#017: 6 Tips to Conquer Your Fear of Love
I felt torn. On one hand, I craved love. On the other, I feared it. Why? Because I didn’t think love could last. I feared my relationship would end the way my parents’ marriage did.
Thankfully, that fear no longer controls me. It took time and intentional effort to overcome it. But by doing so, I felt free to pursue my wife and begin building our marriage.
In this episode, you’ll get:
A better understanding of yourself and why you fear love
Real life relationship stories and lessons from Miranda and me
6 tips to conquer your fear and find authentic love
Contact Joey: Joey@RestoredMinistry.com
Links & Resources
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Quotes
The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Speech by John Paul II: “Love is not merely a feeling; it is an act of will that consists of preferring, in a constant manner, the good of others to the good of oneself.”
Miranda Rodriguez
Episode #008: The Hardest Part of My Life | Miranda Rodriguez
Bio: Miranda Rodriguez was born in Caracas, Venezuela. Shortly after, her family moved to North Carolina where she spent most of her childhood. In 2009 she moved to Charleston, SC where she currently resides. Miranda graduated from Clemson University in 2015 with a degree in psychology. She currently works as the office manager for a marketing firm. In her free time, Miranda enjoys spending time with friends, writing, walking on the beach and chasing sunset views.
Blog: First Class Act
Instagram: @ms.mirandakate
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Do relationships make you anxious? Does vulnerability scare you? Are you afraid of love? If so this episode is especially for you. And even if that's not, you, you probably know someone who's dealing with this. And so this episode will help you understand and ultimately help them. And I'll be honest with you.
That was me. I had a crippling fear of love and relationships, and at the root of that fear was a belief that love didn't last. And ultimately I was afraid that my relationship would end the way that my parents marriage did. And so it put me in this odd spot on one hand, I craved love. And on the other hand, I was terrified of it.
I ran from it and I pushed people away. And so after years of struggling with this and learning how to overcome it, I realized that I wasn't alone. I realized that tons of other people dealt with this, especially people like me, people whose parents are separated or divorced. And so that's what this episode is about.
We're gonna talk about the fear of love and how to overcome it. We'll touch on how that fear can leave us feeling stuck and how it can feel like we have no idea what we're doing in relationships. Like we didn't get the training we needed in our families to build a healthy relationship. We're also gonna unpack the fear itself and understand the reasons underneath it.
We talk about how we tend to overanalyze things and how it can be tricky to discern if a relationship is right, because of that fear, that fear clouds, our judgment. We also touch on how a lack of peace in your relationship may not actually mean that it's not meant to be. There may be more to it than that.
And then we touch on how the lies that we believe about love. Often, hold us back by listening to this episode, you're gonna walk away with a better understanding of yourself and why you're afraid of love and relationships. And if that's not, you you'll walk away with a better understanding of someone you love and why they're afraid of.
You'll get six actionable tips to overcome that fear. And ultimately our hope is that by following those tips, you'll lay the foundation for a strong relationship and even a strong future marriage. So lots of good stuff ahead. Keep listening.
Welcome to the ReSTOR podcast, helping you cope, heal, and grow after your parents' divorce or separation. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host joy. Elli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 17 and this episode kicks off our love and relationship series. Research shows that the biggest effect from our parents' divorce or separation is on our romantic relationships.
Why is that? Because we don't have a roadmap for love. We've seen a broken model of love and marriage. And so when it's our turn, we feel lost and we struggle in numerous ways in our relationships. And so we're bringing you a roadmap, actionable tips and expert advice that you can follow to find and build authentic love.
Today. I'm joined by Miranda Rodriguez. She came on episode eight. She shared her story of how her parents divorce has affected her and how she's dealt with it. I won't go into a full bio here because she's not here to be a guest to be interviewed, but rather as a contributor, we have a conversation. We go back and forth.
But if you wanna learn more about Miranda, go listen to episode eight, or you can see the show notes. So here's our conversation. Miranda. It's really good to have you back. Thanks for coming on the show. Yeah, of course. Thanks for having me. It's good to be back. I was sitting in a coffee shop some time ago and I overheard the girl next to me talking to one of her friends, a female friend, and they were talking about a guy that they both know a friend of theirs that seemed to have an aversion to love.
He did not wanna even talk about love or relationships, wanted nothing to do with them. And it got me thinking that there's a lot of people like that in our world. A lot of people who are afraid of love, they're afraid of commitment. They're afraid of, um, relationships, vulnerability, all those things. And so it got me thinking about myself, how I've struggled with that too.
There's a lot of reasons for that, but I think at the root of so much of my fear was that I saw my parents' marriage fall apart. And I didn't wanna repeat that. Uh, in fact, I was terrified of repeating that. And so I was afraid that love wouldn't last. I was afraid that someone might love me. And then abandon me or stop wanting me.
And, and I did not want that. And so over the years, just talking with people like us, I've realized that this is a common fear and it certainly goes beyond children of divorce or separation, but I think it is more prominent in people like us. And so I just wanna break down this problem and then we'll go into a solution.
Like what can we do about this to overcome this fear so that we can, um, you know, live the life that we were born to live and find really meaningful and joyful relationships. And so, yeah, really pumped to be talking with you. But yeah, I'm just curious, let's, let's dive into this. What's going on here? What, why are we afraid?
Well, let's unpack this. I think that fear is so it can be so oppressive and yet like weirdly sneaky at the same time in the sense that you can live with this fear, your whole life and not realize. You know that, wow. I actually struggle with fear of love. And I think that, you know, for us who, when, when something so fundamental, like the family, like our parents' marriage is dissolved inherently.
Like the fear establishes that become, we, we internalize it and it becomes part of who we are. And it prevents us from doing like what we are normally called to do, which is to love and to be loved. And so it just goes to show like how important the family and how important, like our parents' marriages are to us, to the kids.
Cause when it doesn't, you know, go the way it's supposed to like their dire severe consequences. And for us, I think a lot of time that is living with this fear, um, that can be just so overwhelming. Absolutely. And it's a good point that we might be walking around with this fear without even realizing it.
I know it took me some time to, to put my finger on it. Was, was that true for you as well? Yeah. I always had a very strong. A version, you know, to men, to men that I liked, especially like, it was just this weird, you know, like wanting their attention and wanting to interact with them, but also just being very terrified and like the smallest thing, um, whether that be like a conversation or, you know, something they did like.
I magnified it and oftentimes turned it into like a red flag, you know? So it's like the most innocent gesture, all of a sudden becomes suspicious. Mm-hmm um, and so that was something, and I, I, I think I noticed it most in high, you know, first in high school, and then it kind of, you know, continued to, to happen in college and after, and then especially my first relationship, I was realizing how difficult it was for me to connect with this person because of this fear and because of how flighty I was, you know, the slightest thing was like, oh my gosh, I need, I need to get out of this.
And just that instinct to run and to find safety, um, and how like that, how difficult that was to find in a relationship. And it wasn't until, you know, I, I started therapy, which, you know, I'm a huge advocate of, um, and she was the one who kind of suggested, like, do you think this could be related to your parents' divorce?
And it, I, it wasn't something that I immediately clicked with me. Uh, didn't not immediately. Resonate. Um, I think we have a tendency to suppress a lot of times these things and we don't, you know, we don't wanna blame, we don't, it's hard for us to accept things that are outside of our control or that people we love could affect us in such a negative way without meaning to, so I think it took time for it to really sink in, but it wasn't until she suggested it, that that kind of process of unpacking, uh, the divorce and how it affected me began.
And I think now, even still, I think it's something I wrestle with, but it's, I would say a lot more, a lot easier to admit that, Hey, like maybe, maybe this is the case than it was, you know, five years ago or whatever. Yeah. I can totally see that and we'll get into more of my background too, but I, I certainly saw the same thing in my first serious relationship.
There was so much fear there even entering into it. And I, again, couldn't put this totally into words at the time. I was very apprehensive, very afraid of going into the relationship to begin with, but then also, you know, being vulnerable within the relationship, committing, opening up to her and she was a really good girl, this isn't because you know, it wasn't because this person was like bad or something like that.
No. And, uh, yeah, I just, it really harmed the relationship. And I think ultimately it was part of the reason that, uh, you know, it, it ended, um, I, I know, you know, I trust that it was meant to be, but, um, it's yeah, certainly has, has affected me in so many ways, but I wanna go back to something that you said seeing your parents' marriage fall apart, you know, was traumatizing and was.
Something that's really difficult and same true. In my case, we often hear people talk about the family. Being the school of love, the place where we learn, how to love we learn what it means to love, and we learn what it means to be in a relationship, both friendships and you know, a serious romantic relationship and marriage.
And, uh, I know when we were talking before the show, we were using the analogy of, uh, pilot, like a 7 37, a big commercial airline pilot. It's like asking someone to be put in charge of piloting this aircraft. Who's never had the training to do it, or maybe has had bad training training from someone who, or from people who, uh, didn't model it the way that it was supposed to be.
Right. And I'm not trying to place blame, but the truth is when a marriage falls apart, that's not what's meant to happen. Right. And so when we're put in these situations where we're expected to love someone else to build our own relationships or own marriages, it can feel truly like we're sitting behind the yolk of a aircraft that we have no idea of what we're doing.
And that should be scary. It is scariness. Okay. To feel afraid. Let's talk about that a little bit. The school of love. We're supposed to learn how to love in the family. Aren't we? Yeah, no, I mean that, that is, I think one of the primary purposes of the family is to learn what it looks like to love and to be loved.
And that's one of the reasons that it's so important and one of how it has so much power, like it can be so detrimental or so beautiful, you know? And I think, yeah, if, if we are not properly educated in the family in how to give and receive love, It's really difficult for us to like go out and live our vocation of marriage or even other vocations, like even friendships.
Like we don't, we're not equipped to love. And it's just, you know, just like you're saying with, with the airplane, like it's something that's so monument a task that is so monumental and risky too. You have to have like the proper. Quote unquote training, you know, and it's something that we learn through watching our parents, like how they love each other and how they love us.
And it's so, you know, one of the reasons why this anxiety is so difficult and so painful is because love is like so inherent to who we are as human beings. Um, and so when we. When there's something like a barrier of sorts that prevents us from being able to live that out. It, it hurts like it's, it's truly traumatic, uh, because it is so inherent to who we are as human beings.
And so when that, in the family, when those relationships, those primal formative relationships are broken, it's a wound that is so difficult, not only because of the hurt and inflicts at the moment, but also how much you, of it, you carry through the rest of your life. Because something that was so innate and that everyone has, you know, inherent right to was kind of taken away.
Then in, later in life, it's like you're walking around. You know, with a crippled leg or something like something that you're supposed to learn and that's supposed to come so naturally to us, all of a sudden, we, we are not equipped to do. We don't know how I think to your point, like, yes, like the family is the school of love.
And when that's, when that's hurt, it's not just like a, oh, well, you know, it hurts now, but then you'll, you're gonna get better. It is something that, unless you face it and you work hard to heal, um, it can seriously get in the way of. Finding love so true. Yeah. And it's possible to learn and to compensate for what we weren't given that we needed.
And we'll get into that a little bit later, but yeah, I think everything you said is spot on because if we don't learn in our families, then it can be more difficult to learn though. It's possible. And one point that, that you made before is that we often, you know, don't know what we don't know, and that ends up being very dangerous, cuz we're going throughout life kind of expecting things to go well, and then we get into a relationship and I've experienced this myself and we're not quite sure how to handle disagreements.
We're not quite sure how to open up. We're not quite sure how to set the right boundaries because if we're honest, we haven't seen a lot of that stuff modeled well for us. And I think it's important to put a caveat here. We're not blaming parents. We're not saying that parents are evil. Um, I think in the majority of cases, parents don't realize the effect that their marriage has on their children.
Yeah. And, uh, they don't realize the effect that a divorce will have on their children either. And so, uh, I have no doubt that my parents never intended to hurt me the way that it did hurt me, but at the same time, we can talk about these things in a way that's factual. We can talk about them in a way that's sharing responsibility.
Uh, you know, that what happened, mattered. It hurt us. And we're trying to take responsibility of what our life is right now and how we can, can move forward. Parents don't know, you know, the ramifications often I think of divorce. Um, even if you're a child of divorce, oftentimes you don't understand, you don't see.
And I think that that's kind of a challenge that we see in our culture today is, uh, how almost trivialized marriage has become, you know, like it's like, oh, well, if it doesn't work out the first time, there's always, you know, you can always meet someone else, uh, later in life or mm-hmm, , you know, there's a lot of skepticism and cynicism today about marriage in the family.
And I think that that's a result of. Of a lot of parents getting divorced. And then, so a lot of us kids like grow up, um, with that example and not understanding how it affected us. And so we're walking around unable to love and scared of it. And so we like a lot of us, I think almost as a culture, have a tendency to like give up on it, you know, mm-hmm, like, it's like, we're scared of it.
Well, we don't know we are, we have this aversion, but we don't realize that we have it. You know, you hear a lot of commentary on millennials and, and trends and you know, there's like a fear of commitment. Um, a lot of times with, with this generation and the generations after. And I, I truly think it's because we.
We are so afraid. Um, because we've learned that just because you make a commitment or you're supposed to make a commitment, that doesn't mean that it will be kept. And when it isn't kept, there are ramifications, it hurts. And so we just say, okay, you know what, it's easier if we just don't do it. Yeah.
Which is too bad. This isn't a stretch. So people who are listening, who maybe hearing this for the first time, I've heard people say this exact thing. In fact, there was a time when I was younger where I said, oh, I'm not getting married. I don't wanna get married. Yes. because I saw the way that things went down and there's a lot of people like that.
And you know, like you're saying, that's resulted to people just kind of having more casual relationships living together. Um, and, but never taking that step to, to get married. And so, yeah, it is certainly a generational problem. I, I think, and there's a lot to it, but, but you made a really good point before about.
How we don't really go underneath that problem. We talk about how, oh, you know, millennials are afraid of commitment. Millennials are afraid of commitment or whatever generation we're talking about. They're afraid of commitment. Um, but when we kinda stop there and that's really a disservice to, uh, to everyone, I think, cuz we need to really uncover what's going on underneath.
Yeah, absolutely. I think understanding the issue is so essential and you know, I don't blame our generation for having like I don't, I don't think you can say, you know, that it's a huge shortcoming in us. I think it's just when things like divorce becomes so, uh, prevalent, it's really hard for us to know, you know, it is like a true handicap.
Um, and that we have to understand like, okay, why is this, why is this happening? And not just stop it. Like, okay, well we have this, oh, well, you know, like it's, it's so important that we face it and try to heal. What, what has happened and not just kinda let it go, I guess, on the psychological side. It's so interesting that when we see our parents' marriage, when we see what they have modeled for us, and if that didn't go well, it's a broken model.
We almost tend to expect the same thing to happen in our lives. And I think that's a lot of what I was dealing with through the years, especially when I started dating seriously, it was almost thinking my story was going to end or could end in a similar way that theirs did. And, uh, it was almost like I was defending against something that I thought was inevitable.
And yes, that, that is not, not good for a relationship. Is it? No. No. And it's so sneaky in that, you know, you are, you are act, it's like you're working against yourself because it's like, you want love, you want to be loved. You want to like be in a relationship and you crave intimacy to be seen, you know, to be held.
but there's this huge part of you. That's like, no, like this is, this is not safe. And so, and a lot of times that that part of you is not vocalized. Like it's not, you can't identify it. And so it's there and it's like sending off alarms, but you don't even realize that the alarm, you know, you don't understand that the, what the alarms are about.
So it's so confusing and just makes dating, especially so tricky and something that, you know, should be more of a fun, um, beautiful, you know, part of life, somewhat like painful yeah. Yeah. We're not really equipped to go about in the way that we should be. It's almost a handicap, like you said, and it makes it really hard for us to live out a good, beautiful, meaningful relationship.
And so we wanna, you know, talk about how, how we can do that, how we can, um, compensate maybe for what we weren't given. How we can build those good habits and how we can really overcome this, this fear of love. And I think, you know, so much of what we've said so far is really uncovering the problem. And I think that's, that's a main starting point.
Just the awareness, just understanding that okay. The way that my relationships have gone down so far, or the anxiety I feel in my relationships has something to do with what happened in my family. And there's so many people who just don't make that connection like we've been seeing. And so, uh, we really need to do that before we get to the solution.
Let's talk a little bit about our experience. So your experience, my experience. And like I said, in my first relationship, you know, I was afraid even to ask her out, to ask her to be my girlfriend. And even when I did. I loved at arm's length. It was really difficult for me to be vulnerable. And during that relationship, I was going through a lot of tough things.
There was, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Kind of figuring out if I wanna get married or go a different route and pretty stressful time. There was a period where I pretty much felt numb for three months. It was kind of a dark time for me. And I really wanted to open up to her about all that, but I just like, couldn't, there's something in me that wouldn't let me do that.
And I'm sure if I did, if, and if I did it in the right way, she would've been very supportive, very loving, but I was so afraid that if I showed her what was really going on with me, that she would reject me and that, you know, she would stop wanting me and wouldn't wanna be with me. And so I just kept it to myself and, uh, it was a real struggle.
It took a lot of time to, to kind of work through that. And it wasn't until I really came to a point of just accepting the fact that, uh, you know, Hey, this is what I'm going through and I can. To just be honest with her about it. Uh, it wasn't until then that I really started feeling more at peace cuz there was just so much anxiety.
So the relationship and not saying it was the only thing stressing me out during that point in my life, I was trying to make some big decisions about how the rest of my life would kinda unfold. But yeah man, that, that relationship, it certainly suffered because of what I was was going through. So yeah. I just curious, is there anything that, that you've seen play out in your relationships related to this whole fear of love?
Yeah. I mean, I think similar to you that fear of fear of letting the other person see you just, it's very difficult for me to let my guard down. I think that's something that I didn't notice right away, but then I realized like the difference between how I act with friends or people that I'm.
Comfortable with that. I, I don't have that fear of rejection that fear of, of the relationship ending. Like there are people that I, that I have like a secure relationship with, but I've noticed that it's very difficult for me to develop that with a man that I, that I like, because there's this really, really deep set fear that they're going to leave.
And a lot of times, the way that plays out is, uh, not only, you know, trying to keep things at a surface level and not wanting to talk about anything, you know, difficult, um, whether it be my feelings, whether it be a subject that is kind of touchy and then also like my stomach will hurt. It's so funny. Like it's such a physiological response.
It's something that I noticed like early on. And then again in therapy, it kind of, my therapist suggested that might be related to that. And so it makes it hard because you have to be able to open up to the other person, um, in order to properly discern and to grow together, you know, grow as. As a couple to get to know each other.
That's so necessary and in marriage even more so obviously, but it's so difficult for me to like talk about things like I will, I, I go through so much interior struggle to avoid bringing things up that are difficult, or if they bring them up, I kind of shut, 'em shut it down in turn also makes connecting difficult.
Um, and so, you know, I overcompensate in other ways, um, because emotionally, like, I don't want to go there, you know? And so there's just a lot of fear, like you said, and it's just, it traps you because. You it's so easy to get it caught up in your head of like I'm scared. And then you start spiraling instead of just bringing it to light and then opening up to the other person about your fear.
Um, it just feels easier to kind of keep it to yourself and hold onto it. And so it just makes the whole process of dating kind of painful and just di difficult. And it's also hard to even explain to the other person, you know, that you're experiencing this difficulty. And I think you mentioned this in our conversation before, it feels like you're a fraud because on the surface, you're like having fun and you like this person and you're sharing with each other and, and investing in each other, but there's a, at a deeper level, you know, you know, that you're withholding a lot.
And so it almost feels like there's a level of being ina inauthentic with the other person, which is counterproductive in a relationship. You, you have to be able to be yourself and to open. And let your guard down. And so, and yeah, I think too, like there's always those flags going off that we talked about.
I, I really like your analogy that you used in our earlier conversation about, you know, you're driving a car and like all your lights, just go on, you know? And, and you're like, oh shoot, like, something's wrong. I need to pull over. But you know, your lights are faulty. And so like, that's what dating feels like to me is a lot of the times is like, all my alarms are going off, but it's not justified.
Like there, there isn't necessarily like an actual problem. And so then it turns into this constant questioning of like, well, is this safe? You know, like it is this conversation mean we're not supposed to be together or did this gesture mean that he's gonna break up with me or like you just analyze every single thing.
And that to them might seem so harmless and insignificant, whatever. And in your mind, it gets blown up into this is gonna make or break this relationship. And especially when it comes to conflict, it's like, this is, this fight is gonna be it. Yeah. And so there's just a lot of, a lot of ways I would say that this kind of.
Has come up for me in relationships, when you said stuck inside your head or something, to that extent, it made me think back to that first relationship. And that would happen to me so much. And I was dealing with a lot of anxiety around that time. And so that certainly played into it, but some of it was from the relationship itself, just the fear that I had going into, into love.
And yeah, I would get so stuck in my head. Just like you said, constant questioning, having all these lights go off, like you said, the car indicator lights saying something's wrong with your car? yeah, something actually wasn't wrong with the car. Yeah. Made me question so many things and just overthink and overthink and just again, not live in the moment, but rather live inside my head.
And yes, I remember getting to a point where I. Started trying to ground myself in reality more. And it may sound silly to someone who's never struggled with this before, but I literally would try, would touch things around me, like whether it was a chair, um, or a table or something like that, to just bring myself into the moment instead of letting my head and my anxiety run away with, you know, my thoughts and, uh, yeah, it was a serious questioning would go on like you, I would think, oh gosh, does this mean.
That this relationship isn't meant to be because for so long, I had heard people say like, oh, when you meet the right person, you'll just know, or it will just feel right. Or other things like peace is a sign that you're supposed to be with that person and all, you know, all good things in the right context.
But, um, in my case it just wasn't that they weren't helpful because it wasn't a lack of peace because the person wasn't good or it wasn't meant to be, it truly was a lack of peace because I was anxious about relationships and about love. And, uh, I think people who kind of preach that message. It's a good thing to say in certain contexts, but in other context, it's harmful because yeah, there's some people who really have an aversion to love who really struggle with vulnerability, really struggle with, you know, opening up and loving someone in the way that they're supposed to because of what they've seen throughout their life.
And so, yeah, so I would get so stuck in my head and I would read into things that really weren't a big deal. Yeah. I think. It's like that tip about, you know, the piece it's like, you know, if you have a extreme phobia of snakes, you know, and they're like, no, no, no, if you just find the right snake, like it's gonna, it's gonna be okay.
Like, it's gonna feel right. It's like, no, you don't understand. Like, I am terrified of any snake. Like it doesn't even if they are harmless and it's not gonna bite me, like, it doesn't matter. Like I'm still going to that, that physiological response is gonna be the same. If you put me in the cage with a snake, you know what I mean?
But they're like, no, no, no, it's fine. Just get in there. Like, you'll be fine if it's the right one, you'll feel it. it's like, no, I'm really not going. Yeah. Yeah, no, I, I hate snakes. I was, uh, kind of a side story. I was in Arizona some years ago and we were going, we were tubing down this river and it was super fun.
We had like a cooler with us and everything and. I, we saw some wild horses on the side of the river. Oh, wow. So we just like pull the tubes over, get out. And we start like, of course, as young boys, we're like, oh, let's chase the horses. oh, no. So, so we start running after these horses and, uh, my friend and I are like, okay, you go that way.
I'll go this way. All right. Well, we'll try to like head 'em off. And, uh, so we're running after these wild horses, not something I recommend, but, um, but as I'm running. Look down in front of me in like a step and a half hoop. This snake just like pisses at me. Oh my gosh. And I just like froze. I was freaked out from what I can remember.
It rattled at me too. So it was like a rattle. Oh my gosh. Not something that you wanna mess with. So, wow. I just froze, counted my eyes on it and slowly backed away. But uh, yeah, not a, not a fan as snakes and stuff. so if you put me personal experience yeah. If you put me in a cage of snakes, it won't overcome my anxiety.
I promise exactly. But, um, but no, no, it's, it's a good point. And, and not to distract from the conversation, but it's like you said, almost like a physiological response that it's hard to, to overcome. And people who come from intact families may not deal with it. They really may not understand. What's going on here and that's okay.
I'm kind of glad that they don't, because that means they don't struggle with it, but it is, uh, it can be somewhat of a trauma response to, uh, to things that we've seen. And I think that it's important to say too, like you said, that it makes it more difficult to discern. It makes it more difficult to see is this someone that I should spend the rest of my life with?
Is this someone that maybe I should even be in a relationship to start with? And, uh, and I've seen it on both ends of the spectrum where you have a really good guy or a good girl, and the person is doubting. Just because they are afraid of love or on the other end, maybe the person, it really isn't good for them, but they don't have the tools and the skills to see, okay, this is going to end well, this is not going to end well.
And either way it will hurt you. And so when it comes to discerning, uh, what, we'll get into some tips on that, but that, that certainly has been a struggle for me, uh, through the years. Same and it to add to that, it really makes you feel like you can't trust yourself, which we'll talk about, uh, a little bit.
So shifting gears, we wanna talk about the solution. How do we overcome this fear of love? We have six tips for you guys. And our hope of course, is that you can face this fear. You can overcome this fear so that you can build a really good and beautiful relationship. Cuz I think Miranda, I know you'd agree with this.
We all want love. We all want authentic, love, love that lasts. And it's possible to have that even if we haven't seen great examples of it, it is possible. And so, uh, these tips guys. Are really gonna help you to, to do that. So let's just dive into this first one. The first one is accept the risk. What do you, what we mean by this is vulnerability.
The possibility of being hurt is inherent in love. You can't remove that. I kind of wish you could, but you can't. And so Miranda, it's a requirement for love, isn't it? Vulnerability. Yeah. And I, I would say that's something that you may have to sit with, you know, for a while, you know, to really. Embrace it and to feel comfortable with it, but it's kind of, you have to remind yourself that the reward is so worth it.
But I think that, yeah, accepting the risk and accepting that, like, if it doesn't work out, like it's not the end like this, isn't it, you know, there's more to the story, but I think sometimes when all you can picture is like, oh, like, we're gonna, you know, we're gonna break up this, isn't gonna work out. I'm gonna get hurt.
You know, obviously there's gonna be a huge aversion to moving forward to persevering, but you have to remember that the payoff, you know, the, the goal is love that last and you may not find it right away, but the hope is that you will, you know, and you, you certainly will not find it if you don't run the risk.
And I think, you know, there's that Lewis quote that you, you know, maybe you can bring up, but talks about how like, yeah, like the cons of not, uh, being vulnerable are so much. You know what I mean? Like the, the ramifications of never opening up your heart to someone are so much worse than running the risk and getting hurt.
Absolutely. Yeah. It's more dangerous not to love. It's more dangerous to, to not be hurt than it is to open yourself to possible hurt. And like you said, CS Lewis said it best. I'll just read off this quote. He said to love it all is to be vulnerable, love anything, and your heart will be rung and possibly broken.
If you wanna make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up, safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken.
It will become unbreakable. Impenetrable, irredeemable to love is to be vulnerable. I love that quote, because he's really saying, you know, the danger of not loving of putting walls around your heart and really not engaging in a relationship is that your heart would become hard. Yeah. And the truth is like we're saying inherent in love is the fact that you may be hurt and there's just no way to avoid that, unfortunately, in our broken world.
And so love is risky. And we're not saying of course, to throw yourself into the arms of someone who's could be reckless. Yeah. Yeah. We're, we're not saying that to accept the risk. Of course you make sure this is someone who's trustworthy. Who's virtuous, who's worthy of your love. But understanding that it love is a risk.
And even if you, even, if you find someone who is so good and who will love you, it's possible that you'll lose them. And that hurts that will hurt so much, or it's possible that, you know, maybe you think this is meant to be, but they don't. And that is really hard. And there's no way to make that easy. But it's important to just accept the risk.
And so what I've learned over the years is that love is worth the risk. If there's anything that's worth the risk, it is love. And it can be hard to believe that maybe if you've gone through some breakups or, uh, again, you've seen your parents' marriage fall apart. Other marriages around you fall apart.
You may think this just isn't worth the risk. I'm not even gonna try and Miranda, like you said before, if we are convinced that we're doomed to fail, why would we even start mm-hmm so that first step guys, uh, accepts the risk. The second one is purify your idea of love and what we mean here is one essential ingredient to a great marriage, to a great relationship, according to the research.
And we'll link to that in the show. Notes is a realistic concept of love. A realistic concept of love. And so we really need to look at well, what do we think about love? What do we believe about love? What do we think it's supposed to look like? What have we been taught that it's supposed to look like?
Like we were saying earlier in the show, our parents teach us so much about what love is meant to be for better or for worse. And so we really need to take a look at what we believe in. So often these beliefs that we have are very subconscious, right? We don't know that they're there, but they are there.
And what I've seen in my life is, as I've tried to love, as I've tried to build relationships, I've noticed that these fears and these lies are kind of all around me. And I've had to take one at a time and just address those and wrestle with those. And so it's so important to, to confront those lies and to give them the truth, kind of destroy them with truth.
And one of the lies that we talked about Miranda was I'm not built for love. Like I'm just not, I'm not built for this. It's not possible for me. And that was one that for me, was. Has been extremely difficult because, you know, when you internalize something like your parents' divorce and even to a degree take ownership over it, it really is easy to convince yourself that like, I just can't love.
I just cannot be loved. It's just not possible. And it, you know, fear in a way it works well, but it's not the most effective thing when you start to break it apart because it's vague, you know, it makes statements like that, like never or always or whatever. And so, yeah, like it is deep, um, that it's hard to really address because it is at kind of a very inherent level and has been for so long, but certainly it's brought so much freedom to, to even just question it to say, well, maybe that's not true.
You know what I mean? Mm-hmm um, so even if you don't feel ready to like completely let go of, of a lie like that, at least leave room, for doubt, at least say, you know, like maybe, but maybe not. Cuz I, I think you find that when you start. Questioning things like that, at least that kind of gives you a little bit of hope and it makes it easier to progress in the opposite direction.
No, so, so true. And one word about fear. Let's talk about fear for a second here. Fear has a role in our lives, has a role in, you know, our, our makeup as humans. And that is it, you know, helps us to avoid things that are harmful for us. You know, it's good that if you're, uh, near the edge of a cliff, that you feel some fear there, it's gonna help you to avoid falling off the cliff.
But what can happen often is that we can become so afraid and it can get exaggerated to the point where, um, it really turns into. Almost an imaginary threat, not, not a real threat. And that's what, um, Dr. Julia Eski said in a recent episode, we, we kind of think it's real, but it's not real. Or we exaggerate maybe how real a threat is.
And so when I've dealt with this fear of love, this fear of vulnerability, that's what it's been more for me, not, not a real fear. Cuz when I look back on my relationships, the things that I was afraid of, weren't good things to be afraid of. Like, like they were valid in the sense that in my experience I saw these things go badly.
Therefore I was afraid it would repeat with me, but the way that it got exaggerated, wasn't a good thing. so just curious Marinette what, what else would you add about fear? Um, yeah, I think just to challenge it, you know, it's a very, it's a learned response and it's becomes very habituated, especially in thoughts.
You know, thoughts tend to work in like cycles or something, you know, spirals. And so it's easy to go down the same thought process over and over and over again. And like, the more you go down that spiral, the more often the easier it, it gets to go down that spiral. It's almost like an addiction, you know, it's like the, the more often, you know, you eat sugar, the more you're gonna crave it.
And that, you know, easier, it'll be to like reach for a cookie or whatever. And so with thoughts, like it's almost, you have to, you have to be very conscious of. What is going on and with me internally, and be able to challenge the fear because otherwise it, because it is so big and so overwhelming, it's easy to get entrenched in that and not be, uh, not, you're not partaking in objective reality.
You're not, you're not, you're, you're living out fear, which is not, not equal to reality. I think it's so easy when, especially when there is such a strong physiological response to say like, this is, I fear this and it is real because of what I'm feeling. It's like, no, you feel something you're scared and it's also not true.
It's not what, it's not the actual lived experience that taking place at that moment. No. What you said is so good, cuz it gets reinforced. The fear gets reinforced through repeated behavior and uh, Dr. Julia made the analogy of kind of being afraid of walking down a dark alley. And maybe something bad happened to someone, you know, when they're walking down a dark alley and we're not recommending walking down dark alley
But if you, no, if you go down a dark alley and you see something moving or you see someone in the alley, you may have immediately assume I'm gonna die, I'm gonna murdered. Right. And is that a possibility that you would get hurt? Yeah, totally be, you know, be careful be safe that jumping to that conclusion, like every single time, you know, maybe walking down a street where, you know, you're not gonna be harmed, uh, would be kind of an exaggeration of that fair.
So that's really what we're getting at in so many words that the next lie that I've believed certainly, and we already brought up in this conversation is that love does not last that no matter how good it is, eventually it's gonna fall apart. And this, this really stuck with me for so long. And again, it took me a while to put my finger on it.
But what I've learned over the years is that love can last. Why because we can make it last. And we'll talk about that in a second. We need to really understand what love is first, if we wanna make it last. But one of the things that's helped me so much, just really practical tip is spending time with good couples who have solid marriages.
Mm-hmm going over to their house for dinner, spending time with them at events, doing things like that, just seeing them interact. And again, they probably don't have a perfect marriage. Nobody does, but just a marriage that you can look up to that you wanna emulate. And there's a few couples that I can think of who really have great marriages.
Yes. And I want my marriage to be like their marriage. And so seeing them though has really brought this belief back that it's possible to make love last. Even though I have tons of examples of love going really badly. I have a lot of examples of marriages falling apart of couples really treating each other badly.
And it can be so easy as humans to just resort, to always seeing the negative in things. And so it's important to also look to see, okay, who's doing this right. And how do I replicate that? And so now I, I do truly believe that love can last. It's still a temptation. I think, to think that I can't when things are hard in my own marriage, but I do truly believe that that love can last, has this been something that you've struggled with as well?
Myrna? Yeah. I mean, I would say when, whenever I am in a relationship, you know, and I've. Been blessed to like date such great guys, but even so it's always like, okay, like this is gonna end today. Like something's gonna happen. Or they, you know, haven't responded to me yet. Or I haven't heard from them or they said, you know, this or that.
And like, it's over, you know, it's just like your it's just like, my mind constantly goes to that. And it, it just makes things so much more difficult because it's like you're working towards a goal that you think is impossible, you know? But I think what helped me a lot is, and it's so such a blessing shortly after my parents divorce, I happened to babysit for a family who just this couple that has one of the most beautiful marriages I've ever seen.
I just, I was at their house like one full day, a week, if not more. And it was such a privilege to witness, you know, their family life and their relationship gave me hope for. The rest of my life, like to this day, they, they modeled for me, just the fact that God brought them into my life, like such, you know, so shortly after the divorce and for, you know, it was at least a couple years, it was incredibly healing for me.
And it was, it is what has sustained me. I think my hope for marriage and love is, was seeing them so beyond the lookout for, for couples like that, and, you know, it might be kinda awkward or, you know, uncomfortable at first, if you don't know them super well, but, oh my gosh, like it is a game changer in terms of having hope about love and marriage.
Totally. It was so helpful. I can't say it enough, um, totally there with you. And how would you say maybe that's give some people practical advice on how to build that relationship? What I would say is if you're on like a college campus, for example, start by forming a relationship with your professor, you know, whether it's the wife or the husband, and then slowly, you know, don't go up to them and be like, Hey, can I come study your.
It's probably a little bit creepy, but instead say, you know, Hey, you know, get to know them a little bit, ask them maybe, Hey, could I get coffee with you some time? And, uh, and then over time after developing a relationship, uh, you can say, Hey, you know, I come from a broken family and I wanna get married one day and I wanna build a really good, beautiful relationship.
And I'm afraid because of what I saw in my family. I see that you have a really beautiful relationship and I'd love if it's possible some time to just spend time with you and your spouse, or spend time with you and your kids. Uh, is, is that something that would be possible? You know, then maybe you can go over for dinner or, you know, depending on where you're at in life, maybe you can have them over for dinner.
And, uh, the couples, again, that I've done this with, I've done this with them. It's been so healing and so helpful, just like you said Miranda to, to, to have them in my life. And I still look up to so many of them. So you kinda have to be courageous to kinda have to go outside yourself. Because I think a lot of marriages who have, uh, really strong, uh, a really strong relationship, they may not be thinking of that.
They may not be thinking of the people around them that have come from brokenness. And, uh, don't really know what that looks like. And they may see that as normal. Whereas we see it as like really, really beautiful. And so, uh, so you kind of have to be courageous and go after that, but do it gradually do it over time.
And, uh, when it gets to the point, you could even open up and say, Hey, this is something that I struggle with. And I'd love to kinda look to you and your wife or you and your husband. A, uh, a mentor to me. Is there anything, anything else you'd say about forming that relationship? I think the more that you run in, in good circles, like whether that's volunteering somewhere, getting involved in a parish or in a ministry of some sort, like the more you just are exposed to good people, the more likely you're gonna see, um, those strong marriages.
So, you know, so it might take a little bit of proactive, you know, going to look for a group, you know, some sort of, cause maybe that you're passionate about or whatever, but they're certainly out there and they're worth finding. Totally. Yeah. So go to your church, look at your professors, uh, get involved in some ministry or something.
Just find out where the good people hang out and fund people who have good marriages and then, uh, yeah, try to surround yourself with those people because we do, we truly do end up repeating what we see around. And so surround yourself with really, really good people and good, good relationships. And this is true too.
When you get into the dating world, you wanna be spending time with couples that are on a similar path to you that wanna build love. That lasts that are not just in it for, you know, just a short fling, but they really do want to figure out if this is the person that they wanna spend or life with. And so, uh, surround yourself with those couples go and double dates, you know, hang out, do things like that.
Uh, you know, the guy can get to know the guy, the girl can get to know the girl. And I found that super helpful too, to just have other relationships around you who are kind of striving after the same thing, even if they're not able to be like a mentor to you. Um, it is good Miranda, like you said, just to run in those circles.
Mm-hmm , mm-hmm, the next slide that I believed was feelings equal love, and this is so harmful yeah, but our, our culture really, really preaches this in a subtle way. But also in not so subtle ways. I mean, all you need to do is watch a lot of romantic movies. Yep. And, um, you know, listen to music. And I really thought in my relationships that the stronger I felt for a girl, the stronger was my love for her.
And when feelings would fade, I thought that love was fading too. And so I would get freaked out. I'm not kidding when I was younger, it sounds silly saying it, but I'm not kidding. I'll get freaked out when my feelings weren't as strong on a particular day, a particular week, or even if it SMED out longer than that a month.
And, uh, and I thought that love was ending and I didn't want love 10 because I wanted it. I wanted to build love that lasted. And so, uh, you know, this played into my relationships later, uh, my serious dating relationships, but it really, really freaked me out. And so I needed to, like we were saying, purify my idea of love and really ask the question, you know, what is love if I wanna make it last, I first need to understand what it is to begin with.
And I love this quote from, uh, Pope John Paul, the second, if you're not Catholic, that's okay. He's still awesome. um, and he said that love is not merely a feeling. It is an act of the will that consists of choosing in a constant manner. The good of the beloved to the good of one's self. I wanna say that one more time.
Love is not merely a feeling. It is an act of the will that consists of choosing in a constant manner. The good of the beloved to the good of oneself. So, what you can see in that is love is a choice and feelings are certainly a part of love, but they're only a part and they certainly are not the measure of love.
You can't measure the work of a relationship based on the intensity of the emotion. There's more to it than that. Absolutely. Yeah. And I think it goes both ways. Like if you feel really intense fear, that doesn't mean the relationship is bad or, or that you should break up or that you should end it or whatever.
And if you don't feel anything or feelings, um, can be helpful, but they're not the end all be all like it's okay to experience some discomfort in relationships. You know, that's part of the growth and part of the challenge. I mean, I've experienced the same thing that you said Joey, about, you know, the, this fear of like, okay, I don't feel super, super in love and I don't feel super infatuated right now or today.
And it's just like a panic of like, oh my gosh, I have to, this is wrong, you know? And yeah. And realizing that, like that makes no sense, you know, like you don't operate other life decisions on whether or not you feel like it, you know, like, like saving money or going to the gym or, you know, decisions that are good for you.
You don't base it off of how you're feeling at that moment. You know, it's, it's a much more integrated. Process. Yeah, absolutely requires discipline. And you can love even when you don't feel it. Yeah. And, and that's a really important distinction. And I think often what I saw is that people would talk about relationships and talk about like the honeymoon phase.
And this is a big problem, I think in, uh, so many circles, but especially for newlyweds. Um, but even before the marriage, even during the engagement, during, in dating relationships, I've seen people talk about the honeymoon phase, where they almost expect things to be effortless. They expect the feelings to be high.
They expect people to get along really well there not to be much struggle. And what happened with me is there were certainly great periods of. Being, you know, really in love, but there were also periods of struggle and it would make me think what what's going on with this honeymoon phase that everyone talks about.
Like I thought I was supposed to kind of find the person that was meant to, I was meant to be with everything. We go super smoothly in our dating relationship, we would get married. We'd have like years of wet it bliss. And then, you know, maybe a few years into marriage, we would fight and then start to struggle a bit.
But up to then, you know, it was, it was all gonna be good and easy, and that has not been my . And, and I don't think there's something wrong with me. I certainly think that I struggle with relationships more than others given, you know, my background, but I think that's super harmful. And so guys, if you're dating and you're feelings, fade.
There maybe a million reasons that that happened. And maybe it is a sign that there's something else in their relationship that you should be paying attention to that, you know, maybe this isn't the right person for you to be with, but I'm very hesitant to, uh, give the advice that you should base, you know, your decisions in a relationship off of emotional alone.
In fact, I think almost never. Do you wanna base your decision off of emotion alone because it usually will not, will not serve you. Well, you have to use your mind as well as your heart. Absolutely. That's so true. Another lie I believed, and this kinda goes along with what we were saying is that if I married the right person love would be effortless.
It would be picturesque. It would be beautiful. And, um, you know, love is certainly beautiful and there's some really high highs. Um, but it's not a fairy. And what I've found is that it's usually different in reality than we picture it in our minds. And it's messy. And it's something that takes work just like Randy, you were saying with any worthwhile goal in life, it's gonna take work.
Love requires work. And, uh, you know, if you talk to any Olympian, who's one gold. They're not gonna tell you they did it by sitting on their couch, watching Netflix, it took really, really hard work, especially on the days that they didn't feel like doing it. And so that this is something I had to confront that love takes work.
And even if I found the right person for me or a person that was good for me did not mean it would be effortless. It would take, it would take work. And I really, I don't think you'll ever find the perfect person for you because we all have, um, faults. We all have weaknesses and, uh, we're gonna kind of butt heads at times and that's okay.
And that happens. But I think it is really toxic to think that, you know, if you find the right person that your love is gonna be effortless. Yeah. And I think. This, there's an idea of like that the other person, like you have to have all these things in common. You have to be perfectly compatible in all these different ways.
And I mean, you have to be compatible in, in big things. You know, I think there has to be a common ground there with what you value in life. Um, but certainly like you're never gonna find someone who agrees with you in everything who has all the same hobbies. And I think that it comes down to accepting the other person as other, and like embracing their otherness, you know, and, and allowing room for that and not expecting the person to be an extension of yourself, cuz that's not what they are.
Totally. You know, like you said, there needs to be that foundation. You need to have that common purpose. But after that then yeah. It's um, you know, you can have, you can keep your individuality it's okay. You don't need to be like, you know, perfect match in that sense. And I love the book, a severe mercy. Oh, so good.
It's so good. And I love the, the idea and maybe you could explain this better than I could, but, um, I love the idea of sharing. Yes. They thought that the couple it was Sheldon and his wife and they, they had really, really beautiful love. And basically what they said is if one of us likes something, then there must be something likable in that.
And so the other one was going to make a true effort to find the thing that the other person liked in it. And so I've seen this in couples, they just like Garrn into one thing that the other person's into and that's okay. But the result of the, what they did, what Sheldon and his wife did was really beautiful.
They would form an appreciation for the thing that the spouse liked. Um, but also they would just learn to know their spouse better and love them better. And it was just really, really beautiful in this book. And so, uh, and I, I would encourage everyone to do that, that if, you know, there's something that you're kind of resistant to go ahead and kind of entertain it.
Try it out. Um, and just if nothing else form an appreciation for why this person might like this thing, of course, assuming it's a good thing, but it, it was a really beautiful thing that they would do in their relationship. It's funny, cuz that was one of my favorite takeaways from that book as well. So awesome.
Last, uh, lie that I believed was I thought it was a gift that was not worth giving. I just felt like I wasn't enough. And I really internalized that following my parents separation cuz I thought, well, if I was, why did they separate? Why wouldn't they fight harder for us? And so in my relationships, whether it was my serious dating relationships or even just.
Interactions with girls. I would keep things at the surface level. And we talked about this more in episode eight, but just to touch on this briefly here we, yeah. We both experienced that fear thinking that I can't really show people what's underneath. And if I do, then they might like leave. They might get bored and, and walk away.
Um, we were afraid that if someone would see the real me, then they wouldn't like what they saw. And, uh, man, that's such a debilitating fear because it prevents you from revealing yourself. One of the main, you know, things is, you know, you can only be loved to the, to the extent that you're known. You know, I.
Aquinas. He's a kinda philosopher Saint in the Catholic church. He says, you know, to, to know, is to love. Like there has to be a precedent of understanding before you can truly love. And so if you don't, if you withhold, if you don't reveal yourself, like you're not able to love, uh, or to be loved. And so that idea of like, I'm not good enough, or I'm, you know, X, Y, Z, if it keeps you hold up in yourself, like it's not allowing the other person to love you.
And so you hit a wall in my relationships. This would come out in me, flirting with girls, but not allowing it to go deeper. Mm-hmm just holding myself back because I was generally afraid that they wouldn't accept me. And so, yeah, it's so important to really allow the other person to see you as you are, because one of the measures of love that I've learned one of the ways that you'll.
Feel the most loved in a relationship is if someone really understands you and really knows you, and if you're preventing them from doing that, you're never gonna experience that love that we all long for. And so what I've learned over the years is that I am a gift worth giving and worth keeping. And I've learned that through my relationship with God first and foremost for me.
Um, but also through my friendships, they've really taught me that, um, you know, I'm, I'm a good man and I'm worth, worth, love and worth keeping. And that has, has been really helpful. And then that extended into my dating relationships. And we'll get into that in a second, but, um, but that's been so helpful.
So the second tip purify your idea of love. Number three is do it scared. And what we mean here is it's okay to feel afraid. And I say this a lot on the show, but courage is not the absence of fear it's acting in spite of your fear. It's okay to do it scared. And so some tips to overcome your fear. First, we just have to face it.
We have to recognize that, okay, this is, this is what I'm afraid of. This is my fear before we can attack it and overcome it. And, uh, one of the things that is so useful and overcoming fear, which Miranda and I have both found useful is getting it out of your head. Don't just keep it in your head, cuz in your head, it's very loud, it's big, it's scary and could overwhelm you.
And so you really wanna get it out of, out of your head. And um, one of the things Miranda that we talked about was journaling. Yeah. I mean, I'm a big journaler. I've been journaling since I was like 12, but it's, there's something about writing it down that is extremely cathartic. And um, even if you don't right away express it to the other person, you know, just seeing it in words makes you realize that, okay, like this isn't what's happening right now.
It's just kind of, what is, I guess, taking place more internally and I'm really amazed at how instantaneous. The effect is for me. And, and it's not always the case, but a lot of times, like as soon as I just put the words on paper and say, this is what I feel, it's like the power of the words or the feelings is reduced.
You know, it becomes words on a paper and not my destiny . So I think just the actor journaling, you know, even if you're not someone who, who enjoys writing necessarily, or, or is comes easily to you, even if you just say it on paper, the way you would say it to another person, just the act of doing that kind of takes away the power of fear and.
And like those internal processes, because you realize that, you know, it may not be, uh, your objective reality at that moment. Fear is so convincing, I guess it's really good at just totally convincing us that it is true. And what it, a lot of times it does that by like the physiological response that comes with fear, like of the anxiety, like your is tight or your head hurts, or you're shaking, you know, whatever it is, it becomes.
Yeah. And so you're like, this is what I'm feeling and I feel it so strongly. And so I know it has to be true. Mm-hmm and writing it down makes you realize that, wait, no, this is just what I'm feeling right now. It's not necessarily what's happening. It's not what the other person is feeling. It's just, what's going on with me internally and, and even examining, okay, like why do I feel this?
You know, the more you can delve into it, I think the better off, you know, the more helpful it is, but yeah, just. Fear is not truth. Don't let it bully you into, you know, into thinking that like that, that is the only option that it's the only outcome or whatever, like fear has no place, you know, in your life, at least overwhelming, debilitating fear should not dictate our decision.
So yeah, so fear at the end of the day, a lot of times is just a feeling and writing it down can help us wake us up to that reality. Another tip you gave was practicing mindfulness, just being present in the moment that you are not letting your mind get taken away with whatever you're thinking about or afraid of in the moment.
Because like you said before, it's so easy to just spiral just to get pulled into kind of a circle or repeating circle of whatever you are afraid of. And so, uh, really just living in the moment and, uh, focusing on what's around you, the people around you can be so helpful. And I, like I mentioned before, even touching things kind of grounding myself in reality was, was really helpful.
And so just getting guys getting it out of your head. Yeah. I think also understanding that like, Fear can be such a powerful tool. You know what I mean? Like mindfulness, what has helped me too, is also like you said, touching, but also like hearing and smelling and like, you know what I mean? Like going through all the senses of like, what's going on with you at that moment.
Yeah. I know that's a tool that a lot of therapists use to help people who, you know, deal with intense anxiety, um, or even non intense, just anxiety. So, uh, so we can use it here too. Yeah, it's really, it's really good. The last tip to overcome your fear is act. And what we mean by this is action is the antidote to fear.
So if you can act, even when you feel afraid and you can move forward, even if you're feeling really nervous or scared, then you will eventually overcome your fear. And this has worked in so many areas of my life. Whether it's from giving a talk on a stage to a lot of people or, you know, doing something else that I just maybe don't feel a hundred percent ready to do, or, you know, I'm just nervous about.
And so just act, just act and do it scared. And as you do this over time, you'll build up that muscle. You'll better be able to do things scared. And then you'll notice also that you become less afraid as you do that again and again. Yeah. Fear wants to paralyze you. And so even if. Don't know what the right thing to do is like, just doing something is so much better than doing nothing.
And in doing something, you are already opposing fear, you know, because it wants to hold you captive. And so in just like taking a step, even if it's not, you don't know if it's the right step, but just doing something you're already in a sense, beginning to conquer that fear. That's like a squirrel standing in the middle of the road.
Like just make a call go right. Go left. It's OK. It's really worse if you just stay right there where you're at. And so yeah. Act, act so good. So tip number three, do it scared. Tip number four. This is a quick one. Start with good friendships. Start with friendships that are safe. Start with people that you trust people that you have experience with people you've known for a while, if possible, and practice vulnerability in those safe friendships.
This has worked for me, whether it was, you know, my good friends from high school or, you know, the friends I got to know in college and really trusted, uh, I would open up to them more and more. And as I did that again, it was almost like strengthening that muscle. I was able to do that in my romantic relationships as well, which were a lot scarier than those friendships.
And so practice practice in those kind of safe friendships. So tip number four, start with good friendships, tip number five, go into romance gradually. And, and what we're saying here is just, don't dive into romance headline. It's tempting, honestly, when it's kind of funny, we're talking about being afraid of love, but there's almost like an opposite extreme where people just dive into romance.
Once they find someone who they feel that they can trust and open up to, they, they think, oh gosh, I feel like I couldn't love anyone. Couldn't trust them. And now I found someone I can. So I'm just gonna go full force. Hold off on that. Gradually gradually build that relationship. And if you think of something like a tree or any plant, it grows over time.
Gradually. It's not something that just grows typically overnight to be big and strong and beautiful. It takes time mm-hmm . And so your relationship should take time as well. And one thing that I would say is, you know, start with a friendship, build a friendship, if you can, it's not always possible, but even if you can't, once you start dating, focus on the friendship, there, don't always focus on, you know, the romance, the feelings, holding hands, kissing, like focus on things that you both like to do, focus on spending time with other friends of yours and just build that solid foundation.
Because I can tell you almost been married two years at this point, and it's been wonderful and beautiful, but your friendship really is the rock, the foundation upon which everything else is built. And so if you go into romance gradually you build that foundation of friendship. Then you're gonna be so much better off in the long run.
And I would say too, like I always remind myself that patient is like the first descriptor of love in Corinthians. And I think that for us, especially who struggle with love, like we have to be patient with it. Like we have to understand that we're maybe not gonna be able to overcome all our fears right away, or we're not gonna be able to like divulge all we would like to right away.
And that's okay. Like we're not SP you know, that's not like a necessity, that's not a requirement. Like it's okay to take your time in unveiling, you know, yourself and to do so slowly. And, you know, even if it's, you know, even if there's a element of frustration, cause you're like, I wish I could, uh, feel super close to you right away.
But I think that, that it's okay if that doesn't happen, you know, immediately. And like, there's time you have time, you know? Yeah. To practice that patience. Even that uneasiness that comes along with. Going into a relationship when you're afraid. I think we kind of have to sit in that and get comfortable with it.
And as we walk through that, you know, you can't really go around it. You can't go under and above it. You kind of just have to walk through it. Uh, what you'll realize it, it won't be, it won't control you as much as it maybe did in the past. And by gradually walking through it, it will you'll start learning.
Okay. This person is safe. This relationship is safe. Yeah. I might be hurt, but I'm willing to take that risk cuz. Ahead of me, the, the possible feature that I have with this person is worth it. You know, this person is worth it. And so, yeah, I think so many good things are built over time. They're, they're not masterpieces don't happen overnight.
If you think in art, I love Italy. And you know, if you go over there and you see just gorgeous, gorgeous statues and these gorgeous paintings, you can't think that this happened overnight. Like this is something that often took especially many of the beautiful churches. It took years, and even generations of people, like maybe the grandfather started it and then the, you know, the father continued it and maybe the grandson, the son of the, the father finished it.
And it's just kind of crazy to think about cuz we live in a culture with so much instant gratification and things are just at our fingertips with technology, which is good in a lot of ways. But, uh, we tend to think that our relationship should work that way as well when that's just not the case, something great, like this takes time to build.
And so don't rush into, uh, take time and really build that solid friendship and. Things will go so much better for you down the road. Absolutely. Tip number five, go into romance gradually. And our last tip number six is, rely on others to help you discern. And what we mean by discern is rely on other people to help you make a good decision about whether this is the person you wanna spend your life with.
And so, like we were saying, sometimes it can feel like we're walking through a foggy. Or we're driving along a foggy road and we don't really know where the road goes. And so we need people in our corner who are helping us to discern to figure out if this person is good for us, are we a good match? Do we suit each other?
Is this something that I want to do for the long haul? And so, um, I think it's so helpful to have people in your corner and if, if you can your parents, but I understand that so many of us, obviously the majority of people listening, I would say, come from broken families. And so we might not feel like we can, but maybe you can rely on one parent or maybe there's a mentor you can rely on, or maybe a family friend, or maybe like we were saying that couple, that you've.
Gotten close with who has a really beautiful marriage. Maybe you can involve them in your relationship and just kinda open up to them and say, Hey, this is what I'm thinking about. The relationship. This is where we're strong. This is where we're weak. What do you think are these red flags? Are these things that you think should prevent us from going forward towards marriage?
And so it's, it's really important though, to have people in your corner really hit the nail on the head. I, I think the more we rely on ourselves, the worse off we be, because even being young and not having a ton of experience, like that's already. Makes it more challenging, right. But on top of that, we have this intense anxiety and, uh, aversion to love.
And so if you get caught up in your own head and, um, try to rely so on yourself for this decision, like there's just there, you're gonna make very little progress, I think. And even, you know, if, if you are religious and you pray like a lot of times prayer doesn't seem very fruitful either. I think, um, because it turns into just thoughts or fears or circulating as opposed to, um, being open to what I guess the answer you're looking for.
And so I think talking to someone else, just another person to voice, you know, your concern or your hope can be so much more helpful and so much more fruitful than you just going in your own head and it's challenging and it can be kind of awkward, you know, but hopefully it's someone that you already have a good relationship with and that you trust.
And so there, I don't know, I just, I'm just thinking of all the times that I have gone to one of my friends or. Someone that I look up to and said, you know, this is what I'm, I I've had this fear right now. And in, in my mind, in my, uh, experience, it's like this fear or this concern is totally legitimate and it's totally true.
And there's no, there's no other way and blah, blah. And then you talk to someone else and you're like, wait, maybe it's not, you know, may they, they able to offer an alternative, you know, which a lot of times we're not capable of coming up with on our own. And so I, I really can't emphasize enough, like the importance of bringing these things up to someone else, especially, you know, like you said, preferably someone who maybe is farther along, uh, in this journey than you, because I think they more often have a little bit more insight and advice to offer.
Um, but even if it is a friend, I think it's worth bringing up. If you feel like there's no one else you can talk to because a lot of times they can offer. At least like an alternative that isn't like confirming your worst fear, that that's really good advice and it can be in love. It's hard to see clearly it really is.
And, you know, there's, you hear people talk about the, the love hormone oxytocin and that, you know, can really blind you to seeing the faults in another person or, you know, that that's one component of this conversation is just that it's just helps to have someone who's kind of objective on the sidelines to just help you judge the relationship.
Um, but then SP speaking specifically to fear, they can help you overcome that. And so really, really good advice. And, but the last thing I wanted to say on this one, like I said before, is if there's a lack of peace in your relationship, I wouldn't take that as a immediate sign that you should jump ship.
And like I said, there's a lot of speakers and writers who kind of allude to that. Maybe they don't say it outright, but they kind of allude to that. And it's possible again, that that's pointing to something in your relationship. That means that you shouldn't be together. But I would say dig deeper.
Especially if you're someone who. Is anxious and afraid when it comes to love. So just ask the question. Why, why is there a lack of peace and what you may find? And what I've found in my relationships is it has more to do with my fear than the relationship itself. And so, uh, again, I wouldn't base your decisions off of emotional alone, but objectively look at the relationship overall.
And so yeah, this last tip, uh, I think, I think is so, so useful. So tip number six, rely on others to help you discern. So guys, I hope these tips have been helpful for you. And in closing out the show, uh, again, just wanna remind you the whole purpose of overcoming your fear is so that you can form those intimate, meaningful, joyful relationships.
And in my life, uh, not only my romantic relationships, but also my friendships, but in a particular way, my romantic relationships. My marriage have been some of the greatest joys in my life. And from everyone I talk to who has been married for a long time, much longer than I have. Uh, they say it's just so beautiful and it gets better over the years.
So I really, really hope that these tips have been helpful for you. And we just wanted to briefly show that it's possible for you to overcome your fear. And I have to say, I'm married now. Like I said, I've been married about two years at this point. And, uh, yeah. Even going into the relationship with my now wife, I had so much more confidence, so much more courage.
I'd gone through a lot of healing on my own, through counseling, through spiritual direction. And, uh, just received a lot of affirmation from my mentors from, um, you know, my friendships. And so that just allowed me, made me into a better stronger person. And so when it came time to pursue my wife, it was, um, it wasn't as difficult as some of the previous relationships.
And there was a lot more peace. There was still some fear. Not saying I didn't deal with it, but there was a lot more peace even down to my wedding day. I remember your wedding day can be super nervous and most people are really nervous and that's totally okay because it's a big deal. But I, for some reason, I just had a lot of confidence that day.
I was happy. I wasn't nervous leading up to it. Don't don't get me wrong. But that day I was very confident, very happy. And, uh, I think it was due to a lot of the intentional work that, that I had done and others had helped me do leading up to that point. And so that's what we want for you guys. We want you to get to that point where you can, you can overcome that fear and it is possible, and you may still be struggling.
You may be struggling with your fear of love or vulnerability, but that's okay. Just keep fighting. Do the things that we said. And if you guys have any feedback, let us know. You can let us know, um, at the link I'll give you at the end or feel free to just reach out to ReSTOR and then let us know, but it's really it's worth it.
It's good. You can overcome this. I really was terrified of loving relationships and now I'm married. And so if I could do, you can do it too. So Miranda, anything else you, uh, wanna say in closing? I think it's so beautiful. Yeah, thank you for sharing that just as a child of divorce, and I'm sure anyone listening can attest to this.
It is so difficult and it's so hopeful just to know that other people who have gone through this are able to like find love and to make it work and to find healing. That's such a grace and yeah, I'm very grateful that you have had that experience and that you're willing to share, share about it.
Absolutely. I'm more than happy to share. I think for me, obviously I'm not as far along as you are in. Process, I think, but I mean, just from my first relationship to now seeing how much more awareness I have, I think that's, you know, such a game changer, just bringing awareness into the situation, but also especially comparing my last relationship to now seeing how much easier it's been to handle the fear and to handle the anxiety that comes.
Like, I think before I was such a, like, I was such a victim to, to the fear and to the anxiety and it made dating so hard. And even though like I was dating a great, great person and, you know, he was certainly so good and so many ways, um, I think that my fear was like, just so crippling that it made our relationship, you know, extremely difficult.
And I don't think that that was necessarily the only problem. I don't think it's the only reason it didn't work out, but it was painful and. I notice now over, you know, a few years later, having gone through some healing, having, having worked more in therapy and process more of what's happened. Um, I feel like this time around it has been easier.
It has been easier to combat the fears and it doesn't the fear isn't as intense. It's not as overwhelming and it, and the process itself isn't as painful. And so, um, and, and there's more, I think there's more hope too. There's more hope that like, you know, maybe it could work out like maybe it is possible.
And so just to see like the difference starting out, you know, not understanding, not knowing, running, running from love because I was so scared to still being able to persevere in spite of it, even though it's not completely gone, it's so amazing. And it, and you know, there are days. It really sucks and it's hard.
And, and I resent it and it feels like I'm, I haven't made much progress, but I, I really know that overall I certainly have. And if that's where you are right now, where like it sucks and it hurts and it, you know, you feel like there isn't, um, a way out like it, there really is. Like, there really is so much hope and it it's a long process, I think a lot of times, but, um, if we keep just like putting a foot in front of the other like that, I think that's the main thing.
Absolutely. Just keep fighting, keep, keep pushing on guys. And so I hope, hope these tips have been helpful for you Miranda. Thank you for sharing all that you did, especially right there. And, uh, you know, I think the people listening, especially who struggle with this are gonna be able to find all these tips useful and everything we've talked about hopefully will be a sign that there's hope.
Yes. So guys, thank you so much for listening and, uh, yeah. Hope to have you back soon. I appreciate your time. Of course.
In closing out the show. I just wanna repeat the six tips. Number one, accept the risk. Number two, purify your idea of love. Number three, do it scared. Number four, start with good friendships. Number five, go into romance gradually. And number six, rely on others to help you discern. And so my question for you is which one of those tips is most helpful for you right now?
And my challenge to you would be to get after it, put these tips into action, unless we act these conversations while they may be cool to think about and talk about they're kind of useless. And so put this stuff into action, and if you're struggling and you need some additional help, feel free to reach out to us.
In fact, you can email me directly if you wanna talk about this@joeyrestoredministry.com. Again, that's Joey J O E Y. Restored ministry ministry is just singular.com. Joey restored ministry.com or maybe this episode helped you, or maybe you have some other sort of feedback. Feel free to email me. Feel free to reach out to me.
I'd love to hear from you. The resources mentioned are the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 17. Again, that's restored ministry.com/seventeen one. Thank you so much for listening. You are the reason that we do this. If this has been useful, please subscribe and share this podcast with someone that you know, who could really use it.
And always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
