I Just Wanted Us to Be a Loving Family

The story below is from an anonymous author that we’ll call Mary, written at 54 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

My parents fought all through my childhood. Alcohol was always the spark that started the fire. If my dad wasn't home by 7pm, we knew he wouldn't be home until well after midnight, and that he'd be drunk. My mom would wait for him, drinking wine and trying to figure out how to get back at him. Sometimes she'd make me call the bar, ask for him, and ask when he's coming home. I hated that.

Other times she'd take us to a motel to make him think we were leaving him. And then some nights her blind rage came out as soon as he got home. Very physical and horrible fights. I was so scared they were going to kill each other and called the police on several occasions. I was told if I kept doing that, we'd end up in foster homes.

One night as I was hiding in my bedroom, I heard a huge crash. She had ripped the new chandelier they had just bought out of the ceiling. It was in a million pieces on the dining room floor. Another time, my mother had a black eye and made me take a picture of her. I was so scared my dad was going to go to jail. Who would provide for us? Why couldn't they just stop fighting?

After I turned 17, my mom talked to me and asked me how I would feel if she divorced my dad. I told her I just wanted the fighting to stop. She took that as a green light, told my dad she wanted a divorce, and that the kids support her. It was horrible.

I felt completely stuck in the middle and felt I had betrayed my father. The worst day of my life was when I visited my dad in his new apartment. I cried for days. He did not want the divorce, but also, he did nothing to save their marriage or to address his alcohol issues. I loved both my parents, I just wanted them to love each other. I wanted us to be a loving family.

How the divorce made her feel

I felt incredibly lonely. I went off to a college where I didn't know anyone, and now I had no home to come back to since they sold our family home. I was truly on my own and had no idea how to handle that.

I never drank in high school because I didn't want to be like my parents. I started drinking in college to numb the pain. After college, I moved to another state, and so did my brother. Watching our parents marry different people was incredibly painful, and we didn't want to be around their "new lives" that didn't involve us. My mom actually wanted me to be her "maid of honor" during her wedding to her new husband, which was two years after the divorce. When I said "No, I can't do that to my dad," she was furious at me.

My dad also later re-married, and twenty-three years later, during his battle with terminal cancer, my stepmother tried to prevent me from seeing him, and insisted he leave his money equally to her and her three children and hated the fact my father was leaving anything to my brother and me. It made a horrible event even more horrible. I fell into deep depression and have never really gotten over it. It still haunts me.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I have made terrible choices in people I have dated, and the man I married and eventually divorced, an alcoholic and drug addict. It seems I have a need to "fix" people, to no avail. Fortunately, we didn't have children.

I have trust issues, fear of abandonment, terrible self-loathing, depression, and no sense of purpose. No self-confidence at all. I had an abortion, thinking this child is better off not living with me as a mom. I struggled with alcohol issues, and a lack of loyalty to family and friends. I tend to sabotage relationships as protection. I assume they will eventually leave me, so I leave first. It is a terrible pattern.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE divorced

Find someone to talk to, who has gone through it as well. Someone you can trust.

Your parents will tell you this is not your fault, and it isn't. When you think you can't be loved, because you are the combination of two people who can't stand each other, know that it was God who created you. They were only the physical vessels in His plan, and their sin does not define God's love for you. His love is real and will never leave you nor forsake you.

Unite your loneliness with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, and cling to the Cross! Know you are loved deeply by your Creator, the Creator of the Universe, as best you can. It is the only true, real kind of love that is understandable.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Form a fellowship for them. A support group. Knowing others are going through the same emotions and experiences helps us feel less crazy, less lonely. Fellowship is key. Just for the children of divorce. The parents can't be involved at all. The children need a safe environment where they can open up with each other. The real problem is they feel they can't speak to anyone, that no one understands nor cares. An older adult child of divorce as a moderator would be a great start. Ask them to write down their stories, share them, and discuss how they can heal and move forward.

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Sea of Confusion

4 minute read.

The story below is from Kendra, written at 23 years old. She gave permission for her story to be told and her real name to be used. 

Her Story

We did an intervention for my dad's alcoholism right before Christmas of my freshman year of high school. I was 14. We thought that it went well, and he agreed that he would go to treatment for his addiction. When we went to visit him for Christmas at the treatment center, he was royally pissed off and tremendously cold. He refused to see us beyond a 15 minute hello.

Two days later, we drove back home and heard from the center that he had left. He then moved out, filed for separation, and all hell broke loose. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on. The small town in which we lived all became involved and sides were drawn. Teachers were harder on me, acquaintances and relatives alike tried to tell me I was acting ridiculous towards my father.

I didn't understand how to articulate how hurt and betrayed I felt. The courts dragged us through counselor after counselor, but the judge wouldn't meet with me or any of my siblings to let us say our part. I felt like my opinion didn't matter because I wasn't 18 and a legal adult. There was no trustworthy confidant for me throughout this whole time. I threw myself into school and extracurricular activities, ignoring the not-so-quiet whispers regarding my family. There was no privacy — our family's dirty laundry was dragged all over the town.

My mother decided to move my senior year but wanted to make sure I was okay with that. I was numb—I didn't have an opinion one way or another. The divorce was finalized that year, so we were court-ordered to continue to see my dad every other weekend. It was hell. My little sister and I dreaded driving the four hours to his house, the whole weekend, the manipulations and verbal and emotional abuse—all of it. We became recluses in our own house, mindlessly going through the weekend watching TV or just sitting in silence. We would try to ignore the horrible things my dad would say about my mother or other siblings—or even of us. 

My senior year is a blur. I hardly made any friends because I was so scared they would all turn against me again. The counselors kept changing so I couldn't even talk to them. I became overprotective of my little sister who is four years younger than me. I became more of a parent to her rather than a sister, and all she wanted and needed was a big sister. I carried great anger towards my parents and siblings, feeling abandoned and alone. 

When I turned 18 during the spring of my senior year of high school, I refused to see my dad. I felt awful leaving my little sister alone there for the weekends, but I somehow knew I needed to do something for myself. I made things worse for her when I was there because I couldn't keep quiet as I heard all of these awful things. She later told me it was a little better only because there wasn't arguing, but she desperately needed a sister. 

Leaving for college was exciting. I was going out of state and knew that I would completely get a fresh start. I would have the chance for people to get to know the real me, not worrying about them knowing about my dad. I knew that I would be able to invest in relationships because I was not only going to be there for a year. I started to feel again. I found a spiritual director and grounded myself in faith and reason. Still, I made and lost friendships because I wasn't happy with myself. I felt unlovable but couldn't come to terms with it. It's still a daily struggle.

December 2017 was nine years since my dad left. I haven't seen him since 2013. I've drawn and held the boundary I know that I need — can't have a relationship with him until he comes to terms with his addiction and wants to change. I just can't. And you know what? That's okay. My siblings and I will never all be on the same page in our relationship with our dad. That's okay. I'm constantly working on forgiveness towards both him and my mom.

How Her Parents' Separation has Impacted Her

I struggle with the daily belief that I'm not lovable or enough. Even though I have come to terms with his leaving, it affects every other relationship in my life: professional, familial, filial, and romantic. There are times when I go through similar numb periods of just existing instead of enjoying and being thankful for my life. These frequently happen when I get a text from him or someone asks about him. I freeze up and my gut forms a knot. 

I needed to find ways I could be happy and to selfishly pursue those. I've communicated those needs to my family and friends, so they understand if I need to go for a vigorous hike in the woods to blow off some steam. If I don't, my anger will affect everyone else around me that I know and love.

Advice to Someone Whose Parents have Separated

Find someone to talk to, someone who shares the same beliefs as you. Many of my counselors didn't understand why I was so angry with my dad for leaving and filing for divorce —they didn't understand the Catholic teaching of it. Many counselors didn't understand that there was a high-functioning alcohol addiction hidden in our family communication that still affects me to this day. It wasn't until I found someone that understood and respected my beliefs, realized that alcoholism and its communication patterns were present and that I built up trust in them that I could start to heal.

How to Help Young People from Divorced and Separated Families

No one wants to talk about divorce. Or, rather, no one wants to talk about the devastatingly negative effects divorce has upon the kids. It might seem like the best thing for the parents because they are unhappy, but they are passing the cross of marriage down onto their kids —and it is absolutely not the best thing for them at all. I wish I knew that someone would've been there for me as I was going through an already tumultuous time in my life, and then this massive curveball was thrown at me. If someone—anyone —would have reached out to me to just talk...I would have been so appreciative of that lifeline thrown to me as I was drowning in a sea of confusion.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.