there was a lot of dishonesty in their relationship and eventually, it led to their divorce.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The divorce was incredibly difficult at first, and still is at times. I was a young adult already on my own when it happened, but I had an unshakable feeling of shame and embarrassment of my family. I often questioned myself and would ask questions like; "Am I like my parents? Am I a product of a broken divorced family? Am I guilty for this?" I felt incredibly betrayed by God, my parents, and even other family members. I was always taught that marriage is forever and that you do not break the vows you made at the altar, so when I saw my parents doing this it almost destroyed everything I ever understood or knew about marriage and family.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

My parents’ divorce has impacted me as an adult substantially because I still have young siblings at home. I often felt like I had to step up and keep the peace between my parents for the sake of my younger siblings. I felt like I had to take care of them which caused me to ignore my own feelings and my own experience of the divorce for a long time. I also have shame and embarrassment when I talk about my parents’ divorce because I am Catholic and Catholics aren't supposed to get divorced.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCEd OR SEPARATED

Develop your relationship with Jesus and allow yourself to experience all the feelings that come with the situation.

Additionally, I would encourage you to set boundaries with your parents. I often found myself in the middle of my parent's arguments growing up which caused a great deal of confusion and harm to me. When I finally told my parents I was not going to participate or talk poorly about the other parent I found a lot of freedom and was able to move on the way I needed to.

Seek counseling and spiritual direction.

Do not allow your parents’ divorce cloud your view of marriage and family.

Share your story honestly. When I finally started sharing my story with others I realized I was not alone and that my story was not shameful or my fault. That is when I started to receive the most healing.

Take care of yourself. You have the freedom to change your situation. I am in the process of trying to change mine by moving out of the state where my parents reside. I have realized that I am not responsible for my parents and that it is not my duty to keep the family together.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Better counseling and better services within the Catholic Church. Many of us feel shame because the Catholic Church doesn't do a good job of providing ministries or support groups. It is not discussed in a manner that is helpful.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Am More Than My Pain

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 22 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I had a great childhood, very happy! When I was about 10, my dad got an apartment for work, or that’s what they told us kids. They separated for a brief period of time and got back together and had my little sister in the process. After that, to me, their relationship was never quite the same.

As I got into high school, I battled heavily with depression and loneliness my first year. It got so bad that I had to switch high schools midway through my sophomore year. My Sweet Sixteen was about two months after I switched. It was anything but sweet. My mom was the only one who celebrated it with me saying my dad was at “work”. That next week, I came home from Youth Group and almost instinctively knew what was going to happen.

Usually, I’d get home and my parents would be fighting, instead there was silence. They asked me if we could talk in their room. This wasn’t a good sign because they were together, not fighting for the first time in weeks. That’s how I knew. They told me how much they loved me and that they were getting a divorce. I broke down, my dad already was living in an apartment and I didn’t even pick up on it. I was the oldest of the four of us so they told me first and then my siblings after me. I walked out of the room crying and then my brother knew what was coming too. My life was impacted in every way from that point on.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The divorce made me feel unlovable because if my parents weren’t willing to fight for each other, they definitely weren’t willing to fight for me. There was so much extra drama that was happening around it as well that I just felt drained. I remember asking my mom what happened and she said, “We just fell out of love” and I remember thinking “You don’t fall out of true, authentic love so it must not have been love to being with” which I later translated as one or both of them made the CHOICE not to love anymore.

The day after they told us, there was a Reconciliation service at my high school and I went to Confession with one of my great Priest friends. I broke down in front of him, like ugly crying! It was such a release! The bad part is they spread the priest out around the gym since they didn’t have room, so people saw me, but I finally got to tell someone who wouldn’t feel sorry for me. Once I started telling friends, they all just said: “I’m sorry, I understand”. I wanted to stop feeling like the victim and I wanted it to stop being the sole topic of conversation!

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

As an adult now, SO much healing has taken place! Our Lord is so good and so loving and He met me in my mess!

About a year ago, I was talking to my mom about how I was discerning my vocation. You don’t know your vocation until you’re at the altar, but at this point in my life, I believe I’m called to marriage. Anyway, I was talking to my mom and I said, “I’m so scared to get married because I can’t go through divorce again.” There was a brief pause in the phone and she said something that will impact me the rest of my life: “Maybe that’s why God called you to marriage, because you’re scared, because it will make you holy. Marriage may be the very thing that makes you a saint!” Mind. Blown.

Ever since that moment, a lot of healing has taken place and, even though both of my parents are dating now, both of them (my dad did not regularly attend) are now attending Mass regularly which wasn’t a thing that was happening even a year ago. I really want my parents to get an annulment because, in the eyes of the Church, they are still married and should not be receiving Communion since they are both in relationships, but I’m taking baby steps to get to that point. My parents divorce will always impact me, but it’s something where God took ashes of my life and made them into diamonds.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCEd OR SEPARATED

Here’s the very first thing you need to know: It’s NOT your fault, no matter how many times your tell yourself it is, it’s not! Satan, the Father of Lies, will work as hard as he can to make you believe that it is.

Secondly, YOU are loved, you are SO loved, it is unbelievable how loved you are! There’s gonna be people that tell you things like “I’m sorry” or “I understand.” Honestly, that was the thing I hated the most because they actually don’t unless their own parents got divorced.

I would say just find a community, like this one to talk about it. It is such a release to just get all of your feelings out. I wrote letters and burned them as well and that helped, but I think the thing that helped the most was spending time with the Lord in Eucharistic Adoration as much as I could. I would go everyday between the time I got dropped off for school and the time that the bus came since my bus stop was at my siblings school/church. It gave me such healing because I could rest in the Arms of a Father who would never leave me. I started praying a daily Rosary and also rested in the Heart of my Heavenly Mother. It helped so much to know that I was more than my pain, more than my cross, more than my sin because I was His daughter! Know that you are infinitely loved by our father in Heaven!

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Well, first off, I think that this community is a GREAT start. If I had known about it, I would definitely have utilized it at the time. I think that kids need to not be made to feel like victims. Kids need to know that they have peers their own age who actually DO understand. Also, I think that there needs to be an understanding that parents are not going to put their kids in the middle because that makes it worse. I think that talking with a priest needs to be immediately available because they can help so much just to make sense of all of it. My priest friend had parents who divorced when he was a teen as well and it was so nice to have someone who understood where I was coming from!

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Family Always Has Felt Dangerous and Unpredictable

The story below is from an anonymous author that we’ll call Jennifer, written at 26 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

My first memory related to my parents' divorce took place in the summer after my fourth grade year. I was in the car with my mom and two of her cousins, who she had always been close with. We were driving through a part of town that was unfamiliar to me until we finally pulled up along the sidewalk outside of a small office building, and the car came to a halt. My mom turned to her cousins and said, "I have to do this," got out of the car, and walked into the building. I had no idea where we were, what was in the building, or what she "had to do." I later learned that the building was the leasing office for an apartment complex in a suburb about 20 minutes from my childhood home. I didn't know this until much later, but my mom had been seeking employment, and also a new place for us to live. 

A few months later after I had started fifth grade, my mom picked me up from school and said she had something she wanted to show me. We drove for a while and arrived at a small townhouse. My mom took me inside and showed me all the rooms. I remember lots of white walls and blankness. She showed me the room that was to be mine. It was much larger than my bedroom at home and this excited me. It even had its own bathroom! But I had a sinking feeling about it all. "Are we moving here with dad?" I asked my mom when we got back in the car. "No," she told me, "we would be moving here without dad." 

We celebrated our last Christmas as a family and my mom and I moved into the townhouse right after the new year. My dad continued living in our old home and I visited him on the weekends. Not long after the divorce, my dad began dating someone. His girlfriend lived an hour away and we soon found ourselves spending the weekends at her house rather than his. I hated the back and forth of custody, hated spending my weekends an hour from my home, my mom, and my friends, in what was essentially the house of a stranger. But I began to hate it all even more during my seventh grade year when my dad and his girlfriend bought a house an hour away from my hometown. 

I still visited every weekend - Thursdays meant packing my suitcase, Fridays meant dad would pick me up from school and take me against my will to the new house. Saturdays - the day that most people look forward to - were my least favorite day of the week for my entire adolescence, because they meant both waking up and going to sleep away from home. Sundays meant counting down the hours, all day long. I remember getting to my dad's house on Friday nights, going straight to my room, looking at the clock beside my bed, counting how many hours I had to kill before I would be home again. This went on roughly until college. 

My parents had what society would call a "good divorce." They were civil to each other, able to communicate about issues and logistics involving me, and I always knew they both loved me very much. They both attended my milestones and celebrations and I never had to worry about either of them making a scene if they were in the same room together. But even with all those things working in my favor, it was still difficult and unpleasant, and created lasting effects that I notice in myself to this day.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

During my teen years, in the height of it all, I remember thinking I was unaffected. I had heard about children who had not adjusted well to divorce and were in therapy or noticed significant changes in their school performance and personality. I wasn't in therapy, my grades didn't change, and I had lots of friends, so I assumed I had gotten through unscathed.

I did, however, struggle with a lot of anxiety, particularly when I was at my dad's house on the weekends. I was unhappy, always waiting to turn 18 so I wouldn't have to feel like cargo anymore. I remember many holidays spent in tears because I didn't want to leave my mom's family to go spend time with my step-family. I remember the feeling that it didn't matter what I wanted, or where I wanted to be, or how I was feeling - if it was time to get picked up or dropped off or transferred from one car to the other, I had to go.

I remember starting middle school and high school and feeling left out when my friends would talk about weekend plans, because I knew I had to travel an hour away and spend my weekends in a place where I knew no one. My friends would talk on Monday morning about the things they had done together over the weekend, and there were lots of times that the divorce had kept me from being able to share those experiences with them.

As I got further into high school, my parents were very understanding about this and worked with me to allow me to spend time with my friends on the weekends, even if that meant spending only half the weekend with my dad rather than the full weekend. I was very grateful for their willingness to be lenient when it came to this.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

As an adult, I feel much safer placing work above family. I now see that this tendency stems directly from the coping mechanisms I used to deal with the divorce during my teenage years. When I had to go to my dad's house on the weekends, I would hide in my homework. If my dad wanted me to come out of my room and spend time with my stepmom or stepsister, or if we had an event to go to with my step-family, I would always say I had homework to do. I would assign myself extra homework or read ahead in my textbooks to avoid engaging with my step-family when I was visiting my dad.

When I turned 17, I got my first job and I always tried to be scheduled on weekends and holidays. Having to work on a Friday night or Saturday meant not having to spend the entire weekend at my dad's. Having to work on Sunday meant getting to come home early. I quickly figured out that being scheduled to work was the only excuse in my life significant enough to get me out of going to my dad's house, so I became very invested in my retail job.

It wasn't until recently that I noticed the pattern. My fiancé is very family oriented and while I like the idea of family, I love the idea of independence. When I began getting intimidated by frequent family gatherings, I caught myself grasping for work events. It was then that I realized I use work to escape family, because family has always felt dangerous and unpredictable and work has always been the one area of my life that I could control, making it the safest.

Also, when I began dating, I noticed myself pursuing men who I perceived to be "safe" over men who I was more interested in or attracted to. My subconscious number one criteria for dating has always been to find someone who does not seem likely to ever end the relationship.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCE OR SEPARATED

I think I would tell them to develop their relationship with God. That was one thing that helped get me through my parents' divorce, and I believe that a large part of the faith I have in my life today is because of that foundation of forming a friendship and trust in God at a time when I was young and vulnerable. I turned to a lot of things to distract myself from my situation during my adolescence (school, music, writing, etc.) but one of the things I turned to was God and my Catholic faith, and I believe that without that early experience of relying upon God when I needed Him most, I might not be the religious person I am today.

I would also tell them to stay close to their siblings, if they have siblings. I do not have siblings, so I navigated the pain and confusion of my parents' divorce completely alone. I wish that weren't the case. I wish I'd had even just one sibling to go through it with, because we could have helped each other. I'd imagine that if I had a brother or sister, we would be so close as adults because of having gotten through that difficult time together.

Finally, I would tell them to try to enjoy their childhood and adolescence even though that may not always be easy. I spent a lot of my time as a teenager complaining because I thought that if I showed my parents how miserable I was, they would fix the situation. What I learned is that when you make yourself miserable, you only hurt yourself and you waste your own time. If I could go back I would probably try to enjoy things a little more, even if they were things I didn't want to do, because if I had allowed myself to be fully present during that time, I might have surprised myself by having meaningful experiences that I would be thankful for today.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

I think there is a shortage of resources directed at young adults from divorced homes. Divorce support focuses on the adults going through the divorce. I think creating a community like Restored and allowing young adults to share their stories can be such a huge help to others going through the same thing. I would love to hear stories from other young adults who dealt with divorce growing up. I would love the opportunity to talk with them, share stories (even sad or painful stories), and be part of a community where adult children of divorce can support each other and help each other heal.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Just Wanted Us to Be a Loving Family

The story below is from an anonymous author that we’ll call Mary, written at 54 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

My parents fought all through my childhood. Alcohol was always the spark that started the fire. If my dad wasn't home by 7pm, we knew he wouldn't be home until well after midnight, and that he'd be drunk. My mom would wait for him, drinking wine and trying to figure out how to get back at him. Sometimes she'd make me call the bar, ask for him, and ask when he's coming home. I hated that.

Other times she'd take us to a motel to make him think we were leaving him. And then some nights her blind rage came out as soon as he got home. Very physical and horrible fights. I was so scared they were going to kill each other and called the police on several occasions. I was told if I kept doing that, we'd end up in foster homes.

One night as I was hiding in my bedroom, I heard a huge crash. She had ripped the new chandelier they had just bought out of the ceiling. It was in a million pieces on the dining room floor. Another time, my mother had a black eye and made me take a picture of her. I was so scared my dad was going to go to jail. Who would provide for us? Why couldn't they just stop fighting?

After I turned 17, my mom talked to me and asked me how I would feel if she divorced my dad. I told her I just wanted the fighting to stop. She took that as a green light, told my dad she wanted a divorce, and that the kids support her. It was horrible.

I felt completely stuck in the middle and felt I had betrayed my father. The worst day of my life was when I visited my dad in his new apartment. I cried for days. He did not want the divorce, but also, he did nothing to save their marriage or to address his alcohol issues. I loved both my parents, I just wanted them to love each other. I wanted us to be a loving family.

How the divorce made her feel

I felt incredibly lonely. I went off to a college where I didn't know anyone, and now I had no home to come back to since they sold our family home. I was truly on my own and had no idea how to handle that.

I never drank in high school because I didn't want to be like my parents. I started drinking in college to numb the pain. After college, I moved to another state, and so did my brother. Watching our parents marry different people was incredibly painful, and we didn't want to be around their "new lives" that didn't involve us. My mom actually wanted me to be her "maid of honor" during her wedding to her new husband, which was two years after the divorce. When I said "No, I can't do that to my dad," she was furious at me.

My dad also later re-married, and twenty-three years later, during his battle with terminal cancer, my stepmother tried to prevent me from seeing him, and insisted he leave his money equally to her and her three children and hated the fact my father was leaving anything to my brother and me. It made a horrible event even more horrible. I fell into deep depression and have never really gotten over it. It still haunts me.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I have made terrible choices in people I have dated, and the man I married and eventually divorced, an alcoholic and drug addict. It seems I have a need to "fix" people, to no avail. Fortunately, we didn't have children.

I have trust issues, fear of abandonment, terrible self-loathing, depression, and no sense of purpose. No self-confidence at all. I had an abortion, thinking this child is better off not living with me as a mom. I struggled with alcohol issues, and a lack of loyalty to family and friends. I tend to sabotage relationships as protection. I assume they will eventually leave me, so I leave first. It is a terrible pattern.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE divorced

Find someone to talk to, who has gone through it as well. Someone you can trust.

Your parents will tell you this is not your fault, and it isn't. When you think you can't be loved, because you are the combination of two people who can't stand each other, know that it was God who created you. They were only the physical vessels in His plan, and their sin does not define God's love for you. His love is real and will never leave you nor forsake you.

Unite your loneliness with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, and cling to the Cross! Know you are loved deeply by your Creator, the Creator of the Universe, as best you can. It is the only true, real kind of love that is understandable.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Form a fellowship for them. A support group. Knowing others are going through the same emotions and experiences helps us feel less crazy, less lonely. Fellowship is key. Just for the children of divorce. The parents can't be involved at all. The children need a safe environment where they can open up with each other. The real problem is they feel they can't speak to anyone, that no one understands nor cares. An older adult child of divorce as a moderator would be a great start. Ask them to write down their stories, share them, and discuss how they can heal and move forward.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Sea of Confusion

4 minute read.

The story below is from Kendra, written at 23 years old. She gave permission for her story to be told and her real name to be used. 

Her Story

We did an intervention for my dad's alcoholism right before Christmas of my freshman year of high school. I was 14. We thought that it went well, and he agreed that he would go to treatment for his addiction. When we went to visit him for Christmas at the treatment center, he was royally pissed off and tremendously cold. He refused to see us beyond a 15 minute hello.

Two days later, we drove back home and heard from the center that he had left. He then moved out, filed for separation, and all hell broke loose. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on. The small town in which we lived all became involved and sides were drawn. Teachers were harder on me, acquaintances and relatives alike tried to tell me I was acting ridiculous towards my father.

I didn't understand how to articulate how hurt and betrayed I felt. The courts dragged us through counselor after counselor, but the judge wouldn't meet with me or any of my siblings to let us say our part. I felt like my opinion didn't matter because I wasn't 18 and a legal adult. There was no trustworthy confidant for me throughout this whole time. I threw myself into school and extracurricular activities, ignoring the not-so-quiet whispers regarding my family. There was no privacy — our family's dirty laundry was dragged all over the town.

My mother decided to move my senior year but wanted to make sure I was okay with that. I was numb—I didn't have an opinion one way or another. The divorce was finalized that year, so we were court-ordered to continue to see my dad every other weekend. It was hell. My little sister and I dreaded driving the four hours to his house, the whole weekend, the manipulations and verbal and emotional abuse—all of it. We became recluses in our own house, mindlessly going through the weekend watching TV or just sitting in silence. We would try to ignore the horrible things my dad would say about my mother or other siblings—or even of us. 

My senior year is a blur. I hardly made any friends because I was so scared they would all turn against me again. The counselors kept changing so I couldn't even talk to them. I became overprotective of my little sister who is four years younger than me. I became more of a parent to her rather than a sister, and all she wanted and needed was a big sister. I carried great anger towards my parents and siblings, feeling abandoned and alone. 

When I turned 18 during the spring of my senior year of high school, I refused to see my dad. I felt awful leaving my little sister alone there for the weekends, but I somehow knew I needed to do something for myself. I made things worse for her when I was there because I couldn't keep quiet as I heard all of these awful things. She later told me it was a little better only because there wasn't arguing, but she desperately needed a sister. 

Leaving for college was exciting. I was going out of state and knew that I would completely get a fresh start. I would have the chance for people to get to know the real me, not worrying about them knowing about my dad. I knew that I would be able to invest in relationships because I was not only going to be there for a year. I started to feel again. I found a spiritual director and grounded myself in faith and reason. Still, I made and lost friendships because I wasn't happy with myself. I felt unlovable but couldn't come to terms with it. It's still a daily struggle.

December 2017 was nine years since my dad left. I haven't seen him since 2013. I've drawn and held the boundary I know that I need — can't have a relationship with him until he comes to terms with his addiction and wants to change. I just can't. And you know what? That's okay. My siblings and I will never all be on the same page in our relationship with our dad. That's okay. I'm constantly working on forgiveness towards both him and my mom.

How Her Parents' Separation has Impacted Her

I struggle with the daily belief that I'm not lovable or enough. Even though I have come to terms with his leaving, it affects every other relationship in my life: professional, familial, filial, and romantic. There are times when I go through similar numb periods of just existing instead of enjoying and being thankful for my life. These frequently happen when I get a text from him or someone asks about him. I freeze up and my gut forms a knot. 

I needed to find ways I could be happy and to selfishly pursue those. I've communicated those needs to my family and friends, so they understand if I need to go for a vigorous hike in the woods to blow off some steam. If I don't, my anger will affect everyone else around me that I know and love.

Advice to Someone Whose Parents have Separated

Find someone to talk to, someone who shares the same beliefs as you. Many of my counselors didn't understand why I was so angry with my dad for leaving and filing for divorce —they didn't understand the Catholic teaching of it. Many counselors didn't understand that there was a high-functioning alcohol addiction hidden in our family communication that still affects me to this day. It wasn't until I found someone that understood and respected my beliefs, realized that alcoholism and its communication patterns were present and that I built up trust in them that I could start to heal.

How to Help Young People from Divorced and Separated Families

No one wants to talk about divorce. Or, rather, no one wants to talk about the devastatingly negative effects divorce has upon the kids. It might seem like the best thing for the parents because they are unhappy, but they are passing the cross of marriage down onto their kids —and it is absolutely not the best thing for them at all. I wish I knew that someone would've been there for me as I was going through an already tumultuous time in my life, and then this massive curveball was thrown at me. If someone—anyone —would have reached out to me to just talk...I would have been so appreciative of that lifeline thrown to me as I was drowning in a sea of confusion.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

The Purpose of Marriage Isn't Happiness?

4 minute read

In all human love it must be realized that every man promises a woman, and every woman promises a man that which only God alone can give, namely, perfect happiness. - Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

“I, Joey, take you Brigid, as my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you until one of us becomes unhappy.” …wait, what? As funny as it sounds, the sad truth is that some people leave their spouse because they become unhappy.

Undoubtedly, there are numerous causes of divorce. I’d like to only focus on one problem that I believe is underneath many marriages that split: consciously or not, we expect our spouse and marriage to make us perfectly happy.

In Three to Get Married, Fulton Sheen wrote:

“In all human love it must be realized that every man promises a woman, and every woman promises a man that which only God alone can give, namely, perfect happiness. One of the reasons why so many marriages are shipwrecked is because as the young couple leave the altar, they fail to realize that human feelings tire and the enthusiasm of the honeymoon is not the same as the more solid happiness of enduring human love… In the first moments of human love, one does not see the little hidden deformities which later on appear.”

In his fatherly way, St. John Paul II often tried to shatter the illusion in young people that marriage will only bring endless romance and happiness. He knew if we make an idol out of anything, it will eventually leave us empty. Only God can satisfy the ache in our hearts for perfect love and happiness. Yet we often look to another person for the love that only God can give us.

If not happiness, what’s the purpose of marriage?

“Marriage does not exist to make you happy; marriage exists to make you holy,” said Jason Evert.

In other words, marriage exists to make you a saint; to transform you into the best version of yourself and draw you closer to God. Of course, marriage also exists for the procreation and education of children. Simply put, it means being open to life, parenting well, and helping your children become saints, too. (See CCC, 1601.)

God is love. The central mission of our lives is to perfectly reflect his image. Therefore, the more authentically we love, the more we become like God, and consequently, the more we become ourselves.

However, to love like God does, denying ourselves and choosing what’s best for those we love is necessary. That will inevitably lead to suffering. Jesus on the cross is the perfect example. St. Clare of Assisi knew this when she said, “Love that cannot suffer is not worthy of that name.”

When the struggles come, do not become discouraged. Rely on God's grace via the Sacraments. Ask Our Lady for assistance. Find a good spiritual director to guide you. And remember: You were made for greatness. Did you think it would come easy? Nothing worth having comes easy. No Olympic athlete ever won gold by watching Netflix or quitting when sacrifice became required. They endured grueling training just to win a piece of metal. Why should you expect any less sacrifice if you want a great marriage?

Does that mean marriage will be miserable? Nope! Marriage will be wonderful and difficult. Joyful and frustrating. Beautiful and challenging. Just like life. The real measure of a successful marriage is not how happy the couple feels but rather how virtuous and holy each becomes.

As you discern and head toward marriage, here are five ideas to purify your idea of marriage.

• Make God the center of your life and ask him to purify your idea of marriage.

• Remember: Marriage does not exist to make you happy; it exists to make you a saint, and holiness is the path to authentic joy..

• Set realistic expectations for marriage by spending time with good families and holy couples.

• Unhappiness in your marriage is not a sign that you chose the wrong vocation, married the wrong person, or that you should leave your spouse.

• Don’t despair. Even amid struggles, a great marriage is possible with God’s grace and hard work.

This post was originally featured by the Chastity Project here. Later, it was featured in Shalom Tidings Magazine (online and print).

Believe and Be Satisfied

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says, "No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with Me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry
Don't look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don't look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly. I AM God.
Believe it and be satisfied.

---

The words above are often misattributed to St. Anthony of Padua. To my knowledge, the author is unknown.

Is Anxiety Wrecking Your Life?

Anxiety is crippling.

Anxiety puts your mind on a hamster wheel and keeps it running. It steals your peace and never lets you rest. If you've gone through periods of feeling anxious, you know how hellish and uncomfortable it is. In my life, I've experienced seasons where my anxiety was through the roof, especially during my parents' separation and divorce. It's horrible and I never wish it upon anyone.

So, what can you do about anxiety?

Fr. Mike Schmitz tackles that question. He begins by saying, "What are the things that kill peace?" In short, he says that inaction, a lack of trust in God, and sin steal your peace. He goes on to share the solution to undoing anxiety in this podcast titled Be At Peace (25:51 min). (If you'd like to listen on the go, you can find the episode for iPhones here and Android here.)

Disclaimer: There are certain types of extreme anxiety that deserve the clinical help of a counselor or psychiatrist. However, before turning to those options, give what Fr. Mike suggests a try for a short period of time, maybe a month or two. Still not working? Look for a good Catholic counselor or psychiatrist.

When Feeling in Love Fades

"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing." - C.S. Lewis

My parents' marriage tragically ended in divorce. I still can't imagine the pain and loneliness that has caused them. In my life, it has caused me pain and struggle too. Watching their love end has made me doubt love. Buried deep inside me even today is this question: does love last? More specifically, can it last for me? 

Those questions have impacted every relationship in my life, particularly romantic relationships. In short, it made me a timid, safe, and distant lover. Beneath those questions is another question: what is love?

Our world says that love is an emotion. If that's true, it makes sense that the measure of love is the intensity of one's emotions. More emotion, more love; less emotion, less love. Hollywood portrays it that way and mainstream music delivers the same message.

While feelings are certainly an aspect of love, authentic love is much more than the roller coaster of one's emotions. St. John Paul the Great said: "Love is not merely a feeling; it is an act of will that consists of preferring, in a constant manner, the good of others to the good of oneself." Wow. His words fly in the face of what our culture says. Hearing this made me realize that to answer the question "can love last?" I first needed to purify my idea of love.

If I believed that love is merely an emotion, and that more emotion means more love, wouldn't that also mean that when emotion fades, love fades too? It's no wonder I would freak out when my feelings fluctuated and faded in my relationships. I thought love was ending.

Wrestling with my doubts about love, I looked for answers over the years. I found some gems of wisdom that have helped me and I'd like to share them with you too:

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing [you]. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away[.]”

C.S. Lewis: Mere Christianity

“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

J.R.R. Tolkien: Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien

"When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think that they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find. The real soul-mate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed very profitably have married, if only—. Hence divorce, to provide the ‘if only’.

"And of course they are as a rule quite right: they did make a mistake. Only a very wise man at the end of his life could make a sound judgement concerning whom, amongst the total possible chances, he ought most profitably have married! Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the ‘real soul-mate’ is the one you are actually married to. In this fallen world, we have as our only guides, prudence, wisdom (rare in youth, too late in age), a clean heart, and fidelity of will…"

Jason Evert: How do you know if you should marry the person you’re seeing?

"Finally, know that if marriage is anything, it is a carefully planned leap of faith. You will need to weigh all the above considerations and more, pray about them, and make a decision. You can only know a person so well before you marry. This is because coming to know another person is not so much a destination as it is a lifelong process. Within marriage you will see strengths and weaknesses more clearly than ever before. Because of this there are inevitably going to be disappointments, but you should anticipate them with hope.

"When difficulties arise—and they will come—they will test and affirm your love. Marriage is not an endless whirling romance, and your marriage will suffer to the extent that you expect it to fit that fairy tale. When the infatuation fades, some imagine that they must not have married Mr. or Miss Right. This is partly why so many divorces happen within the first few years of marriage. It is a shame that couples are not prepared to let their relationship breathe. We often have little faith when the time comes to exhale. There is a love waiting to grow, but it is a quieter love than a couple know at the start of their relationship. It is unfortunate that so few have the patience to wait and work in sacrifice to see it blossom.

"Successful marriages are not the result of finding the perfect person but of loving the imperfect person you have chosen to marry. Therefore, do not allow yourself to be discouraged when you discover faults and annoyances that you never recognized before. It is said that after marriage, the man gets upset because the woman changes, and the woman gets upset because the man will not change. But when faults do come to the surface, we should not be set on “fixing” our spouse. We marry a person, not a project. We marry a human being, not an idealized image. Only when we let go of the idealized image and begin to accept and love our spouse will the deepest and most fulfilling kind of love appear. As a friend of mine once said, “I married her because I loved her. Now I love her because I married her.”

"When a couple understand these principles, they are mature enough to think about marriage. We are not eleven years old anymore, fluttering from one crush to another according to how fun the feelings are. When a relationship is based on an infatuation instead of a decision, it will last only as long as the infatuation does. We must be careful about what we base our relationships on, because finding the love that everyone longs for is a serious endeavor.

"Pope John Paul II beautifully sums up all of these thoughts in his book Love and Responsibility:

'The essential reason for choosing a person must be personal, not merely sexual. Life will determine the value of a choice and the value and true magnitude of love. It is put to the test most severely when the sensual and emotional reactions themselves grow weaker, and sexual values as such lose their effect. Nothing then remains except the value of the person, and the inner truth about the love of those connected comes to light. If their love is a true gift of self, so that they belong to the other, it will not only survive but grow stronger, and sink deeper roots. Whereas if it was never more than a synchronization of sensual and emotional experiences it will lose its raison d’être [reason for existence] and the persons involved in it will suddenly find themselves in a vacuum. We must never forget that only when love between human beings is put to the test can its true value be seen.'

Here's what I've learned with time: Feelings can't and won't last. But desiring and choosing what's best for someone can last. That's love. Love is an action. Don't get me wrong, feelings are an important part of love. But they are only a part. And they certainly are not the measure of real love. 

If your feelings are fading in your relationship, take a deep breath. It doesn't mean you don't love the person. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. When feelings fade, it invites us to a deeper love, as seen in the quotes above. Sure, in a dating relationship, you may realize this person just isn't right for you. There's also reason to doubt a relationship if romantic feelings have never been present. And that's okay. Still, never base a decision on the fade of emotion alone. Look at the objective parts of the relationship too, like Jason Evert mentions here.

Also, check out the resources on our Love & Relationships page to find tips on building lasting love.

Suicide

What happens to someone who commits suicide? Fr. Mike articulates the answer that the Catholic Church offers on suicide in the video below. He offers hope to anyone who has considered suicide or experienced the impact of losing someone in this way. If you or someone you know struggles with suicidal thoughts, this video is for you.

If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, please know you are not alone. In fact, we're praying for you and we have a network of people praying for you. While we don't know your exact situation, we want to help you. First, know you are loved and needed in this world. In talking with people considering suicide, I've learned something: it's not that you want your life to end but rather you want the pain you feel to end. Isn't that right? The pain will never end, you may think. Even if you think you have tried everything, please don't give up yet.

As a young man, Karol Wojtyla lived through some of the darkest years in history. It's difficult for us to even imagine. By age 12, his mother, sister, and brother had all died. He was alone with his father. Years later, the Nazis invaded Poland. Their brutality was later replaced by the Russian Soviets who in many ways were worse than the Nazis. Although he had every reason in the world to give up hope, he kept fighting. Years later, as Pope John Paul II, he wrote: "I plead with you--never, ever give up on hope, never doubt, never tire, and never become discouraged" (Pope John Paul II: In My Own Words). If he can keep fighting, you can too.

Before making a decision, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Online chat is also available here. Feel free to reach out to us here too.

Artwork Credit: Cassie Pease Designs

Primal Loss

In her book Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, Leila Miller compiled painful stories of men and women from divorced families and the struggles they've faced and still face today. Even as adults, they share how their parents' separation and divorce has impacted them.

In an interview with Patrick Coffin, Leila discussed why she compiled the book, the shocking struggles her contributors face even years after the divorce, the drastically different life experience that adult children of divorce have compared to adult children from intact families, and the much more. You can watch the interview here:

We live in an age of divorce parties, Hallmark Cards that celebrate divorce, and sit-com plots that revolve around the "hilarious" hi jinx that ensue when the ex comes over. The necessary premise for this age is the notion that kids don't really suffer because of divorce, not really, right?

You can connect with Leila Miller on Facebook.

Why Does God Let Us Suffer?

Why does God let us suffer? Chris Stefanick answers this difficult and heavy question. 

Pain and suffering are often peoples' biggest obstacle to faith. "If there is a God, why does he let us suffer?" They conclude there is no God, or that he doesn't care about us. Chris Stefanick points us to the truth revealed on the cross, that God is love, and suffers for us, and with us.

Chris founded and leads Real Life Catholic. He's an author and speaker who "has devoted his life to inspiring people to live a bold, contagious faith." More videos from Chris on happiness, trust, and modern heroes can be found here.

5 Tips to Conquer Fear

This post was originally featured on the Culture Project blog.

Be not afraid!

Simple yet epic words. Hearing St. John Paul II shout them in his passionate Polish accent is powerful. Coming from a man who lived it with his every breath, those words have always inspired me to be courageous and never settle for mediocrity.

Still, that phrase confused me. It led me to think that fear should be absent from my life, that it should be non-existent, and that I should never feel afraid. However, I knew it was impossible to completely extinguish fear from my life. With fear present, was I just a coward?

With time I learned that it’s okay to feel afraid. That does not mean, however, that we allow fear to control our actions. We must act in spite of it. That’s what John Paul II meant when he told us to be not afraid.

In my post on the demands of really loving someone, I said that fear is crippling. It holds us back and leaves us feeling stuck. In that article, I shared my fear of love and vulnerability. Fear has held me back from giving and receiving the love I desire. With a strong desire to love, the fear I felt had to be conquered.

Courage is needed in order to conquer fear. I once heard someone say that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. That judgment leads to the choice to take action in spite of the fear. Every great story involves a hero who must be courageous in the face of fear and hardship. Think of movies like Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, The Patriot, Gladiator, Batman Begins… the list goes on. Each protagonist possessed courage. Courage is heroic and heroism is greatly needed in our world today. I mean, imagine humanity without it. How dull of a world would that be? Without the bravery to do what is good and stand for what is true, our world would fall apart and become full of empty, lifeless, and passionless men and women… men without chests, as C.S. Lewis famously coined.

I won’t lie. Quitting is easier and it always will be. In one way or another, we all fear failure, vulnerability, commitment, and abandonment. Holding back is the safer option. Being courageous is risky and involves suffering because you are opening yourself to potential pain. A life of courage will tear and pierce your heart in ways that words cannot describe. It will cost you much. Yet, the depths that it opens in your heart will make you better: more human, more loving, more fraternal, more virtuous. To reach your potential greatness, facing your fear is critical and it is the deciding factor of your growth.

With my fear of being vulnerable, I knew that the love I desired was worth the fear of being rejected and hurt. And so, despite the risk, I chose to face my fear. And it was worth it. She was worth it. But most of all, that’s the kind of man I want to be: courageous and bold in the way he loves. When I die, I want to be remembered as a man who fought for what he loved and risked much to defend all that is good, true and beautiful. I’m not there yet, but heroes aren’t made in a moment. Like athletes, they are built over time, little by little, by every small choice to do the right thing.

But let’s be practical. Here are five tips that will help you conquer your fears and become the person you are made and aspire to be.

1. Face it. 

The first step to beat fear is to recognize it. Don’t run. Face it. Until you’re real with yourself and stare fear cold in the eyes, you won’t be able to overcome it. Facing your fear is likely to be intimidating and certainly is humbling. After all, who wants to declare weakness? Still, starting here is crucial. Until you begin to understand your fear, you won’t overcome it. Unless the doctor knows the disease, he can’t give the cure. In my case, identifying and admitting my fear of vulnerability has been essential to overcoming it.

2. Get it out of your head.

Fear feeds off isolation. If you keep it to yourself, inside your head, it’ll remain and even grow bigger. Write it down and talk to a trusted friend or mentor about it, or even a counselor. Don’t deal with it alone: get it out. Inside one’s mind, fear is large and loud. Putting it on paper and into space with your words helps to see fear for what it actually is. Seeing it written on a little piece of paper makes it less overwhelming.  At that point, it is possible to speak truth to your fears. This is necessary because fear is deceptive. It says you can’t when in reality you can. Consequently, speaking the truth deflates fear. Bring your fear into the light and feed it with truth.

3. Act. 

Since fear holds us back and leaves us feeling stuck, the ultimate solution is action. It means doing whatever you’re afraid of doing. Afraid of flying? The only way to overcome it is by eventually getting on a plane. Terrified of public speaking? Give a talk. Scared to commit? Make a commitment. Yes, it is scary. It’s nerve-racking. It may even be humbling. But fear isn’t overcome by hiding. It is conquered by walking through it. I wish there was an easier way, but there isn’t. If you’re scared, that’s okay: Do it scared. But make sure you do it. In my case, although afraid of opening my heart to possible hurt, I pursued the girl who would later become my girlfriend. Eventually, by loving her, I became less afraid and more courageous.

4. Don’t take life too seriously. 

“The only reason to take this life too seriously is if it’s your only one,” said Archbishop Fulton Sheen. Laugh. Be ridiculous. Be silly. Enjoy the beauty of creation. Watch a sunset. Gaze dramatically upon the ocean. Pour your heart into helping those who need you. Jesus and Mary were the most joyful people in history. Jesus didn’t come to make us all sad, instead, He came to transform us to being fully alive. In Jesus’ own words, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (Jn 10:10). Honestly, God wants us to be as carefree and joyful as children. His children. Trust God with complete abandon and watch your fear melt away.

5. Fall in love. 

There is no better motivation than love. All other motives pale in comparison. It is said that a knight could have no courage without love; his love gave him a reason to fight. Conquer fear with love. My proposition: fall in love with Jesus. Already have a relationship with Him? Go deeper. He is always the answer. No love can really satisfy us besides His. Be patient though; love takes time to develop. He’s crazy about you and me. Do you know that? There is a unique place in His Heart that thirsts for you and your love. Despite what the world says, falling in love with God is incredible. However, it takes the experience of loving him to know that to be true. St. Augustine said it best: “To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement.” God will give you the strength to overcome your fears. Rely on him. He’s waiting to give you all that you need.

Do not become discouraged if fear exists in your life. Battling fear is human. Until I die, I will have to fight it. Already, this somewhat silent battle has made me into a better man… a man who is more courageous, more virtuous. When you overcome fear, you will be free. With this freedom, thriving and flourishing can actually happen. You are able to be yourself, fall in love with life, live to the fullest, and love with all your heart. Do not settle for anything less. Be not afraid!

70 College Men Vs. Strip Club

This interview between Matt Fradd and Joey Pontarelli.

Joey, Thanks for being willing to do this interview. What is Red Light Ministry?

On Friday nights, the men of Franciscan University pray outside a nearby strip club. “Red Light Ministry” is what we call it. I’m sure you’ve heard of people praying outside abortion clinics – same concept.

As we arrive, the men line the sidewalk opposite of the strip club. Usually, we pray two Rosaries and a Chaplet of Divine Mercy. We pray two Rosaries for a specific reason: first, we ask God to rescue all the people involved by meditating on the Sorrowful Mysteries. Secondly, we pray the Glorious Mysteries to thank him in advance for the good we are confident he will do in the future, as well as the good he’s already done.

Awesome. Whose idea was it?

Red Light's inception happened in 2008 or 2009. John Kennedy, a student then and member of Prodigal Sons household, had the idea. How did it happen? John and a few friends were bored on a random Friday night. Having heard of the idea of men praying outside strip clubs, the three of them decided to give it a try. They reasoned that since it was important to pray outside abortion clinics, this was needed too.

How many people come to it a week?

Every week the turnout fluctuates. This semester, the range has been 40 – 120 men each week. Most recently, we had 70 men.

Is it mostly men?

Yes. In fact, only men pray outside the strip club. But we’re not alone. Back on campus, the ladies do a holy hour for us. It’s powerful and beautiful!

Are people surprised to see young men there praying?

Last Friday, two ladies and a guy around my age pulled into the parking lot, got out of their car and came to talk with us. Intrigued by our presence, they asked why we were there. So I explained. They were surprised and amazed. One of the girls said, “It’s amazing that you’re a bunch of men; usually you all would be inside the strip club.”

What are some comments you’ve received?

Both positive and negative. We’ve received everything: thumbs up, honks, and words of encouragement to curses, crude remarks, and cars deliberately splashing water at us. I even heard that once a dude came over with a baseball bat to taunt us. You get praised; you get insulted.

What is your opinion of Christians who hold up signs like “You’re Going To Hell” outside these places, how is your method more effective?

With all respect, that is a horrible approach. Nobody will listen. It is a turn off. It’s all about fear and guilt. While sin is horrific and we shouldn’t minimize it, I believe that the human person doesn’t respond well to that method. A better approach is through love and desire. Instead of scaring them into action, show them you love and care about them personally. Additionally, rather than place an external requirement or law on them, point to the desires of their hearts.

They want happiness and love. Those desires are much stronger motivators than any fears. Pointing to their desire and loving them, they are more likely to trust you. As St. Josemaria Escriva said, “Naturalness, sincerity, and cheerfulness are indispensable conditions for the apostle to attract people” (Furrow, 188). If nothing else, they’ve felt respected and walked away with a positive image of you as polite and sincere.

Tell us about your encounter with Emily

On a Friday night not long ago, we arrived as usual across from the strip club with 60 – 70 men. As the rosary began to be prayed, a few of the dancers who worked at the club were passing. One approached me. Emily asked me to pray with her. And so, for a minute or so we prayed the rosary. Then, turning to her, I asked if she would be willing to talk. She replied yes.

What did you talk about with her?

I asked about her family and background. At 27, she is the mother of five. Last year, her husband died from colon cancer. Eventually, I asked why she worked there. She told me how she recently lost another job. With bills to pay and kids to feed, she felt no choice.
Acknowledging her difficult situation, I asked another question: “What would it take for you to quit?” She needed another job. More specifically, she needed a car. Currently, her “friends” who also worked at the strip club drove her there.

Again, I asked another question: “If we could help with your bills and finding a car, would you quit?” She said absolutely. She hated it. The boss was a scum and pervert, mistreating the girls. As I spoke with her, the DJ came out to find her. I met him. He was nice to her but said that the boss was flipping out. Her response, “I’m coming…he can wait.”

Then what happened?

After he left, I knew the situation was urgent. And so I asked: “What would it take for you to quit right now?” She needed to pay two bills equal to $160. “If we gave you the money, would you quit?” I proposed. She was hesitant, stating that it felt like a gamble. Before long, she admitted that she would quit.

Stepping in front of the men, I stopped the prayer. Addressing them, I told Emily’s story. I knew I asked them to trust my judgment, that she was honest and wouldn’t misuse the money. Since I gave her money already, all she needed was $120.

Within minutes, we raised $300 for her; double our aim. With that, we spoke with her more, gave her contact information for support, and then drove her home. Oh, and I gave her a copy of Crystalina Evert’s Pure Womanhood (which she loved).

What did her demeanor and body language tell you?

That she felt defeated and she was hurting. Her eyes were heavy. I could tell that she wasn’t used to a man looking her in the eyes. Interestingly, her clothes covered almost every inch of her body. Also, I could tell she was hungry for God. She wanted out of there.

What did she think about all the men there?

In the past, she had seen us praying. However, she wasn’t sure of our intentions. She would wave to us and apparently we didn’t wave back. I reassured her that we weren’t out there to condemn anyone. In fact, the reason we were there was to tell every man and every women in the strip club that they are worth so much more than that. She was very receptive to that and agreed wholeheartedly.

Besides driving her home, what other help did you give to her?

A friend of mine, Tommy Lannen, with the help of Hannah Terbrack, gave Emily contact information to ministries nearby. We knew she needed support – especially from women.

Katie Gesto and Camille Mica are missionaries in the area. They build relationships and offer practical support and healing to women who have suffered sexual abuse or sexual exploitation, such as prostitution and stripping. Most importantly, they give Christ to these women. Prayer is core to their apostolates. The ministries are called “Mama Nita’s” and “All Things New,” respectively. Since we met Emily, she has been spending time with those ladies. 

What are your thoughts on Emily?

At first, talking with her was intimidating. That changed quickly. Instead of viewing her as a “stripper,” I looked at her as a daughter of God; as a human person like you and me. Regardless of our sins, we never lose our great value as God’s beloved creatures and children.

Were you afraid?

Yes. I felt nervous and afraid as I began speak with her. But I knew she was more important than my fear. So I had to be courageous.

What’s happening now?

Sadly, she went back. Devastating, I know. After giving her help, it is hard to watch her return. Again, she felt stuck there in order to provide for her family. However, she did quit again. My missionary friend, Camille Mica, told me that women in the sex industry usually quit 5 – 7 times before they get out of it. And so, one more quit is a step in the right direction.

Emily has been looking for jobs. Still, there has been no luck. But we’re trying. She is certainly in a difficult position having to provide for her children and pay the bills. Honestly, she needs a job – and a car. So those are the two goals we are working toward. She has been attending Mass, which is fantastic! God is doing good work. In due time, he will pull her out of that lifestyle. We knew it would be a long journey. Any prayers for Emily are much appreciated!

What did you learn from this?

The power of prayer. I’m convinced that prayer did the heavy lifting. Also, I learned the influence you can have on another person by merely looking them in the eyes, loving them and asking good questions. Really, that’s all I did. I asked questions and she put two and two together.

Lovephobia

This post was originally featured on the Culture Project blog.

Love is scary.

Sitting in a coffeehouse in downtown Pittsburgh, I overheard a young woman Skyping her female friend. Naturally, their conversation revolved around a boy.

She spoke about the last time the guy and she had talked. Apparently, this guy wanted nothing to do with love and relationships. In fact, he didn’t even want to talk about them. It seemed that he had an aversion to love and, even though they were friends, she didn’t understand. While I don’t know the details in that man’s life, it is a familiar story: many people are afraid of love.

Everyone wants to love and be loved. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t want that somewhere deep down inside them. But I’ve met a lot of people who are afraid of it. And I’m one of them.

Fear usually has a root. I come from a broken and divorced family. At a young age, my parents’ marriage fell apart. Since I was close with my father, my trust in him was shattered when my parents separated. It hurt. Before, I felt safe in his presence. After, I felt betrayed. And so, I couldn’t help but think and internalize that love was not safe.

After that, I withdrew into myself. I felt alone. Nobody was trustworthy. Because I was hurting, I tried to numb the pain with pleasure. And so, destructive behaviors followed. I became selfish, angry, negative… During my family’s collapse, a friend introduced me to pornography. While that obsession was short-lived, it led to a distortion of love and regretful mistakes.

Ten years later, I see that fear has held me back from love. Initially, I couldn’t put my finger on it. As time progressed, it did click. This fear has surfaced most clearly in my dating relationships. How did it? Fear encouraged me to love at a distance. You see, if nobody really knew me, they couldn’t hurt me. Loving at arm’s length is safe. But it will kill your relationship.

Authentic love requires vulnerability. C.S. Lewis once wrote that, “to love at all is to be vulnerable.” Vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability allows one to be seen for who they really are, and thus the other is given an incredible opportunity to love them more fully. It means taking your mask off and committing to openness and honesty. In a healthy relationship, this vulnerability happens over time and requires prudence and patience. Don’t pour your heart out to just anyone, all at once. But, over time, the love becomes so much more real due to this vulnerability. The intimacy that we all crave thrives on this type of realness.

But vulnerability scares me. In my past, that openness and trust led to pain. And so, why would I love again? At the root of my fear was this insecurity: I’m a gift not worth giving. If I was, why did dad leave? Apparently, I wasn’t enough for him. Deep down, I didn’t want that to happen again.

My parents’ split taught me another lie that’s remained in my subconscious: No matter how good it is, love doesn’t last; eventually it will fall apart. Give yourself and eventually you’ll be hurt. It naturally follows then, that one would hold back. And that’s what I’ve done many times.

All these fears have disposed me to be a timid lover. I don’t want to be a timid lover. My desire is to be a courageous and virtuous man. And so, I’ve had to fight my fears. To do so, I’ve had to bring them into the light. Thinking that love was not safe, I realized the truth that, yes, love is risky. That is the nature of love in our broken world. Still, I’ve learned that love is worth the risk. As I quoted before, C.S. Lewis expresses it beautifully in The Four Loves. He shows the reality of what it is to love, and what it is to hold your love back:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Lie #1: I’m a gift not worth giving. Jesus has taught me the opposite. He thinks I am. Apparently, he thinks that I am worth dying for. And He is God, so He must be right. Actually believing that at my core has taken a while. Yet, little by little I am becoming more convinced. Spending time with Jesus in the Eucharist has helped. A lot. I mean, how do you fall in love with someone if you don’t spend time with them?

Lie #2: Love doesn’t last. God’s love lasts. In fact, it will never change. He’s eternal and so is his love. And human love can last too. I’ve seen it: beautiful married couples who genuinely love each other. It’s incredibly inspiring.

Honestly, my battle isn’t over. I’m still wrestling my fear. It is an interior struggle. Sometimes I win, other times I lose. In it all, there’s a truth that I’ve learned:

I’ve never regretted facing my fears. 

On the other hand, I have regretted being controlled by them. Fear is crippling. You feel stuck. And so to move beyond it, you must walk through it. There’s no easy way around it. But the truth is that when you move past fear, you feel free. In my case, free to love.