5 Tips to Conquer Fear

This post was originally featured on the Culture Project blog.

Be not afraid!

Simple yet epic words. Hearing St. John Paul II shout them in his passionate Polish accent is powerful. Coming from a man who lived it with his every breath, those words have always inspired me to be courageous and never settle for mediocrity.

Still, that phrase confused me. It led me to think that fear should be absent from my life, that it should be non-existent, and that I should never feel afraid. However, I knew it was impossible to completely extinguish fear from my life. With fear present, was I just a coward?

With time I learned that it’s okay to feel afraid. That does not mean, however, that we allow fear to control our actions. We must act in spite of it. That’s what John Paul II meant when he told us to be not afraid.

In my post on the demands of really loving someone, I said that fear is crippling. It holds us back and leaves us feeling stuck. In that article, I shared my fear of love and vulnerability. Fear has held me back from giving and receiving the love I desire. With a strong desire to love, the fear I felt had to be conquered.

Courage is needed in order to conquer fear. I once heard someone say that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. That judgment leads to the choice to take action in spite of the fear. Every great story involves a hero who must be courageous in the face of fear and hardship. Think of movies like Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, The Patriot, Gladiator, Batman Begins… the list goes on. Each protagonist possessed courage. Courage is heroic and heroism is greatly needed in our world today. I mean, imagine humanity without it. How dull of a world would that be? Without the bravery to do what is good and stand for what is true, our world would fall apart and become full of empty, lifeless, and passionless men and women… men without chests, as C.S. Lewis famously coined.

I won’t lie. Quitting is easier and it always will be. In one way or another, we all fear failure, vulnerability, commitment, and abandonment. Holding back is the safer option. Being courageous is risky and involves suffering because you are opening yourself to potential pain. A life of courage will tear and pierce your heart in ways that words cannot describe. It will cost you much. Yet, the depths that it opens in your heart will make you better: more human, more loving, more fraternal, more virtuous. To reach your potential greatness, facing your fear is critical and it is the deciding factor of your growth.

With my fear of being vulnerable, I knew that the love I desired was worth the fear of being rejected and hurt. And so, despite the risk, I chose to face my fear. And it was worth it. She was worth it. But most of all, that’s the kind of man I want to be: courageous and bold in the way he loves. When I die, I want to be remembered as a man who fought for what he loved and risked much to defend all that is good, true and beautiful. I’m not there yet, but heroes aren’t made in a moment. Like athletes, they are built over time, little by little, by every small choice to do the right thing.

But let’s be practical. Here are five tips that will help you conquer your fears and become the person you are made and aspire to be.

1. Face it. 

The first step to beat fear is to recognize it. Don’t run. Face it. Until you’re real with yourself and stare fear cold in the eyes, you won’t be able to overcome it. Facing your fear is likely to be intimidating and certainly is humbling. After all, who wants to declare weakness? Still, starting here is crucial. Until you begin to understand your fear, you won’t overcome it. Unless the doctor knows the disease, he can’t give the cure. In my case, identifying and admitting my fear of vulnerability has been essential to overcoming it.

2. Get it out of your head.

Fear feeds off isolation. If you keep it to yourself, inside your head, it’ll remain and even grow bigger. Write it down and talk to a trusted friend or mentor about it, or even a counselor. Don’t deal with it alone: get it out. Inside one’s mind, fear is large and loud. Putting it on paper and into space with your words helps to see fear for what it actually is. Seeing it written on a little piece of paper makes it less overwhelming.  At that point, it is possible to speak truth to your fears. This is necessary because fear is deceptive. It says you can’t when in reality you can. Consequently, speaking the truth deflates fear. Bring your fear into the light and feed it with truth.

3. Act. 

Since fear holds us back and leaves us feeling stuck, the ultimate solution is action. It means doing whatever you’re afraid of doing. Afraid of flying? The only way to overcome it is by eventually getting on a plane. Terrified of public speaking? Give a talk. Scared to commit? Make a commitment. Yes, it is scary. It’s nerve-racking. It may even be humbling. But fear isn’t overcome by hiding. It is conquered by walking through it. I wish there was an easier way, but there isn’t. If you’re scared, that’s okay: Do it scared. But make sure you do it. In my case, although afraid of opening my heart to possible hurt, I pursued the girl who would later become my girlfriend. Eventually, by loving her, I became less afraid and more courageous.

4. Don’t take life too seriously. 

“The only reason to take this life too seriously is if it’s your only one,” said Archbishop Fulton Sheen. Laugh. Be ridiculous. Be silly. Enjoy the beauty of creation. Watch a sunset. Gaze dramatically upon the ocean. Pour your heart into helping those who need you. Jesus and Mary were the most joyful people in history. Jesus didn’t come to make us all sad, instead, He came to transform us to being fully alive. In Jesus’ own words, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (Jn 10:10). Honestly, God wants us to be as carefree and joyful as children. His children. Trust God with complete abandon and watch your fear melt away.

5. Fall in love. 

There is no better motivation than love. All other motives pale in comparison. It is said that a knight could have no courage without love; his love gave him a reason to fight. Conquer fear with love. My proposition: fall in love with Jesus. Already have a relationship with Him? Go deeper. He is always the answer. No love can really satisfy us besides His. Be patient though; love takes time to develop. He’s crazy about you and me. Do you know that? There is a unique place in His Heart that thirsts for you and your love. Despite what the world says, falling in love with God is incredible. However, it takes the experience of loving him to know that to be true. St. Augustine said it best: “To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement.” God will give you the strength to overcome your fears. Rely on him. He’s waiting to give you all that you need.

Do not become discouraged if fear exists in your life. Battling fear is human. Until I die, I will have to fight it. Already, this somewhat silent battle has made me into a better man… a man who is more courageous, more virtuous. When you overcome fear, you will be free. With this freedom, thriving and flourishing can actually happen. You are able to be yourself, fall in love with life, live to the fullest, and love with all your heart. Do not settle for anything less. Be not afraid!

70 College Men Vs. Strip Club

This interview between Matt Fradd and Joey Pontarelli.

Joey, Thanks for being willing to do this interview. What is Red Light Ministry?

On Friday nights, the men of Franciscan University pray outside a nearby strip club. “Red Light Ministry” is what we call it. I’m sure you’ve heard of people praying outside abortion clinics – same concept.

As we arrive, the men line the sidewalk opposite of the strip club. Usually, we pray two Rosaries and a Chaplet of Divine Mercy. We pray two Rosaries for a specific reason: first, we ask God to rescue all the people involved by meditating on the Sorrowful Mysteries. Secondly, we pray the Glorious Mysteries to thank him in advance for the good we are confident he will do in the future, as well as the good he’s already done.

Awesome. Whose idea was it?

Red Light's inception happened in 2008 or 2009. John Kennedy, a student then and member of Prodigal Sons household, had the idea. How did it happen? John and a few friends were bored on a random Friday night. Having heard of the idea of men praying outside strip clubs, the three of them decided to give it a try. They reasoned that since it was important to pray outside abortion clinics, this was needed too.

How many people come to it a week?

Every week the turnout fluctuates. This semester, the range has been 40 – 120 men each week. Most recently, we had 70 men.

Is it mostly men?

Yes. In fact, only men pray outside the strip club. But we’re not alone. Back on campus, the ladies do a holy hour for us. It’s powerful and beautiful!

Are people surprised to see young men there praying?

Last Friday, two ladies and a guy around my age pulled into the parking lot, got out of their car and came to talk with us. Intrigued by our presence, they asked why we were there. So I explained. They were surprised and amazed. One of the girls said, “It’s amazing that you’re a bunch of men; usually you all would be inside the strip club.”

What are some comments you’ve received?

Both positive and negative. We’ve received everything: thumbs up, honks, and words of encouragement to curses, crude remarks, and cars deliberately splashing water at us. I even heard that once a dude came over with a baseball bat to taunt us. You get praised; you get insulted.

What is your opinion of Christians who hold up signs like “You’re Going To Hell” outside these places, how is your method more effective?

With all respect, that is a horrible approach. Nobody will listen. It is a turn off. It’s all about fear and guilt. While sin is horrific and we shouldn’t minimize it, I believe that the human person doesn’t respond well to that method. A better approach is through love and desire. Instead of scaring them into action, show them you love and care about them personally. Additionally, rather than place an external requirement or law on them, point to the desires of their hearts.

They want happiness and love. Those desires are much stronger motivators than any fears. Pointing to their desire and loving them, they are more likely to trust you. As St. Josemaria Escriva said, “Naturalness, sincerity, and cheerfulness are indispensable conditions for the apostle to attract people” (Furrow, 188). If nothing else, they’ve felt respected and walked away with a positive image of you as polite and sincere.

Tell us about your encounter with Emily

On a Friday night not long ago, we arrived as usual across from the strip club with 60 – 70 men. As the rosary began to be prayed, a few of the dancers who worked at the club were passing. One approached me. Emily asked me to pray with her. And so, for a minute or so we prayed the rosary. Then, turning to her, I asked if she would be willing to talk. She replied yes.

What did you talk about with her?

I asked about her family and background. At 27, she is the mother of five. Last year, her husband died from colon cancer. Eventually, I asked why she worked there. She told me how she recently lost another job. With bills to pay and kids to feed, she felt no choice.
Acknowledging her difficult situation, I asked another question: “What would it take for you to quit?” She needed another job. More specifically, she needed a car. Currently, her “friends” who also worked at the strip club drove her there.

Again, I asked another question: “If we could help with your bills and finding a car, would you quit?” She said absolutely. She hated it. The boss was a scum and pervert, mistreating the girls. As I spoke with her, the DJ came out to find her. I met him. He was nice to her but said that the boss was flipping out. Her response, “I’m coming…he can wait.”

Then what happened?

After he left, I knew the situation was urgent. And so I asked: “What would it take for you to quit right now?” She needed to pay two bills equal to $160. “If we gave you the money, would you quit?” I proposed. She was hesitant, stating that it felt like a gamble. Before long, she admitted that she would quit.

Stepping in front of the men, I stopped the prayer. Addressing them, I told Emily’s story. I knew I asked them to trust my judgment, that she was honest and wouldn’t misuse the money. Since I gave her money already, all she needed was $120.

Within minutes, we raised $300 for her; double our aim. With that, we spoke with her more, gave her contact information for support, and then drove her home. Oh, and I gave her a copy of Crystalina Evert’s Pure Womanhood (which she loved).

What did her demeanor and body language tell you?

That she felt defeated and she was hurting. Her eyes were heavy. I could tell that she wasn’t used to a man looking her in the eyes. Interestingly, her clothes covered almost every inch of her body. Also, I could tell she was hungry for God. She wanted out of there.

What did she think about all the men there?

In the past, she had seen us praying. However, she wasn’t sure of our intentions. She would wave to us and apparently we didn’t wave back. I reassured her that we weren’t out there to condemn anyone. In fact, the reason we were there was to tell every man and every women in the strip club that they are worth so much more than that. She was very receptive to that and agreed wholeheartedly.

Besides driving her home, what other help did you give to her?

A friend of mine, Tommy Lannen, with the help of Hannah Terbrack, gave Emily contact information to ministries nearby. We knew she needed support – especially from women.

Katie Gesto and Camille Mica are missionaries in the area. They build relationships and offer practical support and healing to women who have suffered sexual abuse or sexual exploitation, such as prostitution and stripping. Most importantly, they give Christ to these women. Prayer is core to their apostolates. The ministries are called “Mama Nita’s” and “All Things New,” respectively. Since we met Emily, she has been spending time with those ladies. 

What are your thoughts on Emily?

At first, talking with her was intimidating. That changed quickly. Instead of viewing her as a “stripper,” I looked at her as a daughter of God; as a human person like you and me. Regardless of our sins, we never lose our great value as God’s beloved creatures and children.

Were you afraid?

Yes. I felt nervous and afraid as I began speak with her. But I knew she was more important than my fear. So I had to be courageous.

What’s happening now?

Sadly, she went back. Devastating, I know. After giving her help, it is hard to watch her return. Again, she felt stuck there in order to provide for her family. However, she did quit again. My missionary friend, Camille Mica, told me that women in the sex industry usually quit 5 – 7 times before they get out of it. And so, one more quit is a step in the right direction.

Emily has been looking for jobs. Still, there has been no luck. But we’re trying. She is certainly in a difficult position having to provide for her children and pay the bills. Honestly, she needs a job – and a car. So those are the two goals we are working toward. She has been attending Mass, which is fantastic! God is doing good work. In due time, he will pull her out of that lifestyle. We knew it would be a long journey. Any prayers for Emily are much appreciated!

What did you learn from this?

The power of prayer. I’m convinced that prayer did the heavy lifting. Also, I learned the influence you can have on another person by merely looking them in the eyes, loving them and asking good questions. Really, that’s all I did. I asked questions and she put two and two together.

Lovephobia

This post was originally featured on the Culture Project blog.

Love is scary.

Sitting in a coffeehouse in downtown Pittsburgh, I overheard a young woman Skyping her female friend. Naturally, their conversation revolved around a boy.

She spoke about the last time the guy and she had talked. Apparently, this guy wanted nothing to do with love and relationships. In fact, he didn’t even want to talk about them. It seemed that he had an aversion to love and, even though they were friends, she didn’t understand. While I don’t know the details in that man’s life, it is a familiar story: many people are afraid of love.

Everyone wants to love and be loved. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t want that somewhere deep down inside them. But I’ve met a lot of people who are afraid of it. And I’m one of them.

Fear usually has a root. I come from a broken and divorced family. At a young age, my parents’ marriage fell apart. Since I was close with my father, my trust in him was shattered when my parents separated. It hurt. Before, I felt safe in his presence. After, I felt betrayed. And so, I couldn’t help but think and internalize that love was not safe.

After that, I withdrew into myself. I felt alone. Nobody was trustworthy. Because I was hurting, I tried to numb the pain with pleasure. And so, destructive behaviors followed. I became selfish, angry, negative… During my family’s collapse, a friend introduced me to pornography. While that obsession was short-lived, it led to a distortion of love and regretful mistakes.

Ten years later, I see that fear has held me back from love. Initially, I couldn’t put my finger on it. As time progressed, it did click. This fear has surfaced most clearly in my dating relationships. How did it? Fear encouraged me to love at a distance. You see, if nobody really knew me, they couldn’t hurt me. Loving at arm’s length is safe. But it will kill your relationship.

Authentic love requires vulnerability. C.S. Lewis once wrote that, “to love at all is to be vulnerable.” Vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability allows one to be seen for who they really are, and thus the other is given an incredible opportunity to love them more fully. It means taking your mask off and committing to openness and honesty. In a healthy relationship, this vulnerability happens over time and requires prudence and patience. Don’t pour your heart out to just anyone, all at once. But, over time, the love becomes so much more real due to this vulnerability. The intimacy that we all crave thrives on this type of realness.

But vulnerability scares me. In my past, that openness and trust led to pain. And so, why would I love again? At the root of my fear was this insecurity: I’m a gift not worth giving. If I was, why did dad leave? Apparently, I wasn’t enough for him. Deep down, I didn’t want that to happen again.

My parents’ split taught me another lie that’s remained in my subconscious: No matter how good it is, love doesn’t last; eventually it will fall apart. Give yourself and eventually you’ll be hurt. It naturally follows then, that one would hold back. And that’s what I’ve done many times.

All these fears have disposed me to be a timid lover. I don’t want to be a timid lover. My desire is to be a courageous and virtuous man. And so, I’ve had to fight my fears. To do so, I’ve had to bring them into the light. Thinking that love was not safe, I realized the truth that, yes, love is risky. That is the nature of love in our broken world. Still, I’ve learned that love is worth the risk. As I quoted before, C.S. Lewis expresses it beautifully in The Four Loves. He shows the reality of what it is to love, and what it is to hold your love back:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Lie #1: I’m a gift not worth giving. Jesus has taught me the opposite. He thinks I am. Apparently, he thinks that I am worth dying for. And He is God, so He must be right. Actually believing that at my core has taken a while. Yet, little by little I am becoming more convinced. Spending time with Jesus in the Eucharist has helped. A lot. I mean, how do you fall in love with someone if you don’t spend time with them?

Lie #2: Love doesn’t last. God’s love lasts. In fact, it will never change. He’s eternal and so is his love. And human love can last too. I’ve seen it: beautiful married couples who genuinely love each other. It’s incredibly inspiring.

Honestly, my battle isn’t over. I’m still wrestling my fear. It is an interior struggle. Sometimes I win, other times I lose. In it all, there’s a truth that I’ve learned:

I’ve never regretted facing my fears. 

On the other hand, I have regretted being controlled by them. Fear is crippling. You feel stuck. And so to move beyond it, you must walk through it. There’s no easy way around it. But the truth is that when you move past fear, you feel free. In my case, free to love.