#021: How to Build Love That Lasts: The 5 Love Languages
Most couples experience love fading at some point, usually after the wedding. They long for love that lasts, but they doubt it is possible. And even if it were, they don't know how to build it.
The 5 Love Languages are a simple and effective tool for building real love. They're so simple, they're often overlooked. In this episode, you'll hear how the 5 Love Languages help you:
Make your significant other feel loved
Build deeper intimacy
Create a more satisfying relationship
Start using the 5 Love Languages today
Plus, enter our random giveaway to win the book The 5 Love Languages! We’re giving away three. Details at the end of the episode.
Buy the Book
Links & Resources
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
Books & Research:
The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study
[Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links above, your purchase will support Restored at no extra cost to you. Thank you!]
Follow Dr. Gary Chapman
Website: 5LoveLanguages.com
Enjoy the show?
To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.
TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
So many couples feel like love has just disappeared from their relationship. And this usually happens at some point after the wedding. And when you mix that with the divorce rate, the reality of divorce in our country and our world, we often wonder, can love even last. And if it can, how do we do that?
How do we make love less? And if you're like me, you know, if your parents are separat or divorced, divorce terrifies you, I I'm so afraid of getting divorced. I don't wanna get divorced and I don't want a mediocre marriage and maybe you're there right now. Maybe you're in a relationship that's really struggling.
And, and if that's the case, I want you to know that there's some real help for you here in this podcast episode today, we're gonna be talking about the five love languages, and these are really secrets or hacks to relationships. And I don't say that lightly, right? I'm not trying to make this sound phony.
These are real. Secrets to building lasting love. And I think most of you listening have probably heard of the five love languages. Maybe you've read the book, maybe you've taken the test, or maybe you just know about it from talking, uh, to people. And my question for you is, do you really understand it's power?
And more than that, Are you living it, are you living it in your relationships? And I know some of you listening, you've never heard of the five leveling inches and I'm really excited for you because there's so much good stuff in this book that we're gonna dive into in this episode. And just so many practical tips on how to build love that lasts and whatever side of the coin that you're on.
Idea, right. The five love languages is really gonna help transform your relationship. So by listening, you're gonna get a lot of things. Uh, first you're gonna learn to love your significant other in a way that they want you to love them in a way that makes them feel loved. You'll understand them much better when learning about the five love languages.
And most importantly, you're gonna learn to start using. These tips and all this is gonna result in deeper intimacy, a more satisfying relationship, not only for them, but also for you. And one of the most beautiful things is your spouse. Your significant other is just gonna feel so much more secure in your love.
And if you're like me and you're a busy person too, one of the benefits of listening this and the podcast is that you don't need. Buy the book and sit down and read it. We're gonna give you the core concepts, you know, in this episode. So you don't need to get the audio book for example, and listen to it for five hours.
We're gonna give you kind of the, the main stuff, boil it down without watering it down. Now, if you're in a relationship where you're really struggling, right? Maybe you're in a marriage where you're really struggling, you feel like you and your spouse are just on totally different pages, right? You don't feel loved.
And maybe you're in such a rough spot that you're considering a divorce. Hear me out, this is going to help you. This is going to help you give this a shot and on a personal note, learning these five love languages has been extremely powerful for me. It's really changed the way that I see and love people in my dating relationships in the past and my marriage now, but also my friendships, my siblings, my family, my parents, uh, it's really helped across the board.
And it's helped me to understand and to love my wife in a way. That she feels loved and don't be fooled. I haven't mastered that I'm still working on it, but, uh, but so much good stuff here. And like I said, it really feels like a relationship hack. And so if any of that sounds useful to you. Keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you cope, heal, and. From the trauma of your parents' divorce or separation. So you can feel hold again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 21, and as you may know, we're in the middle of our love and relationship series. The research shows that the biggest effects from our parents' divorce are experienced.
In our romantic relationships. And you may be thinking, why is that? Basically because we don't have a roadmap for love, right? We've seen a broken model of love and marriage. And so when it's our turn, we feel lost and we struggle in numerous ways in our relationships. And so we're bringing you a roadmap for love, actionable tips and expert advice.
On how to find and build authentic love. And today, of course, like I mentioned, we're talking about the book, the five love languages, the secret to love that lasts. And we're just gonna boil down the content in the book, give you kind of the main ideas and main concepts, kinda like a, a book review may have seen on, on YouTube and along the way, I'll share some stories and my thoughts on it as well.
And, uh, one of the most important things is we're gonna talk about how you actually live this. Right. We're gonna give you practical advice on implementing this in your relationships right away. And towards the end, I'll tell you about, uh, random book giveaway we're doing so we'll give away three of these books, the five love languages.
So listen to the end to hear about how to enter for that. The first thing, you're probably wondering if you've never heard of this is what are the five love languages. And these are just five unique ways that people receive love, and I'm gonna list 'em off and then we're gonna get into each of them in more depth in a little bit.
The first one is words of affirmation, words of affirmation. The second one. Acts of service, the third receiving gifts, the fourth quality time and the fifth physical touch. And like the title suggests each is its own language. And each language has different dialects or different ways of expressing.
Similar things. And so we're gonna dive into each and more depth. But before we get into that, the five love languages were developed by Dr. Gary Chapman. He's an author, a speaker, and a marriage counselor, and he's worked with hundreds of couples to develop and test these concepts over the years. And he has a really popular radio show, a popular podcast, and he's actually sold more than 10 million.
Of these books and he's helped so many couples along the way, even couples who were just on the brink of divorce or just were really in a rough spot in their relationships. I wanna read you one thing that he says in the book that really is just gonna set up our entire conversation. He said, I believe that our deepest emotional need.
Is the need to feel loved. If we're married, the person we would most like to love us is our spouse. If we feel loved by our spouse, the whole world is bright and life is wonderful. On the other hand, if we feel rejected or ignored, The world begins to look dark. Most couples get married when they still have the euphoric feelings of being in love.
When the euphoric feelings evaporate sometime after the wedding and the couple's differences begin to emerge, they often find themselves in conflict with no positive plan for resolving conflicts. They resort to speaking harshly to each other. Harsh words, create feelings. Disappointment and anger, not only do the husband and wife feel unloved, but they also begin to resent each other.
In the context of marriage, he goes on to say, if we do not feel loved, our differences are magnified. We come to view each other as a threat to our happiness. We fight for self self-worth and significance. And marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a Haven. And at one point in the book, he just talks about how, if we don't fill that need.
To, to feel loved, to be loved. Then we often seek it out in unhealthy ways. We seek it out somewhere else, for example, by having an affair by cheating on our spouse. And so it is so, so important to, to get this right. And so the five love languages really helps couples to understand why they may have lost those romantic feelings and how emotional love can actually be reignited in their relationship.
But we're not just talking about infa. Right that obsession that usually comes at the beginning of a relationship, but we're talking about a real love, a deep intimacy that you can have in your marriage. You can have in your relationship that lasts for a very long time. One of the main concepts that Dr.
Chapman talks about in the book is the metaphor of an emotional love tank. He says that, you know, inside each child is an emotional tank waiting to be filled with love. And when the child feels loved, the tank is filled and the child develops normally. But when the tank is empty, says. The child acts out.
And I think this is so true for children of divorce, kind of varying away from relationships for a second here. He tells the story in the book of Ashley. Now, Ashley was only 13 when she was being treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Her parents were crushed and, uh, Dr. Chapman said, In my conversation with Ashley, she told me of her parents' divorce when she was six years old, she said, I thought my father left because he didn't love me.
When my mother remarried, when I was 10, I felt she now had someone to love her, but I still had no one to love me. I want so much to be loved. I met this boy at school. He was older than me, but he liked me. I couldn't believe it. He was kind to me. In a while. I really felt he loved me. I didn't wanna have sex, but I wanted to be loved what a beautiful desire just to want to be loved.
And I think so many of our struggles as children of divorce really come from an empty love tank. If that's true for children, it's also true in our relationships. When problems occur often, the root of those struggles is just an empty love tank. And Dr. Chapman says, I'm convinced that no single area of marriage affects the rest of marriage.
As much as meeting the emotional need. For love. And I, I think we forget this so often we try to solve the symptoms in our relationships and not the root cause. This brings me back to a time when my wife and I were going to marriage counseling and, uh, you know, we were dealing with some issues we were kind of, but heads and just a lot of conflict, a lot of, um, unrest in our marriage.
And, uh, and so we go to counseling and I'm gonna give you guys a tip. That's gonna save you a few hundred dollars here when we went. You know, having done counseling in the past, having, you know, read about psychology and all that I expected. The counselor to kind of give us some tactics on conflict resolution.
You know, when she says this, you say that, and don't say this and do that, all that. But I was surprised that he didn't take that approach instead of giving us those tactics. He instead wanted to know about really the health of our marriage overall. And he was, you know, asking questions like, okay, are you going out on dates regularly?
Are you spending time to. Really have deep conversations to really share, you know, your thoughts and your feelings with each other in a way that, you know, is not distracted by a TV or a phone and, and all these other questions, just trying to see, you know, is your marriage healthy at the core? And what he was trying to do is to get us to focus.
On really making the foundation of our marriage strong instead of trying to address every little crack in it. And it brought me back to, uh, a book that I read a while ago and actually rereading right now, it called the anatomy of peace. This book is all about building genuine peace in our relationships and in our world.
And one of the concepts in it is that we need to spend more energy making things go right than fixing things that have gone. So the counseling helped because we just started doing those simple things that would help us really to connect on a deep level and to develop that intimacy and kind of to our surprise, a lot of the problems that we were dealing with kind of disappeared, or they kind of worked themselves out.
We were able to handle them, uh, much better because our marriage was healthier. Our marriage was strong. And so when it comes to the emotional love tank, the goal of course, is to keep the love tank of our spouses, of our significant others filled. And then we can also help them learn how to fill ours, too.
We can teach them, we can request them, you know, do certain things to, to keep our emotional love tank filled. And you may be wondering, well, how do we do that? That's exactly what we're talking about in this episode about learning the love, languages, learning how to love them in a way that they want to be loved in a way that they.
Loved. And when we talk about the five level languages, we're really talking about how we or significant others receive love, but we, it also goes the other way too. We can talk about how we give love, because what I've found is, you know, we receive love in one way, but we also give love in, in another way and they could be different.
And we'll kind of get into that a little bit, but a couple things to know from the get go, you and. Significant others. Love languages are probably not the same. They, they might be, but they're probably not. And even if they are, you may have different dialects, different ways of expressing or different ways that you want, uh, people to love you.
And so, uh, it's important to, to just understand that. And often I think what happens in our relationships is that we try to love someone in the way that maybe we would feel loved. Think they want to be loved in reality, they may not be the way that they want to be loved. And so, um, you know, they may feel pretty empty that emotional love take may be pretty empty.
And it's almost as if you know, we're speaking English. and they speak Chinese and we're just completely missing each other because we're not loving in a way that they really understand in a way that makes 'em feel loved. So the first love language is words of affirmation and kind of in short, these are thoughtful or romantic or just kind words that make someone feel loved and they could be spoken.
They could be written. They've really affirmed the goodness. Of our spouse of our significant other as a person, as a partner. And they make them feel appreciated. They make them feel valued. And one of the easiest ways to, to do this is just to give compliments, right? Give them words that, build them up and it can be as simple as saying things like, Hey, you look great.
I really, you know, I like that dress or like that tie or, you know, you look really good today that that shirt looks really good on you. Whatever you can say, things like, I love your eyes. You're so good to me, you know, thank you for, for taking care of me. Thank you for taking care of the house. Thank you for planning our dates and these compliments, you know, they're endless, they can be direct or they can be indirect, you know, and by direct, I mean, they can be directly to them or they can be indirect where you compliment them, you know, to someone else, maybe you tell their friends or their family something good.
About them. And eventually, you know, it may make its way back to them, which is a really beautiful and powerful way to, to compliment someone. Dr. Chapman says verbal compliments are far greater motivators than knacking words. And in the book, he tells the story of a woman who, uh, who came to see him in his office.
And she, uh, she came into his office and, uh, she said, Dr. Chapman, I've got a problem. I can't get my husband to paint our bedroom. She said, I, I have, uh, been after him for nine months. I've tried everything I know, and I can't get him to paint it. And so Dr. Shaman, you know, talked with her a bit and he tried to understand like, okay, you know, what have you tried to do to get him to, to paint it?
And so she listed off some things and you know, most of them to be honest, were. Kind of, you know, nagging, uh, methods of getting him to, to do it. And he just wouldn't do it. He would just put other things ahead of it. Um, you know, like spending on time in the computer in this case. And so after talking with her for a little while, uh, he asked her a question.
He said, you know, does your husband ever do anything good? And. She thought about that for a little bit. And she said, yes, he does. He does some things good. Like, you know, taking out the garbage, putting gas in the car, you know, paying bills or, you know, going to the store, things like that. She didn't quite get it.
But Dr. Chapman went on to say that, okay. You know, you just told me that he knows that you want the bedroom painted. Uh, but, but he's not doing it. You know, you don't need to tell him that anymore. He knows it. He knows it. He knows it. And he said, what I want you to try is some kind of a different tactic that, you know, the next time your husband does anything good.
Anything, just give him a verbal compliment. You know, if he takes the garbage out, just think him for it. If he does the dishes, think him for it, give him a compliment, tell him, you know, he does that. Well, whatever, and, and, you know, kind of seems silly to the woman. She didn't quite understand how that was gonna get her bedroom painted, but, you know, she, she wasn't really happy with that advice, but she did it.
And three weeks later, she came back to his office and she said, It worked, you know, eventually she complimented her husband. She was just focused on kind of building him up and eventually he became motivated. He wanted to paint the bedroom for her. And so just back to what I said before, verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words.
The next way to, uh, to use words of affirmation is encouraging words. All of us feel insecure about certain. In our lives or about ourselves. And so to encourage someone really means to inspire them or to give them courage, to do whatever it is that they need to do, or, you know, to help them feel better about themselves.
And, you know, often this comes down to a skill or a talent, right. There may be some potential hidden inside of us, but we feel too insecure about, about it. And so when someone encourages us, they give us a compliment or they just say, Hey, you're gonna be great at this. It really helps draw out that potential in us.
And to do this, it. Requires empathy. Dr. Chapman says, and we need to see things from their perspective kind of step into their shoes. Another way, uh, to use words of affirmation is to give kind words. And what he was talking about here really is your tone of voice, right? There's some things where if you said them in a loving kind voice, They can be taken one way, but if you say them in really a mean degrading voice, they can be taken a totally different way.
So our tone of voice, the words that we use too really mean a lot. And so we need to pay attention to those things. And when it comes to fights, right, we're bumping heads. If there's conflict in our relationships, if we can have. The emotional intelligence to respond with kindness and really a desire to understand kind of what's underneath of the conflict for our spouse for a significant other.
We are gonna get so far in building a strong relationship than if we just try to win every time. And I'll be honest with you. This is something I'm still learning. And I, I have made some progress, but man, I, this is a struggle for me is really trying to understand and respond with kindness when my wife and I have a disagreement.
Another aspect of words of affirmation is humble words. So humble words. What he's getting at hair is. Just the, the requests that we make out of love, right? These aren't demands. This is not something we're forcing our spouse to do, forcing our boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance to do, but it's really something that we're asking them to do for us, because it would help us, right.
Maybe asking them to make us a meal or to, you know, give us some space when we get home from work, whatever, just requesting that in a really humble way goes, goes really, really far. And kind of the core idea of words of affirmation is that there's many ways to. Words of affirmation, right? There's many different dialects, but the main idea is just to affirm someone's goodness to build them up instead of tear them down and really to make them feel appreciated and make them feel valued.
And this is actually one of Bridget's top two love languages, the way that she really receives. Love. And when we were dating, because you know, all the feelings, it was really easy for me to do this, but in marriage I've realized that it's not as natural for me to, to say things, to give compliments, uh, as it was, when we were dating, when we were dating, I would write her letters.
I would, you know, have really kind. Romantic things to say to her, but I've realized now I'm not loving in that way as much as I should be. So it's something that I'm honestly trying to improve upon because it's more natural for me to love with acts of service and physical touch. And so I'm trying to learn a few things you can try to really love with words of affirmation.
Just make a list of positive things about your spouse or your significant other, if this really is not natural to you. Uh, one of the things Dr. Chapman recommends is. Writing on a post-it note and maybe putting it somewhere, uh, where you'll see it, words are important. Words are important. Words are important because it's so easy for us who, you know, don't need words of affirmation necessarily, or don't value them as much as some people to just kind of forget it and to not love in this way.
Another thing you can do is just write down. The words of affirmation that you give your spouse for a week. So maybe, you know, kind off the cuff, you may say something, or you may think of something to say and you say it, um, but you can write them down. And the reason for that is just kind of to track what you've said, uh, for a couple reasons, one, you know, you don't wanna repeat the same thing every day, but also.
You can see, you can look back and see, are you actually doing it? Dr. Chapman recommends setting a goal of giving your spouse a different compliment each day for a month. You can learn how to say, I love you in different languages. You can, uh, compliment your significant other, uh, in the presence of other people, right?
Other people that they care about or that they look up to, you could appreciate your spouse's strengths, right? You can just really affirm, like, Hey, you know, you're really. At this, I, I love when you do this, I love whatever it might be about them. You know, one of the things I admire about Bridget is the fact that she's a nurse, she's a nurse, she's a pediatric nurse.
And so she works with kids and families, and it's just a really beautiful thing. She's taking care of these families who often are in like a really tough spot, you know, their child's suffering. And so she just has a really big heart when it comes to loving on those families and really helping them. So I admire that and I try to remind her of that every so.
If you're away from your spouse a lot, like if you're traveling on the road or just, you know, don't have time to spend with each other, uh, you can text each other, right. Text each other little words of affirmation. And, uh, you know, you can also just thank them for the, the routine things that they do in a day.
Everything from sweeping the floor to doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, whatever it is. The next love language is quality time and kinda in short, this one is all about giving someone your undivided attention. And this is all about, you know, spending carefree time with them. And this is actually my secondary love language.
You can have a couple, you can have like a primary and a secondary or even more, but usually it's, you know, one or two are really high for you. And, uh, you may be able to guess what the other one is, but for me, I just love good. Deep conversations. And I also just love doing things with people that I love things that I really enjoy, like, you know, going on adventures, playing sports, spending time in the mountains, traveling, all those things.
And one, one aspect of quality time is focused attention. So. Ironically, I think in order to have quality time, one of the requirements is actually having quantity time and, you know, maybe you're in a season of life where you don't have a lot of time to actually spend together. But what I've often found is, uh, it's really difficult to force quality time.
And Bridget and I dated long distance for about a year. And I noticed, you know, even though we would text and we would talk to each other pretty frequently, uh, when I would go visit her, I'd often realize that it. Kind of takes some time to get into sync with each other. And so, um, we would just kind of need to spend time being around each other.
And, and it made me think of relationships as kind of like a complex dance. And, you know, if you've ever done any sort of complex dancing, you know, that it really takes time to learn how to do it and to get in sync with your partner. And if you don't do it for a while, Then it takes time to get back in sync and to do it well.
And so that's kind of what we experience. So you really need that quantity time in order to have the quality time. And the goal here of focus attention is really to connect on an emotional level. It doesn't mean that every talk you have is gonna be a deep talk, but really that you're developing that feeling of closeness with each other.
And you can imagine the opposite of this is really. Being in the presence of the other, but not connecting. I mean, you can go out to a restaurant and you can see couples just kind of glued to their phones, right? They're not really talking. Their mind is elsewhere. Their attention is elsewhere. And so we really want to focus our attention on the other person.
Another part of this is quality conversations and. These are deep conversations where you can share your experiences. You can share your thoughts, your feelings, your desires, and accepting non-judgmental context and you know, asking good questions is really part of that. Truly listening to what the other person is saying, listening to kind of reflect on what they had to say.
One thing too. This is so hard for guys, especially a guy like me, cuz I'm such a problem solver, not trying to solve every problem that someone brings up. And again, I think this is more prominent in guys. Like when our ladies, you know, tell us something, tell us about a problem or an issue that they had at work or with their friends.
It's so tempting to just say, okay, well you need to do this and this. And that's a, and I've been there and I've done that so many times, you know, even after knowing this, I still mess this up, but, uh, but I am trying. And so, uh, we just really need to empathize in those moments. Just listen. Be there to just hear someone and kind of receive what they're saying to us, not fix it, all that that will come later maybe, but, uh, but that's not something we need to dive right into.
And that's especially hard for people who are problem solvers. So the opposite of these quality conversations of course are just kind of surface level conversations. And we've all been there, right? Small talk and, uh, you know, there's of course a place for small talk, but if we never go deeper, then our relationships are really gonna lack that joy that we all long for that.
Depth that intimacy some tips about quality conversations. So you can make, uh, a list of ideas of how to spend quality time together. Again, it takes some effort. It's not something that just happens. I think that's kind of a myth about quality time is that just automatically happens. So you kind of have sift to set the environment for it to happen.
Another thing you can do is just make eye contact, make eye contact. It can be uncomfortable. I totally get that. But really try to force yourself to make eye contact. Doesn't mean you like stare at them the entire time. Uh, you can look away, you know, every once in a while, but, uh, but really making eye contact says so much to the other person when they're saying something to you, multitasking, oh man, don't be on your phone.
Don't be doing something else at the same time. Like really stop what you're doing and listen to them because that thing that you're doing right, unless the house is on fire, um, it's gonna be there when you're done. Just do it. And in that moment, just spend time, truly focus on listening to the person that you're talking to.
One of the things Dr. Chapman says is really to listen for feelings and you, when someone's opening up to you about something, that's really a clue that we really need to pay attention. And one tip that I learned a while back. Just about conversations in general is to reflect people's feelings or reflect their thoughts, reflect the things that they say.
And what I mean by that is you kind of mirror them where, you know, if they say, oh, you know, I felt angry about this. You can, and in some way, not identical, but you can kind of say back, man, it sounds like you were. Really upset about that, or really angry about that. And that simple tactic makes people feel so understood.
And, and they really feel like you get them. Like, man, he, you know, he, or she like really understood what I was saying. And so there's really some simple phrases that you can use when someone's talking to you to kind of reflect back the gist of what they were saying to you. And they'll definitely make them feel understood.
Watch body language. You can definitely tell a lot about a person from their body language and it's often. So much more of what we communicate. I forget the percentage is just our body language and don't interrupt. Dr. Shaman was saying that usually we feel the need to interrupt and we often do interrupt, but instead, just be silent and listen to, to what they're saying.
Okay. Another component of uh, quality time is actually talking to actually express our feelings to another person. And this can be hard for some of us, right? If, if you're a person who just doesn't really talk about feelings, one of the things that you can. Dr. Chapman says is to, uh, focus on recognizing your feelings to begin with.
And this, he gives a really simple tactic to do this. He says, you know, throughout your day, if there's some event that makes you feel something. Then just write it down. For example, you may be driving to work and someone cuts you off on the road, you know, you, and you feel angry. Write that down, just recognizing it.
That's the first step to actually being able to communicate it. And in the book, uh, he talks about just kind of two type of people, people who. Really are pretty content. Not saying much, they just listen more. And then other people who just always have something to say. And so he said it can be dangerous in a relationship, especially a dating relationship where let's say the guy is the one who doesn't say much.
He just kinda listens. And then the girl let's say, and this can go both ways, but let's just say the girls is the one who just talks more. She's more talkative. It can be tempting for the guy not to really say much. And for the girls to just always say something and both of them can kind of feel content with this setup because they're like, oh man, you know, the girl may think he really listens to me.
And the guy can maybe thinking, man, I don't really need to say much. This is great. Uh, one of the problems with that, Dr. Shaman explain. More in the book. Is that in marriage that doesn't play out very well because the guy can just kind of hold these feelings inside or not really share any of his feelings for years and years and years.
Uh, because he maybe feel overpower by the, the woman, the wife. And again, this can go both ways, not picking on wives here, but, uh, but I think it's important to kind of recognize that in our data and relationships, but also in our marriages, just to make sure that we're both sharing and, and speaking about kind of what we're experiencing and what we're.
Another key component to quality time is quality activities. So this is just doing things that one or both of you love. And if only one of you loves that thing, I'd challenge you to stretch yourself. There's a, a great book called a severe mercy. And in the book it tells a story of a, a really beautiful couple.
It just such a great love for each other. And one of the things that they came up with is this idea of sharing. The idea of sharing and basically what they meant by that is if one of us likes something, then that must mean that there's something likable in that thing. And they made this commitment to each other to really find out the thing that they like and really to figure out kind of what it is.
And by doing that. They were able to honestly grow an appreciation for that thing or at least for their spouse, uh, who loves that thing. And so it's such a powerful thing I've done. And I know a lot of people have done it and it really, really helps another thing that Brene brown suggests in one of her books doing this simple exercise for your family, like maybe you have kids or even if not, can just be you and your spouse, or even if you're dating engaged, you can just list all the activities that you love to.
Have your, you know, significant other, your kids maybe do that as well. And then kind of analyze them and find the common ones. And she, she would like draw a Venn diagrams where, you know, all the circles are intersecting and they would find those things that were common to all of them. And they would focus on doing those things primarily.
It doesn't mean they couldn't. Do other things, but those were the, the main ones that they did. And that's just a really simple exercise. Take no time at all to, to really find some things that you, you and your spouse, your family would love to do together. And one of the things that often prevents quality time is people just say, I don't have time to spend at all.
And, uh, Dr. Shaman, he's pretty strong on this in a book. He says, make time for. We make time for the things in our lives that are important to us. And so there's really no excuses if we don't make time for our relationship. So some of the things you can try, uh, here, in addition to what we already talked about, don't feel the need to make everything quality time, right there.
There's a separation there. Like, especially if you spend a lot of time with your spouse there. Are things that you'll do. They're just not quality time, you know, things chores around the house or whatever. And so you don't always need to be having quality time. Another thing is to ask your spouse, uh, about the things that they love to do, kinda like the exercise I mentioned, and, you know, you could do one of those things a month or even more frequently.
You can include your significant other in your day by just texting them pictures, you know, about kind of what's going on with you, especially if you're away from each other for a while. Uh, you can plan a weekend getaway. Or, uh, you know, just share parts of your day with each other. Another thing that's just so good and beautiful is just to share about your dreams for the future.
You know, the places you wanna travel, the things you wanna do, uh, what you wanna accomplish in your life that could really bond you on, on a really deep level. The third love language is receiving. Gifts. And just in short here, uh, this is all about loving through receiving or, or giving meaningful gifts.
And these gifts are usually just visual symbols of our love and, you know, they could be purchased, they could be made and they can be anything from food to art, to card, to clothing, to, you know, going to a show or a movie, giving them a book that they like, you know, it's really only limited by your imagination.
But, uh, but there's so many options here for giving gifts and helping someone to kind of receive your love through that gift. Uh, but one of the most powerful gifts he mentions about in the book is the gift of presence. So this kinda overlaps with quality time, but really being there for someone, especially during difficult times in their life, when they need you the most in the book, Dr.
Chapman tells a story about a couple. He met in Chicago who, uh, Kinda experienced a miracle in their marriage. And they told them how, you know, they attended one of his seminars. And, uh, what they realized was that for so long, especially the husband, he just didn't love his wife in the way that she wanted to be loved.
And he was, he was kind of a jerk about it. He kind of just told his wife like, Hey, you know, we have as good of a marriage as anyone else. Like, you know, why are you trying to, uh, To, to ask for more like we're still together. You know, we have a good family, good jobs, all that. One of the things that, uh, he realized after this seminar was that his wife's primary love language was gifts.
Right. She loved receiving gifts and he just hadn't given her gifts for a long, long time. And so what he started to do was he started to just give her gifts and. After the seminar, he came home with a rose one of the nights and it just blew his wife away. And she felt so loved. She was a little skeptical at first, but she just felt loved by it.
Um, you know, then the, the next day he picked up a pizza for dinner, so she didn't need to cook and, you know, went on and on the next day brought home, you know, some treats for the kids and he. Made it a point to, to give gifts because that's the way that his wife felt loved and it really, it transformed their marriage it's so it was so simple, but it transformed their marriage and he just kept doing this.
And so some of the things you can try is just to keep a list in your phone of the things your spouse or partner mentions. So throughout the year, you know, they may mention, oh, I need this, or I need that, or, oh, I'd really like that make a mental note of that when you get some. Jotted into your phone. And when Christmas comes and their birthday comes, whatever celebration you have this whole list of gifts.
And so you can go ahead and, uh, give them one of those. And of course it doesn't need to be a celebration. You can just surprise them. You can get pretty artsy with this. I think that's something great about artsy people. You guys can really probably do this better than most of us, but if you're not like that, if you're not a great gift giver, you can recruit friends or your family to help you.
But one important. Don't ask them to do it for you. Right. Make sure you're learning from them. You're doing it with them. This is not something you're just like, kinda like delegating, cuz man, that is so inauthentic to, to do that. So don't, don't do that. And, and like I mentioned, just be there during difficult times with the gift of your presence.
The next love language is acts of service. And this love language is all about doing things, you know, your spouse or significant other. Would like you to do, it's really the right actions speak louder than words for them. And you know, those right actions, they make them feel loved more than really anything you can say or, or anything else you can give to them.
And so it's all about loving through actions. And some examples of, of that could be just doing chores around the house, you know, cooking, taking care of the finances, picking things up, taking care of the car, you know, planning a romantic date, all, all those sorts of. In my experience, this is one of the primary ways that I give love.
And, uh, thankfully this is one of the primary ways that Bridget receives love. So it actually works pretty well for us. We're, we're pretty blessed. One of the stories that Dr. Chapman tells in the book is about a, a young couple who approached him outside of church. He went to church business hometown in North Carolina, and, uh, and they, this couple came up to him and they said, you know, Dr.
Chapman can, can a couple make it in marriage. If they disagree on everyth. And, and so, you know, they kind of broke into a little counseling session and they finally got to the core of it. And that was, you know, they weren't really loving each other in the way that they wanted to, to be loved. And, you know, the wife was.
Kind of complaining that the husband would go off and he'd do things and he would, you know, go hunting, go fishing and just not really spend, uh, time with her and do things, uh, for her that she wanted him to do. And he had the same complaint. He would say, you know, uh, you know, I liked. When I come home for things to be tidier around the house and to sit down and eat dinner with my family.
And, uh, and so there's just a lot of tension in their marriage. And so, uh, when it came down to it, it wasn't so much that, you know, they were just so angry at each other and not good for each other, just that they weren't loving each other in the way that they wanted to, to feel loved. And so, and when they talked about kind of before marriage, They realized that they would, you know, do things for each other, do things with each other that made each other feel loved.
And, and so they kind of got away from that. Just focus on doing kind of the routine everyday things that so many of us fall into what Dr. Chapman did is he had them just make a list, uh, a list of what they would want their spouse to. Just a few things every day for them, they talked about it and they said, okay, we can do these things.
These things are very reasonable things like, you know, making the bed, you know, cleaning up the house, having dinner ready at a certain time, you know, washing the car every week and, and so on. So different, different acts of service. And once they started doing those things for each other, Their marriage has improved so much.
And so that's where Dr. Chapman again, realized that there's these different dialects that we sometimes speak, even if we have the same love languages. And he realized a few things from that specific couple, he said, what we do for each other before marriage is really no indication of what we will do after marriage things change.
So if you're engaged, if you're dating right now, uh, just understand that and be on the lookout for. Be really intentional about loving your spouse, uh, in the way that they feel loved. Uh, the, the next thing he discovered is really love is a choice. And it's not something that could be coerced. It's not something that we can demand.
We can request it. We can give people the opportunity to love us, but we can't force them to. And the last thing he realizes that, you know, my spouse's criticisms about my behavior. Provide me with the clearest clue to their primary love language. And so basically what he realized from this couple, the wife was complaining about the husband going off and hunting and fishing and doing all these things and not doing things for her around the house.
It really was an indication that okay, her primary love language was acts of service. And so when we're criticized, if we can keep that composure and just ask for clarity, we can often get to the root. Kind of what are spouses requesting and how we can make them feel loved and feel their love tank. And of course he says, you know, we're not in any way a doormat for our spouse.
We of course demand respect, but, uh, this is really something that when they criticize us, if we could take that constructively, it can go really a long way. Some of the things you can try when it comes to acts of service, uh, serve someone or something important to your spouse, to your significant other, whether that's a relative of pet friends.
Some cause I really believe in that can go a really long way. Cuz remember, actions speak louder to words, to these sort of people. And uh, you know, you could write on a note card. Today, you know, I'll show my love by doing this or doing that. And, uh, and that again can go a long way in making your spouse, making your significant other feel loved.
And I, if you don't really know what they would want you to do, you can ask them, you know, you can ask them to just like list 10 things that they'd like you to do. This month and then have them prioritize those from one to 10 and then get to work on it. You know, maybe do one, one a month or one a week, whatever rhythm and, uh, really start working through that list.
You can surprise, you know, your significant other with some act of service too, and you can involve your kids, uh, in it as well. And another way you can love in this way is to make sure your significant other has time to do the things that they love. And, you know, it doesn't mean that they're always off doing what they love, but really making sure that your spouse, if they love to watch football, making sure they have time to love football.
If they love to, you know, go out, shopping with their friends, make sure they have some time to go out, shopping with their friends. The last love language is. Touch in short, this one's pretty obvious, but it really touch makes someone feel loved more than anything else. And really a touch says more than any words, any gifts, the time you have together or any other actions.
And this is so powerful, you may have heard of, uh, failure to thrive. And I think it has some different meanings in, uh, and like psychological research. But one of the things that Dr. Chapman talks about is that there's been so much research. On babies. And he said babies who are held stroked and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.
And so touch is just so, so important. And of course we're talking about appropriate touching for whatever phase in your relationship you're in. Um, and this may, you know, break down by culture, um, your state and life, of course, like I mentioned, and of course the opposite of this is abuse. Really inappropriate touching and just taking things to, to a level that's just not good or healthy.
And the there's a story in the book where, uh, there was this couple and, uh, the husband said after doing some counseling with Dr. Chapman that, uh, once he waited. Six weeks before his wife touched him at all. And they were just kinda like the couples you heard about already. They were missing each other on so many levels.
And she didn't really realize that her husband needed that, that he really craved that, that made all the difference. Once they started to build that back into their relationship, a few things you can try. Not rocket signs here, hold hands, hug, Kee, watch a movie. Uh, you know, you can put your arms around each other in public.
You can give each other a massage. The list goes on and on. So those are the five love languages. Again, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch. Now you may be thinking, okay, how do I figure out my left language? How do I figure. My, you know, my significant others love language.
Uh, Dr. Chapman gives a few hints. He says one, uh, think about the things that kind of hurt you deeply. And the opposite of those is probably your love language, right? If the things that hurt you are, you know, actions that someone does, or some words that they say harmful words, critical words, then maybe your love language is words of affirmation.
As an example, that the second tip he says is look at the sort of things that you request the most from your partner. So maybe you, you know, wanna back rub or maybe you want them to do something for you that can kind of be a hint about what your love language is. And I, I would bet most of you can kind of figure it out or maybe you already know what your love languages are.
What. Uh, significant others, love languages are. And the third tip you get is, you know, kind of look at how you regularly express love. And one of the things for me, you know, like I mentioned, physical touch is a big one for me. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm Italian or just a guy. I. But, uh, that's something that's really important to me.
And so I can tell you without a doubt, that is one of my love languages. And so it's possible to, to have a few love languages, like a primary and a secondary, or, you know, maybe even three that are kind of high. But typically Dr. Chapman says that usually people have one or, uh, two primary level languages.
No, like I mentioned for Bridget and I, uh, Bridget receives love. And through words of affirmation and acts of service, those things make her feel love. And the way that I give love is through physical touch and through acts of service. So I've, I've definitely had to learn, uh, when it comes to words of affirmation, uh, on bridges, then, you know, she really gives through acts of surface that that's the primary way I've seen her, her give love, and she gives love in other ways too, but that's one of the primary ways that I've seen.
And I, like I mentioned, receive love through quality time and the other one is physical touch. Like. Mentioned a few times. And one thing I've noticed too, is this is different in your romantic relationships versus your friendships. You know, some of this stuff still applies, but I know dudes for one, you know, aren't gonna really be touching, uh, our guy friends all that much, and maybe girls are a little bit more touchy and cuddly, uh, than guys are, but, uh, this stuff can totally go beyond just romantic relationships, but it may look a little bit different there.
And I, I think he even has books on like the five love languages for singles and so on. One of the things that came to me when I was talking to a friend of mine about these, is that, uh, often the habits in our families can dictate your love languages. And I think it can kind of go one of two ways. And this, of course, isn't always the case, but kind of what I've seen is, you know, there may be a love language in your family that was just really strong.
Like maybe your family is a really touchy family and, you know, they hugging all the time, kissing things like that. And, uh, and so that may be your love when she feel loved when people touch you, but it also can be something. Where you felt neglected, right? Maybe you never really receive words of affirmation from mom or dad, and that's something you really lacked and you wish you would've had.
And so now you're really hungry for that. And so I think it could go either way. In some ways it's just kind of baked into our DNA. It's something that we grow up with and doesn't really change over the years though. It. So there's so much more we could have talked about in this episode, but if you pick up the book and I'll tell you how to get that in a little bit, you're gonna get answers to questions.
Like how do you love someone when you're full of hurt, anger and resentment over the past? You know, what do you do in long distance relationships to use these five love languages? And how do you figure out your love language or your significant others love language. And, you know, he gives ideas on how to like study them.
How to ask them to, to take the test or to read the book and I'll mention how you can, uh, take the test at the end of the episode as well. And this stuff can actually save your marriage. There's a really beautiful story. Uh, about one couple where the spouse that the husband actually started. To having an affair.
And it was really partly due to the fact that him and his wife were not loving each other in a way that they wanted to be loved. And so he kind of started down that path, but what ended up happening is in that affair, the woman that he was with the feelings started to fade. In that relationship too, the infatuation went down and then he realized that, oh, this other woman doesn't really fill my need either.
And so instead of kind of seeking it elsewhere, Dr. Chapman really encouraged him no double down in your own marriage. Fix your own marriage. And they did that and it saved their marriage. And of course there was a lot of hurt to work through. Um, but by going through this book, by reading this book, you're gonna see that there's so much hope for couples, even those who are just really, really in a difficult spot.
And there's other things in the book too. Like what about situations where you actually hate your spouse? Like there's so much tension in your marriage and it feels like it's beyond hope. There's a story about that. Um, again, talking about sexual infidelity, like, what do you do. In that case, like is all lost.
Um, one of the things that he says as a marriage counselor for years, he said, no, there actually is a way to rescue your marriage. If your spouse is willing to end that and to truly change. And I know that's not a popular thing to say, but his experience as a counselor has really proven that it can actually work another couple after 30 years of really just having a.
Super mediocre marriage. They were able to turn their marriage around just by learning the five love languages, just by loving each other in a way that made them feel loved. And really the, the goal of bringing you this content from this book, this book review is if we all do this, if we build strong marriages and good families, our kids are gonna grow up.
In an environment of love, right? They're gonna have that love tank full. And by doing that, they're gonna grow and build their own strong marriages, good families. And we're gonna transform our culture. I don't think the fix lies in politics. I don't think it lies in a lot of other initiatives in our culture, but it really lies in helping people.
Feel whole again, helping them face their brokenness and heal so that they can become strong virtuous individuals and go on and live the life that they were meant to live, which often includes getting married and building a family. And really, I believe this is the best way. And perhaps the only way to truly transform our culture.
If you want more, some next steps for you, you can learn more about the love languages. That's really kind of the first step by picking up the book. And I'll tell you about that in a second, but go ahead and share this podcast with your significant other with your spouse or your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance.
This could help them learn more about it. So you guys can start using this in your relationship. Learn your partner's love language too, you know, first seek to fill their needs, to fill their love tank. And then once you've started doing that, then you can request them. To fill yours and you guys can actually take the quiz at five love languages.com/quizzes.
Again, that's five, love languages.com/quizzes. And there's a few tests on there. They're all free. And one's for couples. One's for singles ones for I think children. And so there's a bunch of different tests you can take on there and really understand. Kind of what your level languages are, get your spouse significant other to do it.
And you can understand what theirs are as well. And more important than any of the knowledge from this book from this podcast is actually living this stuff, executing on it. And so I invite you start one of the things that we talked about today, one of the things that hit you, one of the things that stuck out to you, write it down, make a commitment to start executing on that.
Because I think so many of us, we want good, meaningful, happy relationships. And you've heard me say the purpose of marriage is not happiness and that's true. The purpose of marriage is not happiness, but it is a really good and beautiful goal to make our spouse happy. And that goal of making each other happy should really be pursued a.
By each spouse to love each other and to make each other happy. And, and that's my hope for you. I hope that you can have a really good fulfilling relationship, and I hope that the five love languages can help you get there by figuring out how to make your spouse feel loved and how to help them make you feel loved.
In closing out the show. I'd love to hear from you guys. Like what in this episode was really helpful to you find us on social media and, uh, DMS, or you can find the post for this episode and just comment, like what was the most helpful for you? What's something that, uh, that you're gonna use to, to love your significant other better.
Let us know love to hear from you. Uh, you can just find us on social at, at restored help at restored help. If you wanna buy the book, uh, I just recommend going to. Just search the five love languages, and you'll find it on there. We are gonna do a random giveaway of three books. So if you go to restored ministry.com/ 21 again, restored ministry ministries, singular.
Dot com slash two one just on there, scroll down. You just subscribe to our email list. Give us your name, your email, and just answer one quick question. You can unsubscribe it any time that you want to. And then, uh, we'll announce the winner by July 17th of, of 2020. So if you wanna chance of winning a free book, go on there.
And if you buy the book, now you can still enter the email list for the random giveaway. And if you win that, you can always, you know, give it to, uh, to someone else, you know, who could. The resources mentioned during the show notes@restoredministry.com slash two one guess. Thank you so much for listening.
I hope this has been helpful and useful. If it is, please share this with someone, you know, who could use it. Uh, go ahead and subscribe and always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
