I Built Walls Around Myself
4 minute read
This story was written by Ashlyn at 27 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 24 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
Over the past year, since writing my first story for the Restored blog, I have been forced to come to terms with the fact that my parents' marriage really is over. When the divorce happened—I knew it happened—but there was still a part of me that had a minor ounce of hope that maybe, somehow God would repair their marriage and renew my family. But it didn't quite happen that way.
My father recently got remarried, and now my mother is engaged to be married later this year. Watching your parents fall in love with other people comes with a great deal of mixed emotions. On one hand, I do desire my parents to be happy, on the other hand, I feel angry and betrayed.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
I remember when my parents first got divorced, I spent hours in the Adoration chapel at Church begging God to heal my family. Asking for basically an impossible miracle. I didn't realize that I have still been praying this prayer for the past 3 years since the divorce.
When my dad got remarried, it finally hit me like a ton of bricks that this prayer had not been answered in the way I desired. I grew angry at God. The anger I had towards my parents shifted towards God. Over the past 6 months, since my dad got remarried, I've sat in church unsure of the relationship I have with God because of this anger.
I have told God that I am angry and I have told God that He betrayed me; that He didn't answer my prayers. With all this being said, I did have a moment of realization: for the past 3 years, instead of doing the work and taking the time to heal, I've been spending so much of my energy being angry. It is time for me to start healing.
HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER
I built walls around myself. They are walls that were built by immense anger and feelings of betrayal. I hate talking about my family as I feel shame and embarrassment. There is also a level of justification I feel like I have to provide about my family. But like I said, I realized I had spent so much time and energy building walls out of anger that I wasn't spending any time focusing on any real healing.
Recently, I started seeing a new counselor and I am learning how to put up boundaries with my parents. I did not go to my dad's wedding because I wasn't ready and I couldn't bring myself to witness a new marriage. My dad's new relationship has hurt me and I couldn't be in support of something that has hurt me. I also am more honest about my feelings, and I speak more freely about my parents’ divorce because sharing my story has helped me find healing.
I am also rebuilding my relationship with Christ. I realized He isn't the one who made the decision for my parents. I realized that God is still working and does still keep His promises even if they look different than what I would expect. God is not done yet. He is healing me and I do believe He will heal my family and I will see new unity someday in my family.
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
The best advice I would share with someone whose parents are divorced is to seek counseling as soon as possible. Do not put your healing on the back burner. If you do, you will build walls as I did. Create boundaries and be honest with where you are at with processing the divorce and healing.
It is perfectly okay to decline meeting your parents' new partners. It is okay to not attend family events for a bit if it will hurt you. You need to focus on your healing, not keeping your parents happy. Seek Christ, even when it is so hard and even if you are angry.
The cool thing about Jesus Christ is He already took our own wounds upon Himself by dying on the cross. He can handle us being angry at Him and telling Him so. In fact, tell Him how you feel because He will listen and He will answer your prayers. He will work in your life and you will receive His grace and see the fruits of His work in ways you never imagine.
The final piece of advice I would suggest is to find a community of other adults who have had similar experiences as you've had with all of this. Through Restored, I have made friends with whom I can share my struggles, and who share their struggles with me. We can share things with one another without feeling ashamed because we have both lived through it and understand.
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES
I think so many people who have divorced parents feel a level of shame, especially if they come from strong Catholic or Christian communities who teach that divorce is wrong. I think each parish or diocese should have a ministry or support group for teens and/or adults who are maybe struggling with their parents’ divorce.
I think divorce is often a "taboo" subject and that is why many of us struggle to find a place within the church because somehow we feel guilty even though we were not the ones who made the decision to divorce. I think also encouraging married couples that it’s okay to receive marriage counseling even if they aren't having particularly large struggles in their marriage.
Marriage counseling should be encouraged in all phases and areas of marriage so that we can break the generational habit of getting divorced. Divorce does not have to be a family trend and we should be teaching engaged and young married couples skills to prevent their marriages from heading in that direction early on so when they do face big challenges, they are able to overcome them without getting divorced.
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