All Children of Divorce Deserve a Voice
4 minute read
This story was written by Janelle Peregoy at 38 years old. Her parents separated when she was 6 years and divorced when she was 7. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
Even now, I am uncertain as to what was the final "catalyst" for what finally caused my mom to leave my dad. She had separated from him a couple of different times in their 14-year marriage.
My father's emotional maturity/intimacy is, in my opinion, deeply stunted. He has always equated his role in marriage and/or parenting with monetary value. As long as he was paying bills, he was doing his "job" well.
The most telling story is that my dad nearly missed my brother's birth because he was at a Stanford football game and hadn't wanted to change his plans. My mom later confided in me that she was already functioning as a single parent in the relationship; why not make it official?
My mom, brother, and I moved in with my maternal grandparents after my parents separated. We were so fortunate to have them and they really provided a sense of stability for all of us.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
I don't have a lot of memory of the first years after the divorce. Growing into adolescence was challenging; I share a lot of mannerisms and patterns of speech with my mom.
My dad focused a lot of anger towards me, whom he perceived to be my mom's representative. My relationship with my dad is better as an adult, but all the anger and negativity toward my mom and I during those years didn't accomplish "turning us to his side." It had the opposite effect of just alienating us from him for a long time. I certainly understood why my mom felt she had to leave the marriage.
HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER
When I consider my parents’ divorce, a lot of the longer-term impact involved my dating life. Even though I wanted to date, part of me was so terrified of getting into a relationship similar to my parents' marriage.
I mostly avoided the romantic realm until my 20's. Later, I got into a relationship with a guy who had a series of traumas and mental health concerns. I liked him because he was seemingly the opposite of my dad: very emotionally available.
I reverted to a caretaker role, not unlike the one that many children of divorce feel forced into during their childhood. Thankfully, I was able to see the inequities in that relationship and end it. My husband and I have been married six years; he's truly my guiding light.
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
Easier said than done, but it is critical for children of divorce to learn how to self-advocate. For a 7-year-old, this may look like having the courage for both parents to attend his/her birthday party without fighting. For a teen or young adult, that may be the insistence on not having to attend multiple Christmases at each of your parents' families.
Everything in one's parents' divorce is being "done to" the child, teenager, or young adult. All children of divorce deserve to regain their voices.
All divorcing parents need to take a back seat and learn how to listen to how their decision affects their children's lives.
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES
Going along with what I said above, all young adults and teens need to have access to counselors, teachers, coaches, or trusted adults outside their parents, who can successfully model that self-advocacy.
Teens and young adults need to lean into their friends! This may initially sound obvious but our society doesn't give enough credence to the power of friendships to shape our attitudes and capacity for resilience. We all need spaces where we can be vulnerable and laugh at ourselves. For a child of divorce, that safe space may not be family and therefore they should be finding that safe space in the relationships where it is possible.
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