You Can Still Love and Be Loved
2 minute read
This story was written by Cody at 22 years old. His parents divorced when he was 14 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.
HIS STORY
My parents fought a lot. Often over the most insignificant things; many mornings I would hear them fight over who stole the other person’s cigarette lighter. When I was fourteen my mother initiated the divorce after several intense fights that happened in the year leading up to that decision.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL
I was enraged. I felt incredibly alone and my parents kept using me as a pawn to hurt each other. I used the divide in parental authority to hide in my room and play video games; anytime I was outside my room I wore headphones and listened to music. I was very isolated.
All I could feel was anger. When I wasn't mad I just didn't feel anything at all. I feel so badly for my friends who had to deal with me being so angry and arrogant about everything. I am surprised that they still chose to be my friends through that first year of the divorce, though we never talked much.
HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM
I feel, for lack of a better word, socially handicapped. I struggle to empathize or show compassion with strangers or friends. My instinctual lack of trust makes it hard to foster real empathy and I become so frustrated with myself.
I think an especially broken area of my life is dating. Everything feels like it’s life or death. When a relationship is just starting I am gripped with fear that nothing is going to work out and I will get my heart broken. The fear leads me to become despondent and I am unable to care about the woman I am going out with. In long-term relationships, I am always afraid that the end is right around the other corner and that has a suffocating effect on the relationship.
It’s not all doom and gloom though! I have experienced real healing from my relationships. The divorce has been debilitating and I wouldn't wish anyone go through this, but it isn't a "Game Over". You can be happy, you can be loving, you can be loved, it just comes slowly.
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
There must always be the hope that YOU can still love and be loved. YOU must make that the core of your being because, sadly, you're parents aren't capable of giving you that anymore. Don't despair, and try to find a way to love and care for yourself and for others (it doesn't have to be a big thing, and keep yourself safe).
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES
We need to have a way to share in family life. I have lost so much and now I struggle greatly with believing in the family. I want to learn how to interact in loving ways, how to be a good dad and a loving husband but all I have is books and podcasts. Sharing time in the midst of whole families has been so healing, I wish there was a way more young people could experience this.
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