If I Could Write a Love Song

4 minute read.

When I was seven or eight, I had an altercation with my BFF and decided to write a song to her explaining how I felt. You know, as one does.

It didn’t end well. Unlike Mozart or Lil Romeo I was not a young musical genius and so my music writing efforts didn’t result in much.

However, I’ve always enjoyed music and loved expressing myself that way. I played violin through college and have always loved listening to music too. It doesn’t take more than a few minutes of listening to the radio to realize that one topic seems to be on most people’s hearts and minds: love.

Whether they are angry, sad, or incredibly sappy about it, love seems to be the main focus for most lyricists. Love is a huge part of our lives, so it makes sense to write about it often. And most of the general public can relate to the sentiments expressed in the different genres that talk about heartbreak, complete bliss, and everything in between.

However, one thing I don’t seem to hear as much of is a more down-to-earth, gritty-but-accurate, realistic view of love. Love that isn’t just beginning or ending, but rather love that has matured past the rainbows and butterflies but that also hasn’t ended disastrously.

The truth is that most of us spend the majority of our lives in this place, neither completely elated nor totally devastated but somewhere in between. Because love normally isn’t really as dramatic as the songs we listen to would have us believe.

Having been married only a few months, I don’t know too much about love. But I can say that what I have learned isn’t something I have ever heard in a love song. So if I could, I would write one with the insights I wish I had known earlier. I can’t because it would be terrible. But if I could, here are some things I would want to say:

Love doesn’t feel good.

Okay, sometimes it does. Sometimes you’re smiling and laughing and feeling warm and fuzzy. But a lot of times it’s a lot less like The Notebook and a lot more like a documentary that’s a little too real or even slightly boring. Loving someone isn’t just a feeling, it’s a choice that you make over and over…even when it’s hard.

There are times when you’re both really tired and just sitting there next to each other has to be enough. There are times where you go out with their work friends and feel a little awkward and left out. There are times where you disagree on sensitive topics or even really little things that nevertheless get to you. There are times where the person will disappoint you; whether it’s something they did now or yesterday or when they were in college…none of those times feel good. But the good news is that love isn’t a feeling. This is good because when these discomforts arise – which they will because we’re HUMAN and not a Hollywood film – we can still choose the other person.

Love takes work.

Falling in love is just the beginning. A lot of divorces happen because people stop ‘feeling it.’ They slowly move further and further apart as they get caught up in other priorities (work, children, etc.) and neglect their relationship. Regular date nights, reconnecting daily, playing together, sharing in each other’s interests…these are all necessary to maintain a healthy and loving relationship with your significant other.

Also, things like keeping a journal of the fun times you’ve had together or a photo album are helpful. I think it’s easy to get comfortable with the ones we love and then complain when the ‘spark’ is gone. Fortunately, the ‘spark’ is something we can work on. It just takes…work. Love needs to be nurtured and protected, not taken for granted.

Love is healing.

We all have wounds from loved ones. Whether it’s our imperfect parents, previous romantic relationships, or some traumatic event, we have hurt that stays with us. Love is healing. In healthy and loving relationships we re-learn (or un-learn falsehoods) about what it means to love and be loved.

Today a big movement out there is telling us to be independent; as counter-cultural as it may seem, I’m saying you’re not and never have been. We’re born reliant on others and though we may learn to provide for ourselves, love is something we can only learn in relation to others. That doesn’t mean it has to be a romantic relationship; we can learn this from family or friends as well, but it does mean we need others. To trust and be trusted, to give and receive, to be vulnerable, to be intimate…these are only things we can learn outside ourselves, regardless of our ability to support ourselves.

Love demands sacrifice.

It just does. Loving someone requires time and energy and effort. You can’t continue to live your life exactly how you want. You begin to take the other person into consideration and think about how your decisions affect them. You think about what makes them happy instead of only what pleases you. You eventually begin to put the other person before you…that is what love does, it makes you selfless.

We’re born inherently selfish (did you as an infant ever think about whether it was convenient for your mom to feed you or not?) out of necessity. Our goal as we grow up is to unlearn that. Loving another person is a wonderful wake-up call that can sometimes feel like a slap in the face. We’re no longer just looking out for ourselves and it’s painful. Every instinct tells us to focus on self-preservation, meanwhile, we know that we don’t have room for selfishness in relationships. Love is ultimately gift of self, a sacrifice.

So there you go. It’s not glamorous or catchy, but in my opinion, these are things that are important to know. Why these types of songs aren’t being written, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because as a culture we’ve lost sight of what love really looks like. How can we write (or sing) about something we’re not familiar with? Love is hard, and we don’t want that. We’re looking for the easy way out and coming up empty; empty hearts and empty playlists. But we’re missing out, because love is wonderful and absolutely worth fighting for…maybe if someone would come out with a song that said so we would realize that.

This article was written by Restored team member, Miranda Henkel. It has been reposted with permission. It originally appeared on her blog, First Class Act.