#048: Fear Became Reality: I Am Just Like My Father | Bart Schuchts
As a boy, Bart Schuchts thought his family was normal. But in reality, it was very broken. When he was five years old, his dad left after cheating on his mom. He remembers his mom crying herself to sleep at night. Seeing the devastation his dad left, he swore to never be like him.
But in college, his worst fear came true. Sleeping around and using women, he realized: “I am just like my father.” Thankfully, his story didn’t end there. In this episode, he shares:
How he overcame his anger, lust, depression, despair, and self-hate
The hurt he felt from opening up to the wrong people about his struggles
How he learned to have compassion for his father and even forgive him
Links & Resources
Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
Enjoy the show?
To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.
As a bonus, you’ll receive our free ebook, 5 Practical Tips to Cure Loneliness!
TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
So often our families look normal on the outside, but on the inside, they're very broken. And that was the experience of my guest today. As a little boy, he honestly thought his family was normal, but eventually it came to light that his dad was cheating on his mom. And following that affair, his dad just left the house, abandoning them.
When my guests were just five years old and he remembers his mom crying herself to sleep at night and seeing all this devastation, he swore never to be like his father. He swore never to hurt women the way that his dad had hurt his mom. But years later in college, his worst fear came true after sleeping around and using women, it hit him in the face.
I am just like my father. Now though he was tempted to despair. Thankfully, his story didn't end there. Eventually he turned everything around, but he shares how he struggled with anger, loss, depression, despair, and even self hate, but eventually was able to overcome those things. He talks about how opening up to the wrong people in his life was actually really harmful.
He explains what it felt like for the wound, from his dad's affair to be ripped open again. When his girlfriend cheated on him, he opens up about how eventually he learned to have compassion on his father and even forgive him to the point where they were able to rebuild their relationship. And in spite of all his brokenness, he talks about how he's been able to build a beautiful marriage, be a father and help people heal through his nonprofit.
Now I'm so excited to share this episode with you. It's such a powerful episode, such an inspiring story that honestly left me speechless at time. This man has suffered. He's made mistakes. He's looked despair right in the eye, but he's come through the other side. And so there's so much hope in this episode, especially if you feel.
Like he did, if you feel like giving up. So keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 40 Aiden. Today. I speak with Bart. Shoot. Bart is the founder of church on fire.
He has more than 28 years of ministry experience and has been associated with a John Pauli healing center since its inception. Following a desperate plea to God while in an NFL locker room, which you'll hear about in this show, Bart had a powerful encounter with God's love. He is a regular speaker with the John Pauli healing center and has been instrumental in the center's growth.
He's been married for over 25 years and has four children. Now guys, I'll be honest with you. Bart is so real. He's probably one of the most real men I've ever met. It's so inspiring. It's so helpful to talk with someone who's so real now, as you heard, he is a Catholic Christian. And so we talk about God, we talk about faith and if that's not you, if you're not open to anything like that, my challenge to you is this, listen with an open mind.
He's not here to force you into a relationship with God. He's just here to share his story. And I know that even if you don't believe in God, even if you're not open to that right now, you will get something out of this episode. In fact, I know you will relate to his experience a ton. If you don't want anything to do with God.
In fact, if you hate God, I know you're gonna relate to him. Here's my conversation with Bart shoots.
Hey, Bart, welcome to the show. Thanks so much for making time for this. Yeah, Joey, thanks for having me like so many people listening right now. Uh, you come from a broken home. Tell us about that. What happened and how did that impact. Oh, yeah. Joey, I don't know what you're talking about, man. I came from a perfect family.
like all of us, right? Yeah. Uh, you know, it's funny. I, I, I laugh about that, but you know, we actually believe that, which is crazy. I think next to the word deception was our family picture. If you Google that you're on there. Yeah. there we're, but you know, it is how it appeared growing up. My mom and dad, you know, had had seven kids and, uh, I was the second youngest.
Uh, my dad upper middle class worked. IBM, good. Solid family. Went to church, you know, just kind of your, from the outside, everything looked great. And yet when I was two, uh, as the story goes, uh, my mom found out that my father was having an affair and it just shattered everything. And by the time I was five, my dad walked out the door and, uh, we moved from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Down to Miami, which the way I would survive my life at that point was the life of survival. Uh, like you said, in a broken home, just not a lot of people on my street were from broken homes. I was one of the only, which added to my problem. And, uh, it just wasn't as prevalent, you know? And, and, uh, I remember I would go over to my friend's house, you know, and I'd watch them interacting with their fathers.
And I would just look at that and I'd be like, gosh, I don't even know what that's like, you know, mm-hmm . And, uh, I, I would go into my room, my mom's room at night as a little boy, and I'd watch her cry herself to sleep. And, uh, I just grew this deep anger and deep hatred for my father. And yeah. So it's just, it's, it's definitely, it's affected my entire life.
You know, I grew up with a lot of anger, a lot of he hatred, uh, depressed. Uh, disillusioned, just struggling with despair, feeling like I would never really have what I desire because I was a little boy. I desired dad, you know, and desire walked out the door when I was five years old. And, uh, yeah, that, that deeply impacted me and it affected my entire life.
And for most of my life dealt with anger, you know, uh, I wouldn't even say dealt with anger. I just lived out of anger. Yeah. I just kinda angry at the world, you know, just, uh, feeling alone and if it's gonna get done, it's up to me, you know, just all kind of things and just constantly striving, uh, which, which worked as a fuel in my dreams of being a professional athlete, but it, it was destructive, you know, just beating.
At my interior of my heart. Wow. Yeah. And on that last point, that's, um, kind of tricky, a tricky situation because you, in one way, like you said, it worked and so you were affirmed in continuing that behavior because, um, did you played professional sports, right? You played in football, um, in the NFL. Yeah.
Well, I played, uh, college football at Florida state and then had a chance at my childhood dream of playing in the NFL, uh, when I was with the Tempe Buccaneers. Wow. Uh, in camp is actually when my life took a major detour, uh, for the better, but it was the end of that dream in the beginnings of other things.
But yeah, so, and then I played arena football, which is, uh, one is, uh, not heard of arena football. The way I describe it is if you. Get beer thrown on you and make no money play arena football. it was indoor professional football. And I did that for four years. Okay. Wow, incredible. So you, you reached a very high level in the athletic world, so, you know, it's, it's interesting to see like your idea of like self sufficiency and just pushing yourself and living out of that drive that anger that you felt, um, it worked in a way.
And so that was probably confusing, um, in other areas of your life, where it was destructive. Yeah, absolutely. Uh, you know, it, it, by, by outward appearance, you know, not much like my family growing up by outward appearance, things looked great. You know, I remember I was at Florida state. People would say, gosh, you have it made, you know, you're playing in front of whatever.
We had 70,000, 80,000 fans. And, you know, back when I played 1987, uh, we finished 11 and one my senior year. Uh, wow. We finished number two in the country and you know, we played major games, you know, national TV all the time, big, big time games, big time moments. And yeah, from the outside, everything looked great.
And, and I was, I was putting on that facade, you know, and, and, uh, everything looked great. But what people didn't know is when I was alone in my room, And, uh, the, the self hatred, the shame, the, the depression, anger, fear, disillusionment to life, all the things that were there when I was a little kid, uh, would pop up when I was alone in my room, you know, kind of like ping pong balls.
If you tried to hold a ping pong ball, the water it's gonna come up, you know, mm-hmm and, uh, these things would pop up, but I would just ignore them and just go, no, man. And I would just go get busy. And, uh, just living the, the quote college life, you know, what everyone told me was the best years of your life, you know?
And I'd be like secretly in my heart. I'd be like, if these are the best years of my life, I don't know if I wanna live anymore. Cause I'm miserable. You know, that was, that was my interior reality externally. That's not what people saw. Wow. And that's so common. We've seen that a lot with people, especially who come from broken families, like.
On the exterior, we can actually be very successful people like high functioning, good in school, good at our jobs. Um, but like you said, on the insight, we're just like falling apart and, uh, and it's, unless you articulate that or, you know, bring someone in, be vulnerable. It's really hard to, for people to understand that.
Cuz they see things going well for you and, and, and how do you share it? You know, I remember several times going to some of my best friends, you know, uh, some of my teammates, I remember having some, you know, some deep open conversation, at least for what I was capable of at that time. And I remember going to one of my friends and going, man, don't you don't you ever just feel, you know, guilty or, or don't you ever just feel bad?
You know, like, you know, cuz I was just living this lost life and don't you ever feel depressed, you know? And he'd be like, he'd looked at me like what is wrong with you, man? What is wrong with you? So it's like, didn't exactly encourage me. To share it more, you know, like fortunately I had a brother, you know, my brother, Bob, who, uh, was, is, was a psychologist.
And so every once in a blue moon, I would give him a call, but honestly, I didn't wanna call him because he would always tell me about religion or, you know, God, or coming back to the church and be like, yeah, great, Bob, that's you a man. But I, I didn't, I didn't want to hear that. I wasn't in the place to hear that.
And, uh, I mean, he, he, he would give me great advice and great counsel as well, but that was interiorly of me. I was like, you know, I, I was hesitant to reach out, um, because I didn't want to hear that. I just wanted someone to gimme some answers and help me right now. Uh, in my, in my, I. Pain. And, uh, and, and my brother, Bob did help me a lot, but I, I just didn't reach out because I'm concerned that someone, everyone had an agenda, you know, they either were gonna tell me I was weird or there's something wrong with me.
Hey, get your act together, tough it up, you know, or, or, you know, try to get me to come to church or, or whatever, and just, I didn't really know of a place that I could just go and just go, Hey, I don't know what's going on inside of me. Can you just genuinely help me? yeah, man. I can relate so much with that.
I remember. Yeah. Like freshman in college, I was dating a girl and I just was going through a really rough time. Like for months I just felt numb. Just felt nothing. Mm-hmm , mm-hmm and dealt with anxiety and depression during that time. And I just didn't know how to articulate it to. I literally couldn't find the words and, and I'm, I was so afraid that if I opened up to her, she just wouldn't handle it.
Well, even though she was a great girl, um, she just came from such a different background, like a great family. She was like a very healthy and whole person. And I just felt like she wouldn't understand. And I didn't know how to go about that. And I, I really struggled to even understand what was going on inside of me.
Like you articulated so well, right there. So, yeah, man, it's a tough spot to be in. Ah, it's a tough spot. I remember a couple relationships that I had, you know, girls that I, you know, I loved, you know, one of 'em I thought I was gonna marry her and you know, we were close and, and I remember sharing some of this depression and, and some of these places, interiorly and boy, she just, she didn't know what to do, you know?
Yeah. She just went through, you know, and, uh, I think it was the beginning of the end of our relationship. She eventually cheated on me, you know? And then I had another girl, you know, it was just kind of infa. It was infatuation. I wouldn't even say it was love, you know, it was infatuation and a few months in, you know, I shared with her, you know, cause I just, I felt like, okay, here's some people I could share.
What's really going on inside of me. And I just, I shattered her image of me, you know, this exterior image and it wasn't long after that, you know, she says I've never loved somebody and hated somebody so much in my life. And then the relationship ended and I'm like, okay, I can't share this with anybody.
They're gonna reject me. Which was really the, the core of my wound anyway, you know, which I wasn't really in touch with, but abandonment, my father walked out the door, so just kept playing over and over and over again. I felt like I was in a trap. I didn't know how to get out. Wow. That is that's insane.
Honestly, it's so, so hard to go through because like you said, she was that that girl was more in love with the idea of you than you. Exactly. And so you learned that, okay. I'm just gonna be what people want me to be, what they need me to be. And that is so common. We see that left and right with people, young people come from broken saying it.
Yep. Good way of saying it. Yep. I want to go to what you said about the girl kind of withdrawing and then cheating on you. That is so devastating, especially cuz you saw that growing up, like you were cheated on in a very real way. Yeah. As a boy. Right? Talk about that. If you would, how did that impact you?
Yeah. Boy sh devastated me, you know, you know, here, I think I'm I found the one, you know, this is my freshman year of college. Like I, I found the one, you know, my intentions going into college was, you know, I wanna be a, I wanna be a good guy. You know, I wanna, I wanna reach my dreams. I wanna get married one day, have a family.
I wanna, you know, those were my intentions and, and honestly, a lot of it was I wanna be different than my dad. You know? Yeah. I don't wanna be like my dad, you know, in fact, I, I made a vow, which I didn't know much about, but, you know, I made a vow. I will never be like my father. I will never hurt a woman the way my father hurt my mother, you know?
And so I, I was determined. I'm gonna be different, you know, I'm not gonna be like that, man. You know, I'm gonna be different. And so here was, man, I meet this girl. I'm like, okay, here we are. You know, finally I met my wife. My first year of college is amazing. And, uh, and like I said, you know, a few months in, uh, I start disclosing some of these darker secret places in my heart and this place of depression and pain and, and, you know, she didn't know what to do with it, but she didn't say anything.
You know, she just kind of acted like it was normal, but I could feel her distance. I could feel, you know, that. And then the next year, so we went through summer and I was trying to get ahold of her and she wasn't returning my calls. I'm like, what's going. And then, uh, the next year I go back for, for football camp, we had to be there two weeks before all the other students for our practices.
And, uh, she was supposed to be back cuz she was a swimmer in college and, and uh, she wasn't back. And so I kept trying to call she wasn't returning my calls. Finally, she returns my call. And she says, yeah, I'm not coming back to school. And I found somebody else. I'm like, what do you mean? You found someone else?
You know, it's like, what are you talking about? And man, I couldn't, I couldn't function. I literally, I couldn't eat. I mean, for at least a week it felt like two and my emotions, my, it was just nodded up. I had stomach aches, you know, I was just, it was so deep. I was like, what the heck? And then I couldn't function.
And then football, I wasn't doing well. And it just was, you know, I, I kept making bad plays and it was, it was rough. It just, it impacted everything. And it just sunk me into a deep depression and it was like, oh my gosh. You know, I don't know if, I don't know if I can ever find wild. I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm looking for.
You know? And I wasn't connecting any of this to what happened when I was a kid or my upbringing. I wouldn't, you know, and I, I said, my upbringing. I had a great family. My mom, you know, she was amazing. She just loved us. She, she was, she provided all she could, but she couldn't make up for the Roy, you know, of, of the absence of my father who walked out when I was five.
But yeah, it just, all this stuff was just hitting those deeper places. I had no idea. I was just, I was just spiraling. I, I had no idea. And then I just had to toughen up, you know, and I learned from playing football, I was like, oh, you get you fall down, you get back up, you know? Okay. I'll, I'll get back up.
And so, you know, within a couple weeks, I'm back and I'm performing and you know, all the things you said before, you know, I'm just externally, I'm doing fine now. I'm doing good. You know, I'm experiencing some success, you know, but interiorly, gosh, train. Yeah. Uh, I hear you. It's just heart wrenching to, to hear and just I'm sure to think back that younger version of you just going through all that it, yeah, it just, it's so hard.
And that's so interesting. What you said about not connecting with connecting your current struggles or the struggles you were facing then with then with the, the issues and your past with your broken family. That's super common. We've seen like that lack of awareness, uh, seems to be everywhere and it takes some maturity.
It takes some awareness. Like I mentioned to really connect the dots. I'm just curious. Why, why is that? And how can someone. Go through that process who maybe is in that place of like, not, they're not aware. Um, how do they come to that awareness? Yeah, boy, that's a good question. I'm not sure I'm not, I don't know if there's a blueprint.
I mean, I sure. You know, it's, it's, um, I think it's a protective mechanism that we all have, you know, it's like we can, we can handle so much. And, and as people we're amazing, you know, our, our resiliency is, is amazing. You know, like some of the things that people gone through, I mean, makes, makes my story look like nothing.
And, uh, I mean, some of the things that I've heard over the years and some, you know, it's just like, oh my gosh, it's so painful. Just listen to, and I just think, you know, the, the way we're wired, the way we're built, you know, we're very resilient. You know, we can persevere, we can endure, we can, we can externally succeed and, and make things work for me.
It just all caught up to me. You know, it, it just, there just came a point. Like there was several times through college that I'd be like, okay, I gotta change, man. I gotta change. I didn't know how to change. I, I really did have change. I remember there was a time me and this, my friend, uh, he was an offensive lineman.
His nickname was peanut. He was a good old country boy, you know, from Georgia and big old boy. I mean, he was probably six, five by two 80, just massive built and wow, just a good old, good old boy and, uh, a good friend of mine. And I remember he and I one time, maybe that same year, maybe my freshman year of college, I don't remember.
I remember we were sitting out, you know, on a steps and, uh, he and I were having as deep a conversation as we were both capable at that time. Mm-hmm and I just, I was saying to him, I said, you know, I need to change, man. And he says, yep. Yep. and, uh, there was a leaf on the ground and, uh, I, I reached down and grabbed this leaf and I flipped it over.
I said, peanut, it's time, we turn over a new leaf. And he says, yep. Lasted about a month. That was, you know, that just typified my college years. I'm like, okay, I know I gotta change. I know I gotta change because after, after a few relationships ended, I, I came to the point of going love doesn't exist, you know, love doesn't exist.
And so I just lived for temple pleasure. Now I just walked away from everything I believed and valued and, and just gave up. I was so depressed and so discouraged. So disillusioned I there is gave up. And it was in that season and I would just feel guilty. And when I was alone in my room and full of shame and self hatred and all this stuff, and I was like, I gotta change.
And you know, I just didn't know how, honestly, I didn't know how until my senior year is like everything caught up to me and then it was like, oh gosh, okay. How do I change? You know, that, that, that, that was that work for me. You know? And I, I think for every one of us to answer your question, I just think that we each, we each have our own journeys, you know?
And the biggest thing I would say is never give up, never give up because, because there's gonna be answers, there are answers and, and you just have to keep persevering. And I knew that. And so I just kept going, you know, I, I, I, I, I entertained taking my life so many times and I was like, no, I'm not a quitter.
I'm not gonna do that. I'm never gonna quit. I'm gonna persevere. And, you know, little did I know, you know, that I would, I would make my way through it, but I, but I. Amazing. It's hard to, to know that in the moment. Right. Cause everything can just feel hopeless, but you're in a much better spot now. So yeah. I am curious what, what changed?
Like what happened? How did you eventually find healing? It sounds like it was a long journey, but, but what changed? Yeah. Yeah, it was, you know, and you know, through my four, actually five years of college, I, uh, I tried everything. Honestly. I tried everything. I mean, I got into positive mental attitude stuff and you know, and I'd put on this good, positive mental attitude and it worked, you know, I, I was able to succeed.
I would, uh, go to, you know, psychology. I tried, I tried everything I could think of, you know, relatively good things. I, I went to church a few times, you know, I, I, I would go and give it a shot and go to church. And that would last me about a week or a month, you know? And then I would go right back to my vomit, you know, by my vomit, as you know, after my freshman year, when I just gave up on love, it was just, it was just partying, womanizing, you know, just, just living.
Totally lost from who I really was. And just, it just totally just, I mean, a good guy externally, but just, just totally lost. So it was my senior year, you know, and I remember my dream was to play in the NFL. And so in the football field, I had some successes, ups and downs. Now it's my senior year and I'm starting on that team that I said eventually finished 11 and one number two in the country.
And I'm on track for my dream. And I'm like, this is great, you know? And, uh, got a bunch of friends and success and you know, the team's great, everything looks wonderful. First play of our second game. I got injured and I missed four games. And in that season I was confronted with my life and it had happened several times over the five years of my college journey.
But this one just feels like the last straw. And, um, I actually, I met this girl. And, uh, we're just talking at a, at a bar and, um, she we're hanging out for about 45 minutes, you know, or drinking and hanging out. And I had intentions, you know, and here we were, and, and she, uh, looks at me and she says, I hate you.
I'm like, what, well, what are you talking about? I mean, we just met, you know, and she says, not only do I hate you, my whole sorority hates you. And I was like, whoa, what do you mean? I mean, your sorority knows me. Yes. And then she mentions three girls. It is painful even to recall. I mean, this is probably 37 years ago, you know, and I, it's still painful.
And she says, you know, she mentions three girls. She says, because of you, each one of them tried to take their own lives and went, oh my God, you're kidding me. And I thought to myself, whoa, this isn't a game, man. And then what hit me? What hit me in that moment was, oh my gosh. I'm just like my father. You know, I made that vow.
I will never be like my father. I will never hurt a woman the way my father hurt my mother and I'm worse. And my self hatred man was just like, whew, all I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I just hated myself. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm a real jerk
And uh, and then this girl says to me, a beautiful girl, she says to me, besides I'm a Virgin, I was like, what? Tell me about this. I was intrigued. I was like, whoa. And I remembered back to when I was 18 years old. When I was in high school, I said to my buddies, when I get married, I wanna be a. And they, of course, you know, said that's a wonderful idea.
No, they laughed at me. They called me names. Uh, I mean, gosh, I will never say that again. Within a month of that, I had lost my virginity and then it, it, my story of the next six years, you know, uh, it caught up to me now and this girl says, I'm a Virgin. I'm like, oh my gosh. Wow. Is it possible? Like, is that even possible?
This girl obviously chose this, you know, like, is this even possible? And it just, it opened my eyes to like, hope. Like maybe my life could be different. Like maybe I can change. Maybe I really can change. Maybe I can marry someone. Maybe I can have a good marriage. Maybe I don't have to be like my father, maybe, maybe things can be different.
And, and that began a process. And then it was a few months later that I get invited to the Tempe buckers and as a free agent, which those listen to me, that just means, you know, you, you didn't get drafted. You were brought in, they, they paid you a little bit of money. And you have a chance to try out and make the team, but it's not a great chance, but I had a chance mm-hmm and so it was there, it was there in between practices, in the temp bay Buckner's locker room that my life radically changed.
And I don't know if you want me to go into that or not go into that, but that's, that's, that's what really happened. I needed something beyond myself. Uh, I think it's an alcoholics anonymous. They talk about a higher power. I needed something beyond myself to help me out of the pit that I was in. And I didn't know what it was.
I mean, I grew up with religion. I mean, I, I, I grew up, you know, my family went to church. I, I tried in college, but it, it, it, it wasn't clicking for me. It wasn't working. Uh, and it was there. It was there on the, on the, actually on the toilet. in the locker room, the Tempe Buccaneers on the, on the doorstep of my dream that I just came to an awakening and just said, uh, God, I don't even know if you will.
I really don't even know if you will. Uh, I need you to show me. If you're real, show me you're real. And that began a year of just things I never saw coming that were just so amazing and, and have, have radically changed my life. Wow. Incredible. Yeah. I, yeah. We'd, I'd love to hear, um, kind of where it went from there, from that locker room.
Yeah. So I I'm saying that prayer on the toilet , uh, in the locker room of template, bucking it a strange place, you know, for this to happen. Yeah. And, uh, and before, before I was, I was actually petting myself on the back going look, how far you come, man, look what you've overcome. You know, you're at the doorstep of your dream.
This is what you wanted since you were eight or nine years old, you know, I was just kind of pat myself on the back and it hit me. I'm like, man, I'm M. I'm I'm miserable. Uh I'm I'm so depressed. I don't wanna live. This is what I thought would make me happy. This is what I thought every man wanted. And it's not enough.
And I don't know where to turn. I don't even know if I wanna live, what do I do? I wasn't gonna go talk to my teammates. mm-hmm, hasn't gone well for me in the past, you know, unfortunately. And, um, I was like, what am, what do I do? And sitting right there, I just, I cried out, like I said, I just said, okay, God, Hey, remember me?
You know, part here. I need to know if you're real. I mean, I know Jesus died for me 2000 years ago. I that's great, but what good does that do me right now? Mm-hmm I need to know if you're real and if you're real show you so real to me, if not. I don't wanna live anymore. I'm done. I'm worn out. So now it's a week later.
No one knows that that's just private in my own heart. And no one knows, like I said, this prayer and I, uh, a week later I get the dreaded call. My dream of playing in the NFL comes to an end. I go back to Tallahassee and here he is, again, my brother, Bob, eight years older than me. We're playing golf. And he's telling me about this men's week.
And he went to, and he's telling me about some of these guys' stories. He doesn't know. I had said this prayer. I I'd said, I said this prayer. And he's telling me about these men and I'm listening and he's surprised I'm listening because usually I'm like, yeah, Bob, that's your thing, but I'm listening. And then he says, Hey, Bob, we have another weekend coming up.
Would you like to go? And I remembered my prayer and I said, yeah, Bob, I'll go. Oh, really? You'll go. Yeah, I'll go. . And uh, you know, I jokingly say if, if Bob would've said you're gonna be on a weekend with 50 men. Who were gonna hug one another and say, I love you. I would've never gone. yeah. Right. I was not ready for that.
And, and, uh, but sure enough, here I am on this weekend with 50 men who are hugging one another and saying, I love you. And I was uncomfortable with that. I was stiff as a board, but you know, I was there and, uh, it is, it was 10 men shared their, their testimonies, kinda like I'm sharing now. And two of them deeply impacted me.
And, uh, one was a politician who talked about how he had been unfaithful to his wife and destroyed his family. I felt like my father was up there repenting. I was like, oh, this is touching me. Oh, this is strange, you know? Yeah. And then another man, uh, he was JC man of the year. He wanted to be JC man of the year and said for 10 years, I sacrificed my marriage, my children to be this business man of the year.
And he got invited to New York and among all the men, they call out his name. They hand him a plaque. He makes a speech. And as he is walking off the stage, he hears a voice in his head, said book in your hand. He said, I looked at my hand and I saw a piece of wood. With my name on it. And he said for this stinking piece of wood, I sacrificed my entire life.
He just wept. And he said everywhere, he went, he just started weeping. He would go to convenience store and he would just start weeping. Wow. And, uh, and then he said, all of a sudden, he just started feeling that's presence. And, uh, and, and so I'm listening and I'm like, okay, this is, this is interesting. Now it's Sunday.
And you're sitting around these tables. Have you ever been to one of these weekends? You know, there's, there was six men to a table, 50 men in the room and you're doing little things and a little skits and little things, you know, little, little too cheesy for me, to be honest with you. Mm-hmm I was there. I, I stayed and, um, and then you get letters from loved ones and, and, uh, Bob who's on the weekend with.
Writes me a letter. You, so Bob has always been in my life and influential in my life. Even growing up, he was the one stable one, you know, and he, uh, he was kind of a father figure in some way. He's eight years older than me. And, uh, here he is on the weekend with me and he writes me this letter and Bob says, bar, I just wanna let you know.
I love you. And I'm proud of you and I'm reading this going, what is he drinking? And what is he talking about? He loves me. I don't love me. He's proud of me. What are you proud of me for? I just failed at the only thing that I was good at. I'm I'm what do you mean? You know, and so I thought, well, I should thank him.
So I get up, he sees me, we meet in the middle of the room. The guy reminded me of my father and the politician was standing behind us. He says, you two brothers need to hug. And he pushed Bob and I together. And he just, the walls of my heart just collapsed. I just started sobbing. I don't remember having cried like that ever in my life.
And I'm sobbing. I mean, it was like a damn broke open, and I'm sobbing in Bob's arms, just wailing and Bob's crying. And I look around the room and every man's crying and I, I feel this presence fill the room and I'm like, whoa, this feels great. What is this? You know, and I'm, I'm just sobbing. And then interiorly, I hear this voice and, and I know it's God.
He says, Bart, I'm your father. I'm a father to the fatherless and I love you. And I lost it and I just absolutely fell apart. And I was like, whoa, man. And then there was a priest there and I went to confession and I mean, I unloaded all my mess and, uh, and I told him, I said, man, just, uh, a few weeks ago I was in the locker room with the Tempe buckers and I cried to God and I said, God, I need to know if you're real.
And today he showed himself real. I said, I wanna give my life to Christ. I wanna follow him for the rest of my life. That was 32, 33 years ago. And, uh, it's honestly, it's my biggest passion. And it is the reason my life changed. I mean, it was like in a moment I encountered what I've been looking for my whole life, which was love, you know, God doesn't just love us.
He is love itself. And I honestly, I didn't experience that in, in, in church. I didn't experience that in my Catholic school to be quite honest with you. Um, maybe it was my fault, but I, I, I never experienced that until. I was, what was I? 23, 24 years old. I'd come to the end of myself. And that's when it was almost like he was waiting for me.
And he is like, okay, now I can, now I can move. Now I can, now I can penetrate past these barriers, these walls and, and get down to his heart. I didn't realize all the walls that I had built up. I didn't realize all the self defenses that I had. I mean, if someone would've talked to me about God or told me about something, I would've, it would've been like, you know, to beware the dog sign, you know, they'd have got close with, oh, you know, I just, I didn't wanna hear it.
And, uh, I, I was just, I was hardened and I was, but it was, it was when the walls of my heart broke down, but it took some circumstances that honestly woke me up. And then, and then God had room to move in my heart. It wasn't religion that grabbed me. It was, it was God himself and, you know, good religion represents that good religion brings us into that kind of experience and the encounter, but it was, it was him, it was, it was his presence.
And, uh, it was, it, it changed me forever. Wow, incredible. So inspiring. And like you said, you know, if you would've tried to do this on your own or had someone try to orchestrate all this, it wouldn't have worked. And so it's amazing how, yeah, God, God works in mysterious ways. And it's so good to, to hear you were able to, to turn things around.
Cause there's so many people who go exactly through what you went through and they don't find that help and that hope and just devastating. It's so sad, Joey, it's so sad, you know, and, and I get it, you know, I get it. Um, but it's just so sad. It's so sad that, that one it's sad that, that we, as the church.
Have not done a better job of just representing that love. Yeah. Just being honest, you know, we gotta own that. We, we haven't done, we haven't done a good enough job of just bringing that presence and bringing people into an encounter and, and, and loving people, you know, so often we're judging, you know, I felt judged.
I felt judged growing up. I, I, I did, I did not feel, I did not feel the love now. People probably tried, you know, but my barriers were so thick that, you know, I didn't let them in, but it's, it's sad. You know, it's really sad. So many people are hurting and, and just needing, needing to be loved, needing to be seen, needing, to be heard, needing to be value.
And, uh, frankly, I don't, I don't think we've done a good job of that, you know? And I think that's changing. I think we're, we're waking up, but it's, you know, people like you, you know, that are, that are sharing the heart, you know, the, the things that really matter, you know, the depths of the heart, we all have a heart, you know, we all have that in common.
You know, we could talk about all the things that divide us, whether it's religion, whether it's race, whether it's politics, all that stuff. That's just the external garbage, you know, the reality is we all have a heart and when we meet each other at the place of the. That's that's when things really start to happen, at least that's, that's my story.
That's when things really happened and changed. Yeah. No, it's incredible. And I'm so inspired by you and your vulnerability and the work that you've done. It's incredible. And I, I wanna share that with our audience, with everyone listening right now, but before we get to that, let's talk about your father.
So obviously there was just a lot there, a lot of wounds there. Tell us, how did you overcome that, that hatred of your father? Oh yeah. Uh, and that's, that's, that's, that's a great question and a great, great journey. You know, as I said, I hated him. I, I, I, I hated him. I had no relationship with him. I don't remember him.
He left when I was. I had, there was times when I saw him and it just wasn't a pleasant experience. I didn't know him. Um, there was a time when I was 12 or 13, I went and visited him and that was good and painful at the same time. Cuz he just sat on his Lazyboy chair and here's this man who's called my dad.
I just want relationship with him. We did have an impactful, uh, conversation, but it was, I didn't, I didn't know him, you know, I didn't know him. And so here it was after I encountered God, the father, you know, and it had just, it changed. Um, it was a whole journey and I went to an Institute of ministry. I, I did a lot of things in that time.
Went through, got freedom from what I think probably was a sex addiction. And a lot of things changed in my heart. And in my life, there was a lot, a lot has, has happened in the last 33 years. But one of the things that happened, it was probably three, four years after that encounter that I just shared, I was just, I was just alone.
I actually went out into the woods for eight days. wow. With just a hammock, a tent, water, a journal in a Bible. And, uh, I, while I was there, one of the things God was speaking to me about was to forgive my father. And I was like, no, I can't forgive that, man. I actually had a name form. It started with an a and it would hold.
I said, there's no way I'm gonna forgive him. And, uh, and this is how candid I was with God. I'm like, no, I'm not forgiven him. I'm not forgive him. And then I, I read and I read a scripture and it says, unless you forgive, you will not be forgiven. And I honestly had the mindset of fine. Then you don't have to forgive me.
You know, I was not gonna forgive this man. I mean, I was like, no way. I felt like I was giving him, you know, a pass, like, oh, it's okay, dad, you know, it's okay. No, it's not okay. You ruined my, you ruined my life and no, I am not gonna forgive him. And, um, and, and I was just hard, man. It took me a while. It took me a while.
And then one day I was actually reading another scripture and it says a good tree produces good fruit, a bad tree produces bad food. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit and a bad tree cannot produce good food. And as I'm reading this, all of a sudden, I start looking over my family tree, my mom's side, my bad's side.
And I saw all the destruction, just the, the affairs, the divorces, the drugs, the alcohol, the womanizing, the, you know, the, you name it. I just was seeing it. It was like, whoa, my gosh, my family, tree's a mess. And you know, and, and we, we have a great family and, and, but yet. We all have our brokenness in our dysfunctions.
And it was like, it was just being magnified. And I was like, oh my gosh. And then I saw my own journey and I was like, oh man. And I'm some of the worst fruit on this tree. You know, I'm like nine college years were just horrible. And some reason in the midst of all this is I was just owning my own mess.
All of a sudden, I just had a compassion for my father. I was like, you know what? My father's just like me. He, he was lost and broken and, and didn't try, didn't know how to get past his own struggles. And that's what led to his decisions that were very destructive. And that's what led to my decisions that were very destructive.
And I was like, all of a sudden, I was just like, I was able to forgive him cuz I had already been forgiven a few years earlier. Jesus had forgiven me and I just felt cleansed. And yet I wasn't able to forgive my dad. And then here, all of a sudden I had this compassion and I was able to forgive him and it was just like this weight off of my shoulder.
So it's like, oh my gosh, you know, I have a compassion for my father. I, I get it. I understand. It's not okay. I understand, you know, forgiveness is one of those things. It's like, we think, okay, I'm gonna forgive and, and okay, that's getting them off the hook. There's no way I'm gonna forgive that person for what they did.
They grow my life. Now, I think true forgiveness is sitting down and counting the cost. You know, you gotta count a cost before you can forgive a debt, you know? And it's like, so it's like just sitting through and going, okay, dad, this is what you cost me. You know, you cost me my childhood. You cost me my, you cost me the, the pain I watched my mom and my siblings go through all the things that you cost me and my journey and my life, you know, my choice is yes, but you know, if you were there and then, and I just kind of went through it all in my, in my own head and my own imagination, I was just like, you know, and I just counted the cost.
I didn't hold back. I just, I just kind of let him have it in my imagination, you know? And then I was like, okay, all right. He's he's just like me. All right, dad. I forgive you. I didn't know this Bob had done similar around the same season of time. And then it was just a, a little while after this few months after this, uh, Bob reached out to my dad, my brother, Wayne who's two years older than me played football at Virginia and played, tried the NFL as well.
And his and my dream was to play in the NFL together, successful business man at the time and still is, but was, that was kind of his life not going to church. My brother, Dave, um, my brother, Dave, when my dad left, he was 13. He became a heroin addict in and out of prisons and, uh, just lost and, and is so Bob invites him.
He comes our half brother rich, who is the result of my father, uh, second marriage, which my mom didn't know about my brother-in-law Nick, my brother-in-law Ken and myself. We all went to this men's event that Bob invited us to, and everyone said, Wow. And here we are with our dad and we're under a gazebo.
My dad very close. We don't know him. I mean, here's this man called dad? I don't know. As a father, it's just really strange. And, um, we're sharing and talking and, and interacting. And we started asking our dad some hard questions because the nature of the, of the mens of it, he was open and he shared his childhood.
He shared the affairs. He shared his journey. He had regret. And, uh, and it was this real open conversation when this weekend ended. I didn't know this, but I'm with my brother, Wayne. And again, Wayne and I shared football together, but we didn't share it this level, that what was about to happen. And, uh, the phone rings and Wayne picks up the phone and I'm listening as well.
And it's our brother, Dave and our brother, Dave told Wayne and I that he had aids. He had gotten a hold of a dirty needle to heroine. It had gotten aids. And Wayne and I put the phone down, embraced one another and just started sobbing, sobbing. And, uh, it was just this brokenness. And then we watched our brother Dave go through this process of his body, just dwindling.
He actually lived his last year's and my brother Wayne's house in the process of his dying and suffering my father, my mother, all my siblings. Uh, we'd all gather at Wayne's house and to take care of Dave. I mean, just broken humbling times, you know, people having to bathe him, change him, shriveling down.
I mean, it just really difficult, painful time, but in the midst of that difficulty, We had healing as a family. Wow. We would cry in one another's arms. We would forgive our dad, sent us all a letter asking us to forgive him. And he was for being an alcoholic and his choices and the different things, and all this healing was happening and it was miraculous.
It was just amazing healing. And then after Dave died, Dave died on my brother Wade's birthday in his house, in my brother Bob's arms. And my father's arm breathed his last in my father's arms. And at his funeral, we all read excerpts from Dave's Bible. So babe, David had a change of life in this process and Dave would highlight these scriptures and then write these notes that it was his desire that his, his suffering, his illness would bring healing to our family.
And that's exactly what happened. Uh, very profound. Uh, and then, uh, started having a relationship with my father. We started going to men's events together. Some of the men's events, Bob and I would be speaking, I would share very candidly, some of the things I'm sharing now, uh, even more detail, the hatred that I had for my father, my father would be in the audience and people would go up to my father and they would say, how are you doing with this?
You know, how are you handling your sons being so candid about this? And our father's answer was, I think it's beautiful that God could take my mess and my mistakes and redeem it. And, and in turn he said, I'm so proud of my boys, you know, and just beautiful. And then his, his last year of life, I mean, there's just, there's so much more I could tell you, but just, just beautiful.
I mean, God's redemption is incredible and he's so real, so much more real than, than, than we even allow people to see . Yeah. Um, it just it's, it's, it's incredible. Uh, the forgiveness, I, I love my father. He, he died a couple years ago and just had a beautiful. Last month of his life, where he visited all his kids and just more healing and more things.
And I don't know if you want me to go in any of that, but it's just, they're all, you know, beautiful. Just, just beautiful things that God did. I mean that that's the only place I can give the credit. There's no way we could have orchestrated any of this amazing, like you're literally making me tear up.
It's just unbelievable how much change happened, how beautiful the transformation was of your family and, wow. Wow. I, I don't, I'm a little speechless, to be honest with you. Yeah. Yeah. So beautiful. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I'm sure we could talk forever. Sure. You have so many stories. I, I did wanna know, comparing your life now to what it was, you know, when you were in college, like contrast that for us.
Like, what is it like? I could never, I could never have imagined what my life would've been like two years past that point. I didn't know I was gonna live honestly. I was daily fighting just to, just to keep persevering and, and living. And thank God thank God. I never quit. You know, I never quit. That's one of my greatest strengths is I never quit.
I persevere, I get up, you know, I fall down, I get up, you know, and I'm so glad I I'm so glad I've had that. And, and you know, a lot of that's been instilled from my family, my mother, um, just to never quit, you know? And thank God. So yeah, man, here I am now 30 whatever years it is now later, I'm 57 years old, married to my wife, Brooke.
We've been married 25 years. We have four children, three girls, boy, 24, 20, about to be 2218 and then 15. I I'm, I'm traveling the country. Sharing my life, my story, hoping to do the same thing you were doing, which is bring hope in life and, and, and, and, and help help people, you know, help people. I just remember all the times, I just felt so hopeless and helpless and powerless and just, oh man.
And I wanna see, I wanna see, I want to give people hope, you know, but I know it's not by just giving them a bunch of nice things. It's it's, it's, it's it's by the power of God. Yeah. That's that's my passion. I'm I'm living a dream, living a dream. Amazing. Amazing. Like, God is good. It's so incredible to see that the change in your life.
And it's so inspiring too. I know you've given me hope and I know everyone listening, uh, as well. What would you say to someone listening right now? Who is moved by your story, but maybe they're like, I'm not ready for this God stuff. Yeah. What would you say to them? How can they heal? What steps can they take?
Yeah. I mean, I, I get it. I hope you hear that in my journey. I get it. And I get it. I wasn't ready for the God stuff either. You know, and honestly, in some ways I'm still not, you know, I don't like the way it's represented. Sometimes I don't like the way I represen him sometimes. You know, I, I, but, but he is our source of life.
I mean, he is, he is our source of life. He's one who created us. He's the one, he is the answer, but it's not necessarily the way he's been present. That, you know, it's and like I said earlier, you know, we need to own that. So forgive me on behalf of the church for misrepresenting him, because when you encounter him himself, when I encountered him in that moment, it was like, I realized, oh my gosh, this is what I've been looking for my whole life.
I've just been looking for the father's love. You know, he, he is the answer. He is the answer, but honestly just, just pay attention to your heart. No, don't, don't, don't put up all the, the walls and the facades. That's, that's, that's only hurting you, you know, a and as I know that from my own journey, it's only hurting you.
Yeah. You gotta be careful who you let in, you know, those vulnerable places, but there are people that can help and reach out, but just like me and the silence of your own. Just say God show me, show me, just lead me. Show me amazing. Amazing. I know, uh, you, like you said, you travel the country doing ministry and speaking to people.
Uh, what do you guys offer? How can people learn more about you if they want to? Yeah, well, I have, uh, I do, I, I work for two different ministries. One, uh, is with my brother, Bob JP two healing center. It's a JP small lives, uh, JP small life, small eye healing center.org. Uh, you can go on there and you can see all the events that we offer and different things we offer.
And then I have my own ministry, my own website. It's called church on fire.live. L I V E. You can go on there. I have online courses, uh, which are different sources, different tools I've won on knowing purpose and, and desire. I have other ones, an equipping material that I have. I have one that tells the story more in detail called encountering the father's love.
I have some from events that I had done, some things on there that I, I try to price low, so that make it available to people. You can go on there. Incredible. Okay. Thank you. I even saw some of those you were given away for free, which is super generous of you. And I wanted to, uh, yeah. Give you an opportunity to just share maybe one story of transformation that you've seen in helping people through your different ministries.
Uh, cuz I know you guys are super effective at what you do. And I just want people to know that if they were to work with you, that you know, maybe it wouldn't happen the same as the things that you've seen, but there is so much potential and hope there. So yeah. What, what sort of transformations have you seen in people who, who do work with you guys, man?
Uh, you know, Joey, I've seen so many things, uh, as you're asking, I'm trying to think of a specific detail. Maybe one will come as I share this. I I've seen, I've seen incredible things. I've seen miracles. I I've seen people, physically miraculously healed cancer. I've seen, uh, metal pins and plates in people's back and they were able to bend over and touch their toes for the first time in their life.
I've seen lives emotionally, radically changed none of this by my hand, or anyone else's hands all of this by the power of God. Um, this is what, this is what Jesus came to do. This is, this is the real, this is the real Jesus who, who, who came to set us free. You know, he says, uh, he whom the Lord sets free is free.
Indeed. You know, as you come to Christ, old things, pass away, all things are made new. You know, that's my story. You know, I've seen countless thousands of lives, uh, radically transformed at an emotional level. And just through, through God encountering them in very profound ways. You know, one, one little story.
That's just kind of a general one for those who are, who are churched and, and, and maybe not experiencing this, this, this tangible presence, but a guy just recently shared with me that he. Had been, he had gone to, he'd been a Catholic, his whole life gone to masses entire life. He's 60 years old. He had gone first through 12th grade Catholic schools.
And, uh, and he said, after an event, he said, I never know the presence of God like this. I've never felt his presence and the presence of holy spirit like this in my life. And I never really understood what it really meant to be Catholic until today. And I've been, I've been radically transformed. My life has been changed and, and, uh, I'm so excited to continue on, like, this people's lives.
We do events with priests and, and the healing they go through is profound. You know, people that, you know, whether you're in the church or not in the church, you know, from the media and the church is getting rocked with scandals. And, and we see that we've seen that on both sides. And we're seeing tremendous healing and transformation in individual's lives and countless people's lives.
And yeah, I mean, I, I, I'm just trying to think of some specifics, uh, beyond that, but no, that's incredible. To be honest, you, God's amazing. Yeah. God's amazing. Incredible, incredible. This is possible for every one of us, you know, and honestly, I mean, I. I don't mean to talk bad about it, but sometimes religion upsets me, you know, because we've represented this thing on this, this external source, you know, mm-hmm and, and, and it has to come from the depths of the being the heart has to come from the overflow of the life of the presence of God.
It has to be with the very presence. The holy spirit, the church even says to call upon the holy spirit every day. He is, he is the source of life. If you never walk into a church, you know, that's your choice, but just try, just sit there in your room or wherever you are and just say, come holy spirit, come Lord Jesus.
Just give him, give him a shot. Just invite him. . Yeah. And, and he, he is the transformation. He is, there's a, there's a, there's a quote in the church that says this. It says the fire of the holy spirit is the transforming end. The fire is the transforming energy of the holy Spirit's actions. Mm. He comes like a fire that warm, that just warms up the depths of our being and reaches us at the core at the heart.
And it it's the heart. The heart is the place of transformation. The heart is the place of life or death. The heart is the place of battle. The heart is where we've been inflicted with these wounds and the heart is where Jesus wants to come and set us free and bring us life. And the holy spirit will bring his transforming energy and life and passion into your heart.
And I pray that even as I'm saying this, if you're listening that he touches you now and that he brings hope and life and healing to your own heart. Beautiful, incredible. And I totally agree with the kind of the misrepresentation of religion. It's, it's very sad and hollow and it's sad. I love that.
You're changing that and yeah, if people wanna follow you on social, are you on social? How could they do that? You know, I do have some social media, but honestly as a my generation, man. I, I flounder with it, you know, I that's okay. I have Facebook page. I have, uh, uh, Instagram, I have text, but honestly, I don't even know how to manage any of 'em I need a come alongside of me.
There you go. Help me, you know, but they can go on to, uh, let's see. I don't even know what my Facebook page is, but my name bar shoots. They can probably find it. Sure. Um, on Instagram, uh, I guess it's the same Twitter it's uh, at bar shoots. S H O O T S. It's spelled differently. My real spelling is S C H U C H T.
Um, but I don't post a lot. I just try to, you know, I just kind of post stuff with my family. Li honestly, I need a, I need a millennial. Who's gonna come alongside again. take all that stuff and get it out there. Yeah. No, that's fair. No problem at all. We'll make sure to link to all those in the show notes guys.
So you, uh, don't have to remember all that Bart. Thank you so much for being here. I, I just wanna give you the last word. Uh, what encouragement would you give to someone listening right now? A young person listening right now who, who feels stuck, they feel broken. Maybe they hate themselves the way that you hated yourself, what would you say to them?
What encouragement would you give them? Um, especially if they're wrestling with this whole trauma of the breakdown of their parents' marriage and their family. Oh man. I, first of all, I, I feel your pain. I, I it's real to me. I, I understand it. It's, uh, one never give up. Don't. Don't quit, no matter what the temptation is, don't quit.
I remember I used to sit in high school, the end of my uncle's dock. I lived with him, my high school, my senior year, feeling lonely and depressed my world falling apart, all kind of things happening. And I remember sitting at the end of his dock, looking out over the water, looking out to the other side of the river and just going what's on the other side, man.
This is what it looks like right now, but what's on the other side. Little did I know that was preparing me for the journey of, of my life. It's like, there's hope on the other side, there is hope on the other side and, and just keep pressing in. And Jesus is that hope and I'm not trying to push religion, but he is the answer.
Not, not, not in the negatives of religion, but him himself. He is our source of life. He came to bring us abundant life, call on him, ask him, do like I did God. I just need to know if you're real. I mean, I've heard all this stuff. Just show me, just show me, show me, lead me to the right people, show me, but never, ever, ever, ever give up.
And I understand if you struggle loving yourself. I understand that completely. Not until I encountered love himself that I learned to love myself. You know, God is love. And, and I love myself today. I love myself, uh, not in a weird way, but in a healthy way, love yourself. Never give up.
If you want more content from Bart, you can find that at church on fire. Dot live again. That's church on fire.live. Once you're on that website, click online courses, and then you can choose a course and you can buy it. Now, if you're not ready for that, you can click on store on that website. Again, that's church on fire.live, and you'll find some, uh, free previews of the courses that he offers.
If you wanna know more about the John Paul to healing centered, you can just Google JP two healing center, or you can go to JP II healing center.org. You can click on the schedule on that page, and then you can sign up for a live event if you'd like to attend one of their events. One takeaway from this episode for me, is that it's so important to find the right people in your life to talk to about your struggles about your broken family.
Because like Bart said, it can actually be harmful to talk to the wrong people. So the question really is how do you find. The right people to talk to, to open up to, I, I think there's a few principles that you can follow. One is look for someone who has empathy, the ability to really put themselves in your shoes, even if they haven't been exactly through what you've been through, they can put themselves in your shoes.
Next. I say, find someone who won't judge you, someone who will just listen, who will just accept you as you are now. Not saying they're gonna prove of anything bad that you've done in your life, but they'll just accept you. And they'll love you wherever you're at in life. Next. Find someone who is trustworthy, someone, you know, who is gonna keep your story.
Keep your struggle secret. They're not gonna go tell everyone. They know. Another point is find someone whos suffered. I've found typically that people who've suffered and especially learned to deal with it in some healthy way are more trustworthy. People who haven't suffered much in life. They tend not to be able to relate with you, especially when you're sharing something deep and heavy with them.
And so I'd say find someone who, you know, has been through some stuff in life who's suffered next, find someone who's older and wiser than you. Someone who can offer you guidance, not just listen to you, but maybe offer some advice for how to deal with whatever you're dealing with. Another benefit too, is they can help you keep healthy boundaries with them and other people in your life.
Because so often when we bring our problems to someone, there is a temptation, especially for people like us to develop an unhealthy reliance on them. And so they could help you keep those good boundaries, which will help keep the relationship healthy. And then lastly, I'd say it's usually best if you're a man that you go to another man, and if you're a woman, then you go to another woman.
So quick recap, look for someone who has empathy, who won't judge you, who's trustworthy, who's suffered. Who's older and wiser, and who's typically the same sex as you are, but you might be asking, how do I know that they have all these characteristics? The first thing of course is maybe you've seen these characteristics in that person in action with other people, or maybe even with you, if you haven't seen that, maybe you've seen hints of those characteristics, or you've heard other people talking about that person saying, oh, they're really empathetic.
Or they've been through a lot in their life or they give great advice. And then once you've figured out someone who you can open up to, then it's just a matter of improving that relationship. You might have an opportunity to be there for them. Maybe if they're more of your peer, as opposed to a mentor.
But whatever the case, ask them, if you can talk to them, tell them, Hey, I'm going through a lot of stuff in my life right now. And I just need someone to talk to. Is it okay if I open up to you and see what they say, honestly, they might not be able to help you at that point in their life. They might be in a rough spot and they might not have much capacity.
That's okay. Find the next best person. And even if they are available, it might not go perfectly. It might not go how you imagine it to go. But if you do the things that I mentioned, you'll be on the right track and the likelihood that they're gonna be open and helpful. Is gonna be a lot higher now to help along those lines.
We've built an online community here at restored, and it's just a safe place for you to speak openly about the pain and the problems that you face. It'll help you not feel so alone. And you'll be challenged to grow into a better stronger person. And recently we started doing online, uh, digital virtual meetups, where we all get together on a call and just talk about stuff we chat.
And we also discuss, uh, different things. And we talk about the pain and the problems in our lives due to the breakdown of our family and our parents' divorce separation, all those things. So this is a group of people, young people. Like you, who you can be a part of who you can talk to. You can find support from, if you wanna join, just go to restored ministry.com/community.
Again, restored ministry, ministry, singular.com/community. Fill out the form. And then we'll communicate through email to add you to the group. The resources mentioned during the show notes@restorministry.com slash 48. Thank you so much for listening. I really hope this has been helpful. It's been useful for you.
If it has been, I invite you to subscribe and share this podcast with someone, you know, who could really use this content. Always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
