#076: The #1 Thing Missing in Marriages Today | Matt & Mindy Dalton
Marriage isn’t easy. There are good times and challenging times. According to research, people like us from broken families typically struggle more in relationships and marriage. As a result, we’re more likely to need help.
In this episode, a couple that offers marriage coaching offers advice and shares the one thing missing most in marriages today. We also discuss:
The most common struggles faced by the couples they coach
Communication tips to help your relationship survive and thrive
Tactics for handling conflict well
Advice to couples in crisis, even on the brink of divorce
A resource to help your marriage or another marriage that’s struggling
Get the Free Guide: 7 Tips to Build a Thriving and Divorce-Proof Marriage
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Matt & Mindy Dalton
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Marriage is not easy. There's good times. And there's challenging times. And for people like us who come from broken families, we typically struggle more in relationships and in marriage compared to other areas of our lives and even other people, according to research. And as a result, we're little more likely to need help, but sadly, we don't often ask for it in this episode, a couple that offers marriage coaching, joins the show to offer advice and talk about the one thing missing most in marriages.
We also discuss the most common struggles faced by the couples that they coach. They offer communication tips to help your relationship survive. And. We talk about tactics for handling conflict. Well, they share advice to couples in crisis, perhaps even on the brink of divorce. And then you'll learn about a resource to help your marriage or maybe another marriage, you know, that's struggling.
So if that's you, if your marriage is struggling or maybe, you know, someone whose marriage is struggling, keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 70. If you want practical tips on how to build a great marriage, we have a free guide for you.
We all desire, love that lasts, but if we're honest, most of us don't know how to go about building it and to make matters worse. We're often discouraged by the prevalence of divorce and we fear that our own marriages. We'll end that way, especially if we saw our parents' marriage end that way in this practical guide for singles and for couples, we offer a roadmap for love, a simple roadmap for love based on research time, tell a couples and Christianity's wisdom.
The guide contains seven practical tips to build a thriving and divorce proof marriage. And in addition to the written guide, you'll receive a free 60 minute talk on the same topic. So if you want the guide, just go to ReSTOR ministry.com/marriage. Again, ReSTOR ministry. Dot com slash marriage ministry.
Singular. Just enter your name and your email, and we'll email you the PDF guide and the talk again, go to ReSTOR ministry.com/marriage. Or just click on the link in the show notes. My guests today are Matt and Mindy Dalton. They're the co-founders of marriage missionaries, which they've ran full time for the past 15 years.
Once Matt and Mindy placed God at the center of their marriage and the primary source of their love. It ignited a burning desire and passion to share God's glorious design with others. They do this through a process called marriage coaching, a mentoring friendship, one couple to another. Their mission is striving to live.
Their ordinary marriage made extraordinary by the companionship of Jesus and inviting others to do the same. They've paired on various TV shows on E WTN, and they currently serve Archbishop Aquila in the archdiocese of Denver, uh, teaching future deacons in their wives, in the diaconate formation program in the archdiocese of.
They've been married 31 years and our parents to seven children ages 28 to 12 and have six grandchildren as you're here in the show, they are Catholic Christians. So they talk from that worldview. If you're not religious, I'm really glad that you're here. My challenge for you is this, just listen with an open mind.
I know you're gonna benefit from this, even if you take out or skip the God parts. So here's my conversation with Matt and Mindy.
Matt, Mindy. Thank you so much for making time to be here with us today. You are welcome, Joey. Thank you for having. Absolutely. I I'd love to hear more of your story. Uh, how did you guys meet, get married and end up here today? Well, there's a long version to that. We're gonna try to shorten it, Joey, but we actually met, uh, 33, 34 years ago, kind of a, a way that a lot of people met back then, uh, in a bar, in a nightclub.
And the first night actually we saw each other from across the room and I'm six one and Matt's six, five. And I was like, oh, Hey, there's somebody taller than me. And so we, we kinda, I, but never, he never approached me at that point because I was with my parents. Friend's friend, son who had just met it.
Wasn't a date, but it maybe to Matt look like a date. So when we were leaving, Matt quickly asked the, uh, waitress, Hey, Hey, can I have a napkin and a pin? And he wrote down. Name and his phone number on this napkin and tried putting it in my hand. Optimum word tried. She didn't take it. I did not take it.
nine months later at a kind of Friday after work, you know, go have some appetizers type environment. I'm with some girlfriends from work. And Matt walks around kind of the corner at another bar. And he says that I had got an aisle and kind of did this dance, blocking him from leaving. And I'm like, Hey. I remember you, you're the guy that tried giving me your phone number.
And I guess he turned to his friend and said, keep walking, just keep walking. I'm glad I didn't Joey, we . So that is how we initially met and got to know one another and started going on dates for two years, we got engaged. Well, we did get married in the Catholic church. Both of us grew up cradle Catholic.
And the wedding for us. I mean, to be completely honest, we were Catholic and we went through our marriage prep that the church required, but we were just kind of going through the motions. It was more about the wedding day, the, you know, the dresses, the music, uh, where were we going on our honeymoon. And, uh, so I'll take it from there just as, how do we get here?
We had three incidences and. Again long, but I'm just gonna make short of them. Number one, my sister and her husband, 10 years into their marriage had a train wreck in their marriage. And they were on your show previously, Julie and Greg Alexander. They taught us everything we know, but Greg, my brother-in-law called me and said, your sister is this, that, and all these other things.
And I said, Hey, that's my sister. You're talking. and second of all, I said, well, I knew it took both of you to get to this place. And then third, sadly, I didn't know what to say to them in this desperate moment. So that was the first incident. And when we stepped back and look at our own marriage, we were on the same track, just a slower train because God wasn't central.
And so that was the first incident. The second incident, I found my boss, who I worked for. Dead in October of 1989. And I, he was married for 22 years, had a no fault divorce of two months. And his ex-wife called me two weeks after I had quit. She didn't know I quit. And she said, Hey, those answering services called and there's 150 phone calls.
Where are you? Long story short, we went over and found him and he had been dead for two a day short of two weeks when I found him. And I looked at that he had everything money to buy and he laid dead for two weeks, without anybody knowing he didn't take his own life. He died of a broken heart as, as I call it.
And I it's an experience. I wouldn't live relive for a million dollars and I wouldn't give it up. It really made me say, what is the meaning of life and love. And then thirdly, we. The writings of PO John Paul II in his theological work of love and responsibility, and then more so his actually his philosophical work and love and responsibility in his theological work in, uh, theology of the body.
And it just helped. Us understand the whys of God's plan for marriage. It, it was as though we'd been driving around, you know, with our dirty windshield and we sprayed it and it was like, oh right. And it was like, okay, the pits and the marks were still there, but we saw more clearly and. Initially we wanted to like, you know, like, oh my gosh, we, we have to share this with others and we couldn't help to share it.
Yeah. We couldn't help it. So how, how can we do this and how can we do it together? So we became certified natural family planning teachers and, and did it that way through the marriage prep. Process. And we did that for five years on a volunteer basis. And in that time, Greg and Julie had started the Alexander House and kept asking us for years, when are you gonna join us?
When are you gonna join us? And six kids for us at the time now seven, you know, were thinking, oh wow, full-time missionary work. You know, God had a, a plan and we ended up joining them. 2007. Yeah. And did marriage coaches. We were always in Colorado, they were in Texas, got trained to become marriage coaches by then, by then we presented workshops, Dave talks and slowly built up what we call our mission partners, people who support us.
And then five years after joining them, we discern and prayed and separated and started our own nonprofit called marriage missionaries. So we've been 15 years full time. Trying to shed some light to married couples. And I, I would say that the catalyst for all of that was our ownership of a relationship with Jesus Christ.
We were just kind of going through the motions and the rituals. It was there in the heart of Julian Greg's train wreck and our own contemplation of our own marriage and where we were coupled. Discovering the glorious beautiful reasons why God has shared his life with us. And we opened our hearts for the first time and really took ownership of our Christian walk.
So. Wow, what a story. So beautiful. And thank you both for, for sharing it. And I'm sure we could talk just about your story for the entire show for anyone listening. If you want to go back and listen to Greg and Julie's episode, that's episode 30 great interview, and I really admire the work that you all are doing both Greg and Julie and you, um, Matt and Mindy.
So thank you guys so much. I want to get into that work a little bit. If, if you don't mind. I know you, like you said, you coach marriages, you coach couples. I assume it's primarily couples who are struggling. Uh, perhaps not please correct me on that, but I'm curious for the couples that you do, coach, what are some of the most common struggles that they face?
First of all, Joey, I don't know about you and Bridget, but we all struggle. Every single marriage struggles. I, I don't know if you know of a perfect marriage. Everybody says. Marrying Joseph, but I think that's one piece of the battle that if we all realize that everybody is struggling, maybe with varying topics into varying degrees, but the human nature is, is that we're gonna struggle.
We're we're gonna have, uh, and that, and it, and that it's normal that we go through these moments of this is kind of hard. This is difficult. And, and I think, you know, one of the. We see in marriage coaching and people, maybe, you know, we go to mass or we go to the children's sporting event. We go, wow. Look at Bob and Mary and Joe and Susie look, oh my gosh.
They're family. They're just perfect. What's wrong with us? When in reality, if we, you know, a family that we don't think has troubles as a family, we don't know very well. And I think it's that comparison that can happen. And we think, well, is this really what we signed up for? And it's kind of a false comparison that leads to isolation.
We're alone. We're the only ones struggling. Why does everybody. Not have this or that. When in reality, we don't know. And if we talk to each other long enough and we're humble enough to admit it, we all have. Our struggles, but let me go back, Joey, even to kind of focus, to hone in on what you asked. Hmm. A lot of couples, when they fill out our intake forms, they'll put communication, communication, communication.
And what we've discovered over our years of marriage and dealing with working with couples is yes, we have communication struggles and breakdowns in our communication. But the root of that for the most part is a hardened heart. Little by little, we end up with in this place where. We haven't addressed the hurt and pain.
We haven't asked for forgiveness, we're building this wall around our hearts. And so I'm guarding my heart and our communication is not going to be as fruitful. And I would say to dovetail with that, you know, based on all of our struggles in every married couple struggles, the perfect marriage. This is the formula for a perfect marriage is two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
But I would also say that when we recognize those struggles and acknowledge, Hey, this is normal. Other couples struggle too. All other couples struggle, too. The problem comes in is when we persist in those struggles, that's what puts our marriages at risk. So we, a lot of that isolation people not, we just stay, we just stay in the yuck.
Yeah. And we think that that's a theological turn by the way. Yuck. Yuck. . Yes.
So, so I think it's that we're, we're afraid to maybe, and I think this is a male female thing. Most of the calls that we get are from females that, that want their marriage to not just survive, but to thrive. Like you mentioned, in your opening and, and us men, you know, we do, we do anything. Halfheartedly, do we have our career and be halfhearted about it?
Or do we strive to do something that really is a desire of ours halfheartedly? No, we don't. We, we are intentional about it and I think that's the message that we'd like to send out there. It's it's okay to struggle, but it's not okay to stay in the struggle. So good. No, I, I appreciate you giving us some insight.
The couples that reach out to you on that note, mind, you mentioned, um, the hard and heart being at the core at the root of a lot of these struggles, Matt, when you and I talked, um, before you mentioned that you, you know, learned so much from Pope John Paul, the second about love and marriage, just like you said, moments ago.
Um, but in that conversation you said something profound about. What he taught was the one thing that's missing in most marriages today. Um, and that dovetails really nicely on what you just said, Mindy. So, Matt, I was wondering if you would, uh, talk about that mind thing. One of the most common things that he felt was missing was tenderness.
And, you know, I think we get married and we say the ideas and we just expect it to take care of itself. What we like to do is say, Hey, picture being on the altar and Matt, I'm gonna give my heart to Mindy and Mindy's gonna give her heart to me. And I'm holding my two hands together and I hold her heart.
And I'm now a steward of her heart. And I want to get to know her heart even more than I think I know her on that wedding day. So that my interior gaze can be one of nurturing and feeling the slightest tremor tremor. Is that the word you? Yeah, that's a good word of her heart and be attuned to it, but that we can communicate and generally we know, but do we ignore it or do we get defensive about it?
or do we really press in and freely share our hearts totally and faithfully. And if we do that on a consistent basis, the good, bad, and the ugly, it, it puts us in a mode of receptivity receiving where the other person is coming from. And little by little, the tenderness begins to develop. That's the fruit of that free total faithful sharing of our hearts on a consistent basis.
and then it it's proof that that God exists because if Mindy's hurting, I'm hurting. If I'm hurting, she hurts. We all are part of the body. If we hurt our children are hurting. And if our family hurts, so does yours. And so that tenderness is really entering into the other person's world in an intimate way.
And that, that, that takes time. You know, we come sometimes. Wounds in our hearts. Well, and I think too, we may have started with a lot of tenderness and love and being generous with our heart. And maybe that was more sentimental. Yeah. And, but then life happens and mortgage and jobs and children, and we slowly, this kind of aren't as intentional with our connections and sharing our hearts with one another.
Yep. And then life gets in the. Absolutely that make sense. Yeah, absolutely. And no, you made me think about, you know, Mindy, what you just said about how it can start that way. And, and that's a good point, Matt, that it may be not necessarily genuine tenderness, but some mentality. Um, but it might look like tenderness, but, but I've noticed that too, you know, I've, at this point I've been married four years and there's certainly that tendency to harden your heart and not to have that tenderness to the point where.
It almost becomes foreign. It becomes uncomfortable. It becomes kind of odd to, you know, sit around with your spouse and share something like intimate or vulnerable. Right. I mean, I, I think when we do practice, we like to, you know, one of the main foundational pieces, it's practicing forgiveness in our marriage.
and that brings about a vulnerability because it's humbling to acknowledge Mindy. What have you done or failed to do? That's caused hurt and pain, maybe just in this one argument or disagreement, maybe it's I stopped sharing my heart and I'm kind of stepping it. So that vulner being vulnerable with one another.
Yeah, it's a, it's a process, but if we've persisted in that place of our hearts being hardened and we haven't addressed. We have found over the years that couples resist the forgiveness exercise, because it does almost force them to be vulnerable. And sometimes the wounds are deep and that we find, we have found that they run from that rather than embrace it because the, the human heart is so stink and delicate.
And we forget that. In the midst of life and responsibility and, and woundedness. That we bring, you know, another thing this just popped into my mind, I think it connects is we like to have couples tell us, you know, not only how they met, but then what attracted you to each other? What was it that brought you two together?
What God has joined going to that positive piece of their love. And, you know, obviously you. You were attracted so much that one, you know, you propose will you marry me and, and, uh, having them go back as a reminder, retracing, you know, our love, their origin. Yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful. And that sounds super helpful.
Getting them back to that, to that route, cuz yeah, you're right. It so often we can just drift so far from, um, that origin from why we found love, why we chose to, to love each other, to get married and, and so on. I wanna quickly touch on a myth that you guys just, um, hit on briefly. Um, but if you would talk about it a little bit more, that would be great.
And it's this idea that. If you marry the right person, marriage should be effortless. Uh, I've certainly seen this. It's maybe more of a subconscious myth or expectation that we have, you know, thinking that well. And, and I think part of the expectation here is formed by movies. Uh, we see. Know, these romances play out on the screen and we almost form this romantic idolized expectation that our, you know, love would be so effortless and so beautiful.
Just like what we see on the screen, which of course isn't real. So, uh, yeah. I wonder if you could talk to that, like why, why is that such a myth? Uh, yeah. Why, why would that you use the word idolize? So marriage is supposed to be an icon of God's love for the church. It's supposed to be a sign, the visible sign in the world of Christ's love for his church.
No greater love than to lay down one's life. And oftentimes when we get that idealistic idea, Hollywood hallmark kind of feeling about marriage and idealize it, the icon that it's supposed to be, that points us. It's supposed to point us back to God. Our marriages, but oftentimes we think, or we get lulled into it.
It's just gonna take care of itself. And it becomes an, an idol rather than the icon it's supposed to be. And I think that's becomes dis illusional. I, I think, you know, just the general spirituality of us, even individually as Ignatius of Loyola would say. In the spiritual realm. We're never, there's only two directions.
We're either gaining or losing. There's no, like, you know, oh, Hey, can we just stay here for a while? Yes. We'd like to, but things happen in our lives. Kids grow up and it's not a matter of if a storm is gonna come, it's a matter of when and how do we handle that as a couple? And so. We can easily turn the icon.
That marriage is supposed to point us to back to God and forward to our, our end with I unity with God forever. And then we all of a sudden, if I think that or better yet, if Mindy thinks that I'm gonna fulfill her deepest, longing and her deepest desire, I think she's setting us up for failure because. I can't ultimately fulfill her deepest, longing and her deepest desire.
And so that's what being a help mate. We're, we're constantly helping each other to grow towards God and keeping our eye on the prize as a couple. When, when you, when we, when we, we were blessed because jointly. That's how John Paul two's writings and stuff came to us. It came to us at the same time and it hit us simultaneously.
And it was so beautiful to grow in that together. It can be difficult when one catches fire and the other one doesn't those who have been given much, much will be expected. You. No, I, I appreciate that. And, um, it, it makes so much sense how, you know, we can be greatly disappointed. I've noticed that in my own marriage and I've read John Paul the second as well, and like have gained so much from him, just like you guys expressed.
And, um, one of the things yeah, I learned is that you're yeah, like you said, Matt, you're setting yourself up for failure. If you expect your spouse to make you perfectly happy, but I do believe. That underneath almost every divorce is this belief that, you know, consciously or not, we expect our spouse to make us perfectly happy.
And when they don't, we tend to think like, oh, maybe I married the wrong person, or maybe I, you know, pick the wrong vocation. And, and then we might be tempted to, to walk away from, you know, a vow that we made, which is so sad. So, um, no, I, I, I think you're spot on starting is that happiness, you know, happy is fleeting.
Joy is everlasting. And so right. We can all go through times where, yeah. I'm not feeling super happy, but in the long run, it's worth the effort to be generous in our love with one another to persevere for that joy. That's what God intended. That's what he intended. Right. When they tried to trip up Jesus Moses, why, why do you, uh, you know, why do you allow for divorce?
Moses, uh, Jesus Moses said it's okay. Well, Moses said it's okay because of the hardening of your hearts, but in the beginning it was not. So they were naked and felt no shame, not just physically naked, but naked with their hearts, with their interior gaze, with their communication. Mm-hmm , you know, Hey, when you were asking Joey about, you know, marriage and we can set ourselves up.
I think it was Benjamin Franklin, who said, when we are courting and dating, we should have our eyes wide open. And in marriage, once we say I do, our eyes are half closed. I like that because we can be more accepting. This is who we did marry. And, and when we put God at the center of our marriages, That becomes our motivation to grow in holiness, to grow in joy.
Now we have something. Wow. Incredible. I, I love that quote and, uh, I, I think it it's so true and I, you know, it's something that I'm sure you guys will talk about is how helpful it is just to give grace in, in marriage. And I know my wife and I have found that helpful. Um, but I wanted to touch on another struggle that, that I've seen in my marriage and other marriages that I know.
And that is, um, I I've heard it said this. A man's temptation is to be passive and a woman's temptation is to control. And so I'm curious, I'm sure you guys see that play out. How can a man and a woman, how can men and women avoid falling into those temptations? I'm count the men a little bit here. I don't wanna beat it over anybody's head because I wouldn't have responded so well if it was shoved down my throat or beat over my head, but when Mindy and I I'll first tell a story, my own.
When Mindy and I were first married, I knew more about my favorite sports team and every player on the team than I did about my faiths in Jesus and the saints and so forth. And it wasn't so much about the father, son and holy spirit for me as it was me, myself and I, Mindy looked really good. She brought a good job.
It was really sadly. Hard to admit sometimes that it was selfish and it wasn't until I, as man began to own my faith and have an authentic mission. So Ephesians five talks about it starts out husbands and wives, be submissive to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives be submissive to your husbands and husbands love your wives like Christ.
Love the church. Well, I wanna go back to that word. Sub mission sub Missio sub under mission. When my mission was about me, myself and I, it was really difficult from, from a selfish standpoint, from me being so selfish. What was in it for me, it was hard for Mindy to be. With me on that. And it wasn't until I got a godly mission and some of us have to bump our head a little harder.
I did that. I really had a godly mission to love God with my whole heart and my whole strength. And because I couldn't give, if I had a mission about. The Denver bros and John Elway winning the super bowl. That was my mission. And I wore the shirt and the way I put on my shoes affected the way, the outcome of the game.
And if they lost, I was mad the whole week long. And you know, kids don't bother me. I'm I deserve to watch this game. I worked hard all week. That was kind of my mentality, but until I had a godly mission and it , it, we, we, I was challenged to go make a prayer hour. At a sacrificial time. when I heard that in church, I knew exactly what time I was supposed to go two o'clock on Sundays because that's what time the Bronco game started.
And that was my fault. God, that was my escape, sadly. And, and, and to be honest, you know, Matt telling that story, I'm thinking back, I, I don't know if I could. Stated it, in those words at the time, like, you know, oh, I just wish he'd get a godly mission and maybe be easier. But I know looking back, and now all the years of working with other couples, that that is a theme we hear from women a lot that they desire their husbands to kind of take ownership, take lead if you will.
And I think what can happen, maybe, maybe you could call that they become passive. and maybe not so much control, but the woman will just instinctively kind of take over. Okay, well, I'm gonna, uh, read some Saint stories to the children or, or whatever it might be. And so then there's kind of this dynamic of, she seems controlling and he seems passive when really, I think they both desire if we both desire the.
It was just not being able to articulate it. I guess our articulation was more like, Hey, I go to work every day and I provide, and there's food in the pantry and we're educating the kids. What else do you need from me was kind of my, yeah. And as we know, deeper depth to love and married love. And so once I had a shift in my own interior, Life and my interior gaze that Mindy was a gift sent to me to make me a better man.
I, I kind of lived out of fear too. Could I provide, could I. Be a good husband. Couldn't I be a good father of this growing family and that, and that we called to be each other's helpmate. Yes. Right. And were you, were we're a new creation? The two become one. Oh my gosh. Ah, you know, we are our children's marriage pro.
Oh my gosh. When I heard that statement, the first time I thought, oh wow, take that prayer for a while. And it gets a little interesting. Right. But then I realized that Mindy's disappointment. She wasn't against me, but that she was for me. And that helped me get through the fears of being the spiritual head of the house and busting more in God's Providence and being generous with my own heart.
And kind of allowing you to take that leave. Like we would talk about, Hey, on Sunday afternoons, let's start discussing this topic with the children or whatever it might be or. Put in this video series, whatever it was at the theology of the body for teen, I would think of a great idea. And then if he maybe forgot or we'd come up with the plan, I wouldn't be, I can't believe you didn't remember, you know, da, da, da, I'd just say, Hey Matt, remember we were gonna gather the kids and, and he's like, oh yeah.
So it was a gentle reminder, not a kind of fulling theory, not keeping track of, or yeah, she already has one mother. Right? Don't need another.
Oh, beautiful. I, I love the reframing of that too. How it might be more of a perception thing that we see the man being passive or the woman being controlling. And I know it certainly can play out in, in reality that way, but yeah, I think that is usually because of. You know, the things that you guys mentioned, and I love that you said Matt, going back to like, what's your greater purpose for life?
Because if you don't have one, all these mediocre superficial things will take that place and will always leave you. Empty unfulfilled. And, you know, we certainly know that's true when we pour our lives into any sort of, um, vice, but it's true. Also when we go after things like sports, again, nothing wrong with sports are good in their proper place, but of course that can't be that the whole meaning of, of life.
So I love that we've seen on the other end of the spectrum. And I, you know, I think sin has caused this sin is an Archer's term to miss the mark. And so Ephesians five and, and the gospel readings and the commentaries, they give us a new perspective or a new target. So it's worth honing our skills so that we can begin to hit those targets, not beat ourselves up over our failures.
And I think that's what the helpmate piece mm-hmm of it is too, but we've also seen men who are particularly religious. and they really love their faith and who really know their faith kind of be on the controlling side, out of a fear of the world. You know, the sky is falling and I gotta protect my family at all costs and we gotta do it my way.
Or, and so sometimes in that controlling environment out of that's kind of lived out of a fearful place. We say, Hey gentlemen, number one, don't miss heaven by 18. You may know, but are you actually putting what you know, into practice that 18 inches between head and heart? And then secondly, we ask them, are you acting more like Herod or are you acting more like Jesus hero is controlling, dominating?
You will do this impeding that freedom, that pillar of freedom and love it's so important. Or are you looking to be a servant leader looking to serve instead of being served? So that that's a challenge that can happen too from the converse side. Yeah, absolutely. And I know, um, Dr. Gary Chapman in the awesome book, the five love languages, he says too, that when there is that.
Controlled or passivity, or we're just missing each other. We're not investing in our marriages. We're not investing in our relationships. We're not, um, loving the other person in the way that they wanna be loved. That makes 'em feel loved. Then marriage can certainly turn into a battleground. I forget the exact quote, but he says something along those lines that marriage can truly turn into a battleground instead of a, a Haven.
And we can see our spouse, not as our helpmate, but as our enemy. And I think that's where the comparison comes in. I think that's where. You know, just the, the whole misunderstanding, misinterpreting people's actions. Um, marriage can, can get pretty messy at, at that point, for sure. Along those lines. And I'm sure feel free to say anything you'd like to add.
I'm curious about communication. You mentioned it before. It's something people wanna hear about. Um, what are some of the communication principles that you teach to the well, we'd take them back to their wedding vows and, you know, have you come here free? To give yourself away completely. Will you remain faithful and will you be open to life?
So free total faithful, fruitful. We like to have them kind of look at their communication through that lens. Are we sharing our hearts freely or are we kind of withholding some things? Does the platform exist that we can share? Our thoughts and feelings, or is it passive aggressive? That would impede freedom.
Yeah, totally. Do we totally share our hearts? Uh, are there topics we kind of, oh, that didn't go so well last time. So I'm not gonna bring that up ever again. And then faithfully, I mean, as a married couple, our communication should be set apart. We become Cnce in one another. Right. And so we have them look at that lens and we always recommend.
15 minutes a day, you know, and some couples, maybe it's starting a week, you know, maybe their hearts are so hardened that, and some couples come and they're not even sure. Well, what do we talk about? And so we'll do this on different retreats that we do. We'll give little prompts or we call 'em dinner prompts because they we'll have, 'em go out to dinner and just discussion points, like share a story from your childhood that your spouse has never.
Like a memorable, what, what was memorable about that? You know, nothing really in depth or just that sharing, not of the to-do list. Who's taken Joseph to soccer, logistics, logistics, you know? Yes. It's important to have what we call business meetings regarding those things, but this is more the intimacy piece and, um, sharing, sharing our thoughts and our feelings and our desires, and really setting aside that time.
That we be consistent. And even if we stop, get back on the horse the next day or two and, and, and retrench or whatever. Yeah. And make sure we do it. Because again, if we consistently share our hearts, our thoughts, feelings, and desires with each other on a consistent basis, it puts us each in a receptive mode.
We we're ready to receive where the other person is coming from. and we're more likely to find our path and a solution and resolve and joy. When we do that, I, I think one thing that we found that's detrimental to communication is the blame game is blaming, pointing the finger. You did this, and you said that versus kind of that interior look okay.
You might think it's 99% Matt's fault, but you know, was it your tone of voice? Was it your body language and taking ownership for that? Hey Matt, you know, will you forgive me for my tone of voice in the discussion we had earlier? And, and then that just kind of, okay, we're not gonna build up this hard and heart and it allows us to communicate freely and totally and faithfully with each other.
So good. I love that framework that that's really helpful. And I think that's so true when it comes to blame. It could be so easy to fall into that. So in the communication, please, that two couples cannot be any, a man and a woman cannot be any closer to any other human being than in the marital embrace.
And so does our words that we speak to each other during the day, during the week, during the month, coincide with our physical coming together in the marital embrace. Have you come here freely to give yourself away? Totally. And will you remain faithful so that it might bear life giving love? So that's what Jesus comes to restore is.
Spiritual communication with the physical communication. And every time we come together, we learn this and we are just like, oh my gosh, that's glorious. Every time we come together in the marital embrace brace and that ultimate communication as a married couple, it's a renewal of our wedding vows of what we said I do too.
That free total faithful, fruitful lens. Is kind of the new lens that John Paul too has given to married couples. That's that's also mirrored in the way God loves us. God is a perfect gentleman. He would never force himself on us. God love is free. God love is total knowing full well, what we were gonna do to Jesus.
He sent him anyway to be scourged. And stripped crowned with thorns nailed to a cross and killed, and he God's love is free. It's total, it's faithful. He'd sooner pursue the one who has gone as straight. Jesus is the hound from heaven. He pursues us with people and situations so that we turn back to God and the very fruit of that free total faithful love that God has for each.
And every one of us is the desire that all of us have to love and to be loved. I I, can I add, I'm gonna add more of a, kind of a lighter, no, just a lighter. Cause I think in marriage, lightheartedness has kind of been pushed out of the, and being lighthearted, have a sense of humor and being flirtatious.
And, you know, we have our own little way of flirting that our children may not even know we're flirting or little phrases that we say or well, or like , you know, I mean just little, kind of little, little. Because, um, we all had so much fun when we first met and got together, and then we let the Ugh of life kind of weigh us down and, and being lighthearted about some things, because stuff happens and trying to find joy.
And Hey, this is God's will for us in the moment. It's not very fun, but let's, you know, let's try to figure it out the best way we can. Love that. Yeah. And I've, I can certainly see that just the stress of life and responsibilities can take over that fun. So, uh, one thing, uh, my wife and I have gone to marriage counseling and, uh, I think it's a wise tactic.
I'm sure you guys do the same too. Work on the underlying condition of the marriage, the overall health of the marriage. And when you do that, the communication, it probably naturally, um, improves. So I think conflict will be lessened if the marriage is healthier, that's what we've seen in our marriage. Uh, at the same time, conflict is inevitable.
It's gonna happen, but it's worse. I've noticed when the marriage isn't in a good condition. So I am curious, uh, what tools or tactics do you teach to the couples that you coach when it comes to resolving conflict handling conflict ago? I thought, you know, why are we having these disagreements still? Why, why is this happening?
We're fighting. Same thing. And I finally figured it out. It, it was all Matt's fault.
have a splinter in your, or in my eyes. I'm trying to get the splinter outta my email. You got the beam, the introspection, you know, Bishop Fulton sheen said that we all have an interior civil war going on between the higher and the lower self, what we ought to do and what we want to do. and if we don't face that civil war and admit to our own selfishness, then we will selfishly combat other people those around us.
And I think oftentimes, you know, if we come from divorced home or broken home, or maybe a wound. Somebody stole our innocence when we were little or, or what have you, all of the different wounds and brokenness that we can come to if we don't first try to heal those things. And, and sometimes as marriage coaches, both things fall out of our scope.
We're, we're more in the realm of formation. How do we tap into the grace? The super abundant power of God and oftentimes couples, if they have. Extending circumstances, you know, family of origin, deep seated family of origin issues, alcoholism addiction, you know, a lot of times that can be better done with counseling.
And we're not afraid to, to suggest that I think the key with counseling is making sure that you go to a counselor who is pro-marriage and pro family. Your, your exact question was conflict. Yeah. Conflict, but it's owning our own. it's so easy to point the finger and lay the blame, or we can even blame our own heritage.
You know, I'm Irish and I'm short tempered and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, those alibis excuses and rationalizations only thwart God's grace. When I humble myself to say, you know what? My anger did go over the top with the children and Mindy, I saw you and the children melting into the. will you forgive me?
Will you help me become a better husband and a better father, as opposed to, you know, I realized that Mindy's belting in his carpet with the kids, cuz my anger just went over the top and I'm I'm feeling guilty and shameful and, and I say, well, well, those kids wouldn't have told me the amp were crawling into the house.
I wouldn't have to get so mad. I'm sorry. And I go outside and I, I say you handle it. You take care of. I think it's in being humble, admit admitting to our own selfishness and asking and begging God in prayer for selflessness, that we can make a gift of ourselves, even in the heat of the battle that we find our way we've become much easier to live with.
Yeah. no, I love that that posture of humility, I think, is the solution to so many problems. I've certainly see that in, you know, leadership when you're leading people, you know, the really the most important characteristic I believe of a leader is humility. And the same applies, I think, to marriage, to parenting, to, to friendships, really anything it's, it's just the foundation of all the other virtues.
Um, so, so, so that, that makes so much sense. I wish we could talk about this forever. We're coming close to the end of our time together. I wanted to ask you, um, there's a couples, you know, listening right now are people listening right now who are in a crisis marriage. Or maybe someone who knows someone who is curious, what advice would you give to a marriage that's in crisis, perhaps they're considering divorce.
Maybe they're already separated, but things just are really dysfunctional. What advice would you give to them? What's one thing perhaps they can do right now to, to help the situation. And we're talking about marriages that don't have violence or a threat of injury or anything like that. there's statistics that say, and they did a broad study and it was, I can't remember the gal's name, but it's outta of Colorado Springs where they did this large study, that couples a whole bunch of couples that were in crisis mode and on the edge of brink of divorce.
And they did this study and they looked five years into the future. And those that didn't get divorced were far happier, five years after than they were. They were even happier than their counterpart who decided to get divorced. And so oftentimes I think, wow, we have seasons in our marriages that can be the straw that breaks the camels back.
And as individuals are we one light in the midst of their chaos and their confusion in their darkness to say, Hey, did you know, there's a better way? What do you mean? There's a better way it's worth the battle. It's worth the effort. You know, we read a book and it's a great book by Lyla Miller, right?
Mm-hmm, primal loss and it's 40 or 50 stories about people now, adults experience their parents divorce. And I think this analogy is really, really good and I'm paraphrasing it, but it, I think this is one of the best analogies we've ever heard. The family is like an airplane in flight. Obviously an analogy here, the family is like an airplane in flight and we can do lots of things on an airplane.
And in fact, we can even argue and still get to our destination safely divorce. However, is one of the spouses taken in mid-flight the one and only parachute for themselves. Opening up the emergency door and all the while jumping out saying, you'll be fine to leave the plane unable and unsafe to land.
And you think about the damage that our culture has bought into with making it easy for people to get out of their marriages and their covenants and their oath and no fault divorce and all of these other things and kind of a throwaway society. If we can be that beacon, that one light and say, Hey, there's a, there's a, there's a better way.
We were that as, as INEP, as we were at the time, Julian, Greg Alexander had a train wreck. I mean you, their book marriage 9 1 1. Read that book. If they can make it, anybody can make it. And the way they make it is not going all the way to the cross and hugging Jesus. No, it's just simply turning around and saying I'm tired of singing Frank Sinatra.
I did it my way. I'm gonna try God's way. You know, we had a couple recently and, and they put this in our, their, our newsletter, but we kinda asked them to write their little testimony of what, what it was like going through marriage coaching. And, and one fact that she shared that we didn't even know through working with them is that she had an apartment already and she was one foot out the door, pretty much almost out the door.
and one phrase you put in there is co trying counseling or marriage coaching. It's not going, you have everything to lose or nothing to lose, but everything to gain. And so just, I think making that effort, sometimes it's just the phone call, pick up the phone and making that first initial phone call, you know?
Cause here's the, here's the. The fruit or the tragedy and Joey, I'm sure you can understand this, but Joey loves mommy and daddy, but he can't figure out why mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore. And I think it's just our natural tendency when mom and dad decide to divorce. We automatically galvanize our hearts and we say, I'm never gonna live, love that innocently again.
I'm never gonna love that purely again. I'm gonna guard my heart because that hurts so bad. And we don't even realize that we get to that place. And our hearts become impenetrable to God's mercy and his love that he's wanting to abundantly pour out. And so I think walking with other people who have similar circumstances in their own family, and that can encourage and help you navigate the landmines that the world wants to throw at.
In the last book of the old Testament, Malachi, I think it's chapter two, verse 16, God hates divorce. Why does he hate divorce? He doesn't hate the divorce. He just hates divorce because it's a sign of his life and love. And the counter sign is love. Doesn't really exist. And it's the kids who really pay the price down the road with that galvanized heart.
and, and our culture is literally held, bent on the throwaway in saying that the grass is greener when, if we fight and we get people on our side who can empathize and understand and help us to sort things out and find a new way of life it's worth fighting for. It's amazing. It's so inspiring. And I can certainly attest to the fact that divorce is so traumatic for the children, whether they're young or older, it it's such a difficult thing to live through and it makes relationships.
This is what the research says. As I know both of, you know, The biggest area of our life that we struggle with, uh, following our parents, breaking apart is our own relationships because our idea of love and marriage has just been so, so broken and so skewed. And it's, um, we don't know what to do when it becomes our turn and we might even run from it and give up on it all together.
So, so much good stuff. I wish we could talk forever. Um, on that note of people reaching out to a marriage coach, I know a marriage coach is, I know you guys do this. If you would tell us about your ministry, uh, what do you offer. How does it help couples and how could they contact you if they wanna get help?
Yeah. We have a website, uh, marriage, missionaries.org, and the majority of what our work is is marriage coaching. Couple to couple Matt and I do this together. We will, if, if once in a while, uh, Matt actually does meet with a lot of men individually say on the, like, in addition to if they both come, so marriage coaching, we describe it as a mentoring friendship.
What is God's. And then how do we live this out? How, how, you know, God intends it to be joy filled. So how can we live this out between the four walls of our own home? We also not per se that we put together, but other parishes sometimes invite us and, and will do a day or a weekend retreat. Uh, we don't have any kind that I know of.
except we're going to the family camp up there and gonna present to the parents this coming weekend. And what, what phone number do you wanna give? (303) 578-8287 is our phone number. And I, I talk to a lot of people. Oftentimes it's the females, the wives who are calling and I give them some different ideas of how they could not impose or give ultimatums, but rather to propose.
How they could get their husbands to seek this coaching. Sometimes coaching's a little softer approach than counseling as well. Mm-hmm um, and speaking of coaching, right? I mean, I think we'll put so much effort maybe in our own sporting growing up or now our children, you know, we get 'em the extra, you know, private lessons and we got 'em in weight class and we're making sure they eat properly.
And we might do that academically. We got the tutors lined up, but what are we doing for our marriage? Right? What is that continuing nurturing and making better, taking it from good to great or, I mean, or mediocre, we don't do anything mediocre in America. We want everything, you know, or at least we portray on social media that everything's wonderful, but.
I, I don't know. I just think it's, it's worth the, sometimes it's just the initial phone call. Be not afraid. That's what Pope John Paul's Anthem. Yeah, and I love what you said before too. You have nothing to lose. Like if you make a phone call and you don't go through with it, you know, that's okay. I mean, hopefully you will, but, but you could just make the phone call and that's it and focus on that step.
I, I love that advice. I wanna give you guys the last word first. I just wanna say thank you so much for, uh, your time, your expertise. Uh, yeah, you both are just amazing people. Just, I love the work that you're doing. So thank you so much for that. And for I'm sure all the sacrifices you've made to make that a reality and to serve these couples that you coach, I wanna give you the last word.
Um, if there was just one thing, one piece of advice, piece of encouragement that you want people listening right now to take away from this interview. Uh, what, what would that be? We have a really dear friend of ours who his father-in-law taught him this and it just sticks and it's simple. But you can ponder it for a long time because it's difficult to put into practice.
Treat your spouse as though they are a guest in your. Because when a guest is coming, we make sure the sheets are clean. Right. We offer them, what would you like to drink? Help yourself to the refrigerator, make yourself home. Let, let me know what you need. We're just, we bring out the best. So I, I just thought that was beautiful.
That was his father-in-law's marriage advice. Treat your spouse as though they are guests in your home. And Joey, I don't know about you, but if your Mary or Martha and you had the ultimate guest in your home, Jesus, which every human being is made in the image and lightness of how would we treat him something to ponder.
Amen. To that.
I really wanna hone in on one thing that Matt and Mindy said, and that is. if your marriage is struggling, what's the one thing that you can do right now to get help the smallest simplest thing that you can do to take action. Soon after this episode ends like seriously, what's the smallest thing you can do.
Maybe it means getting in touch with Matt and Mindy. Maybe it means signing up for counseling, whatever that is for you. Just do it, get it done, focus on that one thing and then worry about the next thing. But maybe that's not you, but you know, someone whose marriage is struggling. My question for you is what's one thing that you can do to help them get the help that they need.
Again, if you want the free guide seven tips to build a thriving and divorce proof marriage, just go to restored ministry.com/marriage or click on the link in the show notes. The resources mentioned are in the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 70. Thank you so much for listening. And this has been useful for you.
Feel free to subscribe. And if you know someone who's struggling from their parents' divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
