#106: Healing Sexual Brokenness: A Resource for Men Struggling | Steven Motyl
When you’re struggling with unwanted sexual behavior, asking for help is terrifying. The struggle feels so shameful and admitting your weakness feels humiliating. As a result, most men stay stuck for years and years.
Thankfully, there’s a way out. Asking for help from the right people is the key to overcoming shame, humiliation, and unwanted behavior. Today, a coach specializing in helping men break free from unwanted sexual behavior joins the show to discuss:
Is freedom even possible?
Why do men deserve that freedom?
A valuable for you or men you know struggling
Stories of transformation in the lives of the men he’s coached
Advice and encouragement for any man struggling right now
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
[00:00:00] When you're struggling with unwanted sexual behavior, asking for help is terrifying. The struggle feels so shameful, and admitting your weakness feels so humiliating. And as a result, most men stay stuck for years and years. But thankfully, there's a way out. Asking for help from the right people is the key to overcoming shame, humiliation, and the unwanted behavior itself.
Today, a coach specializing in helping men break free from unwanted sexual behavior joins the show to discuss, is freedom even possible? Why do men deserve that freedom? We also talk about a valuable resource for you or the men you know who are struggling. He also shares some stories of transformation in the lives of the men that he's coached.
And then finally, he offers some advice and encouragement to any man struggling right now. So keep listening.[00:01:00]
Welcome to the Resort Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents'. Divorce, separation, or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panarelli. This is episode 106. This episode is also part seven of our series called Healing Sexual Brokenness.
On this show, you know that we feature stories and expert interviews about how to heal from the trauma of your parents divorce and broken family, or how to navigate the pain and the problems that stem from it. One of the biggest problems that often stems from your family's breakdown is unwanted sexual behavior like pornography, masturbation, hookup culture, paying for sex, infidelity, and so much more.
In fact, one expert found that almost 90 percent of those who struggle with sexual addiction come from a broken family. In this series, you'll get tactics and resources to overcome unwanted sexual behavior. So you can find freedom and a little trigger warning. This is obviously a mature topic. So we recommend putting in earphones or at least not listening around children.
And by the [00:02:00] way, if you want to view the other episodes in this series, just go to restored ministry, restored ministry, ministry, singular. com slash sexual brokenness, or just click on the link in the show notes again, brokenness, or just click on the link in the show notes. My guest today is Steve Motel. As a certified professional life coach and with fatherly encouragement, authentic compassion, and honest prayer, Steve helps his clients get beyond mere coping to real freedom.
He firmly believes that freedom coaching is the answer many have been looking for because he's seen it transform his clients and their marriages. His genuine love of personal freedom and sincere heart for others, combined with his tremendous personal experience of over 12 years mentoring single and married young adults, six plus years preparing thousands of couples for marriage, uh, 15 years as a youth minister, as well as his rich personal experience losing his dad at a young age, uh, 30 plus years of marriage and almost 30 years of parenting makes him a seasoned [00:03:00] coach to guide you through this incredible program to freedom that you long for.
Steve currently lives in the countryside of Southeast Pennsylvania with his wife, children, dog, barn cats, and chickens. And he wants to know if you're ready to claim your freedom. In this episode, we talk about God and faith. And if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone listening to the show for a while knows that this is not a strictly religious podcast.
So wherever you're at, I'm so glad you're here. And if you don't believe in God, my challenge for you is this. Just listen with an open mind. Even if you were to skip the God parts, you'd still benefit from this episode. But let's jump in. Here's my conversation with Steve.
Steve, so good to have you on the show. Thanks for being here, Joey. Thanks so much, man. It's great to be with you. There are so many men listening right now who are struggling with sexual compulsion or addiction, just unwanted sexual behavior, basically like pornography use. And they want freedom. They really long for that.
But their compulsion, it feels so strong. It feels like it [00:04:00] controls them, like they'll never be able to overcome it. And they might even be tempted to think that Freedom isn't possible. And of course, there's women listening right now too, but I know it will gear the conversation a little bit more towards men, though this all applies to them as well.
So I'm just curious, like, is healing and freedom possible? Yes. Next, next question. No, um, yeah, absolutely. And it's a great question. Um, because you're absolutely right. I think a lot of times we get sort of stuck. In a, in a negative thought pattern or negative behavior pattern. And, and we sometimes wonder if I'm just going to be this way forever.
And if we start to think, am I just going to be this way forever, that could lead to some of that, that shame that makes me feel like, man, what's wrong with me? Like there must be something wrong with me. And then, and then we hide that because I, if there's something wrong with me. I can't share that with Joey, I can't share that with my wife or my friend or my pastor or my, my, my mom, because, you know, they're gonna think something less of me, they're gonna [00:05:00] think, you know, that, um, they might, they might love me less, they might value me less, whatever that might be, and so we hide that, we hide the compulsion, we hide the bad behavior.
That we have to we have to untwist all that and start to speak hope into all of that, right? Because of course it's possible and any anyone who falls into any sort of Unhealthy behavior and there's there's so many and you're right to when you're mentioning today Obviously is is is so is so prevalent right now anyone who falls into that there is always always hope We can get into whatever you want to get into here, but i'll just give you like a little a little uh, Spoiler alert here the I the work that I do Is, is exactly this.
I'm working one on one with men all day, every day who had some point in their life, thought that. They were always gonna have this issue. They were always gonna be struggling with this and by, by, by their hard work, by the grace of God, you know, by the love and support of other friends and family, they have, they have not just found freedom, [00:06:00] but they're living in freedom.
And so, yeah, it's absolutely possible. It's held out to all of us. And, um, and it's real and it's, it's, it's real. I love that. That's so hopeful. And especially the stories, I think when you hear someone who's been through it. Has been able to break free, find freedom and we'll, we'll definitely get to that.
Cause I, again, I think that's so hopeful, but aside from that feeling of maybe feeling stuck or hopeless, what are some other emotions that men face when they're struggling in this way? Yeah, well, I think, um, I think the, what they struggle with when they're, when they're in a compulsion is, is not that unlike what we men struggle with in general.
Like there's universal struggles and very personal, particular struggles in which the way they're played out. I mean, You know, in general, men tend to struggle with, you know, am I man enough? You know, am I, am I adequate enough? Am I going to measure up? Am I going to, to be successful? Whatever that might look like to them.
And I think when you start to get into a, a [00:07:00] negative pattern, like porn compulsion, That will, that fear puts like fuel on the fire of that. Like, okay, no, I'm never going to live up. I'm always going to be inadequate. I'm never going to give in enough because it neuters a lot in a lot of ways, your ability to be able to, to grow.
It certainly affects the way in which you see yourself in a negative light. You start to see yourself through the eyes of what you perceive to be your failures, your shortcomings, your weaknesses. And when you start to perceive yourself that way, you start to, you start to diminish your own self worth.
Now, you can't diminish your own self worth in reality because you are infinitely valuable to the one who has created you and nothing will ever change that. But we, we change the perception of our value. And then we transfer or project that onto him or onto others. And if I feel this way about myself, well, my wife must feel this way.
My boss must feel this way. You know, God must feel this way. And now it's [00:08:00] only a matter of time before the jig is up and I'm found out to be the fraud that I know that I really am. And now we've just bought into the biggest lie that, you know, that man has ever bought into. And I think on some level, I've never met a man who hasn't bought into that.
In some way, shape or form, but when you throw a compulsion in there again, it's, it's really fueled to that fire because you start to have, you think you now have evidence. Of why all those lies you believe about yourself actually are true. And so it's, it's to be able to break those and speak into that is, is a real privilege of the work that I get to do.
I bet. And I love that you take this deeper approach because I think there's this temptation to say on the surface to say, well, men are just always going to struggle with porn and lust in general, and that's just the way it is. And, you know, I think there is maybe some biological truth to that. Like we.
We do have, you know, often men usually have like a very strong sex drive and that's like a good and beautiful thing. But yeah, I agree that like there's deeper issues here that often aren't addressed in this attempt to just kind [00:09:00] of reduce this issue to just, well, you're just really, you know, we have lack self control, but there's often a lot below the surface, which I love.
Uh, what you're saying. I remember hearing a quote of like, you're never, um, maybe as bad as you think you are or as good as you think you are. You're somewhere in the middle. All true. All true. All true. Or one of my, I'm going to butcher it, but one of my favorite quotes of my, my, uh, you know, my favorite saying, poke, jump all the second.
I think he said it at a world youth day in Toronto, you're not the sum of your failures and weaknesses, but the, but the sum of the father's love for you. And there's more to the quote, I forget what it is, but that is just so profoundly true for all of us, regardless of what our faith is, regardless of what we believe, this reality is innate in us, that we are not the sum of our failures and our weaknesses.
We, we, we are, we are, we were created for greatness. We're destined for greatness. And we are great. We not, we might not be behaving great, but that doesn't mean we're no longer great. We're still great. We we've just, we've just covered up our greatness [00:10:00] with, with actions. We've numbed it for whether it's porn, alcohol, gambling, the excesses that we can do to numb, whatever pains that we're experiencing.
And then, and then that, and then we can forget in the numbness, we can forget how great we really are. So as we begin to get sober, whatever, whatever it is that you're numbing yourself with, we can start to again, breathe a little fresh air and start to see clearly that's why it's so important that when you are.
Again, in a negative thought or behavior pattern like a porn compulsion, you start to, you want to start to get an understanding of like, what's that rooted in? Like, where's that coming from? So, so my clients, most of them are Christian. Most of them are Catholic. And I'll tell them, you know, God's interested in far more than just you stopping to look at porn.
Like, I think, like he wants so much more than that. And in fact, and I have to tell them too, you know, there's nothing uniquely wrong with you. We're all falling, we're all broken, you know, because when we buy the live, [00:11:00] I'm uniquely, somehow there's something wrong with me. Everyone else is okay, it's just me.
We buy that lie. We forget the reality of the fact that, you know, I am seen by God exactly as He created me. Like, my actions, my behavior does not and cannot change the way He sees me. I mean, if it did, then that would make Him a conditional God, a conditional Father, a conditional Lover. And we know that's not true.
He's unconditional. But this is how we project that onto Him. So He wants to say, okay, look, and this is part of the work that we'll do. Let's start to get a sense of where maybe some of this all, you know, is coming from, like what, what took you there in the first place and what keeps you going back?
Because there's, there's, there likely would be an escape mechanism. It's a coping mechanism. It's a numbing mechanism. But if you can get underneath the hood. And start to figure out where it's coming from. Again, my brother, you won't just stop looking at [00:12:00] porn. You'll be, you'll be living in freedom. And that's a whole different thing.
And that's what God wants. Like he's not, he doesn't come to condemn. He's not here to condemn. He's here to set us free. You know, so this is all an invitation to, to freedom, ultimately. Love that. So good. And yeah. And in terms of coping mechanisms, I remember just with my own past struggle with pornography, when my parents separated and later got divorced, it just brought so much pain and so many problems into my life.
And my drug of choice was pornography. By and large, and so yeah, it served a purpose. It was effective in the short term, but of course was just horrible for me as a person. I was damaging, you know, my relationships was damaging my soul, like all these negative effects. But, but I think it is good. Like you said, acknowledge that it does serve somewhat of a purpose, even if it's horrible for us, but if you can figure out what the purpose is, then you can start, you can start getting that, that whatever that is, if it's a wound and efficiency, whatever it might be.
Thank you. You can actually get that heal instead [00:13:00] of just continuing to numb it with the counterfeit. Love that. Love that. Why do men deserve better? Well, first of all, we've been created for better. Absolutely been created for better. I mean, we have a, we have a real purpose to be a gift, to be a masculine gift to everyone we encounter.
And what does that mean? Well, it means, it means that, that whoever's in front of me, you know, I have, I have a mission to, to love and serve. And work for the good of that person in whatever in, in, in the context of the relationship and the context of the setting. So whether it's the barista handing me my coffee, you know, there's a, there's a smile.
There's a thank you. There's some kind word, you know, that's been offered whether it's holding the door open for somebody as I'm walking into into a store to the office. Order the shoulder to cry on the words of wisdom the sense that that that that we are willing and ready to protect that we have this reality of strength under control which is my favorite definition of of meekness like we want our [00:14:00] wives to know that even though in our children so even though we could we could bring physical harm to them we would never do that because we're in control of our emotions however because we have that physical ability we will fight to the death for them.
You know, and, and this is, and this is what we've been created for. Now, if, to get, to get theological for a second, we would, I would believe as, as, as a Catholic that my, that my role and your role, Joey, is to, you know, simply put to image, image the Father, God the Father, and, and to whomever we encounter.
Like, like that's, that's a daily prayer of mine. God, you know, let whoever encounters me today encounter you. That's what I want. I want to image the father from my wife, my kids, whoever, whoever's in front of me. That's the masculine gift. And that's why we deserve better because everything that we do that is unhealthy, it won't cancel that out.
But it will certainly neuter it to some, some [00:15:00] degree. And this is why the guys start feeling such self loathing, such self disgust because they know they're harming their masculinity. They're harming, they're neutering their masculine gift. They're hurting their wives or children because they're removing themselves.
They're taking what's good and true and beautiful about themselves that's meant to be a gift to their wives and children and, and, and diminishing that. And this is why, though, as they begin to become free, I tell them all, everything that's been affected negatively by your porneas, as we, as we begin to get you free, will now start to become positively impacted.
And so to that point, I will tell you one of the greatest things I've ever heard from any client's wife. love it. I get chills every time I think about this. Thank you. She said, I got my husband back, you know, and, and what I love about that is I don't have a new man. I don't have the man I always dreamt of.
I have the man I fell in love with. He was gone for a while. But he's back, the real man, real self, you know, be [00:16:00] who you are. Don't be somebody else. Be who you actually are. So good. I love that. And I love the point about we're needed. And if we don't use our strength in a way that serves and protects and gives life to others, then.
There's going to be a void in not only our lives, but in their lives too, and you maybe think of Viktor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist who wrote the great book, Man's Search for Meaning, who I talk about a lot on this podcast, but he ran a clinic in Vienna for suicidal patients, and what he would do is in that clinic, he Um, use therapy called logo therapy.
It was something that he invented where he would, um, help these patients find meaning in their life, which is basically another way of saying a deep purpose that was bigger than themselves to live for. And it said that he never lost a single patient, which is unreal. And so I think we all long for that deeper mission.
I think, you know, men and women alike are made for that to be a part of something bigger than themselves. But I think men in a special way, like we need that focus. We need that mission. We need something that we can fight for. Something that we can move [00:17:00] towards. And so, um, yeah, it, it works. It's effective.
And I love that you're helping men enjoy. I'm sorry for your, uh, you know, for the, the pain you went through with the divorce. Yeah. No. So how, how old were you, you said when your parents divorced? About 11, I was 17 when my dad died. And so, you know, similar things. So you, you and I can answer the question from a different way.
You know, why do men deserve more? Because we, we know, we know the void. The unfillable void that's been left and in our lives. And so, so that has caused me to say something kind of, kind of, you know, cheesy and whatnot. But, but I've said about my own fatherhood. I said, look, even if I'm just a mediocre average dad, you know, I, I know the impact that it would have if I was suddenly removed from, from the, from the lives of my kids.
And so that motivates me to, to, to strive to be that what they need me to be. You know because I I'm painfully aware and of course the work that I do now I'm even more painfully aware [00:18:00] just like the work you do of of how Much that father wound can really affect us now. He doesn't have to be gone He could be in the home and it could still be a tremendous father wound Um, but we all have one on some level there's family boards and stuff and you you do this work, too But um, but we know we know how you and I and others who have had their dad removed from the home one way or another Um, by choice or, or by death, um, we know, we know the void and we're like, we can, we can answer.
That's, that's why, that's why the man's so important. That's why that's important. Because all this, all this pain happens, you know, when he's not there. I love that. No, it's so true. And if that's the problem, I want to shift to the solution. So. What is freedom coaching and how does it work? Awesome question.
Thank you for asking. So, um, so freedom coaching is, uh, has been around for probably like 12, 13 years started by a Franciscan grad, Steve McCorney, um, great guy, and, uh, he, he himself [00:19:00] struggled for, for a good 10 years or so. Also deep, you know, deep father wounds his father. This is all public knowledge. It's in his book um, his dad tried to to commit suicide by uh, asphyxiating himself with the car in the garage and it wasn't successful and then he ended up in a nursing home and And so steve says I it's like I lost my father twice You know because I lost him that day because he was no longer the same man after that because of the brain damage and then lost him again for good the second time he died, but um, you know and and and again It's really important to know and we don't blame anybody for our stuff.
This is never about blame. I mean, I tell all my, my, my clients that we, you know, we, we, at some point in our adult life, we have to stop at some point and say, okay, look, I am, I'm going to choose to believe, even if it's not true, I'm going to choose to believe that my parents did the best they knew how to do.
And, and I'm going [00:20:00] to forgive them. I'm not going to blame them anymore for anything. That said, I'm going to be also very honest about what wounds or deficiencies I, I've experienced as a result of my family of origin, not so I can blame them anymore, but so that I can, I can get those things healed and move forward.
So Freedom Coaching, um, was born out of Steve's own struggles, um, and his own discovery of John Paul II's theology of the body and his own deep faith. Thank And so it led him on a journey. Like he, he, he didn't know how to get free either and he couldn't find anything. And so God inspired him to develop this, this program.
And, and it's, it's, it's, there's four stages to it. We, we do, um, we work through the men's background. We do talk through family boards and stuff. We do, we do give them an opportunity to process past events that have never been processed before, because when, when, when a trauma. Or a highly emotionally charged experience has happened in our past and we haven't [00:21:00] processed it that the neuroscience shows us that gets lodged in the right part of the brain where the feelings and emotions are and it locks out the left part of the brain, which is the logic.
And so, so every once in a while, if we, if we, if we don't, if we encounter something similar, Um, Later in life, you know, Joey experiences something when he's seven and, and, and he, and, and he's never processed that when he's 27, 57, 87, and he encounters something, a similar experience, he can respond the same way he did when he was seven and he has no idea why.
So this is part of why we'll revert right back to, you know, sort of like the, the, the child that got stuck. Or revert right back to some of those bad behaviors. So in a process, we give the left brain a chance to process and then calm those emotions down. We, we pray through those, we surrender all those, you know, to, to the Lord and we work and allow him into those memories.
God normally does not wipe a memory clean. That's not the business that he's in, [00:22:00] but the business that he is in is redemption. And so he'll redeem and heal and set free. The memories because all of us are dragging stuff through life that we're much of it. We're not even aware of and they're like chains around the ankles.
They just hold us back from becoming the greatness that we are. And so the more we can get released, the better I teach them the neuroscience. We teach them the neuroscience at freedom coaching. Oh, by the way, it's a one on one coaching experience. Just like we're having, you know, one on one conversation over over video.
Teach them the neuroscience because their brain was literally rewired by the pornies. And this is not magic, it's science. Our brains are wiring and rewiring themselves all the time. Sometimes we do it on purpose, and sometimes we don't. I like to ask my guys. So I'll ask you, Joey, do you play? Have you ever, have you ever played basketball?
I have not very good at basketball in particular, but if you were to do a layup, would it be a left handed or a right handed right handed? So Joey, you go to your coach one day and say, coach, I [00:23:00] want to learn how to do a left handed layup. And he's like, Joey, get your butt in the gym every day for two weeks.
I want you to do a hundred left handed layups. And then all of a sudden, one day Joey's in a game. He does a left handed layup without even thinking about it. So that muscle memory that's rewiring your brain, you learn a new language, new skillset, we're doing this all the time. So, but your brain and, and, and we didn't intend for this to happen.
We never gave our brain permission. No one looks at porn and says, Hey, let's rewire our brain. So it takes me there. But it happens. We build up neural pathways. The neural pathway says, gets trained and says, Hey, so, so Joey, you're, you're, um, you're stressed. Let's let's let's because the brain's designed to protect you.
So it wants to normally escape. It's a fight or flight mechanism. So let's get out of this uncomfortable situation and let's go self medicate by looking at porn and masturbating because through the use of that, you've trained your brain to know. It's going to get a really high hit of the good chemicals.[00:24:00]
We get, science has shown us, we get a, it's ridiculously high. It's way too much. It's unhealthy amount. Dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, all this stuff. Very high hit when we look at porn and masturbate. So the brain gets trained. Give me more of that. Give me more. Give me more. Give me more. And that starts the cycle and the compulsion.
So. We have to start literally doing some brain exercises, not magic. It's science to retrain the brain when you get. So we start identifying what are, what are your triggers? Is it when you're stressed? Is it when you're lonely board? What, what typically triggers you into that flight into the porn? And then we start looking for healthy replacements.
It takes a little while, a few weeks, maybe longer, but over time, the brain starts to retrain itself to go. Oh, I can get the good chemicals I need from going for a bike ride, listening to a podcast, checking in with Mike, whatever, you know, instead of, instead of going to the porn. So that's, that's kind of what we do.
So then we teach them a lot of, you know, a [00:25:00] lot of prayer. We teach them a lot of other activities and things, but it's one on one. So we're checking in. I serve as a bit of an accountability partner, you know, but more, more just entering in. And journey with them as far as that road will take us until they reach their ultimate goal of freedom when they're married.
Of course, by extension, this beautifully ends up having an impact on on their marriages too. So I get to watch them transform and by extension their marriages. So it's it's really incredible. So it's 1 on 1 weekly every other week, whatever. We don't usually, but, um, It's it's it's somewhat flexible on that, but we like to keep the momentum going.
So every week or every other week, that makes sense. And how long is typical? I know it probably varies quite a bit, but how long is typical for a man to like be in a program like that before he could then say, I'm able to stand on my two feet. Of course, I'm You know, maybe he builds a local community with other men that can kind of help him or something like that.
But how long would someone typically be in a program like that? That's the best question that I never know how to answer. Um, yeah, no, I just, just history. I can tell you it, [00:26:00] yes, it's so lame to say it depends, but it depends. And here's why, because. One guy might have so much stuff in his background. He might have so much stuff that he wants to talk through.
And it could take months just to get through that. I've had guys who didn't have a whole lot and we got through it in a couple of sessions. You know, some guys, some guys need to talk. Some guys, I'm the only person they talk to all week. It's a slight exaggeration, but it comes pretty close for some of these guys.
So they just, they need to talk and I'm there to serve them and love them as best that I can. So I keep them on track, but I gotta give them that space. Some guys just wanna get right down to, okay, what do we got today, Steve? Let's go. You know, it just depends. So it, some guys will show up and their marriage is such a wreck that, that they're, they're, they, they're not in no place to talk about our work.
They just wanna talk about their marriage. So that, that's why it, it, it sounds lame. But it's very legitimate to say. It depends. But I will give [00:27:00] you, I will give you on average six months to a year. And again, also depends how frequent you meet as well and how, how serious you are about the homework and how serious you are about working at this.
Actually, do you mind, I, I, you said, you said something in your, in your opening that I wanted, I wanted to come back to and it's appropriate. Please do that. You, you said the, the phrase, um, you know, want to quit something like that. This is really critically important because when you get into a compulsive pattern, a compulsive behavior, sometimes you don't really want to quit and sometimes you want to quit a little bit, but not a lot of it.
You know, we get comfortable with our vices. We are comfortable with our bad behavior. And, and, and so I have to challenge it occasionally from time to time. Okay. So like on a scale of one to 10, Hmm. How bad do you really want to quit? Maybe it's a six. Okay, start good Acknowledge it, you know and and maybe ask for the grace if you're a praying man ask for the grace to get to a seven you know because We we want to hold on these things.
So what we tell them is [00:28:00] Clearly, there's so much more going on that we can't just simply quit with an act of the will. Like we can't, very few people can say, I just quit and really quit cold turkey. But likewise, and just as important, you can't quit without your will. Like, you know, no one's going to take it away from you, including God.
God is not going to take it from you. You have, you have to want it, you have to ask for it and you want to be able to surrender. So sometimes. Motivation is important as well. How bad we really want that. So, um, I hope that answers the question on how long. It's a tough one to answer because there's a lot of a lot of variables, but that's, that's the general sort of scope of things.
Yeah, no, that's a good range. In terms of like an investment of, of time, like that is a great investment. I mean, if this usually I bet for men who are talking with you, it's been a struggle for years and years and years before they're even willing. To look or ask for help. Yes. And so it's like so much lost time, like probably hundreds of hours of lost time and [00:29:00] years of their life that has just been wasted, you know, on this vice.
And then looking forward, it's like, okay, you don't have to do this coaching. You don't have to do anything like this. You don't have to even get porn out of your life. If you want to continue, do you have free will? You can choose that. But. You know, I'm not being facetious here. I know like there's this, like you said, this maddening like dimension of our struggles in this area where it's like we find comfort in the misery.
It's really fascinating. But you know, again, like looking at it in terms of like, okay, are you how serious are you about getting this out of your life? Thinking to the future? It's like, is a six months or a year or maybe even longer in this program? Yeah. Worth transforming your life entirely and bringing it to a point where you, you know, don't struggle.
I mean, maybe it's a temptation always, but you don't struggle seriously with this. And maybe the temptation becomes almost like non threatening, um, for the next 50 years of your life, 30 years of your life. It's like that is an incredible investment. It's like almost in the business world. If [00:30:00] you, you know, were to ask someone, Hey, if I gave you this training that lasted six months or a year, What And you can go on and you can save, you know, a hundred hours a year, or, you know, a thousand hours a year.
And then you can make, you know, an extra hundred thousand dollars in a year, every year for the rest of your life. I mean, you would jump right on it when you think about it. Yeah, exactly. And I think in a similar way, It, it, all this is connected. Like you could live such a better life. You could probably excel even more in your career, have better relationships, you know, just feel more emotional peace.
Like if you were to invest in something like that, so I totally get the resistance that we all feel there and doing a program like this, but I just wanted to touch on that because I think it is a very real problem that people face when they're thinking like, maybe I'll do it, maybe I won't know. It's not the time.
That's a lot of effort. So yeah, any thoughts on that? Beautifully said. Beautifully said. I, you know, the, the, yeah, the last thing you said about, um, having positive impacts on other areas of your life. Yeah. You know, I think, you know, I, I like to quote the, the one scripture when the sun sets you free, you're free indeed.
[00:31:00] What happens is when you, when you're enslaved in any particular area of your life, it's affecting all areas of your life. So it only stands to reason that when that area gets freed up, it's going to have a positive impact. So absolutely. Cause I, I'm, I'm watching. Like a lot of, a lot of, um, a lot of men who are, who will, you know, when they first sign on, we go through this whole intake form and, and, and I hear, I see over and over, over again, struggle with, um, with confidence, you know, struggle with social anxiety, like those are two things right there that I see quick improvement on as, as, as people get free and again, the science makes sense because you've been, you're forming yourself You're forming your brain, your vision in a fantasy world.
So then when you come out of that fantasy world, No wonder it's so awkward to connect with reality. You're cause you're, you're so formed in the fantasy world. So it affects all that. So you get free from all that. It starts to free up your confidence and your self esteem and your ability to communicate with people in real life.
And that's a big deal. I mean, [00:32:00] especially like a lot of the guys who are younger and they, they'd like to date. They like to find somebody. They just, they're just, they're just so, they just feel so inept. They feel so emasculated by all of this stuff, you know, because to some degree they are, but that's not who they are.
So as they become free, they sort of discover who they really are, and that really boosts their confidence. So yeah, definitely see a lot of that. Now again, especially, especially if you are, you know, if, if a guy is, is someone who, um, is Catholic. And he wants to understand the fullness of his faith and not just be free from pornography, but also grow in the fullness of what it means to be a Catholic Christian man, then it's even a better investment because that's so much of what we do here because we have to not just again, we say it's not just freedom from its freedom for so we're getting free.
From the porn so we can be free for a life that god's called us to like again John paul ii says freedom doesn't exist for freedom's sake it exists for for love. That's our mission So love in the masculine way in a masculine [00:33:00] gift. And so yeah, totally a great investment and I completely see Their whole lives transform not it's not like their life is the same They're not looking at porn anymore.
Now that's just the tip of the iceberg of what the positive effects here. Um, now, of course, if anybody's concerned, there are no contracts, you know, people drop guys, drop out. I've had guys drop out for a while and then come back, you know, so there's no stress, there's no pressure. I'm here for you. We're here for you.
The organization is here for you, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever your needs are. So, um, so there's no. There's no sense of like, Oh my gosh, I'm signing up for, for six months to a year. No, you're taking it one step at a time. In fact, that's a big thing too. We, we start teaching them what it means to live one day at a time, you know, really in the present moment and not worry about, about tomorrow.
Just know you're going someplace good. God's bringing you someplace good. So good. And I love that, that idea of like a rising tide raises all ships. So if you kind of. Work on one area of your life, it [00:34:00] will bring up other areas of your life too. And on that note, I'm just curious if you have any like quick tip, like what's maybe one tip that you'd offer to men listening right now that are struggling?
And again, they can use it today. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the first thing that comes to mind is breathe, you know, breathe. Go easy on yourself. First of all, breathing is, is spiritual, but also very scientific. When we, when we feel tempted and you said something before, you may not live a temptation to free life.
No one, of course, is guaranteed that that's not what this is about. What I want to teach you though, is that is to, is to what it means to be in the world, but not of it. That means you can navigate whatever the world throws out at you. You know, if you really can't have your smartphone, if you really can't have Netflix, fine, get rid of it.
But I want to take you beyond that because in my, in my definition, that's not the fullness of freedom yet. Those are still coping mechanisms and they serve a place and a purpose for a time. But I want to get you to a place where you can have full access to anything and everything. [00:35:00] Because you're totally free to know how to navigate it.
You can go right to the good stuff on Netflix or right to the good stuff on your phone and avoid everything you shouldn't. And if something comes at you that you weren't expecting, you know, how to just flick it away. It's it, you know, it's not going to haunt you. It's not going to get his hooks in you anymore because you're going to become not just free, but inoculated from all of this stuff.
So again, I don't want you just to be free. I want you to live in freedom. And so. So sometimes when we get caught by the temptation, it literally will catch, take our breath away. And once our breath is taken away, our brain start, our eyes are trapped. And our brain starts to wander, so breathe, literally breathe that because the science shows us that that when we, when something shocking hits us, or there's a break between the left and the right hemispheres of our brain, but breathing reintegrates them.
So, it logic comes back. It's a load. See, what are you doing? Don't come on, man. You know, so breathe. I like to say, breathe, break your environment. So again, if you're [00:36:00] on the computer and something shows up, breathe, get up, go do something else, but go do something else. It's important that you, cause your brain in that moment is saying to you.
I need a chemical hit. So give it one, but make sure you, but go for a walk, go for a bike ride, you know, go do something that's healthy. Go do 20 pushups, something that you enjoy doing, where you'll get, you're going to get the chemicals, but it's going to be healthy. So breathe, break the environment, go do something else.
And please, my brothers and sisters, go easy on yourself. This is a journey. You know, we, you are not, you're not going to ever, the most dangerous thing a Christian can say. There are no trophies, no, no gold stars or ribbons were always going to be in the process of becoming perfected, you know, because whatever it might be, we might overcome this.
Then there's going to be something else. We're going to want to work on. So we're always in the process of becoming perfected. And so, so just enjoy the journey. [00:37:00] Don't put that stress on yourself to feel like I got to get this figured out now. Why haven't, why am I not further along than I thought I would be by now?
Why am I still dealing with this? That's, that's the way this is, you know, and that's the journey. So. Get it in the light, you know, if you have it, that's another thing too, is get it in the light. Talk to somebody, you know, have, find somebody that you feel will receive you in a safe way and be vulnerable about this.
There's a 99 percent chance that he will say the two most powerful words in the English language. Yeah, me too, me too. And, and then you will feel, oh my goodness, I'm not the only one. Okay. And then, and then if you really, and if you want, you go, you know, if you're, if you're Catholic, go to confession, reach out to your pastor, reach out to us, you know, um, but, uh, but if you're alone in that moment, breathe, break the environment and go do something else.
Thanks so much. And Steve, you clearly have a heart for. These men, and I'm curious, it's kind of two questions, which you touched on a little bit before, but let's go deeper. Why do you care [00:38:00] one, about these men so much? And two, uh, what transformations have you seen in the men that you've coached? Yeah, beautiful question.
Um, so it's, it's, um, it's difficult to answer the first question. I, I'm not 100 percent sure. I feel like the Lord over the many years of just living, The Lord has shaped my heart, um, to just have the heart of the father or a father. I mean, I literally just love being dad. I love, I love speaking truth and love and mercy and compassion and empathy into, into people that I meet.
Um, you know, it's, um, it's just, I think something the Lord has formed me in over the decades. I certainly, again, with the wounds of my own. You know father fatherlessness and other things. I certainly know what it's like to to to give my my my emotions over Surrender that and lose control. I certainly know what that feels like to be [00:39:00] enslaved But I also but I also have tasted so much the beauty Of what it means to to live a free life or a freer life because we're always growing in that right?
and so The opportunity to, to speak this into men, to, to, to, to remind them of their greatness, as you mentioned before, to, to encourage them, you know, we call ourselves a coach, but I more feel like a cheerleader most of the time, you know, because I like, I just want to, I want to encourage, you know, and call men on and to remind them of who they are.
So, um, and of course, the more I do this, the more I see. The fruits and that just encourages me even more to keep going with this. It also it's you know, it's it's you know I've gotten the point now where i'll just start talking about porn at a dinner party or a you know, whatever I mean, you know, obviously i'm being a little facetious But but but i'm not shy about it anymore because I know this is like, you know This is this is not something in the back alleys anymore.
This is in the pews. [00:40:00] This is in our families. It's affecting Us or somebody we know, you know, the listener or someone they know for sure. Everyone's been exposed. I have never met a person in my life who's not been exposed or that they weren't exposed until they were an adult with a fully formed brain.
So you get exposed. Your brain's not fully formed yet. You don't know how to process it. You don't know what to do with it, but you're curious. It's intriguing. It's intoxicating. You go back to it again and again, before you know it, your brain's been wired. The guys have to know that they are complicit on some level for continuing to go there, but on another real level, much of this is not really their fault.
You know, there's a lot of factors at play here. So I want, I also like, I want guys to take it seriously. But stop beating yourself up. Go easy on yourself. As far as the transformation, it's been just incredible. I have guys who, who, um, who have a real success real quick. Others who [00:41:00] takes longer, but when it starts to click in and you can see that the neural pathways in their brain have actually started to, to rebuild.
Um, and because now the struggle is getting easier, you know, we're going to, they're going to be in this battle, but the battle is not going to have to be as hard as it seems right now, because until your brain's rewired, your brain is literally working against you. It's trying to take you someplace. You don't really want to be going.
So you got to get your brain working for you. And so once we see that, then I see the beautiful transformation. Then, then to your earlier point, the transformation happens because it starts to open up other areas of their life. I started hearing about, you know, new and. Unexpected, beautiful connections with their wife or with their children with her fiance or girlfriend or coworker, you know, beautiful encounters.
I start to hear experiences they're having where, where, where they would have been tempted to lust in the past. Now they were just loving that person, you know, beautiful stories about how they [00:42:00] entered into intercessory prayer for a woman they saw at the airport or whatever it might have been before they would have just been gawking.
You know, and, and they, and, and that self realization of like, they're starting to realize what you said before. Wow. I, I, I'm made for more than what I thought I was, you know, and they start to taste that and the more you taste it, the more you want that. So you put the counterfeit behind you and you start going after the real thing.
And that's where transformation really happens. Beautiful. And I know I imagine like relationships and marriages have been saved. Divorces have been avoided. You know, like you said before, anxiety and depression had been largely cured money probably has been saved, you know, careers perhaps have been saved, like their bodies transformed.
I'm sure because of that kind of linchpin effect where they get control of this area of their lives and then they get control of their other, the other areas of life too. So I imagine there's so much there and thanks for mentioning that. And I wanted to touch on one thing you said earlier, and you just mentioned again about how, yeah, we need to take ownership and there is this balance between.[00:43:00]
You know, kind of not going hard on ourselves and still like taking ownership and, and in terms of our parents too, I just want to touch on that because, you know, the people listening right now are coming from really broken families, divorce, separation, often infidelity, like a lot of messy stuff. So the way I usually talk about it is like, there's a purpose for grieving all of that.
And I know you would agree with us. There's a purpose for grieving all that we need to grieve that loss. That's a serious thing. It's something that shouldn't be taken lightly. Um, but you're right. At some point, we have to ask the question, like you said, now what? Now what? Like, what am I going to do with this?
How am I going to move forward in life? How am I going to not allow this to have the last word, to not control me? And so the way I usually talk about it is that, you know, the grieving can't last forever. Uh, it needs to be there. It can't last forever. And we have to ask that question now. And so even if the problem wasn't our, you know, our cause, like we didn't cause it.
We can take ownership of the solution, right? And that's what I hear you talking about. So I love. And so, so I, and then in that solution, I think it is wise to like, give yourself grace. When you fall so you can get back [00:44:00] up. So you're not discouraged because discouragement will keep you stuck. Um, but at the same time, you know, take ownership and call yourself onto something greater because you can, you can get over this, you can move beyond.
It doesn't have to be your life story. Amen. Amen. And I think what you're speaking about beautifully is the difference between, between, um, between blaming and reasons. Like, you know, we, we can't blame anyone for our bad behavior. We can't blame anyone for, you know, I, I, I joke. And again, as a Catholic, obviously we go to.
I joke and I tell my guys, okay, so this is the litmus test. Go, go to confession and say, Hey, father, you know, I, I, I, I sinned. I was in, I was in church and I was lusting after this woman. It wasn't my fault. You should have seen the way she was dressed, you know, and, and, and I'm like, father would get a good chuckle just like you're doing now.
And he'd say, my son, that's, that's, I understand, but that's not a good confession because. You can't blame another person for your sin. You know, you can't blame another person. So even though we think we want to blame whoever, our wife, our [00:45:00] parents, we can't blame. But that said, there are reasons. There might be reasons why I slipped into X, Y, or Z.
So we want, we want to look at the reasons. So we, we don't let ourselves off the hook, but we also don't want to beat ourselves up. So we look at the reasons and we start to see, okay, so, um, what, what are the reasons again, that led us to that. And keep us there, you know, and, and, and is that, is that reason?
What is that reason? Is it a wound? A deficiency? Is it real? Is it perceived? What is it? Let's address it. Let's get it in the light. Let's get it healed. So you can be, you can be set free from that. And if it's, if it's a, if it's a, if it's a different sort of thing, like I work with, um, let's say I work with guys who, and, and, and these, these guys, God bless them really, really have a tough, tough go at this.
They, they, they live alone. And they work from home. So, so isolation is always knocking at their door. This is, they're, they're always on at the risk of slipping into isolation. And so we have to work hard. [00:46:00] Okay, so, so you're, it's, it's, it's, so we'll talk about, so your current reason might be loneliness, for example.
So we got to find, we got to find, Ways to adjust. We're not making excuses. We're not saying, oh, if I could just get married, if I could just find a job where it was, no, those are excuses. The reasons I'm going is because I'm feeling the ache of loneliness. Okay. Well, let's address the reason now, you know, let's not go find you a wife.
That's not going to solve this problem. You know, let's not go change your job. That's not going to probably solve the problem. That's not going to get to the root of it because the root for you, you discover now. You know, not, not you personally, but, but that client is, is the loneliest. So let's get to that now and see how we can start addressing that one.
And of course we invite, we invite the Lord into that and we start to find ways in which we can actually address the root cause of it. The real reason. Appreciate that. And if there's a man listening right now who's thinking, you know, I might not feel like doing this, but I know I need this. What's the next step that they could take?
How do they sign up and start? Yeah, no. And that's a great [00:47:00] question, because I want everybody to know that, you know, the first session All of this and so much more gets explained and we start doing work in the first session, but there's no obligation to do a session to, you know what I mean? Um, and or that, but, but if you go to freedom dash coaching dot net, you can read all about it.
You can see me. You can peruse the other coaches. You can fill out the application if you want to and we're, we're doing, um, you know, freedom coaching is, is, um, is offering actually the first session for free to anyone who mentions, uh, mentions you, you know, when they, when they sign on. So there's no obligation all then for any of your listeners, so they can fill it or they can mention us, they can pick a coach and.
And you're welcome. You're welcome. One word about the coaches. The whole team is fabulous. You can, you can select a coach. We encourage selecting two coaches because your first we will do our absolute best to assign your first choice, but it's not always possible. It's a [00:48:00] prayerful decision. It might not.
We might not feel it's even the right match. Um, but we'll, we'll, we'll do our best to match with their first and if not, you know, your second. So, but you're welcome to select a coach and if you don't select a coach, then we'll just, we'll just prayerfully, you know, match, match you with one. But first session, first session is free and no obligation for, you know, a second one.
And I really appreciate you offering that to our listeners, and I know it'll be a great value. And so you really have nothing to lose. You know, maybe you might be embarrassed or shy or something, but at some point, this needs to come into the light. And if you want to heal it and overcome it, so I would just encourage you take that step.
And so, in addition to the website, is there any other places online that people can find you or contact you? No, that would be the place. Thank you for asking. But I want to respond to something you just said. Embarrassed, all that. Listen. There is no, there is no embarrassment here. There is no, there is no condemnation.
No judgment. Um, this is, this is a place to find, you know, a [00:49:00] brother, whether it's me or the coach to understands the issue and, and, and just cares about you and your freedom. And the longer we stay embarrassed or ashamed. The longer it's going to take to get to our freedom, because we, we have to make that step.
We have to want it just enough to at least, okay, I'm going to take one step and see what happens. So, um, you know, if you, if you're on the fence, come on, check it out. And, uh, and again, like you said, there's really nothing to lose for that one hour of your time, because, uh, you're not going to have to pay for the first session, but you'll walk away from the first session with, with already with some tools, you know, to, to get you going.
Love that. And comfort is a slow death. So avoid that. Often discomfort is a sign that you're growing and that's what we all want. So Steve, thank you so much for being here. Really honored by you and the work that you do. I'm definitely supportive of it. And so I hope many people come to you through this episode and you can help them find freedom.
I want to give you the final word though. What final advice or encouragement do [00:50:00] you the men who are struggling with unwanted sexual behavior? Yeah. You're not alone. You are not. Alone if you if you if you're sitting in a pew at church If you're sitting at the office, I you know, I I'm you are not alone This this is every man is fighting this on somewhat or has fought it on some level.
You're not alone So all that's needed is a little bit of honesty and humility the honest to say, okay I have this struggle Um, and I no longer want it and the humility to say I could use a little bit of help And you will be on your way. You'll be on your way.
Here's my challenge If you're struggling with unwanted sexual behavior. Take a risk and schedule the first session for free. Again, make sure to add to the form that you heard Steve on the restored podcast. So you can get that first session for free. And if you're tempted to deal with this on your own, I get that, but consider this.
It [00:51:00] might be possible for you to overcome unwanted sexual behavior on your own, but it's extremely unlikely. Like, if you were making a bet, it would be a stupid bet to bet on overcoming this on your own. Like, in my opinion, we're talking about, like, a 1 5 percent chance. So, we're talking 95 99 percent likely that you'll just keep struggling.
And not because you don't mean well, it's just because it's not effective to do it on your own. So, it's truly an option. You could keep trying on your own and continue struggling and perhaps struggle for the next 15 years. And I don't say that facetiously, I say it with a lot of love. Or, you can stick out your neck, feel embarrassed about asking for help, but then actually get porn or other unwanted sexual behaviors out of your life for good.
And like Steve said, on average they see that it takes about 6 to 12 months, it varies a little bit, but maybe 6 to 12 months, uh, in this program. And so the question is this. Is that huge potential win that could change your life? Like imagine all the ways it can change your life, not just this [00:52:00] area of your life, but the spillover effect it would have in other areas is that huge potential win worth.
a little embarrassment. Only you can answer that. But if you'd like to take that next step and act in spite of your fear, right? Do it scared. Just click on the link in the show notes. If you'd like to fill out the application and then schedule an appointment with the freedom coaches and perhaps you'll get Steve as a coach as well.
So go ahead. My challenge for you is to do that today. Another resource that I wanted to mention is that so often at the root of sexual compulsion or brokenness is trauma, but before you can heal it, you have to understand it. Our free mini course on trauma titled why you feel broken consists of five short videos by a trauma therapist that answers the questions.
What is trauma? What impact does it have on your body? How does it affect your emotions? What does it do to your mind and how does it impact your relationships again? Once you understand what trauma is and how it's affecting you today Then you can begin to heal [00:53:00] and build the life that you long for again to get the free course It's really easy.
Just go to restored ministry Dot com slash broken just sign up for free and then you can begin watching the course again. That's restored ministry Dot com slash broken or just click on the link in the show notes That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them.
Seriously, take 30 seconds now or less to just message them that, Hey, I heard this episode. Thought it might resonate with you given what you've been through and just wanted to share. That's it. That's all I need to do. And in closing, always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis who said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are. And change the ending.[00:54:00]
