#035: My Parents’ Divorce Exposed My Insecurities | Emily Luke
Emily knew her parents might divorce, but nothing could’ve prepared her for it. It made her feel alone. It made her feel like nobody understood. Feeling insecure, she sought security by trying to control things, especially her relationships.
In this episode, Emily shares her story and more:
How she kicked healing down the road since she knew it would be painful
The #1 thing that has helped her heal her broken idea of love and marriage
How to handle anger toward your parents in a healthy way while honoring them
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Emily was away at college. When her dad called her, he was emotional and she knew what was coming. So she started crying and she asked him, she. are you and mom getting a divorce? And although she knew that one day that might happen, there's really nothing that it could have prepared her for it. And following that she, she felt so alone and she felt like nobody could understand what she was going through.
She questioned her identity. She questioned her worth, and it really ignited a desire in her to control things. Especially her relationships, which she used to feel some sense of security in this episode, Emily shares about that and more about how the trauma from her parents' divorce has affected her.
She talks about how she really pushed healing down the road. She didn't want to heal now. Because she knew it would be painful, even though she knew that she needed it. She shares how she's learned to handle her anger toward her parents while at the same time honoring them. And she has some advice on, on how all of us can do that as well.
She shares the one thing that has helped her to heal her broken idea. Of marriage. She touches on how sharing her story with the right people has been really healing for her. And she talks about a really beautiful desire that she has to parent her own children really well. And to do that side by side with her spouse, lots of great content in this episode.
So keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce or separation. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 35 and today we speak with Emily. Luke. Emily is a recent graduate of Minnesota state university with a degree in marketing.
Since graduating, she took a job as a missionary on a college campus with the organization. Focus. And that job will allow her to do what she loves, which is helping college students really navigate life and the challenges that they've faced by sharing what she's learned over the years so that they can benefit as a child of divorce.
Emily. Really passionate about marriage and family as well. And in particular, she wants to help young people learn how to have healthy relationships before they're married. And she's also volunteered for many different nonprofits to give back the support that she's received that went any longer. Here's my talk with Emily,
Emily, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for making time. Yeah, thank you so much. I'd love to hear your story. So, so let's go right into it. How old were you when your parents, uh, separated? What happened? Uh, how did you react? Yeah, so I was 20 years old, so I was wait in college, which makes. It a little challenging, a different, um, story.
Mine's pretty unique in that way, but yeah, so I was 20 years old and I was a sophomore in college and my parents' relationship had been pretty Rocky throughout the last few years. So I remember getting a call for my dad and I was at my college apartment and I went out to the back step. Um, where no, there's no traffic.
And I remember just kind of knowing what the phone call was about. I remember him being emotional and me crying and just like asking him, are you and mom getting divorce? And yeah, I remember. that since the relationship had been so Rocky, that it was always a possibility, it was always gonna be something that may come up in the future or divorce, but mm-hmm I could never have prepared for it.
Like it was always something I was like, yeah. Someday, like maybe when my sister, I have younger sister when she graduates high school. Yeah. So it was just still something that I could not have possibly prepared for. So yeah. After that conversation, like what was going through your mind? What was going through your heart in that, in that instance?
Yeah, I think I definitely began to ask a lot of questions about marriage and family and mostly about myself. I think it. It created a lot of questions. I didn't even know that I like it exposed a lot of insecurity that I didn't know I had, because if these two people who created me whose love brought me into existence, like, and they can't even get along or stay together, like, it kind of felt like a huge schism within myself.
Like how can I. come to terms with myself in a lot of ways. And so it really pushed me to dig deep and uncover all the parts and all the insecurities within myself. It really causes you to kind of question your identity question, your worth, doesn't it? Yeah, definitely. And it, it, it wanted, it led me to look for firm foundation because the firm foundation that I.
that I was relying on in some form, even if it wasn imperfect seemed to crumble. And so I just, yeah, I was seeking that identity and that security. Yeah, that makes so much sense. So many of us go through that exact thing and we deal with it, you know, for years too, but I'm so happy that you you've been ahead of the game and we'll get into kind of your, your healing story, but you're really ahead of the game by kind of jumping on this problem right away.
A lot of people wait years and years to, uh, to find resources, to find help, to, to heal from something like this. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And I know at the time. I was really faced with it. So yeah. So my parents doors when I was 20 I'm, 22 years old. So it was two years ago. But I remember at the time this I, this idea of yeah.
Healing and right away, I was like, well, I'm, I can, I'm gonna wait. I, I don't, I can't deal with it. Like, I, I dunno what I was gonna wait for, but I was like, no, I can't handle it right now, but I just remember. Thinking like, okay, this is gonna be super painful, but I want to try to heal now cuz later is not gonna be better and I'll just continue to hurt other people along the way.
If I don't decide to try to seek healing in the present. Absolutely. It's like having a broken leg and thinking, ah, it's just gonna hurt to fix it. It. You know, maybe I need to get surgery or something. So I'm just gonna wait. I'm just gonna wait. it's not gonna get better. Mm-hmm so I, I hear you. And were there any other ways that you reacted to that news to the breakdown in your parents' marriage or perhaps even just the reality of their marriage that had been there for so many years?
Yeah, definitely. I think throughout the divorce. Brought to light all of the ways that the marriage had been imperfect and also hurt, just hurt me throughout the last two years. And so my parents really, there was a lot of stuff that even started back when I was like 17. And so that was also when I was preparing to go to college.
So through those years, the like years of college, specifically, I mostly turned to an unhealthy romantic relationship myself for that security. And it was. Through that. And then through my parents, I realized like something in me, doesn't actually understand what marriage and relationship is for. Hmm. And it led me to really react out of these hurt places from myself.
And I think the example that I had had in my life mm-hmm and so. Then through the ultimate divorce, I ran back. So I had had this off and on relationship and I ran back to it, even though I had known and had come to terms with this is an unhealthy relationship. I just wanted to control something and grasp with something.
And so, Hmm. Definitely turned to the unhealthy relationship in my own romantic life. Yeah. Can relate. I think so many of us have been there. And what you said about control is so interesting. That's been something I've been thinking about a lot lately, how, when we go through something traumatic in life, whatever it is, but, but you know, your parents' divorce or separation being included in that we tend to just never wanna repeat.
The chaos, cuz it feels chaotic. It feels crazy. It feels out of control and we never wanna repeat that. And so what happens is that we tend to want to control everything else in our life to, like you said, give us some semblance of stability. Ha, have you seen that play out in your life? Yeah, definitely. I think it was through that, that wanting to change this, this past story of my parents and their lives that led me to kind of turn back to this relationship and say, you know, I'm gonna.
Choose that this relationship's gonna be different. Like I'm gonna not have my parents' story. And so I'm gonna prove to everyone that I can do it. Like I can control the situation into being a healthy relationship that doesn't end in divorce. Hmm. When really, like, I. I wasn't in a position to control another person.
You can never control another person, but I also wasn't in a position to truly understand healthy relationships, but definitely had, yeah, a lot of control in that situation. And through that trauma. So many of us deal with the same thing. We wanna kind of rewrite the story of our parents' marriage of our families.
Thinking that, you know, maybe it's hard to understand it's some deep psychology, but maybe, you know, we can go down that path and then like you said, make it end differently. And man, it just never goes that way. But uh, in psychology that's called a repetition compulsion. I learned that from, uh, Dr. Julius Sadusky and in a previous episode.
And it's so fascinating. So you could have someone like a girl or a guy who maybe mom or dad cheated on their spouse and they never wanna do that. Right. They have this desire never to do that. But then years later, they start slipping down that path because you know, like you said, they have this idea that maybe I can make it different.
Maybe I can control it. Or maybe they're just too focused on that bad thing in their life. They're not focused on kind of what they're going after more of. More focused on what they're running from. And it's so fascinating to me, how that ends up happening, how someone who maybe hates some behavior like alcoholism or an affair can end up going down that same path.
And you know, of course there's biological things involved too. I'm not trying to reduce it to just psychological, but, uh, it's, it's fascinating to me. Isn't that? Isn't that interesting? Yeah, definitely. And I feel like that's been something that I has actually been healing for me is to learn more. That as well as like kind of generational wounds, I think like that idea of, yeah.
That maybe there was. A divorce. Like you can see sometimes divorce happens within families. Like, yeah, my mom is a child of divorce as well. So just like these things that are within the families that we all dislike, like we can all say like, oh, I don't like this part of my family's history. Like, I don't wanna have this happen yet.
It ends up being a part of our stories. And I'm a friend believer that we are not our parents. Like we are not destined to make the same mistakes, but somehow yeah, there is something that like history repeats of itself a little bit. And so I. Something that's been so healing for me is to learn more about it and learn more about my parent or yeah, my parents' wounds and the wounds that were from their parents that were given to them and yeah.
Has led to a lot of self-awareness. But then also I can, a lot of forgiveness, I can understand where they're coming from and the hurt that they've experienced. Hmm. And that's led you down a different path. Yeah, definitely. And led me. A path to, yeah. And I don't think that now I'm like secure a hundred percent not gonna make the same mistakes, but can at least pinpoint them and not blame people or be resentful, have more understanding for them.
Compassion. Yeah. No, I think that's huge. And I think really that is the first step in healing is the awareness, because then we can go down to different path, but it is a journey and it's something I think that. Sadly, we'll always kind of have in the back of our minds. Um, I, I know that's true, you know, in, in my case with the breakdown in my parents' marriage, like I'm, I'm afraid of getting divorced and I know I'm very confident that will never happen and I'm doing things to prevent it, but I still have fear and I think that it may never go away and that's kind of sad, but I think we need to learn to master those fears instead of, you know, letting them control.
Yeah, definitely. I think it is a part of our story and a part that will play into our future relationships and future life decisions. But I think that's the beauty of life is that it, it doesn't have to be negative. Like doesn't ha just cuz that I also may always have that fear of having a divorce myself doesn't mean that it has to be a negative thing of like, oh, this is something that I'll have to live with.
Like it is sad, but it also then. Because I have that fear, it's led me to learn more about marriage and learn more about forgiveness and be able to apply those things. And like you said, it's a journey. I'm not have mastered them now in these two years of post divorce, but definitely has led me to have my story.
Be. Redemptive in a lot of ways and be more passionate about healthy marriages. That's beautiful. And I've, you know, been wrestling this with this stuff for 15 years since my parents, uh, separated a little more now. And, uh, yeah, I can say that, that there comes a point and I could tell you've already been there where you are faced with this brokenness in your past, this brokenness in your own.
and you have to make a decision. You have to decide, am I just gonna resign to it? Am I gonna let this control me? Control my future, control my marriage, my relationships, my career, all, all those areas of our lives. Or am I gonna do something about it? And I, I think it's really easy to fall into like a victim mentality thinking, oh man, you know, my family's broken.
Look at all these bad things that happened. And, and that's true. And we don't wanna make light of that. Like in, in very real ways, children of divorce are victims. But we're not meant to remain victims. And that's such a key point because if we don't switch our mindset from, you know, being a victim, to being a survivor to hopefully one day thriving, then we're always just gonna feel stuck and we're not made to feel stuck.
I definitely agree. And I think through people's stories they can learn to yeah. Actually be very grateful for their stories. Like mm-hmm I think that's something that's been huge for me is no, I'm not happy. My parents got divorced, but I. Grateful for yeah. All these lessons that I've learned. And so as much as if I could, in some way change, what happened with my parents and what happened in my life, I would, I would love to save myself and my sister from the suffering.
Um, as well as my parents from the suffering that they've endured in their lives. Mm-hmm but I am just something that I hope for is that we, goodness, more goodness can come from. Even though, ultimately I would've loved for us to never have experienced the pain that we have. Absolutely. Yeah. It can be redemptive and that's something, I think it's really hard when you're in the midst of, of mess in your family.
But if you think of any great movie, you don't judge the movie. By watching the first 20 minutes of it, or the first 30 minutes of it, you need to see the whole story. And of course in our lives, our, our lives are not a, you know, hour, two hour long movie. It, it spans much more time, but we can change. We can transform.
We can build, you know, a better life than what we had in the past, or maybe what we saw in our parents' marriage. And to me, that's so encouraging. That's so hopeful. Like I don't need to go down that same path. I can, I can go, uh, a different route. Yeah, that that's so hopeful. I wanna go back to one thing that you said.
I, I think the reason that we kind of go down the same path as our parents often is just the fact that we kind of repeat what we see around us. Like the people we surround ourselves with, which naturally is our family. When we're younger. Um, we kind of become like them. And I remember studying marketing cuz I, I did my MBA and did my finance degree in undergrad.
I remember studying how, um, in marketing, they, they pay attention to mirror neurons and these are neurons in our brains. That basically when we see something outside of us, we tend to like wanna do that thing. So for example, they, they give the example, like if you're watching a movie. and there's maybe some sort of an action scene.
Like you may kind of feel like, oh, I want, you know, I wanna do that thing. Or, you know, a simple thing. Like if someone on screen on a TV drinks, water, you'll, you'll start thinking, oh gosh, I'm actually thirsty. I would need to drink water, something like that. And so I think it's, uh, it's even written into our biology that we tend to repeat what's around us, which.
Brings us to the point that it's so important to surround yourself with good people, the people that you wanna be like, especially marriages that you wanna emulate. And that's something that were huge proponents of ReSTOR is just surrounding yourself with those, those marriages, those people that can really help you to grow.
And I think I can attest to that as well. When I was in college, I had the. Good fortune of meeting a young woman who was a nurse and married and living out her faith in a way that I wanted to live. And I wasn't. And so I was like, I wanna have all those three things. And so, um, it's very beautiful how the Lord has guided me in that.
And that's something that's part of my. Journey is yeah, just the Lord being part of my life, but, um, beautiful. I didn't become a nurse, but I hopefully have learned way more than I thought I would learn from this married woman and to her husband and their marriage. And now they're children. And so. Yeah, he, I just didn't go out seeking that.
I didn't go to college thinking I need to find a married couple to be around. Like, definitely not. I think in college, at least my experience like seeing a married couple was kind of weird. I don't know. It's not normal to have just married people hanging around colleges, but, um, I'm very fortunate that I was able to meet them and yeah.
Going into college, I never would've imagined my parents getting divorced either. So just how those things like. Like just came into my life without me necessarily seeking them out. But I have definitely learned so much from them. I think there's been times where I was like, there's just something I don't understand.
Like I don't get how it's working for them and I just don't get it. . And so that just had led me. It's a lot of frustration and just not understanding and thinking I should. I'm like, I should just know these things, but like you said, it wasn't something. Was around me and my upbringing. And I thought it was like, my parents were married when I was growing up.
Like I thought that was enough. And, and sometimes. It was enough to show me like the commitment, but there's more that needed to learn, obviously. So mm-hmm yeah, it's definitely very beautiful that I was able to encounter this married couple. Yeah, no, that's awesome. And I can relate with that frustration too.
I have a couple couples, a few couples who I just look up to so much. They just have such beautiful marriages. And I remember, you know, spending time with them, you know, knowing what I came from, I was like, is this. Like, are they putting on a show like seriously? Are they wearing a mask? Is this kind of just a performance for their kids or for visitors or something like that?
But the more I got to know them, the more I understood, like, no, this is so genuine. Like, like they really love each other. It doesn't mean they don't fight. It doesn't mean they don't argue. It doesn't mean that they don't, you know, have struggles, but man, they just love each other so much. And they're just so committed to working through whatever, uh, comes down the road.
Yeah. And I thought it was very beautiful too, like that I've learned is like, they actually. Like being around each other, like they, they actually talk, they actually like share their lives together. And I think that was something that was kinda, yeah. And new to me, like this concept of just, yeah, actually like being friends and delighting in one another.
And so that's something that. Yeah, you don't really know about people until you live life close by one another mm-hmm . And so it's such a gift to be around other married couples as a children of tours. Yeah, totally. So anyone listening, if you've never heard that advice, we say it a lot on this show, but try to find a couple.
I mean, maybe you already know one. Um, but if, if you don't find a couple who you look up to, who, who you respect and see if you can start building a relationship, maybe with one of the spouses and, uh, and then eventually perhaps you can open up to them and say, Hey, I come from a broken home. I really admire your marriage.
Would you be okay with me? You know, spending time with you or kind of mentoring me to so I can one day build the same and it's been again, so healing for me, like Emily said, it's been healing for her too. So we, we highly recommend it. We could talk about that all day, but I wanna keep moving. Uh, you already touched on this a little bit, but how did you see your parents' divorce affect you in the years that followed.
Again, you mentioned some things, but was there anything else? Yeah, I think, yeah, it led me to, um, a few unhealthy decisions in my personal romantic life, but it also has led me to dive deeper. As I've mentioned, a few other things that I has just led me to yes. Seek healing and radical way. And part of the ways that I've encountered that is through yeah.
They're ReSTOR. Yeah, ministry as well as just the, the Facebook group that ReSTOR has, has been so beautiful for me. I think I was like one of the first people of the signup. Yeah. But you were, um, and yeah, it's been so beautiful and it's beautiful how technology can work, especially in the time we can see this last year, how technology has been very wonderful, but there's an aspect of like yearning for more.
And so through the yearning for more. I was able to just ask the hard questions of people around me, of especially women around me. Like, I think there's a few people in my life where I was like, I thought their parents had been divorced or I'd heard of it, but I wasn't quite sure. So I kind of went out on a leap of faith and just like asked people like, Hey, are your parents like divorced?
Like, so this is a weird question and was able to get a group together and just have like an in person, group of, of women. that just shared our stories and yeah, there's so much healing that can happen. Without specifically dressing the divorce that you can find. But I think there's just a more beautiful, like we have this wound sometimes of being told, like, we shouldn't talk about it.
Like everyone's parents are divorced, you don't need to talk about it. Like, but just having the freedom to be able to talk about it and just have someone hear you and say like, I don't really exactly with every part of your story, but my parents also were divorced when I was out of the house or my parents also were divorced when I was very, very young or whatever it may be.
Being able to come together and just be heard and seen in, it has just been very healing for me, um, in the last few years. That's amazing. And I, I agree. I think that offline community is so important too. And I haven't talked to you about this before, but we that's been something that we've been. Talking about a little bit of ReSTOR is taking the community offline and, you know, starting groups here and there.
So I'd love to talk to you more about that off of the show, but yeah, I think, I think can be super useful. And, uh, something that I've benefited from too is, you know, the technology, like you said is good, but it only goes so far. And so we really need to, to go deeper and, uh, doing an in person thing, I think can, can be real helpful.
So that's something on our list and, uh, it actually came from your feedback as well. So, uh, thank you. For sure. How, how did you cope? How did you cope with the pain that came from the breakdown in your family? Uh, talk about maybe the healthy ways and the unhealthy ways. Yeah, I think unhealthily starting with that um, I mm-hmm
I reacted pretty poorly. I would say. I mean, it's hard it's I wrestle with whether it was poorly or whether it was not, cuz it has like me to where I am now, but I was very reactive right away. Um, like anything that would happen, I was very vocal about it. I was very angry. And I let that show because I think it was definitely built up over the last few years.
And mm-hmm , I just knew how UN unhealthy would be told in all the emotions that being said, maybe exploding with them. Wasn't very good either, but that is just something that I did and yeah, I, I found. Yeah. A lot of people, like a lot of children, dunno how to react and feel like they should be silent about it.
And then their parents are like, oh, they're doing well. Like they're doing all these things are super, they're doing great. It's like, no, they're not. They're just not showing you all the ways in which they're struggling. And I opted for just showing people all the ways that I was struggling and being very vocal about it and yeah, made a lot of mistakes through that, but also very grateful that I was able to like, Let it all be said and heard, and then now be able to not hold these things that I was mad about and have them already be talked about.
So that was one way that I coped for sure. And another way is yeah, seeking counseling. I think that's something I'm super passionate about and advocate about is just, yeah. Being able to allow someone to hear you and. An explanation for the things like you were talking about, um, some of the psychology, like that's so freeing to me to be like, yes, this is, you're not alone in how you feel.
This is something that we are somewhat wired to feel like we're wired to feel a little now, like unsteady now that. Your foundation of a family is broken. It's like, oh, thank you for, for someone to tell me that was just very freeing. So counseling is huge, has been a huge part of my coping over the last few years as well.
That's so good. Yeah. It's the, the understanding, the awareness is kind of hard to communicate to someone who maybe hasn't been there and experienced it, but it's so healing. It's so helpful. Like you said, for someone to kind of step into your story and say, Hey, what you've been through it isn't right. You know, it's kind of, it's pretty messed up actually.
And you know, what you're feeling is actually really normal for someone who's been through that experience. And, you know, just someone who can offer us new information and give us some. Tips and skills on, on how to deal with it. It can just be so helpful. And like you, I'm a huge proponent of counseling too.
I've done five, six years of it. And, uh, man, it, it has helped me in so many ways to, to heal and to cope. Like you said, mm-hmm yeah. And the, and the resources too, from our story is huge, like huge aspect of that too. I'm not seeing an actual counselor or therapist has been helpful in something that I've done, but I've done also a.
Of research, a lot of Googling of like, that's what led me to restore. There's a lot of just like searching my story and looking for some other people to connect. And so through the stories of, of restored in the blogs and reading them and understanding that someone knows that I'm going through and has had a parent who struggled with the same things my parents have struggled with has been so huge.
And then yeah, connecting through the Facebook page of, with other people in a like real lifetime. Situation like there's healing for the past, but then also like an aspect of divorce is that it's a open wound, always. Like there's always something new happening. And so having that community to be able to talk to when something is happening right now is also very, very helpful.
Absolutely. And for anyone not familiar, maybe you're listening for the first time we have an online community, uh, where people it's a basically right now it's a, a Facebook group group, a private Facebook group, or anyone, a teenager, a young adult who comes from a broken family can speak freely about what they're dealing with, the pain and the problems, but also be challenged to grow and maybe offer their insight when other people are dealing with certain things.
And it's been awesome to see just. Chip in and, you know, support each other and give advice. And, uh, there there's just so much value in a community as opposed to maybe one person just saying, Hey, do this. And so, uh, that that's, uh, on Facebook, I'll tell you guys about that at the end. If you are interested in joining.
Uh, we we'd love to have you let's uh, let's continue on, uh, what, what are like two or three things that have helped you heal the most? I'm sure this overlaps with the coping mechanisms that you talked about, like counseling, but what are some things that have really helped you heal? Yeah, I would definitely say, um, the, the reality is there's a lot of bad advice out in the world, but yeah, through the good community, having.
People recommend good advice and good books. Like I love reading. Um, and so learning more about forgiveness and marriage, like specifically what's been helpful for me is like being a person of faith, like learning more about what my faith actually teaches about marriage has been huge because yeah, there's a lot said, but like, what is the actual truth is hard or what is actually successful has been.
Like what actually works, like all this advice, like, okay, there's a lot out there, but what actually helps create a lasting marriage or lasting relationships? Um, what actually sets my heart free to forgive and to have a healthy relationship in the future has been huge. Something I definitely recommend and yeah, just sharing my story has been huge.
I. Yeah. There's a lot of parts in my life where I was like, I am never gonna share that with anyone or I'm never gonna yeah. Expose myself in those ways. Like, I'm never, I'm not gonna leave myself open to criticism or allow someone to know my deepest thoughts or yeah. Mistakes, but just in a. Prudent way, like sharing what I've experienced has just been so healing, but also beautiful to see how healing it is for other people.
Like so many times have I heard like, yeah, I've experiencing the same exact thing and I would never have shared if you didn't. And so, yeah, it's just beautiful how that. Is so true and how we're so wired and like conditioned to believe the lie that if we share, we won't be received well and like not, not good things will happen, but really if you find the right people, like don't get me wrong.
There's maybe not right. Times are people to share with, but the right people in situations. It can be so freeing and healing for both parties, all parties. So those are, yeah. Some things that have really helped me. Absolutely. No, I love that. And I've seen that play out in my life too, so I can totally relate just, it takes courage though, for that first person, someone needs to like, say something if it's in a group environment.
Um, but you're right. Finding the right people and talking about it has, has been helpful for me. And we've, I've seen it in other people's lives, who we've worked with through ReSTOR too. So that, that's an awesome thing. It's a great tip for anyone. Listening as well. And there's so many things, I think that happen in life where we maybe don't understand them in the moment.
Um, then eventually we became, become very ashamed that we maybe fell into that vice, or we did this bad thing and then we continue on and we think that we're broken and were flawed in an air repairable way. And, you know, to everyone listening, the difference between guilt and shame is guilt is says, basically I did something bad.
I did something wrong and that's a good, healthy thing. Shame is where I, because of that, I think I am wrong. I am bad. I'm permanently flawed. And one of the things that that does, like you said, is it keeps us hidden. And when we say hidden, when we don't talk about the thing that is on our heart, the thing that we're struggling with, the shame grows bigger and bigger and bigger, which prevent us, prevents us from talking about it, which is the one thing that's actually gonna bring healing.
And so we just get stuck in this cycle, but like you said, when we start to be vulnerable, when we start to open up to other people and say, Hey, this is what I'm dealing with. Not only does it defeat our own shame, thinking that, you know, again, we're irreparably broken. But it also helps other people to overcome their shame and shame, I think is the greatest barrier to healing.
It's just insane. And Brene brown has done a lot of research on that and she talks about like vulnerability, power vulnerability, but yeah. Ha have you seen that to be true in your life? Yeah, definitely. I love BNE brown and that teaching is so. Freeing to learn. And, and I really, I think it's so freeing for all parties involved when it comes to divorce.
Like, like I said, like learning more about my parents' wounds has been helpful and to realize, like, not to shame my parents and, and like, I don't wanna cause guilt, but like, recognizing if they're upset with me for acknowledging my feelings under saying, I'm not trying to shame them, but if they feel guilty like that, isn't my intention.
I do by sharing my story. I'm not in no way trying to shame anyone, but if there's guilt there that I don't need to feel like I can have that freedom to still still share my story without trying to shame anyone. But if guilt is involved, then they can wrestle with that and hopefully find healing. So likewise, with, with children of divorce, recognizing.
to not put shame on ourselves or others, but if guilt is involved to help that be a moving force to find more healing and more freedom. That's an excellent point. I think it speaks to so many people where they're at right now, because like you said, we are afraid of causing that guilt or perhaps even some shame that's not intended, like you said, but, uh, that can come up in our parents.
If we were to speak the truth about how, uh, their decisions, their marriage, their divorce has affected us. And. It's it's a tough spot to be in. I, I can totally relate to that, but it it's an important to, you know, just know, obviously there's a right way to do it. Like you said, that that's a great point.
We're gonna be producing some content around that, by the way, to how to share your story properly, because there's definitely some ways to not do it properly. And, uh, and so we're gonna be producing some content around that, but it it's huge. And I wanna go back to one thing that you said before, and that is kind of you acting out as a reaction to the breakdown of your family and man, that's so common.
Um, I, I, we've seen two reactions and the psychology backs us up to, to, uh, to trauma basically, or, or to shame one is kind of to hold everything inside and make sure everything on the outside looks perfect. Like flawless. Like you couldn't tell a thing that something was wrong and that's, I would say most children of divorce, but then there's also, and this can come into everyone's story at certain points, people who kind of wear it on their sleeves.
And, um, in a way I actually think that's healthier. So I wanna affirm you in that cuz I think it can be like we talked about with the shame, it can be so damaging to hide things, to keep it from everyone. And then you just, there's this big divide between, you know, who people think you are and who you actually are.
And so, um, yeah, that we've seen both of those reactions, but one of the things that, that I've learned as well is if we don't find an outlet for our frustration, someone to talk to some way, a healthy way to take it out, uh, it often comes out in anger. It's actually a really, really common thing. And so there's nothing, if that's you right now listening, there's nothing to be ashamed of with that.
That's actually really normal. And so just wanna make sure you know, that you're not alone, that's a normal experience and you shouldn't be ashamed of that. And so finding those healthy ways, like Emily saying to, to heal to cope, I, I think is just so important. Yeah, definitely agree with that. And.
Recognizing anger is in, in some ways justified and not anger, maybe towards a person, maybe at the time. That was where I think I was wrong was that I took it out in the wrong ways towards my parents specifically, but recognizing my anger is at the situation. My anger is at what led us to this point. And maybe I am frustrated with the decisions that people have made, but it's the decisions that I'm angry about.
My parents, like not them. And that's like the difference between shame and guilt is like, yeah, I had no intention of having my frustration be at the identity of my parents, cuz I want to honor that, but maybe I am frustrated with their actions and just even making that distinction has been so helpful for me to properly still express my frustration or my emotions, but in a healthy way.
No, that's awesome. That's a great distinction. And, uh, yeah, I, I think we, we have to let our feel, we have to let ourselves feel our feelings. And I think so often we just like stuff them away and ignore them or avoid them. And they're just gonna come out again. It's like holding, you know, beach ball underwater.
It's just kind of pop to the surface eventually. And so I, I'm glad, you know, you you're wise beyond your years to be able to. Uh, recognize that and start working on it. Was there anything else that helped you to, to heal that you wanted to add? Yeah, I mean like good community. Good. I think, I mean, I guess a huge thing would be just pushing through the hardest parts of whether that be that frustration or whether that be the.
I know I've heard a lot of people, like not even knowing how to feel or like thinking they're okay. And pushing through that to like, not to like, I guess that's my thing is like, I'm the reactive one. So when I encounter people who are more like have maybe pushed things down, it seems like I'm saying like, no, be angry, but I'm not trying to pull things up if you have healed them.
But I want to actually. Make sure that they're healed. And so having that freedom to. Feel, or if you're in a spot of maybe not feeling anything to like push through that and like continue to wrestle has just been huge. Like there's so many times where I thought I was like so far from being healed or receiving healing in one area and I still am.
It's still a journey. But then like before I knew it, I would look back and see how parts of my story don't hurt as much as I did before and actually have become stronger. Like I said, That awareness of how marriage is and how relationships are like being able to be stronger in some ways than I would ever would've been without the divorce or other parts of my story.
So yeah, just pushing through is like a huge thing that I would advocate for. That's great advice cuz when you're in it, it can be really hard. You think there's no end to it, but basically you're saying there is an end it to, to certain things. And if you keep pushing forward, you're gonna find the answer.
You're gonna find the solution. You're gonna find the healing. Mm. Yeah. You mentioned that healing is a journey. Couldn't agree more, obviously. You're still on that journey. I am too. But how, how is your life different now that you've healed and, and grown? I would say my life is in so many ways more like, I feel more alive, I would say.
Yeah, there was so many ways that I was blind to. I was weak, blind to ways that I didn't know healthy life, but through, through all of the struggles that I've endured, like being able to be more passionate about healthy relationships and then seek that. And, um, and like not just romantic relationships, like friendships and with, with my parents or with other people that like truly relationships is what we're all yearning for.
And so just being able to have a more healthy outlook on them, um, more awareness of them has been able to allow me to have like what I've been looking for, what everyone's looking for, which is relationship. And so to have that more and have it more alive has just been ways in which yeah. I've just grown a lot and had a lot more freedom in.
That's amazing. I think the experience can be compared to almost like having, uh, you know, a photo that's kind of like gray scale. Like you, it's all gray. And then eventually when you, you kind of deal with some of the stuff in your life, when you start healing, when you start coping in healthy ways, instead of unhealthy ways, you start to see life in color.
It's not all gray. It starts to become more beautiful. You start to enjoy things again. I know that was true for me, cuz it can just be so hard and depressing. When you're in the midst of it, but I love that you said, feel more alive. That that's what we want for everyone. And that's what, you know, I want in my life.
And I know you do. And so that, that's so beautiful that that's been the result of your healing. And I, I'm so confident in you. And I know that you're gonna just continue down this journey and help a lot of people along the way to, to experience that same freedom. Yeah. Thank you so much. I'm yeah. So grateful for all that you're doing and all that you've done and how it's impacted my story.
Definitely for the. Absolutely. And just thank you for the feedback. I, we listen so much to the people in our community and the people who interact with us. And so you've played a big role in like really shaping what restored is becoming, cuz we've only scratched the surface. So thank you. Too. Yeah, you're welcome.
You, you touched on this, uh, already, but I just wanna give you a chance to, to talk about anything else that, that you would like to, and that is, you know, how have you seen the effects of your parents' divorce, um, affect your dating relationships and, and you know, how maybe you would think it will affect your future marriage.
Haven't experienced positive dating yet in my life. Like I have gone through a lot of. Just my own brokenness, my own wounds, my own vices, but very much like have been taking this time in college to, I think yeah. Distance myself from dating. Um, just because. also our culture. I think our culture sets us up for failure.
I mean, I'm, I know that it sets us up for failure when it comes to dating. And so just taking that distance from it and being able to say, what do I want out of dating? What actually will help me have a healthy relationship. Whether I marry this person or whether I don't marry this person has been huge.
And so. Then in the future of actually dating, I hope to be able to implement those as imperfectly as I will do. And then in my, yeah, in my marriage, just to, to parent, I think my biggest thing is I want to then from that marriage from all that I've learned, be able to then parent well has, is like, Something that I really would love to do and parent together not be alone in it, obviously.
And yeah. And, and I think a huge thing is like have marriage and family within a community of other married and family, people married. Married people with families cuz that's something that was, I think lacking in my life is I didn't have other close families around me. Mm. And so like being able to learn together as, um, families and as married couples, just because there's ways in which we're all blind, we all have blind spots.
And so being able to. Yeah, learn and grow together. So community is huge. Yeah, absolutely. Isolation just destroys people, destroys marriages. And I, I think that's probably a common theme in so many marriages is that they were isolated in one way or another. You know, maybe they did have a lot of friends around them, but maybe they didn't bring them into the struggles that they were dealing with or open up and, you know, maybe get some feedback, some help, some support.
So, yeah, I, I love that. That you wanna build a structure around you that would support your marriage and support you in being a good parent. Definitely look forward to it. We'll see how it all plays out. Yeah. Well, we're here for you. We're on this journey with you and just honored to, to be able to, to serve you.
I wanna close out by just asking you, what advice, what encouragement would you give to, to someone who is listening right now who feels broken? Who feels stuck in life and you know, is going through a lot of the things that you went through because of the breakdown in their family, their parents' divorce or separation.
What encouragement, what advice would you give them? Yeah, I think I would definitely encourage people to, yeah. I think in my darkest moments, I deeply deeply from like, believe it's like I was alone and that nobody understood. And I'd say as a childhood divorce, recognizing there are people around you that do feel the way that you do, even if they don't have your exact story and that even if people around you, aren't children of divorce, they have other sufferings in their lives that they can share with you.
Like, can you guys can help each other out? But also like not to shy away from people who aren't children of divorce, because they can shine a light in worries that maybe you thought was healthy and normal, but actually wasn't. And that sometimes is super painful to be like, oh, I didn't know that that was really unhealthy.
And that's all that I've ever known, but to be able to like, have them love you through it and. To, to show you what healthy looks like has been something that was really helpful. And yeah, like I said, just pushing through all the ugly parts. There's a lot of ugly parts, but it it's what leads you to a more.
Healthy part. Like when you look at an actual wound, like one it's like the few days after, and you still have stitches, like, it looks kind of ugly, but you push through and then you'll still have a scar too. Like we've talked about like, it's still part of our story, but it doesn't have to be all negative.
It can lead to like a healthier and more passionate about, about like marriage and family in the future. So that's probably my encourage. Beautiful. How can people connect with you if they want to, uh, talk with you or follow up about this? Yeah, I mean, I'm not super on technology these days, but I do have Instagram I'm on the Facebook group.
That's probably the biggest one. If you guys are interested in the Facebook group, I love being a part of that sounds great. No, and we'll, uh, we'll throw those in the show notes for you guys. And like I said, I'll tell you about the community. If you wanna join that afterward, Emily, it's been such a pleasure.
It's been an honor. Um, knowing you and knowing your story and just walking with you through the, the challenging times you've been through, but also seeing you grow and thrive. It's been so inspiring, honestly, when you know, I see someone like you, who. You've been through a lot. You've struggled. You've made mistakes.
I've been there too, but you're growing, you're getting better. You're getting stronger and you know, you're gonna go on and you're gonna live an awesome life. And so I just, yeah. So honored to interview you, so honored to, for you to share your story with ReSTORs, uh, podcast listeners. And just, yeah, so grateful to, to have you on and grateful that you're a part of our store.
Yeah. Thank you so much for the opportunity. Very grateful to be able to share with everyone, my story and encourage others to share as well.
I really enjoyed that solid conversation with Emily. Two quick things for you. You can join resorts online community. Like I mentioned, it's a free private, online community. Some of the benefits, it just gives you a safe place to speak openly about the pain and the problems that you face. If you're someone who comes from a divorce or a separated family, it'll also help you not feel so alone.
You'll be able to relate with the other people in the community as well. And you'll be challenged too, to grow into a better, stronger person. It's really simple to join the community. You can just go to restored ministry. Dot com slash community. Again, that's restored ministry ministries to singular.com/community on that page.
Just fill out the form and then we'll add you to the group. It's as simple as. Like Emily, if you'd like to share your story with restored, we'd love to hear it. We'd be honored to hear it. And it's really simple to do. And I'll tell you how to do that in a second, but some of the benefits of sharing your story, it's actually one of the steps to healing.
Reflecting on your story is actually healing for your brain on a neural biological level. And there's been studies that have shown too, that people who write about emotionally significant events in their. Are less depressed. They're less anxious. They're happier, they're healthier. And if you take it a step further and share your story with someone else like we do through the ReSTOR blog, that's extra healing, it's healing again on a neurobiologic level for your brain.
And one of the other benefits that maybe doesn't just help you, but helps other people, is that anyone who's going through something similar that you are can really look to your story for hope, for some guidance that can get some advice. From you. And Emily mentioned that too, how she, you know, read through some of the stories on the restored blog.
And so that's a, a huge benefit as well. And to share your story again, it's simple. Just go to restored ministry.com/story again, restored ministry. Dot com slash story. Just fill out that form. The form will guide you in telling a short version of your story, and then we'll turn it into an anonymous blog article, uh, that you can share with whoever you want.
And so we'd love to hear your story. If you wanna share with us, the resources mentioned during the show notes ever stored ministry.com/ 35. Again. Restore ministry.com/three five. Thanks so much for listening. We do this for you. If this has been useful for you, please share this episode with someone, you know, who could use it.
Go ahead and subscribe, and always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
