#038: When Our Families Break Apart, We Feel Homeless | Malcolm MacDonald
When our families break apart, most of us feel homeless. We lose our sense of safety and belonging. As a result, we go through life looking for the family we never had.
In this episode, Malcolm touches on those points while sharing his story. We also discuss:
His struggles in his relationship with his parents
How he’s healed his relationship with his dad
The undeniable truth that hurt people hurt people
What he did to cope with the pain and problems in his life in unhealthy ways
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Those of us who come from broken families often go through life, looking for the family that we never had. Looking for a place to call home a place where it feels safe, a place where we belong. In this episode, we discuss all of that and more with a man in his late twenties, as he shares his story about how he suffered from the trauma of his broken family.
He opens up about his relationship with his parents, how those relationships actually became strained, because he felt like he had to pick sides between the two of them. And he mentions how, when one parent would badmouth the other, it actually hurt his relationship with both parents, especially the one that was being talked about.
He shares how he's healed his relationship with his dad. It's really a beautiful story. And he said it was so key in order to forgive his dad, to understand his parents, their stories, and the pain and the problems that they've dealt with in their lives. And so by understanding that it really helped him to empathize and ultimately forgive his dad.
We talk about how hurt people hurt people. Often when there is a breakdown in a marriage or a family it's usually because one or both spouses. Are really hurting. Like they're really dealing with a lot of their own personal issues. And so that obviously plays out in the family and the lesson we can learn from that is if we don't deal with our brokenness, if you don't deal with your brokenness, you will pass it on to others.
It's scary to think of that, but it's so true. And we especially will pass it on to the people closest to us, our spouse, our future spouse and children. And so the best thing you can do for the people in your life that you love is to heal, to take ownership of the pain and the problems in your life to take ownership of your brokenness and to seek healing.
And if we don't the dangers that will end up repeating what we saw in our own families. And that happens far too often. That's exactly what we're trying to prevent here. It. My guess makes an excellent point about those of us who come from broken families often feel homeless, but since we have that deep need to belong and to feel safe, like I just mentioned a little bit ago, uh, we really need to find a place where we do belong and feel safe.
Cuz we have to feel that void. We can't just leave it empty. And he owns up to the unhealthy ways that he's coped with the pain and the problems in his life. He talks about his struggle with pornography, with drinking drugs, overworking. These were all attempts. He says to just feel good and to drown out the loneliness, depression, shame that he felt.
But as you'll hear it actually made him feel lonelier, more depressed and more ashamed, but thankfully his story doesn't end there. So keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 38 and before I introduce my guests, I wanted to make sure you know, that we are now accepting questions for the show.
That's right. You can submit your questions and we'll answer them. On the resort podcast, they'll either be answered by my guests or by me. Now you can ask anything that you want, maybe you feel stuck or unsure of how to handle the pain and the challenges from your parents' breakup. Maybe you're unsure of how to begin healing or continue down the path of healing.
If you've already began that process, maybe someone you love or you lead is going through their parents' divorce or separation, and you need to know how to help them, whatever your question will give you specific and actionable advice right here on the show to submit a question that's really easy. Just three steps.
Go to restored ministry.com/ask Joey that's one word again. Restored ministry.com/. Ask Joey, fill out the form, uh, with your question. And then as we're able, we'll answer your question on the show. We'd love to hear from you. My guest today is Malcolm McDonald and Malcolm has been working in the field of youth and young adult ministry.
For the past eight years. He has worked with various nonprofit organizations, including the culture project, net ministries, and other schools and churches across the country. Focus on fostering community and leading faith formation. When he isn't in a youth ministry setting, you can find him exploring different coffee shops, backpacking, outdoors, going to the gym, or quoting the office in his spare time.
He currently resides in Dallas, Texas. So let's jump into my conversation with Malcolm,
Malcolm. Welcome to the show, man. It's great to have you. Yeah, thanks so much for having me. Let's dive in. How old were you? When your parents, uh, separated in divorce, I just turned 19 years old. So I think it was a couple months after that. Okay. So you were, were you away at college? Yeah, I was just graduating high school.
Just about to go to college pretty much when everything went down in terms of like the separation and divorce. So you were right in the midst of it. Tell us a little bit about what happened and how you reacted to it. Yeah, so I just finished graduation in high school and I think, you know, there's been a number of years that have kind of built up to, uh, this point where there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of division already taking place between my parents and, uh, my sisters and things like that.
So, uh, the moment that I do remember everything kind of taking place, I actually don't remember the conversation there, there wasn't one conversation about separating. There was most likely a lot. There were a lot of times that it was talked about main mainly with my mom. Uh, it was around the time that. I didn't even really have much of a relationship with my dad at that point.
Um, we were going through a pretty rough patch and I really was just talking to my mom and she was, you know, talking about it pretty often about the separation. And, yeah, so I, I remember the day, I, I do remember the day of moving outta the house and it was during that time I was going through just all of the emotions, kind of just going through all the memories.
I was sitting in my, my living room couch and all these memories of just growing up in this house. I think at this point I was, I lived the majority of my life in this house. I think I moved in there when I was six. So all of the memories of the summers, the goofy moments, Christmas holidays. Yeah. We, we would do funny, like lip sync dances and stuff, my sisters and I, so that , that was great.
You know, I was always for like one Republic. I remember doing all these goofy dances and stuff. We were actually, we're a really goofy family, just in general. That's awesome. But yeah, just all these, like memories were just going through with my family, but especially. Remembering the moments of my parents, uh, loving one another.
Mm. You know, like my, my parents laughing, dancing in the kitchen. I remember one memory of my dad during one Christmas, he gave my mom her wedding room that was, uh, her wedding ring that was formed into a heart as a necklace, because it could no longer fit her ring finger. So he took it and for a couple months, and he was going to this dealer, uh, working away to, to give it back to her so that she can carry it with her.
And that was a really emotional moment, not just for my sisters and I watching this, you know, we were witnessing the love of our parents, but you know, all of these memories, I remember flooding through my head. I was sitting on the couch, thinking this isn't ever gonna be again. And thinking that this is the, the one time that we're gonna be walking away and those memories aren't gonna continue building.
So yeah, there was a lot of those memories and recollections that was kind of shattering if you will. Yeah. And, um, Yeah. So all, all I remember it was during this time. Yeah. My relationship with my dad didn't exist. We had a really rough patch, like I was saying, uh, we really didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things.
And so over time as my parents were separating my mom, I was growing. I was really close with my mom at the time. And it's kind of just turned into the point where the conversations with my mom, whether it was in the car or she was cooking food, uh, for me and my sisters, uh, those conversations that we used to have growing up really turned into, uh, saying really terrible things about my dad and that really, I think drove it fueled the anger and the hurts that I already had between my dad and I.
So I remember when I was sitting on this couch, going through all these memories, my dad was walking through the living room at one point to get to his, his bedroom. And just even just looking at him, I was super angry. Just fueling all this hatred towards him. And there's all this fear of him at the same time.
So I think at that point, I, all I wanted to do was run away. All these memories. I had kind of just flashed into anger and thought, okay, well we're gonna be leaving, so I don't wanna deal with any of this anymore. So that was a very painful day. Kind of just looking back on it. That was not fun. no, yeah, no, seriously, man.
There's so much there. And, and thank you for, for sharing and being vulnerable and coming on the show at all to, to share this, I know it isn't easy for a lot of people. I, I think you hit the nail in the head talking about memories. I think memories can be really painful for a lot of people who come from broken homes and, you know, thinking back like you, like you did, I can do the same thing with my family and thinking, oh, those good moments where I saw my parents together where things were peaceful, things were, were good.
Uh, they were happy and, and then, you know, things fell apart and thinking back there's like this, there's kind of two emotions that go with it. There's like this gratefulness, I think. That man. That was so good. And I'm grateful that we had that, but there's kind of this sting at the same time. It's like, man, I really wish that we had that now.
And I've noticed this with a lot of people who come from broken homes. People like us is that we're kind of all looking for the family that we lost or the family that we never had. Oh yeah. We all want, we have that like deep desire in us and it can be really painful at times. So I think it's, it's great for a lot of people listening to hear that, because often we don't give a lot of attention to, you know, how painful some memories can be.
And uh, often we may even just forget about things that were good in our parents' marriage and our family because of that, the pain kind of just overrides them, uh, as well. Yeah. So both of those things I think can be true. Yeah. You know, it kind of reminds me of, do you know the Pixar film inside out? Oh, I love that.
Yeah. It's a great movie. yeah, it's super great. If you're, if you're listening to this, I really recommend. Watching this movie, because it goes through period of this girl from Minnesota who moves across the country. And they're going through all these changes, you know, school, life changes, friends, change her parents, you know, they're going through things and she just feels so out of place, not belonging, but there's all these little characters in her head that are representing different emotions.
What is it like joy, there's joy, uh, sadness, fear, you know, there's like another one too, but I think Kager it's. Oh yeah. of course. That's right. the best character that literally the best character. Oh my gosh. Such a side of tension, but there's a scene where it's a fight between, uh, the, the girl is going through a tantrum and the they're sitting at a dinner table and the wife is trying to deal with it.
And she looks over and she taps her, uh, husband's foot and he looks up and it goes into his brain and it shows all of them kicking back, watching football. he's like, uh, I think, uh, the wife is trying to say something and then as they're like, as he starts dealing with his daughter, The anger starts taking over and there there's that one line where he is like, all right, I'm gonna put the foot down.
All right. Price, the red button 3, 2, 1. that's hilarious. Oh gosh. So yeah, so, so no, no, I think it's a, yeah. And, and just to clarify for people who haven't seen it, that basically you can see inside the minds of each of the family members and, and other people throughout the movie, so, and you can see kind of how their primary emotions, those five emotions play out.
So yeah, go ahead. So yeah. Yeah, no, that's great. So, but what, what I was thinking is that there's these different emotions that they experience and they come out in these different colors. And so there's core memories. And a lot of the movie kind of goes around the core memories that are, you know, things like belonging, uh, home, life sports, but they're all very specific.
And the core memories are the moments that have really formed them. And there's this moment where I've seen change. And oh gosh, I can't, I can't pin the point on which memory it was, but there was a, a core memory of remembering her parents, uh, picking her up after scoring a hockey goal. Uh, cuz she loves playing hockey.
And I think it was a moment that her family wasn't around when she wanted to, when she was trying to practice. And I think one of the parents wasn't there or no, sorry, one of her friends wasn't there, something like that, you know, and the core memory that represented joy turned into both sadness and joy and every time that she thought of that memory, uh, there was that pain and there was that sting and it was like this happy memory was like both painful and joyful, you know?
Wow. But it, it kinda reminds me of like what you're saying, saying Joey about, you know, those memories we have of our family before divorce were really wholesome and there's some of them that I, I will always remember. Being really beautiful memories with my family, that we were all like, whether it was like joking together, spending time, my family went camping a lot.
We went, I, I grew up in new England, so we went to New Hampshire or Vermont and we would just camp for the weekends and stuff. We would take family vacations in Canada, really, really beautiful, like Nova Scotia, prince Edward islands. And you know, a lot of those memories will look back and after the divorce, you know, it's, it's a happy memory, but it's a memory that you remember, you just can't experience again, the same way as, especially as a family.
So there is that, that longing in our hearts for wanting that belonging. And I think, you know, that's, that is what we deserve as, uh, just as humans that we belong to a family and that we're meant to be in relationship and communion, uh, with family. And I think family, you know, it's the core of our societies.
It's where we experience love. It's where we experience belonging and, uh, fulfillment. And it really is a pathway to knowing how to love, uh, how to love one, another, how to, to love if we are going to have families one day. So yeah, I think that movie, like it hits deep sometimes, you know, it's like, oh man, I relate to this movie so much inside out is it's great.
It's a great movie. Yeah. Yeah. You wouldn't think like an animated movie would be able to like, get you so emotional and like move you so much, but I can relate to, it was powerful movie. And, and I second, what Malcolm said, go ahead and watch that movie. If you haven't seen it, I think it will. It will be, uh, helpful for you.
I, uh, man, I can relate to so much of that. Like one memory. I remember my siblings and I would play hockey, uh, in, in our house, like inside the house, we were kind of crazy like that. And uh, so we we'd have these like little hockey sticks, um, and we'd use, uh, laundry baskets on like either side of a room and then we'd have like a little ball or little puck.
And so, uh, my dad would often play with us and, and it was so fun. Like we would just be like sliding around, just like shooting the ball, like as hard as we could at the net, it, it was so such a blast. And we also would play hockey in the basement. We had an unfinished basement, so we'd put on our roller blades and we'd just be like flying around in the basement.
That was like way too small to be playing hockey in and, uh, and it was just so fun. So, so I have those memories too, but then also, you know, the, the painful ones and it's just, there was such a fracture in my own. When, you know, those things stopped and it was really never the same after that. Uh, of course, and, and it's really, really difficult.
And, you know, I find myself missing that and, um, wanting to, you know, find a place where I can belong, because I think what often happens is we don't really feel safe even in our own families after this fracture happens. And it's, it's really sad. And I think a lot of it can be repaired, but man, there's always gonna be a scar there.
And yeah, another memory. I remember just a little being a little kid in like the back seat in my car seat and just, you know, driving home from family party or something and just feeling so safe in the presence of my dad and my mom. And, you know, when they broke apart, of course it was like the opposite.
So I can relate to, to everything that you went through. Yeah, definitely. And, sorry, remind me how many, uh, siblings do you have? Yeah, I'm actually one of six, so pretty big family. Oh, wow. Okay. That is. Quite a bit. And, uh, brothers and sisters combines. Yeah. So one only one girl. So , she's the princess and then, you know, the rest of us boys, so yeah.
Well, that's awesome. I'm just, I'm just trying to imagine you. Playing hockey in the basement with all of the boys and your sister. That is . That's great. That's so, oh yeah. You know? Yeah. I mean, my, my friend, one of my friends sees the same way too. He's got, I think he's similar. He's got six, sorry. He's got five brothers and one sister and they're all like super rough and stuff, but she's, she's a tough one too.
I think when you're one girl growing up in a households family with a bunch of boys, you know, she's gonna be pretty tough. Oh yeah. That's great. yeah, she's awesome. We love her. She's like, I think we've balanced her in a lot of ways. I'm sure we've driven her crazy, but you know, we kind of ground her in some ways from, you know, just to, she's able to really relate with our kind of roughness and she was right there with us playing a lot of sports a lot of the time.
Yeah. That makes sense. I was, I was the opposite. So I have, I have three sisters. And I'm the only guy in my house. So I think, yeah, just growing up, I started getting more like physically aggressive and I wanted to wrestle and, you know, I would take sticks and just, try to like play swords or do something dumb.
And my sisters would get so mad. They would not have it. And I remember my sister getting mad. And so that was one time I do re remember wrestling with her. And somehow we ended up in the bathroom and we both threw each other at the same time, landed on the toilet. Destroyed it like the toilet broke and I remember my dad like running up what's going on and we look at each other and then we start, you're like, oh, she did it.
She broke the toilet. no Malcolm broke the toilet. so that was, oh my gosh. So funny, but yeah, you know, it's so funny, even in those moments of, you know, getting in trouble and doing really crazy things in the house, uh, there was even, yeah, even when we got in trouble, there was still a moment of, of that belonging and, and safety that you're talking about.
And I remember taking a lot of family trips in the, the car. Uh, we would have an, a passenger van, and even though there was only four of us, but we just wanted the space and things like that. Yeah. Those it's funny how car rides and family trips, you actually feel super safe and it's really, you have like a lot of good memories, just like being in a car, cuz you're spending a lot of time together.
You're not like having to say anything, but. Yeah. I just remember that being, like you're saying there was, there was the comfort to that and there was definitely a lot of safety, but yeah, after, after experiencing divorce and the family and the separation. Yeah. You just can't that, that's something you just can't get back to.
And there's not like a, I like how you said there's not like a place you can feel like you have like a belonging again, just because it's not, it's not that family life. So I, yeah, after the separation and divorce, I became a missionary for this nonprofit organization and they pretty much just sent out all these young adults and groups across the country for about nine months going to different churches and schools.
And you're working with a lot of young people, usually from the ages of sixth, sixth grade to graduating seniors in high school. And there was those moments of getting ready for Christmas break. We get like two weeks off. And during the summertime, there's maybe like two, two months that you got off. Yeah, that was, that was really painful for me, cuz that was pretty fresh coming from a divorced family and still wrestling with the reality of what was going on.
And so everyone's talking about, oh, I'm gonna do this with my family. We're we do this every Christmas and I'm just REM I'm just sitting here thinking I'm not gonna have any of that. I don't have that. And feeling like I was almost like homeless I felt almost homeless in a way. Wow. And that's when I would just call or I would talk to one of my close friends and say, Hey, do you mind if I just hang out for like a couple weeks, whatever for Christmas.
And I, I would just spend time with other friends and their families and thinking I could run away from. The feeling of belonging. You think that if you're not going back home, you don't have to feel it, but then when you're surrounded by other people, other families that you don't even really know, then it's also kind of painful mm.
Yeah. There is that like the importance of family is there is that safety and belonging you experience, but as someone from a divorce family, that's something you can't really experience, uh, in the same way. Yeah, no, I'm I'm with you there. And so again, kind like we were saying before, experiencing that in another family can be really beautiful and really healing, but at the same time it can be painful and yeah, that, that you said it really well feeling homeless.
That's super interesting. How else did you see, uh, your parents divorce affect you in the years that followed? Yeah. Well, that's a, that's a great question. Well, you definitely. Are affected whether you want to admit it or not. I think in the first couple years, I would just think like, oh, I can deal with this.
You know, this isn't going to really affect me. And then what I ended up doing was repressing those feelings and those emotions. And so whenever, whenever I was meeting people and getting to know new friends and, and things like that, eventually the question would be asked and I would always dread it when they ask.
So how, like, who's like your family what's like your family, like, and I would just dismiss it by striking it off and just giving like a two sentence answer and then trying to go into another subject mm-hmm cause I could feel like this, like welling up inside of all these deep emotions of, of like anger and sadness.
And I didn't wanna deal with those feelings. I'm also, especially as, as a man, it's, it's harder expressing my emotions and I feel like it. It looks almost like a, a weakness to kind of get emotional in front of other people. So I would always, you know, avoid the topic, not really want to talk about my family.
And if I did, like eventually I started opening up to a couple friends and I would really get super angry. I would, I remember this one time. I think it was getting close to, oh man, what was it? I, I just talked about it for a while. and I got really angry and I went down into the basement. I didn't know what to do, but I just wanted to just smash a bunch of things.
mm-hmm and I had this, why can't I think of, I had a punching bag that was hung up in this garage. Uh, I was living in Seattle at the time working at a, a church and, uh, I took some, my friend's boxing gloves, and I just kept punching that. Actually I took the gloves off, cuz I wanted to feel the pain in my hands and just trying to get this pain out of my system and this anger out.
And I punched that bag until my hands. Like my knuckles started bleeding a little bit and started cutting open some. Some of the, the skin. Wow. And even afterwards, I would just, I think that's when I realized I have a lot of deep emotions and it is really affecting me. And I, I think in that first year too, was probably the most painful, especially because I had a bad relationship with my dad and I avoided phone calls from my mom, cuz it would end up turning into conversations about saying bad things about my dad.
Didn't talk to my dad for the first two years. I totally shut him out of my life. And I would wake up with nightmares pretty often. I, I think it was happening at least on a weekly basis, but I remember just having all these nightmares of my dad, trying to chase me and trying to kill me. And I just thought, wow, this is really violent.
And this is, uh, I would just wake up in sweats and over time, it, it did subside the more I talked about it, but a lot of the pain, it was most painful when I held it in and when I didn't acknowledge it. And so that really, you know, I think it did affect me in those ways, uh, at least for the first couple years.
So there was a lot of repressing feelings and memories and avoiding conversations. Yeah. There was a point when I realized I actually do need to acknowledge these feelings and I need to find a way to, to deal with them. At least in a healthy way. You know, I think a lot of us it's, it's easy to find really unhealthy ways to deal with it, but that does absolutely nothing it actually makes it worth dealing in an unhealthy way.
I would agree. It just adds more problems and, and often more pain into our lives. I know those absolutely true. In my case, uh, speaking about those unhealthy ways that we have to fall into, what were some of those for you, aside from the things that you mentioned the first few months? Yeah, I, I grew actually even leading up to the divorce.
It, it wasn't even when the divorce happens, but I think in the midst of seeing my parents sleeping in different rooms, you know, seeing like arguments, taking place, you know, myself, my sisters being dragged. Conversations with parents about the other parent, which I think happens to I've I've heard of others that have experienced those things as well.
Oh's so common puts you into, oh yeah. It puts you into such a awkward position. You don't know how to deal with it because you love both your parents and it just doesn't make sense. But yeah, I, I grew into an addiction with pornography, uh, masturbation, I think I wanted to just escape reality and I was trying to fulfill that feeling of belonging and, and wanting to be loved.
And the divorce really kind of started messing a lot with those thoughts and those feelings. Um, I also gave, started giving. Peer pressure a lot more. After a few months after, you know, graduation, when my parents were separating, I was working in a job as a salesman I was selling a kitchen. I was so crazy.
Nice. Um, yeah, that was actually a lot of fun. I really enjoyed that. That was great, but that's awesome. I worked probably 70 hours a week. It was an unhealthy amount, but I just tried finding ways to get out of my home. And I started giving into a lot of peer pressure with the people I was working with. So I started drinking, going to parties and I started smoking marijuana.
Yeah, I think at one point I got my wisdom teeth taken out, which was very painful. I was given a prescription, uh, for oxycont and, uh, started using that, uh, more, I, I started taking more than the recommended amounts, you know, I, as it was starting to like thin out I, I, I was taking it as, yeah. I was trying to thin it out.
So I have more of it as much as I can for the longer period of time. But I was just trying to find ways to just feel good and not experience the loneliness, the sadness, the depression that I was going through. And it wasn't helping because afterwards you'd feel more lonely and more depressed and more ashamed of yourself.
Really. And yeah, I was just trying to find different ways of ex escaping the pain. And in the end it was creating a vicious cycle. Repeating itself, like a never ending cycle that just wouldn't ends in. I, I think it really, like when I, it was a couple months after that I started going to, uh, I joined the missionary organization and that actually really helped myself get out of that mess that I was finding myself in.
Wow. Yeah. I can relate on so many levels. You know, people who know my story know that I, uh, you know, struggled with pornography and that was such a, a curse and a poison in my life. And man, yeah, it it's like it's such a vicious cycle. You said that. It's like we're in a hole and we're trying to get out the hole by digging the hole deeper.
It's like, well, it's not gonna work. You need to go the other way. And, uh, it, it just, again, leads in more pain and more problems. And so we just, our left kind of feeling stuck and left feeling pretty hopeless. Like, you know what now, like I've already kinda started down this road. I'm already addicted to this or that.
And. I don't think I there's any way that I could beat it. And man, how debilitating is that? Yeah, no that's so for real. Yeah. So you, so you experienced those things as well then? Yeah. Yeah. And no, for some reason I didn't go down the road of, of drinking and drugs. Um, thankfully I, I, that was a grace because alcoholism does run in my family.
I don't know how I didn't get into that, to be honest with you, but definitely, yeah, the porn, the masturbation, things like that. I definitely struggled there and that was, that was my drug of choice, so to speak. And that was the way that I numbed pain. And, uh, yeah, it really, uh, was so helpful to hear the truth about human sexuality and, you know, Jason Everett has been such a mentor to me over the years and I know, I know you love him too.
And it's uh, yeah, it, it was so helpful to. His message of how, you know, porn is really the opposite of love. It's using another person for your own pleasure and, uh, it will destroys your ability to love. It destroys your ability to one day, have a, a healthy marriage, which I think we all want. And so, yeah, thankfully I was able to get out of that, um, similar to you and start learning to deal with the stress, the pain and the problems in life and in healthier ways.
So I wanna, I wanna go there, what changed and like, what are maybe two, three things that, that have helped you cope in healthy ways and helped you heal in those years that followed joining? Yeah. Joining the missionary organization was a huge game changer in my life. I, I, like I mentioned earlier, we were working with a lot of teens in different parts in the country.
And a lot of these young people I was encountering were also going through a lot of their own issues and struggles. There was a lot of family issues, actually that I, I noticed with the teen that I was working with. And I remember one in particular, I was in Vegas back in 2013. And, uh, a lot of these teens that I was working with came from, yeah, some really bad families, uh, a lot of gang violence.
There was a lot of family abuse. A lot of the, I was working. I remember I was working, especially with a bunch of 13 year olds. And I thought I had nothing in common with these teens until a lot of them started opening up and sharing about their struggles with their relationship with their father and were asking me questions about that.
And that was during a time that I was also trying to deal with that on my own. And so I was, uh, giving them some advice and things like that, and just really like sharing, you know, the pains and the struggles of what I was experiencing. And these teens man, they were opening up and, you know, there was a lot of change that I saw over the course of the time that I was working with them.
And so that, that was really healing for me. You know, sharing about your pains and your struggles, you, a lot of the times, I think we, we think that I'm only, I'm the only one that's struggling with this. I'm the only one that is experiencing this loneliness, this pain, this depression there's everyone else has things that are perfect in their life.
But no, I'm I'm I see. A lot of people have struggles and a lot of pain that they go through, especially, especially in the, in terms of families. So a lot of that became a, a path of healing for me, was, was helping others that were also going through family issues and especially in the divorce and relationships with parents, uh, who were experiencing divorce.
Yeah. So that was, that was one way that I was able to. Cope with it. And, you know, even over, down the line, you know, I I've been working, uh, I, I work as a youth minister at a church here in, in Dallas, Texas, and yeah, I think this has really been huge for me. It's so life giving be able to help foster community, uh, for young adults, for young people that are in high school and middle school.
And there's, there's something about that feeling of belonging. That's really important to me. That's kind of stuck with me. I think even after experiencing the loss of belonging from my family life, you know, there, there was something that I felt in myself wanting to, to create a place that was like a, like a second home for those that either want a sec, that wants a second home or don't have that feeling of that placing of a home life.
Mm-hmm . Wow. So that's, uh, been really huge for me. Like when you start actually helping people, I I've noticed that's really been a huge path for healing. I think another, another way that I've been able to deal with it, you know, I did. Over time. Yeah. I, I think acknowledging my pain, talking about it with those that I trusted started, uh, seeking professional help.
A lot of times professional help is given this bad rep that it's only for those that are completely compromised as human persons. That it's only for like, I, I think we would almost considerate something for those that are really mentally ill mm-hmm , but I. Anyone can experience healing when it comes to seeking professional help, because they know how to, you know, they're really reflective.
They ask really good questions and it's just a really safe place to talk about what you're going through without feeling like you're gonna be judged, that you're gonna be looked differently and they provide really great practical. They give a lot of practical advice and steps on your path for healing.
And that's something that I've been able to experience and continue seeking. So yeah, those are some, uh, some really good ways that have been good for me. That's given a healthy avenue. For experiencing, uh, healing. That's amazing. No, and all the, all those are great pieces of advice for anyone listening, especially anyone who's feeling kinda lost.
Who's looking around and saying, man, my family pretty messed up. And a lot of the stuff that's happened and pretty pain, it's been pretty painful for me. I, I think you nailed that Malcolm, when you said really the first step is just acknowledging, like the awareness factor starting with that. And then from there, you know, you could do, I think all those things that you said where you're talking with other people.
Going to get professional help you're uh, maybe even trying to reach out and help people who might be in a little bit of a worse spot than you are. I know that was really helpful for me growing up, because I dealt with a lot of things. You know, I dealt with anxiety, I dealt with depression at different points.
I went through a phase, especially in high school, just kind of pulling away from people, dealing with loneliness. And I ended up, yeah, just kind of becoming this hermit, like someone who did, you know, go out and spend time with friends. I still did some things like, you know, I was an athlete, so I was playing sports, but I just really kinda shut off my heart to other people.
And man, that will just hold you back in life. If you do that, especially when you're dealing with, with these serious wounds and mm-hmm I think often we don't. Give enough, um, validation to people who come from broken homes for one reason or another, we kind of just expect people like us to just kind of suck it up and move on with life.
It's like, okay. Deal with it and get on. Like, there's a lot of people who go through this. Um, they seem to be fine. And so you should be fine too. Um, but what we're learning through the research and through stories and through like this ministry is that's not true. Like this stuff it can be, and usually is very traumatic and we need to heal in a very serious way.
And if we don't the danger is that one we're gonna go and repeat it ourselves. Or, you know, we're just gonna hurt people or we're gonna, you know, do the things that you and I did Malcolm, are we getting these really bad habits? And then our lives just become miserable and nobody wants that. So, yeah. Yeah.
I, I love, I love your advice. I love what you said. Uh, I'm curious in your relationships going there. Yeah. What, what was that like? How did you see, uh, the effects of your parents' divorce affect your, your dating relationships and, um, and. Yeah. You know, that's such a, yeah, that's such a good thing to talk about.
And I think we don't really think how it affects us. When we walk into relationships, I was dealing with a lot of, a lot of fear of when there were fights that would break out or, or just like arguments that this would, this would trigger for me a lot of fear that this person would walk away from me. And I think after experiencing my parents walking away from each other, then it's almost a translation of, well, this is, I, I think a lot of it's kind of just matched it as a reality of, of relationships.
So yeah, I experienced a lot of, a lot of fear that things would end. I didn't really have a lot of hope that relationships could work. And especially when there were arguments that that would break out. So that was something that really did. My relationships that I, that I have been in, in the past, it's really, that's really, it.
It's taken a lot of reminding myself that that's not always the case. And if that person like really does truly care for you, they're not gonna walk away. Like love is takes work and takes a lot of, uh, forgiveness too. I think forgiveness is one of the most important things. And looking back in my parents' marriage, there, wasn't a two way street on forgiveness and that's really what is needed as a, as a basis.
Just healing, I think. And, and recognizing we, we are not perfect human beings, you know, we have weaknesses, we fail other people mm-hmm , but it's really just that mercy by forgiving one another. That makes a huge difference. I, I, I think that has been a big lesson for me. Those, my family struggle with forgiveness, which makes sense.
You know, you come from a divorced family and yeah, there, there needs to be forgiveness on the basis for there to. Improvements in growing closer relationships. So does that answer your question for yeah, no, no, absolutely. So I, man, and people are affected in different ways in their relationships. One of the things that I've seen as a common trend is that that fear that you mentioned holds us back from truly loving fully.
We, we love at arm's length or maybe we don't even love to begin with. And that prevents us from experiencing the intimacy that we all long. And so we're like robbed of this joy of this really beautiful thing of being vulnerable to someone who, you know, is gonna love you. And who's gonna be there for you through anything, you know, of course that's made it more real in a marriage than a, a dating relationship.
Cuz of course you're figuring out if it's the right fit at that point. But yeah, it's, uh, I, I think there's some real, real barriers there and about forgiveness. That's an excellent point. I think it's so necessary in broken homes because there's been so much hurt and I wanted to go back to something you said that you saw in your family and especially.
Talk about this because there might be a parents listening right now. And parents, if you're listening to this, one of the things we, I just want you to know is that badmouthing your spouse in front of your kids is just so harmful. Like Malcolm said it so well, uh, how it affected him and the negative effects that it had on his relationship with his dad.
You know, it obviously wasn't the entire thing, but it played a big role. And so, you know, if you needed to get things out, if you need to vent, you know, go to go to a sibling, go to an aunt, an uncle, a pastor, or counselor, your attorney, if you have to, but don't pull your kids into it. And there there's can be a tough balance when maybe you need to tell your kids some painful and true things about your spouse, but always take very, very much time and care and try to figure out, use discretion and thinking, do they really need to know this because the bad mouthing can be so damaging.
Would you add anything to that? No, I think that's really great. As a teenager, when I was going through that, I was in such a, a vulnerable place already dealing with the thought of. Separation of divorce. And I, I love, I love my parents, uh, even today, even though there's differences I have in, and there's still healing, that's taking place between my parents.
Yeah. I, I, I do see that, uh, that did affect me. Uh, I remember just thinking as my mom, uh, was sharing a lot of things about my dad, about what she was going through and the, the things, the bad things that she was talking about. My dad that I, I just didn't think was that necessary. Yeah. That really did hurt my relationship with not only with my dad, but also with my mom.
And it changed our relationship where I, I felt like I was kind of just taking her burdens as a mother and as a wife. And it just didn't feel right. It. It felt weird. yeah. I don't know if that's the right way of saying it feels weird, but yeah, it, it definitely like, I mean, it made me avoid calls with my mom.
It, it, it hurt my relationship with her. And yeah, I, I think as a parent, you know, those, those are effects that, that I have experienced that I've heard other, uh, other friends who have gone through divorce, experiencing different things. So the things that you, you do say to your children do hold a lot of weight for your relationship.
It does. Yeah, it is a very sensitive thing. Going through a divorce as a child, as a teenager, growing up, you're already dealing with your family going in different directions, your, your siblings, by going in different directions that not only does it affect your relationship with your, with your parents, but your siblings too.
It's, uh, very, very different. So words hold a lot of. As a parent, I think, yeah, I can agree more and it's difficult cuz the parents are really hurting and they need a place to talk about those things. And often the kids are just like the most available. They trust them. And so they just turn to us, but it can be, it can be so damaging.
I, uh, I want to go back to something you said too about the brokenness in your family prior to the divorce. I know a lot of times just the lingo that we use when we talk about divorce, uh, it is a traumatic event. It is something that's serious. It is kind of the, the summit or the pinnacle of a lot of bad things that happened before it.
But it's not like that other bad stuff. Wasn't there. It's not like this random event happened that just like went off like an Adam bomb. It's like, oh, where did that come from? It's like a lot of times there's just been so much brokenness, so much pain in the family for years and years and years. It just finally got to that point where, you know, the parents broke apart and there is something to say.
It is a very distinct and painful thing when your parents actually separate when they get divorced. But that doesn't mean that. There isn't a lot of trauma that happens within the family. Even if parents do sit together, but things are really broken. Right? Yeah. That's, that's so true. Just thinking about the events that have led up to it.
Yeah. I, I remember seeing friends going through divorce when I was in middle school, uh, even entering into high school a little bit and just thinking, oh, that's not gonna happen. But then, you know, after a couple years you see a lot of small things happen and, uh, yeah, there's a, there's so much brokenness, uh, that takes place over time.
Yeah. You know, like parents, like there's small steps like parents sleeping in different beds, you know, fights breaking out more and more often having those conversations with your siblings and your parents and just seeing events going down. I remember my parents going through a fight during Thanksgiving probably.
A year and a half before we'd gone through the separation and my grandparents were there and my parents were fighting and they were ignoring each other. And I could see my grandparents trying to hold it together. And it was . It was so awkward. Mm-hmm . And I remember my, my younger sister, Olivia, she didn't understand social cues very well.
Growing up, she just had a funny way of just saying things exactly as they are, that you wouldn't necessarily say in a situation. But I remember there was a really awkward moment of this silence and my sister said, Why is everyone so awkward?
I love it. I remember thinking like, why'd you have to say that out loud. Now I want to leave. we're all feeling it. We're all thinking. You don't need to say it, but we don't wanna admit that, you know, so gosh, it's, uh, it's so funny. Yeah. They're just like a lot of moments that kind of build up, but, you know, there was something like you said earlier, that kind of, I, I think who said this, someone said hurt people, hurt people.
Hmm. And I really believe that like, if, if you're broken and you don't go on a path of healing, you're going to hurt other people without even realizing it, it like, like you're saying like in relationships and stuff, the ways that it could affect other people is the lack of, of vulnerability with either, you know, whether it's like someone you're dating or if it's, if it's your spouse, that brokenness is going to tie down into other parts of your, your relationship.
So, yeah, I think in, in marriages, you. So some of the divorce that I've, that I've heard of, you know, I, I could see from E even, just from my perspective and my family, my, my parents were broken. My, my mom growing up, had a lot of abuse in her life, growing up from her family. And that really affected the marriage, uh, between my parents and myself growing up, my mom went to the hospital lot as a, when I was middle school, she was dealing with PTSD.
Um, she was in the hospital for a long period of time. Yeah. And that was coming from the trauma that she experienced. And, uh, that really did affect, uh, her relationship with my dad, obviously us as a, as a family, uh, my dad had a lot of things that happened in his family that he was dealing with that gave, he, he dealt with a lot of anger and took it out on us kids.
I didn't really understand at the time, but I thought, wow, why does my dad hate me so much? But , I didn't realize he was actually going through a lot. And it was coming out into the family. So hurt people, hurt people and, you know, divorce that take place, you know, that that could be. In every case, but that could be a result of hurt.
People hurt hurting people. So healing is so important, you know, like, yeah, acknowledging that you're in pain. If you don't acknowledge it, it's going to come out on someone yeah. Uh, or something or affect you personally. So it, it's not a one moment thing of a divorce. It's a multitude of steps and it's a many broken pieces that eventually break the whole, the whole thing, unless you start dealing with it, unless you start acknowledging that, that pain and wanting to see if there is like a way to heal from it.
Yeah. That's sorry. I just wanna, you ran ramble base on what you were saying, but you know, I, I just feel like that's, you know, that's what it. No that's super relevant. And I, yeah, I, I would say, you know, you said maybe not in every case, I would almost be in every case. I, we would, well, we would say almost always, because based on the stories we've heard at restored and the people we work with, the research we've seen, uh, there, there's just a lot of brokenness that typically runs through.
Generations, but especially in the parents' lives. And a lot of times the things that surface the problems that surface in the marriage are often because of unresolved things, uh, at some point in the past. So you hit the now in the head, you know, hurt people, hurt people. Totally true. And that's one of the reasons that we exist at all.
Our vision is to help, uh, reverse the cycle of divorce by helping young people heal and build virtue, because if we can heal and build virtue, we'll be these strong, healthy individuals. And then we're gonna go into our relationships and we'll build strong marriages and strong marriages, of course, of the foundation of good.
Healthy families and good, healthy families are really what are, what's gonna transform our culture from a culture that's just so broken and lost the one that's living, uh, a happy, meaningful, uh, existence. And so it, you you've said it so well, we can't overstate healing a lot of times can be thought of as this just kind of like nice and unnecessary thing, if you have time for it.
Cool. Do it. Um, but what we're saying here is like, if you don't do it, the stakes are really high. Like you may end up repeating exactly what you saw in your own family. I don't say that's to scare you, but that's just what the research shows and that's just what we've seen. And so now you I'm really glad you brought that up.
Yeah. Oh definitely. You know, you gotta gotta find a way to heal, you know, gotta acknowledge it. It's a lot more painful, I think not acknowledging it. And you just can't escape pain. That's really what it is. And you have to face that pain and it may feel uncomfortable and may feel scary wanting to just go through it and then face.
But from what we see, you know, what you're talking about, what I was going through and continue healing from is, you know, there could be a lot more pain. There could be a lot more pain and, and hurt in the end mm-hmm but we gotta go through it, you know, but it's worth it. It's so worth it because there's so much hope.
There's so much hope. I think when you can start that process. Yeah, absolutely. And speaking of hope, how, how is your life different now that you've, you know, gone through some of the healing process, you've made some progress now. I'm not saying that, you know, you're, you're done or your life is perfect at this point, but, but you have made a lot of progress.
I'm just curious. How does your life look different now? Yeah, so I, I definitely have a lot of growth. I think in the last few years, I think about two years after I went through the divorce in my family and I was still, uh, working with a nonprofit organization on my own. I really felt this pulling to, to talk to my dad again.
Mm, because there, there was still like a longing for, you know, that reconciliation, but it, it, I mean, it took a lot of courage to get to that point. What, what I recognized that I, yeah, that really helped me was forgiving my parents. And that's incredibly difficult to do because you see all the, the hurt and the pain that you, you go through, that your sisters go through.
And, and so I, it's not uncommon to blame your parents for the divorce and the separation in your family. Mm-hmm anyways, I sent an email to my dad I couldn't, I, I didn't wanna call him, you know, whatever. And I said, Hey, do you mind if we can have a talk? And so I wrote down a list on my, in my journal of all the things that he failed at.
And I, I was so ready to be like, all right, dad, you know, you were terrible at this and this and this , it would really bad. Yeah, I know. So I, I got with him. I didn't actually. Yeah, that was, that was very scary. Just, I, I was very afraid of him being angry at me being super upset at me. So when I got on the call, I, I had all these thoughts going through my head and I don't know how it happens, but you know, I, after a couple minutes of saying hi and doing a little bit of small talk, I ended up asking my dad to forgive me.
And I, I just started just apologizing for the failure as a son. And this was not how I, I was expecting it to go. But yeah, I, I ended up apologizing and yeah, I, I think I, yeah, I got pretty emotional and my dad started apologizing for all the ways that he's filled me as a father. Mm-hmm I think it ended up being a two hour discussion with him and yeah, I think it, by the end, we were both crying, you know, ever since then, there's been a lot of healing.
In my relationship with my dad and it, it was sort of a struggle, you know, here and there. And we definitely had a couple fallbacks and, you know, a couple steps forward. But at this point in my life, I probably talked to him multiple times a week. I, I feel very comfortable going back home. I, I started going back home.
I, I think about two or three years after. And so I, I actually just got back home from Christmas. Uh, I went back to visit him and I talked to one of my sisters. So yeah, I, I think that has been really huge. And when it comes to my mom, uh, we still have a lot of struggle. I, I still have some struggle with, with my mother.
but I it's, it's a constant. Yeah. I just think I I've taken a lot to try to forgive her and my heart. And I've, I've recognized over the years, she's gone through a lot in her own life, through her own childhood traumas. So mm-hmm, , I think that's made it a, there there's things I learned about her and her past life that I didn't recognize that I, I didn't know that she had gone through.
Yeah. And, and that really helped me to put in, put into perspective kind of the repercussions that have taken place over the years that ended in the divorce. So I, I think forgiveness is very difficult, but I, I think that's been really huge for me was. Just learning to forgive my parents and taking that step forward, especially in the relationship with my father, that's profound that you went first.
Like you didn't really plan on it, but when you, once you got on that phone call and that conversation with your dad, you decided that there were certain things that, you know, you felt better, you could have done better at. And you decided to kind of be the one who went first, who, who was vulnerable to start with, and then that opened up your dad's heart.
And that helped him to, you know, ask for forgiveness as well, which that's amazing because I think often if you were to go into that conversation and say, these are all the things you screwed up on, I would imagine, I know I would feel this way, him getting very defensive and perhaps, you know, maybe it would've started an argument, some sort of a conflict, but the fact that you went in there and you just shared your failings, it sounds like it opened him up to, to do the same.
Yeah. You know, you're definitely right. I went into that conversation thinking, and I think a lot of us have this. They struggle as well, thinking that if they only know what they failed at, I can help them see what they're failing in to resolve the issue. Mm. You know, like you're saying that actually it puts up a lot of defenses, uh, for the other person because you're attacking them.
Yeah. And I honestly don't know how I got to that point where I was able to do that, but it, it took a lot of courage. It's very vulnerable, you know, like you're saying, because there, you open up yourself in a way where you don't know how they're going to react, and that's a scary, that's a scary jump to take, but in the end it was, it was the best thing I could have done, I think in that situation.
And you know, we've, we've gone really far ahead since that time. That's awesome. Yeah. I, that's a great point about, you don't know how they're gonna react. He could have reacted really poorly, you know, not, not to say your dad's like a bad person or anything, but that is one possibility when you approach a person with a problem or talking about something that's really difficult that they may not react well.
And so it's amazing that he reacted well. And I bet that yeah. Was extremely healing for, for your relationship. It sounds like it was. And I also wanted to recognize that you, yeah, you sound like a pro at negotiation in a lot of ways. Cuz some of the principles you use are from basically people who are really good at negotiation are really good at having difficult conversations.
And one of them is whenever you go into a conversation to talk about something difficult, it's really, really, really important to talk about it from your perspective, saying things like I feel instead of saying like you, you, you, and because it, it for everyone listening, you know, if you're need to have a difficult conversation with anyone, but especially with your parents, if you go in and say.
You know, I feel that the way that you talk about mom, the way that you talk about dad, uh, it, it makes me feel this way. Then it's all about you. It's not about them necessarily. Like obviously their actions are making you feel a certain way, but you're not pointing at them, condemning them because of what they're doing.
You know, if, uh, if anyone who's listening here wants to figure out how to go into a, a difficult conversation that has high emotions. Uh, there's just a shameless plugin for a book called crucial conversations. Mm. That was put together by a lot of just different high, like business consultations, uh, and, and higher upper management.
And it's been really useful for both professional and all conversations. I'm also not being endorsed by crucial conversations, but if they do hear this, uh, you can definitely pay me because , I think it's worth it. so, uh, I love it. Yeah. I think it's very important to know how to, to go through those conversations.
I didn't know how to do it at the time. That was really. That, that was a very lucky, I think that that situation rolled out as it did. Yeah, no, I think there's a lot of great lessons in it. And the, the other thing you said about your mom, understanding her background, understanding her store, understanding kind of the ways that she's been harmed over the years made you a lot more compassionate to her, a lot more empathetic to her.
And you know, like you said, there's still room to grow there, still room to heal. But I, I imagine that that has helped so much, uh, like you mentioned to, to just understand her, her background, her struggles, her story. Yeah. I think it's really important to know the other person's perspective and in the moment in the, when, when it's like a heated moment and all these deep emotions start coming out, it, it gets very difficult to think outside of what you're feeling.
and it's easy to forget that that other person has their own story, their own feelings, uh, their own perspective that is different than yours and that most of the time we all think it's yeah, we all have different perspectives and it makes it much easier when you come to a better understanding. So for example, you know, I think a lot of us recently, a lot of movies have been coming out, showing these villains that have actually had a deeper story on Netflix Cobra.
Kai's. Kind of like one of the hits where it's the bully from karate kid. And you just think he's just like this, this punk, this bully, but then you know, this, this Mo this, uh, series comes out and you actually start to have this sympathy for him because you didn't realize how much he went through. And he had his own pains and struggles, and you're like, oh man, this guy's actually like, not that bad.
He's actually pretty good. Yeah. And I think that, I think there's some truth to that. I think no one is coming into the situation, uh, situation as a, as a culprit, but everyone has their own story. They have their own struggles, their own brokenness. And, uh, it makes it much easier to forgive the other person when you recognize that they've gone through things as well.
It doesn't make the situation any better, but it, I think it definitely helps to forgive. And, and I think that is the first step is, is to forgive in the. Love it. I couldn't agree more about the movies you mentioned. I I'm a big, uh, Christopher Nolan fan for those who don't know Christopher Nolan, he's the director who, uh, made the Batman movies, Batman trilogy, like Batman begins the dark night, dark neck rises, inception, memento.
You know, all these movies that are just like really thought provoking. One of the things that he says when it comes to villains is that people who villains, who are more relatable, um, in a way are more terrify. Because we can almost see ourselves in them in a way. And I think that's very true in life that a lot of times we kind of, yeah.
Villainize people or push them off to the side thinking, oh, then they're so bad. They're so evil. They're so, um, the things that they do are so wrong, but in many ways, it's like, well, what's the difference between me and them. And the honest truth is that there's actually not too much of a difference. Like they're just maybe further down the path that one day I could potentially go down if I'm not careful.
So I think, uh, yeah, I know Christopher Nolan, like specifically tries to kind of show that part of villains, humanize them in a way and not just say there's not just these crazy people they've, you know, been hurt. They've been through a lot, they've gone down the wrong path, for sure. Not making light of that.
Um, but they're not totally different than you and me. Wow. That is very terrifying. I did not, I did not hear that before, but he definitely does a good job of showing that in his movies. Absolutely. But welcome. Uh, was there anything else you wanted to add about kinda how your life is different now? How it looks different now, even though of course you're still in the process of healing.
Yeah. You know, I'm definitely taking some steps to continue, uh, growing in myself and, and continue the healing process. So yeah, I'm, I'm seeing, I'm looking for a therapist. Yeah. I, I just recognize there's some of those deeper wounds that I need to take care of in order to continue the process of healing, continue the process of, you know, forgiveness with my parents and hopefully one day, uh, have that reconciliation with my, my mother.
So, uh, definitely there's still, uh, yeah, there's still some things that I, that I go through, but I think for the most part, I feel much more peace with myself. I'm really happy where I am in my life. I can. Back in my family, more objectively without a lot of deeper emotions that used to bother me quite a bit.
But I, I do feel like I live in a lot more freedom than I did in the past where I felt enslaved by my emotions and my anger. But I, at this point I feel a lot more at peace with myself and I, I feel that there's a lot of good, that's been taking place within the family itself. There there's still my, my family's still healing.
And some of them won't talk to each other, which is normal mm-hmm . But I think, uh, there's much more acceptance at this point with family than there was, you know, five, six years ago. I hear you, man. And, uh, I'm glad that there's progress being made. It is a long journey and, uh, it's kind of this infinite goal where we we'll always be working on it to some extent, because yeah, I don't know if it'll ever be completely healed where, to the point where we're like, okay, I'm done.
Um, I I've often given the example of like fitness, you know, I never wake up one day and say, okay, I've reached the pinnacle of fitness. I will never do anything else with fitness ever again. I will never eat anything healthy. I will never work out. I'm good. Um, that's not, not gonna happen, so we need to stay at it.
But, but I do think it's possible to, to find closure, to learn how to, you know, cope with some of the struggles that we have to learn, the skills that we need to, to live really good, meaningful, um, beautiful life. And, uh, yeah, I could tell that you're you're well on your way there, man. Yeah. Thanks, man. I really appreciate that.
Yeah, man, I really appreciate you sharing your story. I just wanna. Give you an opportunity to, to everyone listening. Who's who's maybe going through a lot right now that they feel broken. Uh, they feel stuck. They're just going through a lot of pain, a lot of problems because of the brokenness in their family, whether their parents are divorced, separated, or maybe there's have really ugly marriage.
Like what encouragement, what would you give to, to people like that who are listening right now? Yeah, that's great. You know, if you are dealing with divorce or separation right now, or you're going through a lot of these emotions and, or maybe you're, you're, you're falling into different unhealthy patterns, know that you're not alone in that, that you there's, uh, a really great line from one, uh, a Catholic Pope from 20, 30 years ago, his name was John Paul II.
And he said, you are not the sum of, uh, your failures and weaknesses. He says, you are the sum of the father's love for you. Basically. You are not, you know, whether you're you're religious or maybe you're not, uh, just know that. You are not identified with the brokenness in your family. Uh, you are not the cause of the brokenness that you are experiencing in your family, but you are meant to be loved that you belong and that there are people that love you and that care for you and want to be there to support you.
And it's going to take time, but there is, there is hope. I know the experience of just thinking this is never gonna end. I feel claustrophobic. I, I feel like my world is crashing all around me. No, those experiences are very real and those, uh, those feelings are very, very real, but know that over time and over finding that support seeking help, man, that is that's gonna help you so much.
And there is, there is a light I, man, I can't believe I just said that there is a light at the end, but seriously, there is like hope there is hope for you. Mm-hmm and it's not always gonna be this. Time is so hard to deal with because it's slow, but it's going to, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay in the end.
Uh, there's a, a great TV show. I , I highly recommend it. It's a Netflix series called it's okay. To not be okay. And it shows like the, these people that are dealing with their brokenness and acknowledging their brokenness over time. But one of the, the title for it is it's okay to not be okay. But I think that's so real is just to acknowledge that it's okay.
Not to be okay. You know, but know that there is a place for you. There are people that love you that supports you. And there is, there is hope for you, so good man. If people wanna connect with you, how can they do that? Yeah, you can, uh, connect me, uh, through Instagram, either pop young church. Uh, that's what, one, one of my Instagram accounts.
Um, I'm also at Malcolm Mac 93. If you wanna shoot an email, uh, you can shoot it at. M max Donalds, P Oop, plano.org. Awesome, man. And guys, we'll throw that stuff in the show notes so you can, uh, easily contact, uh, Malcolm, if you'd like to, man. Thank you so much for your time. Really appreciate you being here and just sharing and appreciate all your advice, all your wisdom as well.
Yeah. Thanks for having me. This is great.
One trend that we've. Ever sword is that the people who typically share their story with us to put on the blog, or maybe come on the podcast or share their story have typically been women. And so it's great to have Malcolm on, to hear from a man about how, you know, his broken family has affected him and what he did about.
And so men, we need to hear from you women. We wanna continue hearing from you. We really appreciative of all the stories that we've received, that you guys are trusting us with really some vulnerable stuff. And so if you wanna share your story, we'd love to hear it sharing your story. Actually, isn't just good for other people.
It's actually good for you too, in order to be able to share your story and communicate it, you need to reflect on it. And that act of thinking back and reflecting on your story, which so few of us actually do is actually healing on a neurobiologic level. It makes your. Healthier makes you healthier. And so, uh, reflect on your story.
So good. And then if you write that story down, which I'm gonna invite you to do in a second here, studies have shown that people who write about emotionally significant events in their lives are actually less depressed. They're less anxious, they're healthier, they're happier. And then if you take that a step further and you share that story with someone else, someone who can really receive it and listen to you in an empathetic way, that is also healing on a neuro biological level.
Now it does help other people too. It can give someone guidance and hope. Like maybe there's someone who's five years behind you, or even your same age or 10 years behind you, whatever. And they're going through some of the things that you went through. They can really benefit a lot from hearing your story, knowing that they're not alone.
They're not the only one who went through that. Maybe learning. From you and figuring out, oh, maybe I should try this in my life or that in my life. Uh, but also just feel hopeful that there's light at the end of the tunnel. And so you can really help a lot of people by sharing your story and sharing your story is really simple.
It's just three steps. Go to restored ministry.com/story. Again, restored ministry ministry is just singular.com/story. The form on that page will guide you to write a short version of your story. And then we'll take that and we'll turn it into anonymous blog article. And then from time to time, we'll invite those authors on the show on the podcast to share their story.
Now that's not a requirement if you submit your story, but from time to time, we will reach out and ask, uh, the authors of those stories to come on the show, to talk a little bit more about their story. And so we'd love to hear from you. We'd love to hear your story. So go ahead and share it ever. Restored ministry.com/story today.
The resources mentioned during the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 38. Thank you so much for listening. And this has been useful for you. I invite you to subscribe and I invite you to share this podcast with someone that you know, who could really use it. Always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
