I Felt Afraid of Not Being Able to Control My Emotions
5-minute read.
This story was written by Danielle Beatty at 31 years old. Her parents divorced when he was 6 months old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
her STORY
I was six months old when my mom and dad separated and a year old when they divorced. I don't remember what happened, but through family members and asking questions, I've learned their marriage had problems long before I came into their lives. I went back and forth between the two of them until I was three years old and have a few memories from that time. It came to light that my dad had an affair during the time he and my mom were married. From that affair, he fathered my half-brother who is a couple of months younger than me. Shortly after that, my dad decided to stop visitation and remained out of my life until I was seventeen.
HOW THE brokeness MADE hER FEEL
I felt out of control and scared. I don't think I could've told you that when I was younger let alone while it was happening. Yet, I knew something was wrong. My dad stopping visitation really hurt me. I wondered why he left and if it had been my fault. I remember crying a lot and feeling very sensitive to things around me growing up. As a preschooler, I drew pictures of my family that included my dad, stepmom, half-brother, and stepsister. I thought of them as family. They were until my dad stopped seeing me. My mom remarried when I was five and I remember her telling me that my stepdad was now my dad. I felt confused. Is this how families are made? Can you just decide you don’t like one, leave and start another? I didn’t ask questions because I felt scared. I just thought I guess that's how these things work. People can get new families. I stopped asking questions about my dad, half-brother, stepmom, and stepsister, despite continuing to regularly see my grandparents from my dad’s side. Even though I was part of a new family, I felt confused, separated, and disconnected from my family. As a kid, I remember not acting out because I didn't want to do anything that would make my mom leave too, so I followed the rules but felt very afraid most of my childhood.
HOW THE brokenness IMPACTED her
I wrestled with a deep sense of rejection. I lived with the lie that I was the one to blame. That it was my fault my parents divorced. Consequently, I internalized my pain from my parent's divorce, keeping it all inside and trying to figure it out on my own thinking more information would make it all better. When my mom and stepdad separated and later divorced my senior year of high school, I didn't tell any of my friends that they were separated. I should know how to handle this, I thought. Not sharing what I was going through with anyone left me isolated, lonely, and suffocated by shame. My mom set me up with counseling, but despite going weekly for about a year, I chose not to talk about what was happening at home. Rather, I said what I thought I needed to say just to get out of there. I gave myself no freedom to process it because I felt so scared of being rejected, scared that what I said would get back to my mom and she would leave or not love me and I felt afraid of not being able to control my emotions if I started expressing them. I didn’t want someone else I loved to leave too. If I misbehaved, maybe they would. I thought I had to act a certain way and told myself it was safer to keep everyone at a distance because, in some way shape, or form, this was my fault. I caused this destruction. What a lie! I threw myself into school studies and extracurricular activities. Any kind of stress I could get a hold of to help drown out the chaos inside I took.
When I was in college, I got connected with a church. Through that church, I joined a bible study, where one of the women spoke into my life. She let me know that the things I was believing about being destructive, at fault, and rejected didn't sound like how Jesus sees me and were lies from the enemy. Through a faith community, counseling, and inner healing prayer, I am relearning how to live in my own skin, embracing my identity as a child of Christ, feeling the Father’s love for me, and learning how to accept my story. It is not my fault what happened between my parents. It hurt me and mattered, yes. Yet, it is not the end of my story. There is hope. There is freedom. There is life after this death.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
Breathe and feel. Just like waves in the ocean, your feelings will rise and fall. Ride them but don't let them take you under. They are taking you to a new place and if you are a Christian, invite Jesus into that place. He will clarify what He is doing in that space with you, all you have to do is ask.
While not everyone needs to know what's going on in your inner world (like your social media followers), you do need to let a few trusted people into that part of your world. I have two friends who walked with me through that season who are still in my life to this day. They gave me permission to let it all out, which sometimes looked like sitting in a room in silence with me because I felt frozen by not knowing how to start unraveling the chaos I felt inside. Give yourself space to be free to speak about it. For me when I didn't have that outlet, the words, thoughts, and feelings crept out of me into other relationships and those relationships left me feeling vulnerable (not in a good way), awkward, and more lonely. I don't wish that on anyone. So, I recommend giving yourself space to feel and letting a few trusted people outside of your family into that place too.
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