How to Successfully Navigate Your Parents' Divorce (Big News!)
2 minute read.
Here at Restored we have some big news, and we’re really excited about it.
There is a lot to deal with when it comes to your parents’ divorce or separation. And yet, there isn’t much out there addressing the many unique struggles faced by teens and young adults from broken homes.
We wanted to help fill this void, which is why we’re extremely pumped to introduce our new book: It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain and Problems from Your Parents’ Divorce.
In this book, we address 33 pressing questions faced by teens and young adults from broken homes regarding the difficulties that stem from their parents’ divorce or separation.
We give advice on topics such as how to cope, healing, dating, handling anxiety and depression, making life decisions, and having difficult conversations with your parents. We sincerely hope that you will find it helpful.
To give you a taste of what you can expect from the book (launching September 21), we’ll be posting content from the book itself on the blog.
Please spread the word, we know there are a lot of people out there who will benefit from reading this material. And let us know what you think! We would love to get some feedback here or in the comments below.
Without further ado, here’s question number five from the book:
How can I stop feeling like my parents’ divorce was my fault?
You aren’t alone in feeling this way. In fact, most people like us feel this way — at least for some time. When my own parents split, I blamed myself too. I felt like I could have prevented it from happening. If only I had said this or done that, perhaps they would not have broken apart.
Why do we blame ourselves? Usually, it is because we feel powerless in a situation we didn’t choose or cause. Feeling completely helpless, we grasp for some level of control by convincing ourselves that we could have done something to avoid it all. An even more difficult struggle is accepting the fact that one or both parents, whom we love, would do something that could hurt us so much. It’s easier to blame ourselves than to blame them. It’s our way of protecting them. Developmentally as children, we lack the cognitive capacity to move out of black-and-white thinking. Forced to choose between ourselves and our caregivers, we will almost always accept the blame. This is done in hopes of maintaining a good image of the people we need to trust in order to feel safe in our unpredictable world. Further, even if we’ve never consciously blamed ourselves, we may have done it unconsciously which may present itself in feeling that we are somehow bad.
Whether you or maybe someone else wrongly placed the blame on you, it’s all a debilitating lie. Believing it will only harm you. Please, hear me:
Your parents’ divorce is not your fault.
There’s nothing you did to cause it. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent it. In fact, the problems that caused the split were likely present in your parents’ marriage long before you were even born. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to fix it, either. The responsibility is not yours, even if you want it to be.
The uncomfortable truth is that our parent(s) choices hurt us, even if that wasn’t their intention. In fact, they probably thought they were doing what was best for themselves and for you. In order to heal, we have to first accept this truth. This is not about blame as much as it is about acknowledging the responsibility of those whose job it was to protect us.
Next time you feel responsible for what happened to your parents’ marriage and your family, remember: It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have prevented it. There’s nothing you can do to fix it. It is not your fault.
Instead, accept the fact that your parents, who would die for you, made choices that harmed you. That was wrong. There’s no excuse for it. Their actions damaged you and your family. That’s no small deal. In order to heal, you need to face that in all its heaviness. Then, give yourself space to grieve the loss. By doing that, you’ll be able to forgive your parents and hopefully even build a healthier relationship with them.
Stay tuned for more content from our book, It’s Not Your Fault. You can learn more about the book and get the first chapters FREE here today! We couldn’t be more excited to share this project with you.
Here’s to undoing the cycle of dysfunction and divorce, one person at a time.
